Feeling resentful because my fiance comes from money and is vacationing without me.

[VinaAmez]

I'm sorry but this is just one mess. Too many assumptions here and not enough Surf posts to correct us and whatnot.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry but this is just one mess. Too many assumptions here and not enough Surf posts to correct us and whatnot.

Agreed. She's basically said that she resents the trip. EOM...

[corazoncito]

I agree that we need some clarification.

 

Surfgirl, you are 100% right that doing 60 hour weeks consistently is too much and you need a break. For your own health and sanity, can you just take a vacation on your own or with friends or family? It's not the immediate solution to this particular problem, but it might help relax, clear your mind and allow you to think about how you would like to solve these communication problems with your fiance.

 

You owe it to yourself. Really. If you could afford to take 3 weeks off to go on the cruise if you had been invited, I'm sure you could take at least a few days off to do something relaxing closer to home.

[VinaAmez]

Surf, why not go somewhere yourself. If you need a vacation then take one. Even if it's just a weekend thing.

[nittygritty]

For pete's sake, the guy is her fiance not the next door neighbour. Ok the family doesn't owe her but let's put some perspective on things shall we?

 

The family isn't the issue, in fact the fiance is. And the more I read the "some day you might have a shot at this too" line, the more it irks me. I tied to envision all the other things he could have said that perhaps Surf is leaving out, just to give this sod the benefit of the doubt but then I read that one killer line and all bets are off. I mean really, WHO says something like that to the one they love? Only and inconsiderate and immature jack-a$$ does.

 

PS I'd say ixne on the cheuffering him to the aiport, if they can afford an 8K trip they can afford a $30 cab ride. LOL

 

 

There are many possibilities why he is making the "some day you might have a shot at this too" line. Maybe his parents already have concerns about surfgirl?

 

TBF is right about her alienating his family by "pushing" her way. Surfgirl is acting "entitled", that his parents owe her something because she is engaged to thier son. She is also going to alienate her fiance by acting this way about his parents money.

 

They are engaged not married. Is there an engagement ring?

[luvmy2ns]

For pete's sake, the guy is her fiance not the next door neighbour. Ok the family doesn't owe her but let's put some perspective on things shall we?

 

The family isn't the issue, in fact the fiance is. And the more I read the "some day you might have a shot at this too" line, the more it irks me. I tied to envision all the other things he could have said that perhaps Surf is leaving out, just to give this sod the benefit of the doubt but then I read that one killer line and all bets are off. I mean really, WHO says something like that to the one they love? Only and inconsiderate and immature jack-a$$ does.

 

PS I'd say ixne on the cheuffering him to the aiport, if they can afford an 8K trip they can afford a $30 cab ride. LOL

 

Yup, the fiance is the problem, and his selfish attitude. He doesn't give a f--k that his supposed "loved one" is working her a-- off while he plays. He STILL wants her to lose sleep for him so he can get a chauffered ride to and from his great vacation without her. Like Tomcat said, if they're so damn rich they can afford this type of vacation, the parents can buy their son a taxi ride, or a limo with a wet bar since he feels so f-ing entitled.

[michelangelo]

Your future in-laws may be old school, not wanting you to share a bed while with their family. They may have traditional, religious reasons for this. Also, they do not owe anyone an $8K vacation. Plus, if your future MIL is anything like my mother, she feels like she is entertaining and obligatedIt would to feel that way, whenever she has anyone along for the ride besides her own children. Yes, it sucks that she can't get over that and let her kids spouse's into her comfort zone, but she can't do it. so if she were on such a cruise and a spouse were along, she would feel cheated of her own decompression time.

 

It really would have nothing to do with the specific person along, it is just having anyone along but for her husband and kids.

And I know even if they agreed to bring a spouse along, having a fiancee along? that would freak her out even more. Parents like her and maybe this guy's parents don't consider their unmarried adult children as adults, they still think of them as their children.

 

Not saying they should feel this way, but there it it.

 

If you need a vacation, then take one. By yourself, with a girlfriend, with your own family, but take one.

