Feeling resentful because my fiance comes from money and is vacationing without me.

[Trialbyfire]

The woman who started this thread topic is not running around resenting people and feeling jealous for people in general, she is feeling resentment for her fiance who is doing everything in his power to create an unhealthy situation between she and him. Her feelings are HARDLY unjustified, to me they are entirely valid.

 

She didn't post that she is jealous of Paris Hilton's llife style she posted about resentful feelings her FIANCE'S actions porvoked in her by creating this segregation so selfishly this early on and just as she is about to embark on a life long journey with this guy. I think she is 100% right to question her feelings and to question her situation and to feel downright crappy about it.

What you are supporting and promoting is not healthy. IF the underlying reason is that she's unhappy with his actions in general, then she should do something about it. IF she resents or is jealous and envious of his good fortune, then that's another ball game. Best to get to the core issues, rather than wrapping them up in one big useless ball of wax and never understanding why the relationship explodes into a billion power games and petty arguments.

[doiask42much]

The prevalent attitude is that it's a requirement and proof of love. I say otherwise. It's a personal choice to share or not, not an obligation. Resentment, jealousy and envy come from the perception of obligation.

 

Agree with tomcat and luvmy2ns.

 

Ok, say time is money. Is he then not obligated to share any of his time with her either? Can you have a relationship where you're not spending time together? Kind of odd. Money isn't just money. It's a path to freedom, opportunity, and experiences. Why wouldn't he want to share those with her if he loves her? And she with him, if it were the case she had more money?

 

And why does he have to wait till the wedding day to want to share? That doesn't show a very generous spirit. From my experience, those who are tight with their money are often petty in other ways as well, male and female. I think you are making this a gender/finance issue when it's really just about love and consideration.

 

Do you think he's treating her well? Especially for this stage of their relationship, when things are supposed to be all roses? It hasn't been established that this is a recurring pattern (her resentment of his family's wealth), though I suppose it could be.

 

You said you would say you weren't shuttling him to the airport. She already mentioned this to him and be responded by MANIPULATING her by saying he would take her if the situation were reversed. This guy is bad news. Offering some words of reassurance wouldn't cost anything. I know you're not a fan of babying people, but if you can't baby your baby (fiancee), who can you baby?

[luvmy2ns]

What you are supporting and promoting is not healthy. IF the underlying reason is that she's unhappy with his actions in general, then she should do something about it. IF she resents or is jealous and envious of his good fortune, then that's another ball game. Best to get to the core issues, rather than wrapping them up in one big useless ball of wax and never understanding why the relationship explodes into a billion power games and petty arguments.

 

I'm sure what she's feeling is sad and angry that he shows her so little consideration. The OP probably just assumes it's jealousy over the vacation she isn't getting. If she examines her feelings a bit, she may realize exactly where they're coming from. However, her feelings are quite valid. I think the guy's being a selfish, self-centered jerk. I had one that, after awhile, turned out to be just like him. History.

[doiask42much]

What you are supporting and promoting is not healthy. IF the underlying reason is that she's unhappy with his actions in general, then she should do something about it. IF she resents or is jealous and envious of his good fortune, then that's another ball game. Best to get to the core issues, rather than wrapping them up in one big useless ball of wax and never understanding why the relationship explodes into a billion power games and petty arguments.

 

Ok, I agree with this too. I guess we are all splitting hairs here. You're assuming it's the wealth she's resentful of whereas the rest of the recent posters are assuming it's the actions. Only Surfgirl really knows which one it is. I believe she is citing these superficial things (cruise, money) because she doesn't realize the underlying cause of her feelings and surface things are easier to pinpoint. Hopefully talking it out here will help her figure that out, if it doesn't confuse her further!

[Tomcat33]

What you are supporting and promoting is not healthy. IF the underlying reason is that she's unhappy with his actions in general, then she should do something about it. IF she resents or is jealous and envious of his good fortune, then that's another ball game. Best to get to the core issues, rather than wrapping them up in one big useless ball of wax and never understanding why the relationship explodes into a billion power games and petty arguments.

