Feeling resentful because my fiance comes from money and is vacationing without me.

[Trialbyfire]

Some good points ng.

 

Do yourself a favour surfgirl. Really look at you, him and your relationship. What are the core problems? This vacation is just a symptom. Don't base your judgements solely on internet peoples' advice, especially when we aren't there to get the full picture. Make certain you allocate the correct amount of responsibility where it should fall.

 

Remember, you can't control him but you can certainly control yourself and then set some boundaries for him to meet or not to meet. Depending on what he chooses to do, you can then make choices accordingly.

[SoxPrincess]

SG,

 

I completely understand and sympathize with your situation; although I've never been in the exact same situation, I've been in one similar and can relate. Money issues aside, his family has alienated you and in turn, he brushed off your feelings about the trip and seemed to make no effort to make you feel better about it.

 

I can't believe how much the "maybe one day you'll get a shot at a trip like this" irked me; this is something I would expect to hear from a total stranger ( a rude and ignorant stranger LOL), not from someone who you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with. What a completely jackass thing to say especially knowing your feelings on the matter and how overworked you are. Perhaps he doesn't relate to how hard you work because he has never had to work that hard? I can see this being a long term problem down the road seeing as he grew up privileged and hasn't had to work for everything and you have. If he doesn't make some sort of effort to understand and more importantly, show some support and empathy for you; it will definitely create problems down the road, IMO. Without question this is something you should discuss with him at length...BEFORE you get married. Most marital arguments are about money and with he and you coming from different ends of the money spectrum, it could lead to some pretty big issues.

 

As a few others mentioned, I think it's pretty ****ty that his family didn't include you and more than that, said "she's not family yet." If this was a last family vacation before their son gets married thing, then fine, there is a tactful way to explain that without coming across rude. A simple "Well SurfGirl, we would love for you to join us but there will be plenty of times in the future where we all get together and this trip was scheduled as a last time we all vacation together before you get married". Have their been any other issues between you and his family where they made you feel unwelcomed or looked down upon you? Obviously, if they do think their son is marrying down it will create more problems for you and your Fiance in the future. In Laws can be a complete pain in the ass as it is, add on a situation like this and every family gathering can be brutal for all parties involved. If you do feel like they are alienating you, aside from this trip, I would most certainly discuss that with your man and let him know your feelings. It sounds like there are quite a few things you guys need to be discussing before you get married and if he doesn't understand and doesn't make the effort to make the situation better, then maybe it's time to rethink the idea of getting married.

 

As far as ignoring his text messages and his emails; as I said, I do sympathize with you and obviously it's hurtful to hear all his juicy details about how much fun he is having, but I don't think ignoring him is the answer. If he realizes you are ignoring him or if you do respond in a curt, short manner, it will without a doubt push him away. I would just reply that you are glad he is enjoying the vacation, you wished that you could be with him and you can't wait to hear all about it when he returns. I know it won't be the easiest thing to do since you are less than enthused about the entire situation, but it's probably best to "go along with it" until you have the chance to discuss the whole thing with him upon his return.

 

Keep your head up and hopefully he will be more understanding when he gets home! Good luck!

[sunshinegirl]

can't believe how much the "maybe one day you'll get a shot at a trip like this" irked me; this is something I would expect to hear from a total stranger ( a rude and ignorant stranger LOL), not from someone who you are supposed to be spending the rest of your life with.

 

IMO, those comments are what you should be discussing with him. What does he mean by "maybe"? What does he mean by "a shot"? These are absolutely crucial issues - perhaps his family is about to lose their fortune and there won't be any more big trips like that in the future (there's one sympathetic interpretation of it). What is in his head, exactly?

 

While I am in general more sympathetic to the OP than to the fiance/family, I think it does say something positive about the fiance that he is in contact so often while on vacay.

 

Unless he is a total prick and is deliberately trying to rub her nose in it, my guess is that he's having a great time, is thinking of her, and wants to be able to share it with her as it unfolds.

 

My guess is that he's an oblivious rich kid more than a deliberately, malicious uncaring one.

 

(That does not mean the OP should necessarily stay with him, though!)

 

But jeez. There's gotta be a lot more honest communication between these two than there has been to date.

 

Good luck, OP.

[katiebour]

Poor Surfgirl

 

Here's a bunny and a big hug for you.

