Feeling resentful because my fiance comes from money and is vacationing without me.

[VirtualInsanity]

his marriage definitely WON'T work

 

Nope it won't.

 

She's stuck working her butt off & he can do whatever. Two different worlds.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sg,

 

Sorry if I missed this but are any of the other siblings married or engaged? You said that you had been engaged for one year and the date is a year away? What is the purpose of such a long engagement?

 

It seems that I'm reading (maybe between the lines) that YOU are working and saving time and money for the wedding. Is he helping with the wedding costs? Do you feel pressured to fund a wedding that his family would be proud of?? Are you working to provide something that they would take for granted in order to impress or "fit in" and they are taking European cruises while you try to prove yourself good enough for them.

 

I just think this runs a little deeper than the vacation.

 

Are you at all affraid that your Great Aunt Zelda will embarrass the crap out of you at the wedding?

[SurfGirl42]

To answer everyone's questions:

 

Yes, i have told him about my feelings. That I am feeling resentful, overworked, and needing a vacation. He just tells me that I need to be more supportive and be happy for him. He tells me "one day you might have a shot at a trip like this" and "dont' get so bent out of shape about it". It's easy for him to say, because he has travelled all over the world over his lifetime and will continue to do so on his parent's bill. I feel that he doesn't understand.

 

About his family, we get along pretty well. They make me feel poor in comparison though, and I get the feeling that even though they might not conciously think it, they look down on my family somewhat. My parents don't own their home, they are in their 50's and cannot retire anytime soon (medical bills and my dad being laid off last year didn't help). They live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house while his parents live in a 6 bedroom, 7 bathroom estate. His parents are friendly and warm and have always been nice to me, so I'd be wrong to say that they are extremely stuck up. His siblings however (none of which are married yet) are a different story. While they are all nice, they are very spoiled and take everything they are given for granted. That's a whole other story though.

 

His parents also did clarify that I wasn't invited because it was a family vacation and (this is a direct quote) "she's not family yet". I'm not really offended, just surprised, because I know that my parents include him in everything and consider him family already.

[VinaAmez]

His parents also did clarify that I wasn't invited because it was a family vacation and (this is a direct quote) "she's not family yet".

 

Whoever said that needs to be slapped. How rude. Sorry but I got to ask, do they invite you for anything?

 

Yes, i have told him about my feelings. That I am feeling resentful, overworked, and needing a vacation. He just tells me that I need to be more supportive and be happy for him. He tells me "one day you might have a shot at a trip like this" and "dont' get so bent out of shape about it". It's easy for him to say, because he has travelled all over the world over his lifetime and will continue to do so on his parent's bill. I feel that he doesn't understand.

 

Huh? You MIGHT have a shot. Is there an application you need to fill out? What about you two? Can't you both go somewhere nice like that?

[child_of_isis]

Oh yeah, he understands. He just doesn't care. Not enough to turn down the vacation anyway. It's all about him.

 

Sounds like he may also think that he is doing you a favor just being in your life with the "one day you might". Do notice the word might.

 

I can tell you right now where this is going. You will be working your same 60 hours a week, while Jr. Works his 30. Daddy will be supplementing his part of the (needed) marital income. Of course Jr. will need the finest house, the finest this and that. Your part in all of this could very well amount to putting in 80 hours a week.

 

Of course he will be out playing while you are putting in the 80 hours...

 

 

You will be worn to the bone, tired, and no fun at all. After all, who thinks of sex/play after an 80 hour week? Jr. will bitch moan and groan and blame you for it all.

 

Did I mention that it's all about him?

 

 

Yes, i have told him about my feelings. That I am feeling resentful, overworked, and needing a vacation. He just tells me that I need to be more supportive and be happy for him. He tells me "one day you might have a shot at a trip like this" and "dont' get so bent out of shape about it". It's easy for him to say, because he has travelled all over the world over his lifetime and will continue to do so on his parent's bill. I feel that he doesn't understand.

 

.

[VinaAmez]

I'm curious Surf, how long have you two been dating?

[Trialbyfire]

To answer everyone's questions:

 

Yes, i have told him about my feelings. That I am feeling resentful, overworked, and needing a vacation. He just tells me that I need to be more supportive and be happy for him. He tells me "one day you might have a shot at a trip like this" and "dont' get so bent out of shape about it". It's easy for him to say, because he has travelled all over the world over his lifetime and will continue to do so on his parent's bill. I feel that he doesn't understand.

 

About his family, we get along pretty well. They make me feel poor in comparison though, and I get the feeling that even though they might not conciously think it, they look down on my family somewhat. My parents don't own their home, they are in their 50's and cannot retire anytime soon (medical bills and my dad being laid off last year didn't help). They live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house while his parents live in a 6 bedroom, 7 bathroom estate. His parents are friendly and warm and have always been nice to me, so I'd be wrong to say that they are extremely stuck up. His siblings however (none of which are married yet) are a different story. While they are all nice, they are very spoiled and take everything they are given for granted. That's a whole other story though.