 

 

Well I am doing exactly what Surfgirl asked, offering my point of view on whether I agree with what she is feeling or not.

And my answer is: I AGREE!

 

I am not about to tell her what she should do about it unless she asks for that, until we see a thread about that, I will stick to my point and the point of the thread and on what she has ACTUALLY requested anything over that is completely off topic.

[doiask42much]

I'm sure what she's feeling is sad and angry that he shows her so little consideration. The OP probably just assumes it's jealousy over the vacation she isn't getting. If she examines her feelings a bit, she may realize exactly where they're coming from. However, her feelings are quite valid. I think the guy's being a selfish, self-centered jerk. I had one that, after awhile, turned out to be just like him. History.

Ha, we said the same thing, more or less.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I am doing exactly what Surfgirl asked, offering my point of view on whether I agree with what she is feeling or not.

And my answer is: I AGREE!

 

I am not about to tell her what she should do about it unless she asks for that, until we see a thread about that, I will stick to my point and the point of the thread and on what she has ACTUALLY requested anything over that is completely off topic.

You're just arguing now to win which does nothing for the OP. Okay, does she have a right to feel this resentment for his good fortune. NO. Her resentment is a petty emotion.

[Tomcat33]

Ok, I agree with this too. I guess we are all splitting hairs here. You're assuming it's the wealth she's resentful of whereas the rest of the recent posters are assuming it's the actions. Only Surfgirl really knows which one it is. I believe she is citing these superficial things (cruise, money) because she doesn't realize the underlying cause of her feelings and surface things are easier to pinpoint. Hopefully talking it out here will help her figure that out, if it doesn't confuse her further!

 

 

EXACTLY! Missing the big picture here..

 

Seldom is a fight or altercation or confrontation within a couple about the issue at hand it is often about the emotions that the situation evokes that brings forth a much deeper issue that forms the big picture.

 

In this case it could very well be the insecurities that Sufrgirl aready feels about the inequality of their wealth, and her concerns entering this union VS how her fiance makes the gap even more pronnounce when he could be doing something to close the gap and reassure her that it's not that big of an issue. It seems a lack of maturity on his part to not want to see how his actions would affect her. That to me seems like the real issue, this cruise is the straw that broke....

But I personally wouldn't expect that much more from someone who has has everything served to them their whole lives, empathy is not perhaps part of his makeup. That is something she does need to consider.

[Tomcat33]

You're just arguing now to win which does nothing for the OP. Okay, does she have a right to feel this resentment for his good fortune. NO. Her resentment is a petty emotion.

 

 

Well we'll leave that up to the OP if my validating her feelings does something for her or not, shall we?

 

I support her feelings 100%. There is nothing petty about what she is feeling, her feelings are totally valid.

[norajane]

I work 60+ hours a week at a stressful job

 

I would love more than anything to have this opportunity and desperately need the vacation (I have been saving up my vacation time for our wedding which is out of state).

 

the overwhelming issue for me is that I feel jealous because I so desperately need a vacation. My work has been taking over my life lately and I feel so stressed and just want to get away for a week.

 

Besides changing my job and/or hours, what can I do to make this easier on me?

 

Can you change your job or your hours? I ask because your work is taking over your life and that is not going to be good for you longer term, completely outside this trip. While I understand how a vacation would help right now, that's a temporary fix for a bigger problem - you cannot handle working this much.

 

He asked that I take him to and from the airport. I'm getting up at 3:30am to take him to the airport and then home to get ready and then to work for 10 hours after that. When he comes back I am picking him up at 1:00am and have to be at work at 6:00am, so there's more lost sleep.

 

I asked him if he could just get a cab or have a friend of his take him, and he got very offended and said that he really wanted me to take him. He also stated that if I were the one going on the trip he would drop everything and take me and pick me up. The difference here is that he doesn't have set hours and so he has the schedule that would comfortably allow for that.

