I broke it off....now I'm hurting so badly!

[fray718]

Been only dating this guy since April, he broke up with me saying he's got anxiety attacks over being in a relationship and needs therapy, then he came back 2 weeks later to want to be with me but it will be under circumstances where we'd agree to be labeled bf/gf but he won't be willing to open himself up to me and connect with me like a real bf. I was ok with it as really I just want a bf, doesnt matter with who and doesnt matter what he does (there is a reason behind why I want this, but that is another story...basically some guy I used to date really screwed me over)

 

Then there was this misunderstanding a week ago, and he said something that was mean and hurtful, and I got so mad that I broke up with him and then he apologized and that's when I found out it was a misunderstanding BUT he just said he doesnt like drama either and he let me go! He didnt even chase after me!! I was so hurt!!! I was immature and eventhough he apologized I sent him a mean email telling him that I will give him a second chance if he acts less rude...and I did it in the bitchiest way possible! Ofcourse he said he's not interested and I got a blow to my self-esteem and felt 10x more hurt than before.

 

Then because of that me just wanting a bf thing, I freaking emailed him and apologized and basically told him that really I just want a bf to take me to my own birthday party coming up soon. I emailed him Sunday morning and haven't heard back since (he has a habit of not returning such emails of complicated issues until a week later...he takes alot of time to decide on things maybe i dunno). But for some reason, this time I have this really bad gut feeling that he isnt even going to reply....and it's hurting me....I guess when my birthday party comes in 3 weeks and no reply, well then that is my answer. Gosh, why do I do this to myself??? I don't even like him that much, but I still want him as my bf (because of my god damn ex who screwed my mind over). WTF!!!!! :lmao:

[Star Gazer]

Okay, I mean this all in the kindest way possible, although it might come across as harsh.

 

Why are you hurting so badly, Fray? You're confusing me. I've followed your story from the get-go. You've always made it out to be like there was more to this 'relationship' than there ever really was, and I never quite got why - but now I do. You're literally desperate for a boyfriend. Why is that? Why is your self worth so wrapped up in having a relationship with a guy, even a not-so-good one with "whomever"?? Why do you want one so badly that you're willing to put his needs first and (as you admitted) act b*tchy and immature? If you're going to be desperate, at least go about it in a sweet way!

 

I was ok with it as really I just want a bf, doesnt matter with who and doesnt matter what he does (there is a reason behind why I want this, but that is another story...basically some guy I used to date really screwed me over)

 

This screams of desperation. Guys can smell it too. They're like dogs and bees who can smell fear, except they can smell a desperate girl.

 

BUT he just said he doesnt like drama and he let me go! He didnt even chase after me!! I was so hurt!!!

 

He let you go. Why would he chase after you?

 

I was immature and eventhough he apologized I sent him a mean email telling him that I will give him a second chance if he acts less rude...and I did it in the bitchiest way possible! Ofcourse he said he's not interested and I got a blow to my self-esteem and felt 10x more hurt than before.

 

What exactly were you expecting?

 

Then because of that me just wanting a bf thing, I freaking emailed him and apologized and basically told him that really I just want a bf to take me to my own birthday party coming up soon.

 

Oh G-d no, please tell me you didn't. That pretty much sealed the deal, I'm afraid.

[fray718]

Yea the whole bf for my birthday party thing was kinda bad yea I know, but I didn't want him to think I wanted him back just for him because that is not true. I was being honest with him. But it all got really ugly already a long time before this...when he wanted to get back with me, he honestly said its because he misses being close to someone (and I know he meant just anyone, not necessarily me)....so I suppose BOTH of US are just desperate for anyone....so yea i suppose you can say we are perfect for each other in that way lol. i'm jk....but really, we are both screwed up and we know it...we both talked bout how we are gonna get therapy.

 

I'm the first girl he dated seriously after his breakup and I made him realize that he's getting anxiety attacks from this. He's also my first serious one after dating this one guy who screwed me over and HE also made me realize how screwed up I am. I even told him when we're getting back together that it might be a good idea if we just are a couple for 3 months and then we will break up because we pretty much know this aint gonna go anywhere. And he was ok with it. We both know this is only going to be a temporary rebound for both of us.

