coffee_addict Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 hey all basically me n my bf had been going out a month an a half, in a long distance relationship. we had been set up by one of our many mutual friends, when i was home from uni. he came up to visit me for 5 days at uni, booked the tickets for the train like a week or couple of weeks after we started going out as bf/gf. when i moved home for summer, the night i got back we went out to a club, with all of our friends, i mean all (everyone tends to go to the same place every week an just meet up there) and i dont know....although i came home specially that day, and didnt tell him (as a surprise) something still felt a little off. like when i was kissing him....that 'attraction' wasnt there, that made me think 'wow this guy is so hot!' and made me want to kiss him, i just sort of.....did. i had had this feeling when kissing him before, but didnt know what it meant....i still dont! i think im like at a 'meh hes alright' stage maybe.... that night, at the end when i was going home, we had this crazy talk where basically i was like 'something doesnt feel right....i dont know what....but its something...' just rambling and making no sense at all. anyway the next day i broke up with him, an both of us felt like crap and neither of us could understand things...i was trying to explain how i felt when even i didnt know. basically it was a horrible week or so, we met up and talked face to face, but it ended up in just anger and crying. this nearly a month ago. anyhoo....basically he said he was crazy about me and all this stuff, and if i just wanted to be friends, then he wud accept that. so now we're friends, and im beginning to miss him (or am i missing having a bf? just someone, anyone, to be there for me?) - so much so that on saturday, at a friend's party, we ended up kissing and things. i have wanted a bf for years (im 19, he has been my first proper one) and when i finally get one i get all confused. basically i think we're entering into a FWB situation and im worried about the damage this will do. im dont know if i want to go out with him and i dont know if i just want to be 'just friends' forever, so FWB seems to be in the middle. im just confused about the whole situation - can anyone give any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 4, 2007 Author Share Posted July 4, 2007 41 views n no1 has said anythin? basically last night.....stuff happened. there was touching of.....things....lol.....and lots of kissing and basically not what friends should do. im really worried about whats happening. im having fun but im worried about what its all turning into - basically when we broke up, he got very very upset and i felt like id broken his heart. all our friends got involved (we have like the exact same friends) and although no1 took sides, because we didnt have a major horrible break up, i felt like in everyones eyes i had hurt him and i had done wrong. now we've broken up, but are starting to have fun, im worried that hes getting attatched to me again and if we stop having fun and are just friends, no kissing, or anything like that, then he will feel awful again. (i sound so big headed, an believe me im not, he has said hes crazy about me but i can hardly believe he likes me at all ) i dont want him to be upset again, and i dont want to hurt him. tonight when i said i might be going out he offered to walk me home - my house is maybe 45 mins in the other direction to his, making his total walk home from mine to his after hes dropped me off maybe an hour an a half, 2 hours? i feel that im messing him about. im unsure how i feel about him, but last night was really fun and i did enjoy it. but i cant expect him to walk me home - to all our friends we've broken up and im using him when i want to. they dont know that we've been kissing and things, at least not as much as we have been. i dont even know what im trying to ask - does it sound like im messing him about? can anyone help me with my feelings? ive tried thinking about it, ive tried not thinking about it, and i still dont understand. one of my friends thinks the reason why im confused is that im in love with my best friend, and its the fact that this guy cant live up to what an amazing person i think my friend is, and that basically this guy just isnt my best friend and that im holding out for my best friend liking me back. just a little extra info there.......probably not helpful this whole situation is getting me down, im depressed and its just all becoming too much :(:( Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 No more caffeine for you, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 4, 2007 Author Share Posted July 4, 2007 ok.........does anyone have any advice on the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Didn't you see my post? You need to cut back on stimulants. Your mind is running faster than a rabbit with its arse on fire. Link to post Share on other sites
fray718 Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 either get back with him as bf/gf or just be his friend....make the decision and keep with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 You do not want to go down the FWB road. You're confused and he obviously still has feelings for you, it can only end badly. You may not be meaning to, but you are seriously messing with his head by allowing this to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 yeah thats what i was worrying about....i dont want to confuse him, or send him mixed signals, or lead him on, or hurt him. last night we went further than we ever had before.....i really wish we hadnt because now its going to make being friends even harder....i think he expects that sort of stuff now, whenever we're together - kissing and things. the truth is though, i want it too - i just cant make a decision. i know i shud decide one way or the other but its just really hard :(:( Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 the truth is though, i want it too - i just cant make a decision. i know i shud decide one way or the other but its just really hard :(:( You want the fun, but you don't want him. If you wanted a relationship with him you'd be in one by now. Give him up, you're hurting him more than you realise and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 i guess so - although there must be some feelings there? surely u cant