While we see eye to eye on just about everything else, we come from very different financial backgrounds.

Are you SURE you really see eye to eye on everything else? Because it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he isn't considerate of your work schedule and can't see beyond his own wants to notice your needs.

 

Does he really 'get it' how hard you are working? Does he 'get it' that you are in desperate need of vacation and the primary reason you aren't taking any time off is so that you can take time off for your out-of-town wedding?

 

Does he ever do things to help you relax on the weekends? Does he give you massages, plan dinner, offer to take some of your errands off your hands so you can relax when you aren't working, does he bring you fresh strawberries and ice cream to cheer you up? Those things aren't financial, but he can offer you support and assistance by being thoughtful and understanding of how exhausted you are. If he isn't doing any of those kinds of things, then he's not being a good friend to you.

 

 

I'm sorry I don't have any good ideas on how to get beyond the over-tired, over-stressed envy that's crept in. I know how I felt in college when I worked my way through and had to listen to the whining of the other students who did not need to work yet they just didn't have time to get all their studying done. And how I felt when I heard about their great summer tours of Europe while I was stuck working 40 hours a week all summer just to afford to go back to school the next September.

 

It must be much, much worse to have that myopic attitude so close to you in the form of a fiancee. Your finacee is the one who should best understand the kind of stress you are under, and who should be the first to be sensitive to it and offer sympathy and kindness, not make demands that will stress you out even further. He does seem insensitive...I hope you'll consider whether this is an isolated incident or if this is his nature.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds to me that he has the money issues, not the OP. He has put himself, money and family before the partnership. Which in all probability means that these things will always come first.

 

A committed relationship is a partnership. Nothing should come before the partnership.

 

Usually family will not involve themself in the relationship unless there is abuse or something. And most would not invite one without inviting the other. So...I am wondering if this family is not up to something.

 

It also sounds as if maybe the BF has a bit of contempt for her because she is working class. He does seem to be reveling in the fact that she cannot go.

[Topper]

I'm not going to get into the whole argument here. I'm only going to state what I would do if I was Surfergirls fiancee.

As soon as My Mother and father told me about the trip , and that Surfer was not welcomed at this time i would have turned them down. " Thanks Mom and dad sounds like a great trip. but honestly I have obligations to Surfergirl. She is under a lot of stress at her work. Leaving now will just put more stress on her." Then i would make this offfer to my family " Maybe week could do a week at the beach so I can be closer in case she needs me."

IMHO that is what a man would do. I can understand a family wanting to do something as a Family before a new member changes that family dynamic. But 3 weeks almost sounds like while they have him on the ship it will be a good time to talk him out of marrying beneath his social class.

[Tomcat33]

It sounds to me that he has the money issues, not the OP. He has put himself, money and family before the partnership. Which in all probability means that these things will always come first.

 

A committed relationship is a partnership. Nothing should come before the partnership.

 

Usually family will not involve themself in the relationship unless there is abuse or something. And most would not invite one without inviting the other. So...I am wondering if this family is not up to something.

 

It also sounds as if maybe the BF has a bit of contempt for her because she is working class. He does seem to be reveling in the fact that she cannot go.

 

YUP! on all counts. It's very clear he is married to his parents and she will always come second in this threesome, the family is doing nothing to stop this, heck sounds like they are even behind it...money protects money, people's feelings just get in the way.

 

His insensitivity and actions is something definitely to be reckoned with.

[VinaAmez]

I'm not going to get into the whole argument here. I'm only going to state what I would do if I was Surfergirls fiancee.

As soon as My Mother and father told me about the trip , and that Surfer was not welcomed at this time i would have turned them down. " Thanks Mom and dad sounds like a great trip. but honestly I have obligations to Surfergirl. She is under a lot of stress at her work. Leaving now will just put more stress on her." Then i would make this offfer to my family " Maybe week could do a week at the beach so I can be closer in case she needs me."

IMHO that is what a man would do. I can understand a family wanting to do something as a Family before a new member changes that family dynamic. But 3 weeks almost sounds like while they have him on the ship it will be a good time to talk him out of marrying beneath his social class.