 

His parents also did clarify that I wasn't invited because it was a family vacation and (this is a direct quote) "she's not family yet". I'm not really offended, just surprised, because I know that my parents include him in everything and consider him family already.

Surfgirl, if his family said that you could go on the vacation, would you resent him as much? I ask you this because you're saying that you resent his family money but is it possible that you resent that you're not benefitting from his family money? In order to adjust attitude, you have to be very honest with yourself and know exactly what is motivating your negative emotions.

[Krytellan]

Am I out of line for feeling this way? How can I get over my resentment?

 

I find it hard to believe, but apparently I'm the dissenting voice here.

 

SG, I totally empathize with you on this, and in my opinion, you need to stop listening to the people on here telling you that you're unjustified or whining. I just recently learned from my failed relationship that a lack of equity in a relationship is very important factor.

 

I know you feel that it's unfair that you work so much and he works less than half time and has money to blow. You're right, that is very tough to look at. And though he has no obligation to justify it or make it up to you, you really want him to. The question is does he or not? You need to decide whether you're ok with what he does.

 

With this trip, there is no way I would ever go on a trip like this without my fiancee, especially considering the factors at play. You've told him how you feel, and to be honest SG, it sounds like he doesn't really want to be bothered by your situation or your feelings. And though it's not wrong for him to go, his choice to go and the way he addresses your feelings about the issue says a lot about where he is coming from.

 

Do you like the fact that given this situation he wants you to be happy for him??? You've expressed your feelings about feeling left out and his response is to be happy for him. Hmm... sounds pretty self-centered to me, and it would make me furious to have that said as a response to my jealousy issue.

 

No one's right, but you are justified in the way you feel. You know, despite what all of the "well-to-do" people on LS will say, when you come from a modest living, dating someone with a lot of money can be a very unhappy place that many people may never understand. That doesn't make you a bad person. Acknowledge it and understand it as the way you are.

[Krytellan]

You will be worn to the bone, tired, and no fun at all. After all, who thinks of sex/play after an 80 hour week? Jr. will bitch moan and groan and blame you for it all.

 

Did I mention that it's all about him?

 

I loved your post Isis, and agree completely. I don't get the feeling that her effort will ever be appreciated or empathized with (let alone eased). Some people just don't have the ability to see past their own nose.

[doiask42much]

Maybe I'm immature and petty but I totally feel for the OP. For years I've toiled at jobs I've hated and I've been with bfs who had gaps in their employment, most notably my current bf, who was unemployed for almost a year and a half and enjoying every minute of it. While he wasn't on a luxury cruise, I certainly felt resentful each day I'd come home and find him lounging, and I felt angry that I never had the luxury of doing the same. Of course, if I were as lackadaisical as he, I could've, but my fiscally responsible nature wouldn't allow me to. It does seem as though you could possibly afford some sort of trip (money and timewise), albeit far more modest in nature, but you're saying you can't because you're a responsible sort. But I think a few days off to do something you enjoy, either alone or with friends, even if you have to use vacation days or--gasp!--go without pay can be well worth it. I did this and was glad that I did. Most things can be arranged if you really want to make them happen. I am sure you've squirreled away enough money that you can afford to do something on a smaller scale, and if not, your rich fiance should help out, and should help out, given that he's bailing on you to go on this cruise.

 

I agree with Krytellan, he seems a bit self-centered, for all the reasons Krytellan has already stated. Also, it's a lot to ask someone to shuttle them to the airport at those odd hours. He should be more understanding of your schedule.

 

But I've also been on the flip side, me on the cruise, my bf at home, since he had no money from not working. Heh. Given that he's going and you can't do anything about that, I would try to be as pleasant as possible about it (not easy, I know) and communicate with him during the cruise. As someone else said, if you are hostile, it could push him to enjoy himself more (possibly even stray?), to spite you in a way. But if you are sweet to him, hopefully he'll miss you?

[SurfGirl42]

First of all, I do appreciate all the feedback I'm getting on this (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Part of the reason I posted this was to find out if anyone else had experienced this and if I am being ridiculous. I want to do the right thing and be an adult about this, but my gut feelings are making me feel otherwise.

 

As the day creeps closer to him leaving and he's bouncing off the walls with excitement and telling me to be positive, I'm getting more and more stress from work put on my shoulders with no end in sight and my frustration is steadily growing. The resentment is getting worse, not better. I just want to be optimistic but it's harder right now than ever.

[child_of_isis]

Always go with your gut feelings. Don't let anyone ever tell you they are wrong.

 

Trust me on this one.

