Feeling resentful because my fiance comes from money and is vacationing without me.

[VirtualInsanity]

It's possible he's still attached to his family & wants to please them.

[katiebour]

To answer everyone's questions: yes, there is an engagement ring. No, we don't live together because his family doesn't think that it's a good idea to live together before you're married and it also goes against their religious beliefs.

 

What does everyone think about me setting that boundary with him showing me the pictures, etc?

 

Just to be clear, I am NOT asking him to choose between me and his family. I would never ask anyone to do that. It's not fair. All I am asking is that he back me up and support me. I would do the same for him (and already have with my parents when they didn't agree with something he did).

 

I'm of two minds about not wanting him to bring up the vacation with you, Surf. On the one hand, this was really upsetting for you, and of course you don't want to be reminded of it. On the other hand, after he comes back, every time he thinks about this trip he will be reminded of how unhappy it made you, which will ruin any good memories of the trip otherwise. You will be making a major, permanent issue of this that, ten years down the road, will still lodge between the two of you every time he pulls out that album.

 

Of course you don't want to be getting all the emails etc. while he's away and you are so stressed- but I would advise against putting that wedge between you when he's home. When he pulls out the pictures, of course you will be upset at first. Just be honest with him about how you feel, talk it through, and then let it go.

 

After all, you yourself said the real issue is that his family's wants came before your wants in this case, and you're afraid that it will always be that way. Deal with the issue by talking it over, working it out- don't make an issue out of the vacation itself.

 

Does that make sense?

[michelangelo]

My future father in law was furious with me and even kicked his daughter out of the house. Why? Because he being a strict mormon did not want his daughter sleeping with anyone outside of wedlock.

 

I even went to a family gathering once at my then girlfriend's request and the guy would actually leave the room if i walked in.

 

I felt as though I was totally being dissed as a person.

 

But what was happening is that he didn't want yet another of his daughters to have a baby outside of wedlock. No, his daughter wasn't preggers, but she could have been.

 

Once we got engaged and married, he changed his attitude towards me big time. In fact, I would venture to say we got very close. I helped him maintain his trailer park he owned when even his own sons would make excuses to him.

 

After I married his daughter he was quite generous with me in many ways that were not apparent when i was just nailing his daughter.

 

I do not share his religious believes, but I can respect that his beliefs dictate that certain things are not done or condoned without a marriage.

 

It is quite possible that once your fiance marries you, that his family will welcome you with open arms and include you in family vacations.

 

It is not out of the realm of possibility that they gift you with a honeymoon trip too.

 

Have you considered that they may have been thinking of such a gift for you and their son? Maybe they are not going to do that, but what will you be feeling when you are on such a special honeymoon trip on their dime if you just bite your lip about your headtrips?

 

If you lash out at them now, you may get a bus tour of Atlantic City.

[katiebour]

Let's put it in a hypothetical situation:

 

Fiance: Hey, honey, I'm so glad to be home! Check out all the cool pics of my trip! Let me tell you all about it!

 

Surf: Hon, I'm glad you had a good time and enjoyed everything; I just want to let you know that I felt really bad while you were gone. I was so stressed and missed you so much! I felt like your family was more important than me, and I'm worried that they might be more important to you than me even after we get married. What do you think?

 

Fiance: Honey, no, I'm sorry that you felt that way. What can I do to make it better?

 

Surf: In the future, maybe we could compromise, or talk to your family about doing something less expensive so that I could pay my way to go with you, or work things out so that we could take a trip when I have some time off. I don't want to be excluded from trips with you. After all, I'll be your family too, and I love being with you and having fun with you.

 

Fiance: I'm sorry honey, next time we'll go together, I promise. I wish you could have been there with me and I'm sorry that you were so stressed and unhappy. <hugs>

 

Surf: Thanks honey. So tell me about the trip, let's see the pictures.

 

This would be the best-case scenario, obviously. But you want to have this conversation without making him feel defensive. As you already said, this isn't about choosing between them or you, it's about being included and your needs and wants being considered equally with his family's wants and needs.

 

Try to stick to "I feel" statements, and avoid the "You made me feel..." type statements.

 

Instead of making the vacation the bone of contention, address the heart of the issue, resolve it, and then forgive. Let go of your resentment, let him share it with you, and let it go.

 

Chances are that he will be bringing back souvenirs for you, and his emails and texts are his way of trying to include you. Once you've addressed the real problem, let him give to you.

 

A non-confrontational attitude and a willingness to forgive are key here. Make this a stepping-stone to greater closeness and growth with your fiance.

[Trialbyfire]

It's possible he's still attached to his family & wants to please them.

Family is everything. Creating any form of tug-a-war between two entirely different but equally important components in a person's life will bring an unpleasant married experience.