Good post Topper and I agree .

[corazoncito]

Just for sh*ts and giggles, would all of you be fighting over this so passionately if the fiance's vacation were driving cross country with his family in an RV? I think the money issue has hit a lot of raw nerves here.

 

First off, I think he sounds very immature, naive, and not ready for a marriage.

 

I also think the OP doesn't sound ready for marriage either. Whether you think she's justified to do it or not, playing the martyr, pouting and expecting the person who has offended you to do all of the communicating and problem resolution is not a mature or realistic attitude. If you have a problem and are a mature adult, you communicate the problem to your partner in an open and calm way and together try and find a resolution that you both can live with. If that is not possible, then you need to consider that you and this other person do not communicate well and have different values, so a relationship may not be possible.

 

For example, if she doesn't want to pick him up, she should tell him that calmly and stick to that decision. Going ahead and doing it but complaining the whole time, bringing it up in future arguments down the road, etc. that's immature. Just tell him, and if he doesn't like it, tough, he needs to grow up and pay for a taxi.

 

Also, I agree with TBF that the fiance's family is NOT obligated to include her in their vacation. And since it's clear that the fiance is not the one footing the bill, he can't invite her. I don't know that he should bail on his family vacation because his fiancee isn't invited. By the same token, I don't understand why she would want to marry a guy who would let his family steamroll him like that.

 

This just sounds like a very bad match and I seriously doubt these different values and the mutual lack of communication skills have NEVER come up until the whole vacation fiasco.

 

I'm just frustrated by the exchange that's going on because I don't think it's very productive to look at a relationship problem and try to immediately cast one person as blameless and without responsibility for the problems and the other by default as completely responsible for everything negative. Maybe it's very satisfying for a few minutes to feel that the poster you identify with is right/righteous and therefore deserves for the other person to just bend to their will, but that is not how real, successful relationships work. It's always about finding a compromise. And if you can't do that, accept that you need to move on.

 

In this case, they seem so different, I just don't think they belong together. Neither one of them needs to be punished for that, or, conversely, they both deserve equal punishment. I prefer the former.

[SurfGirl42]

Just to make the situation more clear, let me explain some things that people here have been asking.

 

1. We are having a long engagement because, quite frankly, I just don't have the time to wedding under a tight time frame.

 

2. He knows that I need a vacation in a bad way. He sees every day how stressed I am and I have told him point blank "What I really need is a vacation".

 

3. He said that he considered for a moment not going and going on a trip with me, but then came back and told me that he couldn't pass up this opportunity to have this all expenses paid vacation (even if I wasn't included).

 

4. None of his siblings are married and his parents won't let me come because "she's not family yet". They don't let us share a room when we go to visit them and I'm sure we wouldn't be allowed to share a cabin because it would set a bad example for his younger siblings. Keep in mind the youngest is 21. I think another reason I have been excluded is because although we are engaged, we're not married. If they let me come, then what happens when the next sibling gets engaged and they allow her to come, and then they break up and all that $ is out the window. I personally don't agree with this logic, but maybe that's why they are doing this.

 

He keeps insisting that one day I "might have a shot" at an opportunity like this and to be positive. It's just so hard when I have never had the opportunities to travel all over the world the way that he has all of his life, and I have worked so hard my whole life.

 

I know that life isn't fair and I don't want to come across as a total whiner, but come on. I just want a break.

[Tomcat33]

It sounds like his family has real faith in your relationship! (sarcasm) it sounds the complete opposite actually.

 

 

Have you talked to him about this, have told him how you feel and have you said to him the same things you are saying to us here? If so what is his reaction?

 

You don't have to share rooms, you could just go up for one week if three weeks is too $$.

 

I don't understand your fiance's and family's logic but your choice to marry them, and don't think you are not marrying all of them because by the sounds of it you are.