 

If your boyfriend said something stupid about maybe getting to go on a big vacation with the family and trying to guilt you into driving him to the airport, be pissed, but I don't think it is a deal breaker. if it is a pattern of dissing you, then fine. Get a new boyfriend.

 

You may consider the future in-laws to be rich because they have a six bedroom house, but they may not be as rich as you think. Springing for a huge vacation could be their last harrah before downsizing for retirement. A last family unit vacation before the extended family begins.

[luvmy2ns]

But the fiance's comment to her that she "might go on a vacation like this some day" hints at a future wherein they are married, and he is bought a vacation such as this one again by the parents, and she gets left behind - as his wife. If it were me and my sweety needed a vacation, I would opt for one that he and I could afford on our own to take together. He's acting very selfish, spoiled, and entitled.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess I have difficulty understanding resentment over someone else's good fortune. Isn't it better to be happy for your fiancée for having the opportunity to have a nice bonding vacation with his family? If this had been my ex-h, I would have said, have a great time although I can guarantee that he would have either had to drive himself at that ungodly hour or taken a cab. As it stood, we sometimes did take separate vacations due to conflicting work schedules.

[corazoncito]

He's acting very selfish, spoiled, and entitled.

 

I don't think anyone is disputing this.

 

But two wrongs don't make a right (feeling entitled to someone else's money is also wrong).

 

Surfgirl feeling bitter and resentful towards his family isn't making her feel any better and isn't improving her relationship with her fiance. And if she's waiting for him to apologize and to say he and his family are wrong for their beliefs and she is right, she's going to be waiting (and seething) for a very long time. Right or wrong, it ain't gonna happen.

 

IMO, she needs to find a more mature, empathetic boyfriend. AND take a vacation that she can afford to relieve some of her stress.

[luvmy2ns]

IMO, she needs to find a more mature, empathetic boyfriend. AND take a vacation that she can afford to relieve some of her stress.

 

Exactly what many of us have been saying. Not once did I say she is entitled to their money, and I don't think she said she was either. What she should feel entitled to, however, are her fiance's love, affection, and caring. In this situation, it seems she's getting none of that and being asked to just like it. What would be wrong with him taking a vacation they can both afford with her? After all, the two of them are going to be their primary "family" soon. What happens after they are a "family" and his rich "family" wants to pay for a trip for him and not her? Are there going to be people here talking then about this wonderful family bonding? What about the bonding of the two of them? If they're engaged, the bonding should not have to wait until the vows are spoken. If two people decide to never marry but to remain together, does the bonding and the showing of caring for your partner being on the date the decision is made to just live together and not marry? It should begin well before that. It should begin on the day the commitment is made to share a relationship with one another whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, an engagement, a marriage, or an agreement to be together without the ring or the paper. They should enjoy a shared level of financial affluence - one the two of them can afford. It shouldn't be skewed in one direction or another based on whose parents have money. The two of them are supposed to share each other's burdens and successes and enjoy the same lifestyle based on shared finances.

[nittygritty]

I think that if this was reversed and surfgirl's family had saved enough money to pay for and take her on a 3 week family trip to Europe and did not pay for and excluded her fiance from coming because they couldn't afford it and wanted to spend time with their daughter before she was married with a family of her own, this would not be an issue.

 

Surfgirl resents her fiance's family having money. She said his mom didn't have to work and he grew up going on many trips all over the world and his parents live in a big house, blah blah blah. It sounds like she thinks she is more deserving of their money than they are.

 

Perhaps she has also told him the same thing, repeatedly and that is why he keeps saying "Some day you may have a shot at this". Maybe he is concerned or having doubts about marrying her at all? I don't know who wouldn't be if their fiance resented the fact that your family had money that wasn't being spent on them.

 

If he had payed $8000 of his own money to go on a trip with his family that excluded her than I could understand why she would be upset. If they were married and his parents excluded her and she had not acted like this prior to marriage I would also understand why she would be upset but her getting upset about this situation is her problem, IMO.