 

We are both screwed up people with issues I'm afraid. And if he ignores me, it only means that he's trying to do some good for himself for once. And that will also be a sign for me to get my act together as well. This has all been one big mess. Basically, I have this traumatized past in me where I feel like if I can just get a bf for a month even then I can get over this trauma...I know it sounds crazy...no one I know understand what I mean by this or how I feel...it's like a thorn that is just tugging at me repeatedly and it's not even about desperation for a bf....but more like unresolved trauma.

[fray718]

Ok I wasnt sure about doing this, but I think I will...I will let you into the mind of one really warped up girl.....

 

You're literally desperate for a boyfriend. Why is that?

 

I addressed this in my long passage above. Unresolved trauma is the reason

 

 

Why do you want one so badly that you're willing to put his needs first and (as you admitted) act b*tchy and immature? If you're going to be desperate, at least go about it in a sweet way!

 

Thing is, I don't think I ever put up with his needs...and alot of the drama came from fact that I'm not going to comprise. He initially wanted to get back together as fwb, and I pretty much told him to f off, then I said I can only be with him if its bf/gf. And since he is so desparate, he agreed to it. As for being sweet, he is very harsh in how he expresses himself (which is where the misunderstanding came about) and if I'm sweet to him eventhough he is harsh to me then he will see me as a doormat which I am not and refuse to be. NEVER once did I beg him. That is why I'm making it clear that I just want a bf for my party and not that I want him back. He will think I'm desperate, but he knows that I already know he is desparate himself anyway.

 

 

 

This screams of desperation. Guys can smell it too. They're like dogs and bees who can smell fear, except they can smell a desperate girl.

 

He screamed that he is desparate as well ages ago

 

 

 

He let you go. Why would he chase after you?

What exactly were you expecting?

 

I admit, it was wrong of me to put him down like that. That is one thing I regret.

 

 

Oh G-d no, please tell me you didn't. That pretty much sealed the deal, I'm afraid.

 

See posting above. Like I said, me n this guy are two really screwed up minded people. Sorry if it scared you.

[vivrantflo]

The only thing I get from all of this, is that you need to be single hun. Be happy with being single first, then you'll be happier once you find someone good for you. When you're desparate like this, you'll settle.. and when you settle, you'll end up with creeps and jerks, and you don't need that. Take time to get over your first ex, and stay single.. when you feel the desparation go away, and you're satisified being by yourself.. that's usually when your great guy will come along! Good luck

[fray718]

The only thing I get from all of this, is that you need to be single hun. Be happy with being single first, then you'll be happier once you find someone good for you. When you're desparate like this, you'll settle.. and when you settle, you'll end up with creeps and jerks, and you don't need that. Take time to get over your first ex, and stay single.. when you feel the desparation go away, and you're satisified being by yourself.. that's usually when your great guy will come along! Good luck

I know what u mean, I do need a break from guys for a bit. But the scary thing is, that ex who ruined my life was 18 months ago, it wasn't just recentl. The experience was so traumatizing that my body was placed under so much stress that I had chemical imbalance and it caused health issues for me for awhile. He pretty much made me feel betrayed and he stripped me of all my self-esteem. It was by far the most emotionally painful experience in my life. 10 months after the break up, I'd turn pale still every time I saw him. It took me one year to finally get over him. What I have left is not longing for him, but rather the trauma left over that makes me feel so scared to date and trust any guy at all. I trusted my ex, and he put me through hell. I just can't trust guys anymore.

[fray718]

Well he replied Monday night and pretty much agreed to being my psuedo bf for now and ofcourse in return he gets to spend time with me haha...we still have not gone past first base yet....We'll see how long this lasts...hopefully until at least my birthday....just have to keep it up for at least 2 more weeks!!