 

I understand why you're upset. I wouldn't go on a vacation without my sweetie and he wouldn't go without me. It just wouldn't be fun without the other person- we'd miss one another too much. It's too bad that your b/f thought that going on a trip without you would be more fun than going on something smaller with you.

 

Plus compared to your own family's loving acceptance of your bond, his family's reticence must feel like a slap in the face.

 

Much less his expectation that you drive him to and from the airport, especially when you're working.

 

Basically you're getting treated inconsiderately at every turn.

 

The emails and texts, when he knows how sad you were about the whole trip, are just mean. If I were you I would just send him an email to this effect:

 

Dear Sweetheart,

I am glad to hear that you are having a nice trip. I hope everyone is well and I miss you very much.

 

You know how sad I was before you left- I'm still feeling that way, and your emails and texts are just making me feel more lonely and sad.

 

Since I'm not a part of this trip, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending me the details- it's like standing outside the candy store, looking through the window, starving, and you can't have any of what's inside. It makes me feel really bad.

 

Have a nice trip and I will see you when you get back. Please don't call or email/text me in the meantime.

 

-Your Girlfriend

 

He should understand that he is in effect, flaunting and teasing you with something that you wanted (both the trip and the family inclusion/acceptance) but were denied. Explain your feelings, then answer every email or text with a "please don't send me any more texts/emails." He should not be able to have his cake and eat it too- have his great trip and expect you to be thrilled that he left you out.

 

You're not a bad person, you're just stuck in a bad situation with a weak-willed man who cares more about his and his family's own wants than your shared happiness, and who prefers to please himself, even if it makes you unhappy.

 

That sucks, hon.

 

Big hug and another bunny for you

[luvmy2ns]

Katiebour, is that you in the avatar? If so, you look awfully young to have such great insight! Fantastic post hon!!

[Art_Critic]

Should I be supportive and respond and try to be happy, even though I am fighting back tears? Is ignoring him childish?

 

No reason to be supportive of an arrogant selfish person who even after he hurts you continues to pour salt in the wound and twist the dagger.

 

Ignoring him would be advisable.. and if you wanted to reply to him tell him to stop belittling your feelings in his text messages and to stop contacting you.

 

I think you need to rethink this relationship.. He doesn't seem to be in it for the long haul or even in it for any reason other than himself.

Don't worry about acting childish.. he is the one that has acted childish.

 

I wouldn't go on a vacation without my SO.. ever.. now maybe after 20 years of marriage I might think differently.. but certainly not until then.

[michelangelo]

Now he is even bad for zapping email and text messages to you?

 

Come on!

 

He may be self-absorbed, but he loves you in his misguided way. Which I am sure was apparent long before this vacation.

 

He is trying in his spoiled rich kid way to share this cool adventure with you. He is not even thinking that you would be tortured by the mere zapping of messages to you. You reinforce his idea that you are fine with this by not complaining to him about it.

 

BTW, he is not waking you up in the middle of the night by texting you, you are to blame for that by not muting the cell phone's ringer so you can sleep. You can also just set up an email filter that states you will just talk to him when he returns upon receipt of a new email. Instead, you choose to be irritated that he would actually try to share his travels with you.

 

BTW II, contrary to what a lot are saying here, there are people who don't consider someone a member of the family until the marriage is completed. Their religious beliefs prevent them from allowing a girlfriend/fiancee from sleeping in the same bed as their son in their own house or hotel bed they pay for.

 

BTW III, his father may make a million bucks a year, but you have no idea what his cash flow is like. He could be spinning a lot of plates. This family trip may mean things to his parents and their connection to him that they are preparing themselves to open up to you after talking to him alone on a happy trip.

[Krytellan]

Hey there SG.

 

You know, I was disturbed enough with this situation a while back when I responded the first time. Now that I see he is writing you daily and at all hours to tell you how great it is, I'm even more bothered.

 

I think anyone with any amount of empathy would be operating with two things in mind, and I'll reference myself as this is how I would feel. First, if I chose to take the trip even after knowing how you felt (which I probably wouldn't, but let's say), I would do so feeling incredibly guilty and bittersweet about the whole thing. In essence, it would probably keep me from having much of a good time. Second, I wouldn't even think of writing you to tell you how much fun I'm having. That would be downright cruel.

 

Maybe he is just so clueless that he has no idea of the effect of what he's doing and honestly doesn't see the problem. If this is the case, that would be a pretty big red flag since you made it clear before he left. That would mean he just isn't capable of empathy or understanding.