[luvmy2ns]

So many of you assume, just because of the name of this thread, that the real issue to her is that his folks aren't spending their money on her.

 

If it were me, I would be resentful that he is happily taking advantage of it while leaving her behind to toil and, what's more, trying to make her feel guilty for not losing sleep from a 60 hour work week to chauffer him to the airport and back. I would be resentful that he didn't care enough about me to put aside his selfish wants to choose a less expensive vacation that he and I could share together.

 

Amazing, NG, that you seem to know surfgirl, but I doubt you've ever met her. You know her so well that you know if she were rich, she'd treat her fiance like crap. I can feel how I would feel in her situation, and I understand where she's coming from. It's not the money NOT being spent on me. It's the lack of consideration by the man who supposedly loves me to not choose a vacation we can both enjoy together.

[nittygritty]

So many of you assume, just because of the name of this thread, that the real issue to her is that his folks aren't spending their money on her.

 

If it were me, I would be resentful that he is happily taking advantage of it while leaving her behind to toil and, what's more, trying to make her feel guilty for not losing sleep from a 60 hour work week to chauffer him to the airport and back. I would be resentful that he didn't care enough about me to put aside his selfish wants to choose a less expensive vacation that he and I could share together.

 

Amazing, NG, that you seem to know surfgirl, but I doubt you've ever met her. You know her so well that you know if she were rich, she'd treat her fiance like crap. I can feel how I would feel in her situation, and I understand where she's coming from. It's not the money NOT being spent on me. It's the lack of consideration by the man who supposedly loves me to not choose a vacation we can both enjoy together.

 

 

I don't know surfgirl and neither do you. I responded to the thread she started asking for opinions on her situation. I did not say if she were rich, she'd treat her fiance like crap. I said if her parents saved their money and offered her the same deal that his parents were offering and he was excluded this would not be an issue.

 

Surfgirl didn't say anything about her and her fiance being able to afford to go on vacation together at this time.

 

His parents didn't offer him cash and he can't be reimbursed the ticket so they can go on vacation together. Can't she be considerate enough to be happy for the man she supposedly loves to get to go on such a nice trip with his parents?

[doiask42much]

I thought we were going to wait to hear more from surfgirl. Too much speculation without her input!

[luvmy2ns]

Can't she be considerate enough to be happy for the man she supposedly loves to get to go on such a nice trip with his parents?

 

Maybe if he could be considerate enough to allow her some sleep time for her 60 hour work week rather than trying to guilt her into giving him chauffered trips to and from his dream vacation in the wee hours of the morning!

[SurfGirl42]

Sorry for the delay in getting back to everyone. To fill in the gaps for everyone who is interested, here they are. Let me know if there's anything else that I need to provide:

 

1. I don't feel that I am entitled to their money. I don't make over a million a year like his father does and I don't feel that they owe me a vacation. I am more irritated that he agreed to go without me and seems to be rubbing it in my face.

 

2. Although I don't feel that they owe me a trip, I still feel excluded and hurt. My parents (who don't make much money) saved up for a modest trip to a lake cabin for a weekend to relax and have some quality family time last year, and they invited him along (and paid for him). They consider him part of the family even without the vows. They know that we are engaged and that's enough for them. I wouldn't have gone on that trip without him, in addition to the fact that they invited US, not just me.

 

On another note, he has left for his trip. He left the other day (and I took him to the airport as he requested). Since he left I have gotten woken up at 2am with a text message telling me he was there and exploring. In addition, he has been sending me multiple emails while I'm at the office working, telling me what fun they are having and the fancy restaurants they are eating at, etc. I haven't been responding and plan on just pretending that I never got them, because to be blunt, I don't want to hear about it. I'm busy as can be stressing out at work, and getting the emails just make my stomach turn when I see them come into my Inbox.

[Trialbyfire]

So, we swing back to acceptable behaviour. Why aren't you shutting him down? Why don't you take a more aggressive role in this?

[luvmy2ns]

It doesn't appear to me that she feels this is "acceptable behavior." I just feel she doesn't have the balls - yet - to tell him to go 'F' himself.