 

If someone were to do that to me before we got married, I would not put up with it. Something's got to give in a situation like that and as far as I'm concerned, family would come first.

[nittygritty]

I don't think you should set a boundary about him showing you pictures from the trip. I think that you may have gotten yourself really worked up over something that is not his fault, other than his comments about "Someday you may have a shot at this too" which could just be the result of him saying something stupid or without thinking before he spoke.

 

Actually, I think you have already said to him all that you need to say about this trip and you need to drop it. He knows your feelings about it. Don't stew about it anymore. Hopefully, you miss him, right? Don't verbally attack him or not look at the pictures, etc. This was something beyond his control. Try to muster up some good feelings for him, right now and don't focus on his verbal faux paus of telling you about his trip.

 

In your first post you said basically that other than this trip disagreement he is a good guy that treats you well. Did I understand that right? Or have there been other communication problems similiar to this one with the theme revolving around the same type of issues?

 

In the future, your going to be faced with this problem again. Engaged or Married to him. If he ever has to travel with a job. There may be trips that don't include spouse's. Are you going to want him to quit his job if that happens?

 

Wedding Etiquette calls for the bride's family to pay for most of the wedding expenses, are you going to be okay with it if his family does not offer to pay for the bride's family portion of the wedding? I sure hope so because the marriage should be the focus not the wedding.

 

It is common for couples to have different attitudes about money. How to spend their time and money. Differences in attitudes about their relationships with their parents. I think the two of you need to either come to some sort of agreement or you can just accept the situation as it is, without blaming him or feeling resentment, then your relationship will be better.

 

You can't ask him to apologize for his family not including you in this trip. He has explained his parents reasons why to you. He was offered a free 3 week trip to Europe, how can you blame him for going? I'm sure you would like to have gone but it is not his fault that they did not offer you the same deal.

 

If you have any sort of chip on your shoulder about people who are financially wealthy and feel a resentment because his family are financially wealthy than your going to feel that resentment every time issues that involve you wishing or wanting for more and seeing his family with what looks to you to be an extravagant lifestyle, wasteful spending and mostly unavailable to you.

[IpAncA]

If someone were to do that to me before we got married, I would not put up with it. Something's got to give in a situation like that and as far as I'm concerned, family would come first.

 

TBF, family only comes first so far. There is such a thing as over attachment to family while neglecting your SO's needs. Granted their not married but when they are, she can't be waiting on the side.

 

Family is family and they have no right to tell someone in a committed relationship how to live. Sure they can have suggestions or comments but they can't get in the way of the couple. What they do is none of their concern.

 

What does everyone think about me setting that boundary with him showing me the pictures, etc?

 

Are you saying that you don't want to see pictures? I can a sure you when you tell him you don't want to hear about his trip or see pictures, he will ask why. Just try not to go on a complaining yelling spree.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF, family only comes first so far. There is such a thing as over attachment to family while neglecting your SO's needs. Granted their not married but when they are, she can't be waiting on the side.

 

Family is family and they have no right to tell someone in a committed relationship how to live. Sure they can have suggestions or comments but they can't get in the way of the couple. What they do is none of their concern.

They're not controlling anything beyond what is within their realm to control. A family vacation does not have to include paying for someone who's not yet technically in the family. If they have religious beliefs that the two shouldn't sleep together previous to marriage, it is within their right to not invite her unless anyone feels that they should be financing a separate cabin for her. I don't and I wouldn't expect it of anyone to finance even the original trip, nevermind a separate cabin.

[IpAncA]

They're not controlling anything beyond what is within their realm to control. A family vacation does not have to include paying for someone who's not yet technically in the family. If they have religious beliefs that the two shouldn't sleep together previous to marriage, it is within their right to not invite her unless anyone feels that they should be financing a separate cabin for her. I don't and I wouldn't expect it of anyone to finance even the original trip, nevermind a separate cabin.

I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about the other stuff the OP was mentioning.

[luvmy2ns]

I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about the other stuff the OP was mentioning.

 

Yup. If the two of them decide that it's okay for them to live together, but he bends to the wishes of his family, that's a huge problem. I mean, wanting to please your family is all well and good, but is he really letting them tell him how to live? And as for people who say, "Well, after they're married..." Is he gonna suddenly "grow a pair" after they say "I do?" Doubt it.

[IpAncA]

And as for people who say, "Well, after they're married..." Is he gonna suddenly "grow a pair" after they say "I do?" Doubt it.

 

Yep. If the person you marry suddenly changes like that after "I do," then I need to talk to someone because I got hosed.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about the other stuff the OP was mentioning.

The only "other stuff" are the living arrangements.

 

I think what we need to know is if surfgirl is living on her own right now, where her fiancé is living and does he support himself through a decent job or not.