 

I'm writing and I just can't wrap my mind around what the hell he could possibly be thinking. The only answer is that he can truly not grasp any emotions or feelings other than his own. That is the only explanation for the ignorance he demonstrates in communicating with you like this. I say this because I find it dificult to believe that he is doing this intentionally.

 

Whatever the case, SG, this is but a sign of how much empathy and compassion he has. This WONT be an isolated incident. The selfishness will come through in most everything he does. If you aren't sick of it yet, you will be.

 

As for his family, well, it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

 

Do what makes you happy, but this guy sounds like a top notch jerk from what I've heard.

[Krytellan]

He is not even thinking that you would be tortured by the mere zapping of messages to you. You reinforce his idea that you are fine with this by not complaining to him about it.

 

BTW, he is not waking you up in the middle of the night by texting you, you are to blame for that by not muting the cell phone's ringer so you can sleep. You can also just set up an email filter that states you will just talk to him when he returns upon receipt of a new email. Instead, you choose to be irritated that he would actually try to share his travels with you.

 

BTW II, contrary to what a lot are saying here, there are people who don't consider someone a member of the family until the marriage is completed. Their religious beliefs prevent them from allowing a girlfriend/fiancee from sleeping in the same bed as their son in their own house or hotel bed they pay for.

 

And she doesn't have to like it or accept it if she doesn't want to. Ignorance of others' emotions only buys you (pun intended) so much. Just because he doesn't know better doesn't mean she has to tolerate it.

[I love hot men.]

Surfgirl, I don't see the problem here. You couldn't have gone on the trip anyway because you don't have the vacation time.

Look, does your fiance himself have a lot of money? Because you should consider yourself one lucky lady if he is. You can quit your job in that case once you are married! Yay!

Sorry but he has gone on a family vacation which you couldn't go on anyway. He's having fun.

Is the real problem you are feeling is that he's pulling away from you emotionally and possibly rethinking getting married to you (falling out of love)? I sense that could be the real underlying issue here for some reason.

[michelangelo]

And she doesn't have to like it or accept it if she doesn't want to. Ignorance of others' emotions only buys you (pun intended) so much. Just because he doesn't know better doesn't mean she has to tolerate it.

 

True, but it really is up to the OP to alert the guy that she doesn't want to hear from him while he is on vacation if it bothers her. My guess is she won't because she knows she will be seen as petty.

[Krytellan]

This is a difficult issue to discuss because it becomes a matter of morality, when it is more a matter of personal differences.

 

What this thread demonstrates is that there are just two types of people, those who are communal in their approach to relationships and recreation and those that are not.

 

SG, it seems that you, and many of us overall, have a communal philosophy. The thought that I would never go on a trip like that without my SO. On the flip side, there are those that just don't consider it that big of a deal and don't really see it as an issue. They don't see why the SO might have a problem with it. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

 

Unfortunately SG, you and your SO are not the same type. And that will cause problems between the two of you. It is a part of your personalities and he will always be less inclined to feel the need to include you in things, unlike you.

[katiebour]

Katiebour, is that you in the avatar? If so, you look awfully young to have such great insight! Fantastic post hon!!

 

 

Yes, that's me, and I'll be 28 in a few months. Young, but old enough to have been around the block a time or two. And Krytellan, excellent posts. You do a good job of nailing the issues without over-demonizing the guy. He may have problems, but he's probably not a complete and utter jerk, and she's probably not going to end an engagement over a vacation.

 

That would be kind of a silly thing to end an engagement over, provided that the underlying issues can be confronted, discussed, and resolved.

[I love hot men.]

This is a difficult issue to discuss because it becomes a matter of morality, when it is more a matter of personal differences.

 

What this thread demonstrates is that there are just two types of people, those who are communal in their approach to relationships and recreation and those that are not.

 

SG, it seems that you, and many of us overall, have a communal philosophy. The thought that I would never go on a trip like that without my SO. On the flip side, there are those that just don't consider it that big of a deal and don't really see it as an issue. They don't see why the SO might have a problem with it. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

 

Unfortunately SG, you and your SO are not the same type. And that will cause problems between the two of you. It is a part of your personalities and he will always be less inclined to feel the need to include you in things, unlike you.