 

I want to do the right thing and be an adult about this, but my gut feelings are making me feel otherwise.

 

[VinaAmez]

As the day creeps closer to him leaving and he's bouncing off the walls with excitement and telling me to be positive, I'm getting more and more stress from work put on my shoulders with no end in sight and my frustration is steadily growing. The resentment is getting worse, not better. I just want to be optimistic but it's harder right now than ever.

 

Okay he's going. End of story. You being mad about it isn't making him stay or making you go. But I do understand how you feel. I'd be pi**ed.

 

If he wants you to be happy for him then fine. Tell him you are and then drop it. I'm sure you have more important things to worry about then him rubbing it in which I hope he's not.

 

It's easier for someone to say be positive when they don't have to worry about anything. IMO he doesn't seem to care how you feel and is only thinking of himself.

 

Does he not understand how stressful things are with you? Has he mentioned he wants you to come? Anything to show that MAYBE he's not self-centered?

 

 

BTW, good post Krytellan. .

[luvmy2ns]

Wow. What a gem to dangle the promise of "maybe you'll have a shot at a trip like this in the future" before you. I'm sorry, but your fiance sounds like the worst horse's ass in the world.

 

My baby and I aren't even engaged, but we both look for ways to make each other's lives better. We both have disregarded our own comforts in favor of our partner's. And here you are having to drop off and pick up "golden boy" so he can go on this trip without you, sucking you dry by not only NOT offering you a vacation as well, but not allowing you much needed sleep so you can work while he plays.

 

All this positively SCREAMS VOLUMES about what life with him would be like for you in the future.

[doiask42much]

First of all, I do appreciate all the feedback I'm getting on this (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Part of the reason I posted this was to find out if anyone else had experienced this and if I am being ridiculous. I want to do the right thing and be an adult about this, but my gut feelings are making me feel otherwise.

 

As the day creeps closer to him leaving and he's bouncing off the walls with excitement and telling me to be positive, I'm getting more and more stress from work put on my shoulders with no end in sight and my frustration is steadily growing. The resentment is getting worse, not better. I just want to be optimistic but it's harder right now than ever.

 

Has he said anything like "I wish you were coming" or "I'll miss you a lot" or "it won't be nearly as fun without you" or "you're definitely coming on the next trip" or anything AT ALL to express any empathy or make you feel better? ANYTHING? I haven't heard you mention anything. Just knowing that his heart is in the right place can make all the difference, even if he's away and you're stuck at home.

[Tomcat33]

He tells me "one day you might have a shot at a trip like this" and "dont' get so bent out of shape about it".

 

 

I totally agree with Luvmy2ns

 

Oh my god are you kidding me? This guy sounds a like complete utter selfish a$$ sorry...he sounds like a spoiled bratt who not only is so into himself that he won't even consider his OWN fiance on something as important at taking a vacation together, he rubs it in your face that "maybe some day if you are good you will get a taste of HIS lifstyle too?"

 

Your financial backrounds should have absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that he is going on this vacation wihtout you, wife to be and all, and on top of it he rubs it in. Why are you marrying this guy again? I would be more than furious if my fiance did something like that to me I don't blame you one bit for being upset.

 

I have had boyfriends that were well off that made three times the money I make and let me tell you there was NO seperation of entertainment activites because they made more $$ than me. they were more than happy to include me no questions asked.

 

I am truly blown away that some people are THAT selfish. Sorry but if he cared about you and seeing as he is about to go into marriage with you, his #1 priority should be YOUR happiness together, he is maniuplating your into thinking you should be supportive. Forget that!!!

 

I think he is setting the precedence for what life with this "wealthy" guy is going to be, you at home working your butt off never being able to afford HIS lifestyle, while he is off seeing the world with daddy's money. I would have serious reservations about entering a lifetime partnership with someone THAT selfcentered.

 

Why doesn't his family offer to take you along!?!?

[Trialbyfire]

Once again I ask why people feel that someone else's family money is theirs to share. Speaking of the self-entitled...

 

I don't even feel I have the right to share my parents money, nvm someone else's parents money...

[doiask42much]

Don't you think her future spouse should share his money with her though? Even if they aren't yet married? I'm sure he's got a fair bit lying around.

 

No, I wouldn't think that his family should pay for her outright, and they have said it's a family trip and she's not yet family in their eyes. I think it's the fiance's lack of sympathy for her situation that is the problem. It's almost like he WANTS to rub it in her face. And he expects her to smile while he does it.

[love necessity]

I understand where you are coming from, but my situation is a little different. I don't have a mom or dad, and my boyfriends parents are still married. There are always and will always be times where I feel like I am being left out. For the most part though, it's only in my head, because his parents adore me like their own. They wouldn't intentionally try to keep me out or hurt me. Every family has an "inside" thing, where they do something only family does. It's what keeps a family together so to speak.