[oppath]

It sounds like your last relationship left you in a clinical depression. Did you receive treatment for it, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy? It is very irrational to NEED to have a pseudo-boyfriend. Also, you seem to be skipping steps towards having a relationship. I remember your earlier posts and you were talking about exclusivity after 5-6 dates. Now, many people might not be dating others after that many dates, because they like someone and want to see where it goes, but that is not enough time to truly establish a relationship. You are still in high school, or are you older? A relationship takes a couple months to develop, if not longer. It sounds like you were jumping the gun with this guy most of the steps along the way.

 

Have I been there? Yep. We all have. And there have been times -- and there will be times in the future -- where I've gone out 5-6 times and broke things off and regretted it and feel WAY more attached than I should for various reasons. Nonetheless, those attachments were irrational. That doesn't mean they are trivial, they were important to me, but they were irrational.

 

You are creating unnecessary drama. You do not need a bf to validate yourself because you were screwed over in the past. WE HAVE ALL BEEN SCREWED OVER. And we've pretty much all screwed someone over too. That line of thinking will lead you to poor choices in men, people who are bad for you and who will traumatize you all over.

[fray718]

It sounds like your last relationship left you in a clinical depression. Did you receive treatment for it, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy? It is very irrational to NEED to have a pseudo-boyfriend.

No I did not seek therapy but I think I should have. This incident was 1.5 years ago though, should I still get therapy? I'm over him, but I'm not sure whether I'm over what happened though. I think the trauma has left me some scars.

 

Also, you seem to be skipping steps towards having a relationship. I remember your earlier posts and you were talking about exclusivity after 5-6 dates. Now, many people might not be dating others after that many dates, because they like someone and want to see where it goes, but that is not enough time to truly establish a relationship. You are still in high school, or are you older? A relationship takes a couple months to develop, if not longer. It sounds like you were jumping the gun with this guy most of the steps along the way.

I'm 23 (he's 24)...we are both well-educated and successful working professionals and he even is mentioned in some business pages as an up and coming entrepreunuer (you wouldn't think just from looking at us that we are both so screwed up) but I did not date until just 2 years ago and have never had a real bf before. I think I skip steps because really I just want a bf. But the way I want a bf is diff from others. I just want a bf, even if it's for a month, as though if I can just get a bf then I can get closure from what happened with my ex who said he did not see me as his gf.

 

Have I been there? Yep. We all have. And there have been times -- and there will be times in the future -- where I've gone out 5-6 times and broke things off and regretted it and feel WAY more attached than I should for various reasons. Nonetheless, those attachments were irrational. That doesn't mean they are trivial, they were important to me, but they were irrational.

Gosh, I know what you mean! It seems like I fall so easily for people after my ex and I mean I can get attached even after just 2 dates! My friends think I"m nutz. I think I fall easily because I want a bf so badly that I somehow make myself believe I've fallen for these people.

 

You are creating unnecessary drama. You do not need a bf to validate yourself because you were screwed over in the past. WE HAVE ALL BEEN SCREWED OVER. And we've pretty much all screwed someone over too. That line of thinking will lead you to poor choices in men, people who are bad for you and who will traumatize you all over.

I know what you mean. And somehow in this whole episode with this guy (called W) I've come to realize exactly what you just said. This is weird, but I somehow am less desperate for a bf now. In fact, I think I'm allowing myself to be more patient and more selective with guys.

 

And btw, W and I broke up again....ugh...it's actually for a very very bizarre reason. I can't even get into it. But basically, he thought I somehow was involved in trying to sabotage his career and reputation (and he had good reason to believe so, it's bizarre, he ran into two of my friends and stuff happened) and he was so upset that he said he doesnt think he can go to my bday anymore. And he implied he's not ok with the whole psuedo bf thing. I said thats fine and eventhough he still wanted to see me I said no I think its better we part. I told him that we're not on the same page.

 

Seems like everytime we get back together something very bizarre happens and we break up. And this time I know he's not lying cuz I confirmed what happened with my friend but it's just so weird. It's like there is something that is just pulling us apart. I took it as a sign to give it up. Indeed it turned out to be one misunderstanding. But fact that this even happened is a sign. The funny thing is that before our first date while talking to him on the phone some weird things have happeend already too and I pointed it out (I've never done this with any other guy). There were so many signs....my friend noticed it too...we talked about it and it freaked us out haha.