Why shouldn't he enjoy a vacation with his own immediate family? His fiancee didn't have any vacation time so she couldn't go anyway. He's supposed to miss out on the trip of a lifetime with his family because his girlfriend can't get vacation time? I don't get it. Why does every vacation have to involve an SO? Maybe someone who was not close with their family might not understand a family vacation and spending time with family. It does kind of sound to me,though, that he is falling out of love with her.

[SurfGirl42]

Hello again everyone,

 

Well, the text messages and emails are continuing and I am just being polite and acknowledging them but not much more. I have decided to have a talk with him when he gets home. After a lot of thought I think I have figured out what the main issue here is that is bothering me: I am afraid that I will always be 2nd behind his family. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking (nor would I ask of anyone) to make a choice between me or the family. I am simply afraid that this is an indication that in the future, as his wife, he won't go to bat for me when there are any conflicts between his family and I. I think he is afraid or unwilling (or both) to stand up to his parents. When the whole idea was first brought up about this trip, he simply accepted their "no" and didn't offer any alternatives or compromises that would make both of us happy. These next several months of our engagement are the times when we are essentially laying the ground rules for our marriage and the way our relationship will function, and it needs to be fixed.

 

On a separate note, I have decided to stand up for myself and lay down a boundary that I feel would make me more comfortable. As someone who doesn't often inforce boundaries I feel that this is long overdue and reasonable. I have decided that I am not comfortable with, nor do I want to see or hear, stories and pictures from his trip. This will only make me feel crappy and remind me of how this whole experience has made me feel. I don't want or need the visual slideshow or play-by-play of this incident that has caused so much frustration and hurt for me. I know that he may be unhappy about this because he wants to share it with me, but guess what? If he wanted to share it with me that badly he would have figured out a way for me to go with him. If he really just wants to share it with someone he cares about well he's in luck, because he has his family that he DID get to share it with. I have made so many sacrifices for him with this trip and just in general with regards to our relationship, so I don't think that this is an unreasonable request.

 

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

[luvmy2ns]

...because his girlfriend can't get vacation time?

 

This isn't true. The family just doesn't want to include her, and he opted to go with them instead of taking a vacation with her that was less costly that they could both enjoy. Also, he guilted her into taking him to and picking him up from the airport in the wee hours, making her miss much needed sleep time for her 60 hour work week.

 

You need to read the whole thread if you're going to come in on the tail end with advice and/or comments.

[michelangelo]

Sorry, but that plan is petty and childish. You did ask.

 

When you announce that you do not want to see pictures of nor talk about his three-week trip to Europe with his family you will be effectively announcing to him and his family "screw you! I didn't get to go!"

 

There is no way they will get the nuanced message you are attempting to give them. They will only see that your envy of their wealth has made you angry.

 

Linking a midnight drive to the airport to all the sacrifices you believe you are making in your relationship as justification will not wash with them, valid or not.

 

On a smaller level, be prepared after you set off this relationship bomb that none of them will want to talk to you about anything that is going on in your life for those same three weeks (and maybe ever) because you are not interested in hearing about their vacation.

 

I think what you really are doing is picking a fight with with your fiancee so you can dramatically end your engagement.

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry, but that plan is petty and childish. You did ask.

 

When you announce that you do not want to see pictures of nor talk about his three-week trip to Europe with his family you will be effectively announcing to him and his family "screw you! I didn't get to go!"

 

There is no way they will get the nuanced message you are attempting to give them. They will only see that your envy of their wealth has made you angry.

 

Linking a midnight drive to the airport to all the sacrifices you believe you are making in your relationship as justification will not wash with them, valid or not.

 

On a smaller level, be prepared after you set off this relationship bomb that none of them will want to talk to you about anything that is going on in your life for those same three weeks (and maybe ever) because you are not interested in hearing about their vacation.

 

I think what you really are doing is picking a fight with with your fiancee so you can dramatically end your engagement.

I agree with this.

 

One of the mistakes made by many a girl is to challenge the family for priority. Does one have to be more important than the other? Is there no way to coexist?

 

My ex-MIL is a strong woman. She and her other daughter-in-law hate each other because they are always cat-fighting over who has dominion over her son. I never challenged her supremacy because I felt it was more important to work together since we both loved the same person. I never demanded that my ex put me before the family. If anything, I put the family before me and in response they returned the respect with full inclusion and unilateral approval. Even though we're now divorced, they still keep in touch, hoping that maybe one day, things would work out between us. Of course this is an impossibility but I still adore them and wish them all well.

[luvmy2ns]

TBF, your ex-MIL sounds like Marie Barone.