 

You have to understand, that your boyfriend has bond with his family, just like he has with you. There will be things that he will do with you that he will not do with his family and vice versa.

 

You just have to keep your wits about you.

 

Don't go flippin' out, when family issues arise, or you'll push him away quickly, and if he is truly the one, that won't be good for you. If he is a family oriented person, then let him be. It won't be too long before they will have to start including you in family activities, heck you'll have their last name.

 

Do you try to become apart of the family? Or are you so blinded by the fact that they have money and live in a million dollar home, that you don't even try? Just because they have more money does make them better.

 

<U>Off the subject a little<U/>

 

You say since you were a little girl, your parents never had money. Have you always had the thought that people with money are somehow "stuck up?" If so, that would be like me saying poor people typically steal. It's not right to categorize them. Maybe they didn't invite you because they don't feel as though they know you. Maybe you blocked them out because you feel you are different. Perhaps, maybe it had to do with your issues with his siblings. You say they are stuck up, but do you truly know that? Maybe they do have to work hard for what they earn. Like I said, you shouldn't be so quick to pass judgment, because that will just push people away.

 

Not trying to sound mean. I thought the way you did once, but it didn't get me anywhere.

 

<U>Back on the subject: <U/>

 

When you are married to this man and his family still doesn't include you in family functions, then the heck with that. It's time to do say something to his parents. But, until then, try becoming a little closer to them, minus all the money. Do something that doesn't involve money like going to the park with them, or inviting them to your house for dinner. You will be surprised at the things you could find out.

 

Until then, he should really plan something nice for you, for his return, make sure you let him know to bring you something home!

 

This could be a nice 3 weeks. Hang out with friends, go out, have a good time! ♥

[Trialbyfire]

Don't you think her future spouse should share his money with her though? Even if they aren't yet married? I'm sure he's got a fair bit lying around.

 

No, I wouldn't think that his family should pay for her outright, and they have said it's a family trip and she's not yet family in their eyes. I think it's the fiance's lack of sympathy for her situation that is the problem. It's almost like he WANTS to rub it in her face. And he expects her to smile while he does it.

No, I don't. They can share the mutual earnings starting as at the point that they're married but beyond that, he has no obligation to share the rest. If he does, it's extra.

[VinaAmez]

Once again I ask why people feel that someone else's family money is theirs to share. Speaking of the self-entitled...

 

This goes way deeper than that. It's the way things are panning out that's seems to raise issue.

[Tomcat33]

. I think it's the fiance's lack of sympathy for her situation that is the problem. It's almost like he WANTS to rub it in her face. And he expects her to smile while he does it.

 

 

BINGO! Furthermore, it is his duty to make her feel welcome in the family NOT to make a significant distinction between WE vs you.

 

If he wants that he should stay married to his family he sounds like a manipulative and inconsiderate spoiled bratt who always thinks and will always only think of himself because "his parents have money".

 

I can see it now, "you can stay home taking care of the baby because you can't afford it anyway, I am off the coast of France for a month, maybe when junior is old enough you can both have a peice of the action too""

BLeeeechhhh that's just gross!

 

And yes the family should offer because it would a nice gesture welcoming their daughter in law into the family, I see NOTHING wrong with that. For as long as he goes along with the destinct seperation of lives, she will NEVER be considered part of the family. I see PLENTY wrong with that. It's far less about the money and so much more about the action itself, it speaks volumes of those people and what they think of this girl.

 

I am 100% with Surfgirl on this one, it would be very upsetting to get rejected like that. And the family to say "she is not family yet?" HOW RUDE!

 

If my parents were well off and I was with my fiance, they would be the first to ask if WE could take the trip with them it just shows NO class to make the distinction to seperate us. Totally classless in my opinion.

 

In fact I went on a cruise with an exboyfriend whom I lived with and his family they had always asked us to go along, I felt bad because at the time I couldn't afford it I had just bought my house and was super strapped, and his answer was "baby of course this is an invitation from my family to us, you don't need to worry about that my parents can afford it and they really want us there and I won't go without you so please say yes" Of course I said yes we went on a two week cruise to Europe and it was great to all be together and get to know them day to day as you do being on a cruise.

[Trialbyfire]

This goes way deeper than that. It's the way things are panning out that's seems to raise issue.

I highly doubt it. If his family were to take her on the vacation, you wouldn't hear a peep...

[Tomcat33]

I highly doubt it. If his family were to take her on the vacation, you wouldn't hear a peep...

 

 

Well duhhhhh..! of course you wouldn't there would be no problem. The problem is both the family and the guy are making it very clear she is NOT considered part of the family. That is just mean.

[VinaAmez]

I highly doubt it. If his family were to take her on the vacation, you wouldn't hear a peep...

I sure hope not. That has crossed my mind though.