 

 

I hate to say this but it also sounds like you are bieng a littl but frivolous for your reasons to want this trip, with the last comment you made. Yes you may not have had any breaks in life but does his family OWE you because of that? Just a thought....

 

The deal is really between your bo and you, if he can't understand your feelings in this matter how do you hope to form a future together? there are going to be many instances like this again, and if the family does not wish to spend extravagantly on you and they wish to do so on their son, it is quite obvious that your man is not going to stand between that. Are you ready to cope with his behaviour is what you should be asking yourself.

 

The trip seems like a done deal he is not taking you and that's that, have you accepted that? I doesn't seem like you could even reason with that guy, if he can't see you need a break too....I doubt he will be able to see a lot of things that matter to you.

[Trialbyfire]

Please DO NOT try to push your way into his family vacation. It's a sure-fire way to alienate his entire family.

[norajane]

2. He knows that I need a vacation in a bad way. He sees every day how stressed I am and I have told him point blank "What I really need is a vacation".

 

And what does he do to try to help you through this? As I asked in my previous post in your thread:

 

Does he ever do things to help you relax on the weekends? Does he give you massages, plan dinner, offer to take some of your errands off your hands so you can relax when you aren't working, does he bring you fresh strawberries and ice cream to cheer you up? Those things aren't financial, but he can offer you support and assistance by being thoughtful and understanding of how exhausted you are. If he isn't doing any of those kinds of things, then he's not being a good friend to you.

He keeps insisting that one day I "might have a shot" at an opportunity like this and to be positive.

 

You know, I thought this was a crappy thing for him to say the first time I read it, and I think it's just as crappy now that I've read it again.

 

The thing is, your financee should not be telling you that 'you might have a shot' at an opportunity like that. He should be saying, "sweetheart, I wish I could take you on this vacation with me, because I won't have as much fun without you there. Even if I paid for you to come with me, you can't take that kind of time away from work, not with our wedding next year. I promise you the best honeymoon you can imagine, and we'll have a lifetime of trips together to look forward to. Let's start planning for where you'd like to go for our next vacation after our honeymoon."

 

If he can't say something like that to you, again, consider if this is his nature.

 

And, what are you doing for a honeymoon? Can't you go to Europe or on a cruise then since you'll have the time off, and surely, he's willing to pay for a nice honeymoon for you both?

[doiask42much]

 

I know that life isn't fair and I don't want to come across as a total whiner, but come on. I just want a break.

 

I think his family has every right to exclude you and for you to not take offense to that.

 

But at this point, what is it that you want, exactly? What do you mean by "a break"? Do you mean go on this trip specifically? That's not going to happen, so there's no point thinking about that. Let it go. Take one of your own with friends? Take one with him at a later date? Or simply that he be more supportive and do more to help alleviate your stress, as norajane said?

 

I guess I'm not clear on what you think of his behavior and what it is you would like to happen in your relationship. You've already had a lot of us tell you your feelings are valid and that you're not totally crazy for feeling how you do. What is it that you want now? You don't seem to be questioning whether you two are a good fit, which I find odd also.

[doiask42much]

Corazoncito, great post. Many excellent points. However, I WOULD be p*ssed if my fiance were going cross country in an RV without me because that's how I roll. If anything, the price tag of the cruise as the reason I can't go would be missing, so I could possibly be even more miffed! I'd understand them not wanting to spend $8k on me, but if I'm just one more passenger in a van, the cost would be neglible, therefore I'd be more inclined to take it personally. Not because I want to drive cross country so badly but I at least would like to not be BARRED from the trip.

[nittygritty]

If the guy has invested in a ring and asked you to marry him than I am not understanding why you would be mad that he is going on a trip to Europe that his parents are paying for him to go on.

 

I agree with corazoncito, if it were a 3 week cross country family trip in an RV that you weren't yet being included in, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

Would you be mad if this was your best friend going on a family trip to Europe and you weren't being offered the same deal? Would you expect your best friend not to go because their family wasn't going to pay your way too? Shouldn't your fiance get best friend treatment?