 

Sorry, but I would never give in to that kind of crap. When two people marry, they promise to love, honor, and cherish and to put each other above all others. ALL others. When you marry, you are now each other's family. Of course you still respect the family from whence each other sprang, but to knuckle under to some domineering family member? I'd never do it, and if my man expected me to, he'd have no end of problems with me.

 

For example, we were all taking a road trip together and sort of caravaning (prior to my marriage to my ex). My ex's grandfather's new wife had this horrifying habit of sucking her teeth alllll the time, making these objectionable noises. Well, none of the guys wanted to have to listen to it, so my ex MIL made arrangements through my ex - without including me - that all the women would ride in MY car (MY car, not OUR car - at the time my ex HAD no car), and all the guys would ride in the ex MIL's car. I put a screeching halt to that RIGHT away. And yes - I was the one who called an end to the marriage, not him. His mother had taught him to be a selfish little SOB, and it never wore off. She was truly just like Marie Barone, constantly enabling her "boys" which is why they always expected their women to go along with whatever she wanted. I told my ex, as I was telling him we were through, that he should just get it over with and marry his mother.

 

Sorry - didn't mean to hijack, but it sort of applies, depending on how surfgirl's prospective MIL behaves.

[Trialbyfire]

I had to google Marie Barone, since I'm not much of a TV fan.

 

No, she was awesome. After the initial acclimitization, she started to put me before her son.

[nittygritty]

Surfgirl is not married. She won't even say whether or not he has given her an engagement ring. It doesn't even sound like they live together so I have to wonder just how serious of an engagement is this?

 

There are a lot of people these days who go around talking about being engaged and its really more like they have had some conversations about possibly getting married someday and are calling that being engaged.

 

I'm 38 years old and I don't recall anyone when I was in high school or college even referring to being "promised" to get married without a "promise ring", so what is up with this? Is Surfgirl engaged or not? Why won't she answer whether or not there is an engagement ring?

[flowerfairy142]

I understand what you're saying...and I think it's kind of unfair you didn't get invited to the trip. My fiance's family always invites me to go on trips with them...but I pay my own room (I used to room with his mom and aunt but I decided to pay for my own room to have my privacy) but they treat me to meals.

But when we first started dating, I'd go on trips with MY family and he'd go on trips with HIS family. Its been over 2 years since I started going to trips with his family (including a 2 week trip to Europe), and we've been together 7 years now.

Regardless...you're his FIANCEE, not just a girlfriend...I still think they should've invited you, and they defintely could've afforded to pay for your $8,000 ticket.

But then again...maybe they just want this to be like a last bonding experience with just him before he marries you.

And don't worry...once you marry him you WILL travel all over with him!!! But in my opinion....again....you're his fiancee...you should've gotten the opportunity to travel with him already.

[VirtualInsanity]

Hello again everyone,

 

Well, the text messages and emails are continuing and I am just being polite and acknowledging them but not much more. I have decided to have a talk with him when he gets home. After a lot of thought I think I have figured out what the main issue here is that is bothering me: I am afraid that I will always be 2nd behind his family. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking (nor would I ask of anyone) to make a choice between me or the family. I am simply afraid that this is an indication that in the future, as his wife, he won't go to bat for me when there are any conflicts between his family and I. I think he is afraid or unwilling (or both) to stand up to his parents. When the whole idea was first brought up about this trip, he simply accepted their "no" and didn't offer any alternatives or compromises that would make both of us happy. These next several months of our engagement are the times when we are essentially laying the ground rules for our marriage and the way our relationship will function, and it needs to be fixed.

 

I understand what your saying & I would talk to him about it.

[SurfGirl42]

To answer everyone's questions: yes, there is an engagement ring. No, we don't live together because his family doesn't think that it's a good idea to live together before you're married and it also goes against their religious beliefs.

 

What does everyone think about me setting that boundary with him showing me the pictures, etc?

 

Just to be clear, I am NOT asking him to choose between me and his family. I would never ask anyone to do that. It's not fair. All I am asking is that he back me up and support me. I would do the same for him (and already have with my parents when they didn't agree with something he did).

[luvmy2ns]

No, we don't live together because his family doesn't think that it's a good idea to live together before you're married and it also goes against their religious beliefs.

 

HUGE RED FLAG HERE! "...because his family doesn't think it's a good idea..."

 

Everything becoming a bit clearer to anyone else yet?