 

See, everything surfgirl talked about just now is exactly what I was talking about. He is included in her family's plans as if he were already family, which is right since they are engaged. When his family excludes her, instead of staying with her and opting for a cheaper vacation, he heads out to enjoy the luxuries that HIS family offers him alone, then dangles this carrot in front of her nose about how she "might get a shot at a vacation like this some day" as if he would be doing her this huge favor to toss her a crumb in the future.

 

HUGE jerk.

[IpAncA]

I am more irritated that he agreed to go without me and seems to be rubbing it in my face.

 

What a self-centered a**. Why are you with him? You can do sooooo much better.

[cuddlycuddlebum]

Hopefully he gave you a huge diamond you can sell to go on your own dream vacation.

[Trialbyfire]

It doesn't appear to me that she feels this is "acceptable behavior." I just feel she doesn't have the balls - yet - to tell him to go 'F' himself.

 

See, everything surfgirl talked about just now is exactly what I was talking about. He is included in her family's plans as if he were already family, which is right since they are engaged. When his family excludes her, instead of staying with her and opting for a cheaper vacation, he heads out to enjoy the luxuries that HIS family offers him alone, then dangles this carrot in front of her nose about how she "might get a shot at a vacation like this some day" as if he would be doing her this huge favor to toss her a crumb in the future.

 

HUGE jerk.

In order to get to this point, she would have had to take it and take it, thus empowering him to continue this behaviour pattern.

 

The vacation is moot because I still feel it's his family, go have fun with them. I see no reason why he shouldn't enjoy it.

 

What I'm trying to figure out is, is her resentment with the vacation driving her to see every little flaw or issue he's ever had or done or is it honestly time for her to make a decision to keep him or not due to his behaviour.

[SurfGirl42]

After reading all of the posts here, I am fully prepared to put my foot down when he gets back and lay some ground rules and boundaries. I think the challenge I face is that he honestly doesn't see the problem with his behavior. He thinks that I just need to be happy for him and stop being jealous of what he has, but it's not that simple.

 

Also, for the next several weeks, I am not sure how to handle the email and text message issue. I'm getting text message and emails at all hours (including at work when he's sending them to my work email) telling me all about everything and how great it is and how it's nice that he has this chance to unwind. So far I have just not been responding and was planning on sticking to the "I never got them" story. I can't handle reading those things when I'm swamped at work and practically pulling my hair out with stress. Should I be supportive and respond and try to be happy, even though I am fighting back tears? Is ignoring him childish?

[IpAncA]

After reading all of the posts here, I am fully prepared to put my foot down when he gets back and lay some ground rules and boundaries. I think the challenge I face is that he honestly doesn't see the problem with his behavior. He thinks that I just need to be happy for him and stop being jealous of what he has, but it's not that simple.

 

Also, for the next several weeks, I am not sure how to handle the email and text message issue. I'm getting text message and emails at all hours (including at work when he's sending them to my work email) telling me all about everything and how great it is and how it's nice that he has this chance to unwind. So far I have just not been responding and was planning on sticking to the "I never got them" story. I can't handle reading those things when I'm swamped at work and practically pulling my hair out with stress. Should I be supportive and respond and try to be happy, even though I am fighting back tears? Is ignoring him childish?

 

I doubt he'll believe you didn't recieve them ALL. Respond to some at least. Even if it's only a couple of words.

[nittygritty]

I think it would be worse if he were not calling or texting at all.

 

If it would be easier for you then respond to some of the text messages until you feel like talking to him. If he knew that you were upset before he left and he is just leaving messages that are meant to push your buttons I would probably ignore the messages until he left a nice sentiment.

 

Are you getting paid overtime at work or are you salaried? If your salaried are you due for a raise? Your job sounds really stressful and its just not worth it to work the hours your working if your not being compensated appropriately. It may not be worth it if you are.

 

Working 60 hour weeks leaves little time for any enjoyment of life. If your this unhappy with your job, its going to spill over to the remaining parts of your life. Are you keeping your eyes open for other job opportunities?