 

Be happy for him, give him a ride to and from the airport, answer the phone when he calls you to tell you all about it and remember: There may come a time that you may wish for him and his family to all go to Europe for 3 weeks without you.

[Tomcat33]

Would you be mad if this was your best friend going on a family trip to Europe and you weren't being offered the same deal? Would you expect your best friend not to go because their family wasn't going to pay your way too? Shouldn't your fiance get best friend treatment?

 

 

 

For pete's sake, the guy is her fiance not the next door neighbour. Ok the family doesn't owe her but let's put some perspective on things shall we?

 

The family isn't the issue, in fact the fiance is. And the more I read the "some day you might have a shot at this too" line, the more it irks me. I tied to envision all the other things he could have said that perhaps Surf is leaving out, just to give this sod the benefit of the doubt but then I read that one killer line and all bets are off. I mean really, WHO says something like that to the one they love? Only and inconsiderate and immature jack-a$$ does.

 

PS I'd say ixne on the cheuffering him to the aiport, if they can afford an 8K trip they can afford a $30 cab ride. LOL

[corazoncito]

Corazoncito, great post. Many excellent points. However, I WOULD be p*ssed if my fiance were going cross country in an RV without me because that's how I roll. If anything, the price tag of the cruise as the reason I can't go would be missing, so I could possibly be even more miffed! I'd understand them not wanting to spend $8k on me, but if I'm just one more passenger in a van, the cost would be neglible, therefore I'd be more inclined to take it personally. Not because I want to drive cross country so badly but I at least would like to not be BARRED from the trip.

 

Point taken! Yeah, you're right, I wasn't thinking about it that way. I was thinking more, what if it weren't a luxury cruise in Europe. Would she still want to go so badly on this particular trip and with his family? Or would she be more willing to take some time off of work and take a relaxing but less expensive trip? Which you basically brought up in your other post too.

 

I just thinking the whole situation sounds bad because of the lack of communication on both sides. I get these sense of barely suppressed resentment on her side and complete lack of empathy on his. And that's not a good combination for a marriage that hasn't even begun yet.

 

The other things is that there have been a number of comments about how he should share his money with her, pay for this and that to make it up to her in the future. I haven't actually picked up anywhere in the OP's posts that he HAS much money of his own. He benefits from his family, but it doesn't sound like he works much. That also is a red flag. If he continues to depend on his family for money after they get married, the family's always going to have a say in their lives. And if he doesn't, it can be hard to adjust to living at a lower income level and that can throw a lot of stress into the relationship.

[doiask42much]

Point taken! Yeah, you're right, I wasn't thinking about it that way. I was thinking more, what if it weren't a luxury cruise in Europe. Would she still want to go so badly on this particular trip and with his family? Or would she be more willing to take some time off of work and take a relaxing but less expensive trip? Which you basically brought up in your other post too.

 

I just thinking the whole situation sounds bad because of the lack of communication on both sides. I get these sense of barely suppressed resentment on her side and complete lack of empathy on his. And that's not a good combination for a marriage that hasn't even begun yet.

 

The other things is that there have been a number of comments about how he should share his money with her, pay for this and that to make it up to her in the future. I haven't actually picked up anywhere in the OP's posts that he HAS much money of his own. He benefits from his family, but it doesn't sound like he works much. That also is a red flag. If he continues to depend on his family for money after they get married, the family's always going to have a say in their lives. And if he doesn't, it can be hard to adjust to living at a lower income level and that can throw a lot of stress into the relationship.

 

More excellent points! I, like the others, was assuming he had money or at least access to it, but you're right, if it came from his family, they are going to dictate how he spends it and he's going to kowtow to them. The whole situation sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

I guess we all need to chill with how we'd feel if we were Surfgirl and wait for her to actually weigh in with her feelings, other than resentment. Funny how this thread has gotten quite carried away and we are seemingly more involved in her problem than she is. She really seems alarmingly detached from the situation, other than the vacation and her stress levels when there are so many bigger problems at hand. Those are just symptoms.