just do things with anyone, u must feel something for them, so in some way i must want him. i have tried not to hurt him, tried to establish the relationship status - last night i said that we shud have some fun, and if it led back to us getting back together then great, and he agreed with this. im not ignoring what you're saying phoebe, i do understand that FWB isnt a good way to move forward, im just trying to explain the reasoning behind it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ashbash11 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 The funny thing is, I am in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend right now, except I am on the opposite end from you: I am the one with feelings, and we've been doing the FWB thing.. Let me tell you, it's a very unhealthy situation. The person with feelings usually gets screwed in the end. You said you already know that your ex boyfriend has feelings for you, so if you care enough about this guy, stop this confusing FWB relationship with him and just move on before he gets hurt even more. Or, as someone else suggested, go ALL THE WAY and get back together as boyfriend/girlfriend. THe middle ground is very confusing. Either one or the other, no in between. I wish my ex boyfriend had just moved on and stopped torturing me for such a long time!!! hope this helps some! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 thanks ashbash we have both discussed the situation, at length, and have decided that we should just be friends, but then if things happen between us then its ok. but we dont have the intention of being sex buddies or anything like that. i went out for a meal with him tonight (not romantic or a date or anything) and he said he would be on msn, and hes not, and im missing him, i really want to talk to him.... i dont know whether those are the feelings of liking someone....missing that they arent around.... i think i do like him, and that i do have feelings for him, but this has been my first relationship, and i think im scared of the commitment and officialness and pressure of being 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. i know that sounds stupid but i havent had experience of all this before and i dont know what im doing, and im getting scared off a bit. sounds like im just making excuses, and most people will go 'what pressure?! ur only going out, ur not married!' or something like that, but maybe im just a commitment phobe....this guy says hes crazy about me and its like i dont believe my luck, that i feel that this whole situation of someone liking me so much like this just cant be right lol Link to post Share on other sites
Bella_xx Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Having been in a FWB relationship with an ex for nearly two and half years after we broke up, let me tell you... its definitely not something yo uwant to get into. It's great if both people accept it for exactly what it is, but that's very rare. People fall for the other at different times, hearts get broken, and it gets harder and harder to break out of. No matter what he says, every time you're with him like that.. he's probably hoping that it will make you see that you can be together. I found that I continued believing that my ex cared about me, because there was no way he couldn't, given how close we were. I can see now that he really didn't care about anything but the "with benefits" side. We're now really close friends, and I am happier with that than I ever was with him. I almost regret (but not totally - everything is a learning experience right?!) the years with him, because we put our friendship at risk had things got even more ugly than they were. My advice? Make a decision and stick with it. It seems like friendship is the way to go, because if you decide to stay with him, and then realise it's really not what you want, there's going to be horrible heartbreak for this guy down the road. Save him the pain now, and stick to friends. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 thanks bella well last night, one of my best friends (P) attacked me over the whole thing when i came on msn. she hardly knows the guy i went out with (W), but she kind of does. one of her very close friends ® is best friends with my guy. basically, very out of character, so much that i believe maybe it ® on (P's) account, she said i was leading (W) on by saying i dont know what i want, then being very flirty with him. Me and (W) have discussed our situation, both saying we are very happy with it, but im starting to become affected by the fact that quite a lot of my friends have the opinion that im using him and leading him on, and how im seen as the bad guy. I have been constantly worrying since last night about the fact my friends seem to have analysed everything i do or say when im with (W) and they are around, and now im completely unsure what to do. On saturday, when i was with (W), i nearly brought up the subject of us going back out. But now i see that because at the end of september i have to move back to uni, and i dont want a long distance relationship, that we will end up being friends, or maybe not even that. I like him more than i do when i broke up with him, my feelings have grown for him, but still dont match the ones he has for me. Im completely torn as i feel i should say that we have to be friends, because of what my friends have told me, but i will still be seen as the bad guy by everyone else because he will be upset about this, and even if we hang out just 'as friends' i will flirt with him (my friends have told me i flirt with him when i didnt think i was) and i will be seen as horrible, because once again ive said 'lets be friends' but will probably send out the wrong signals to him in the future or something i know we will probably end up just being friends, but i thought we were both happy how things were now, and im going to go and say 'lets just be friends' and he will be upset, and i dont want to just be friends but i feel pushed to say it because of my stupid so-called-mates :mad::mad: Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 know we will probably end up just being friends, but i thought we were both happy how things were now, and im going to go and say 'lets just be friends' and he will be upset, and i dont want to just be friends but i feel pushed to say it because of my stupid so-called-mates :mad::mad: Dont be freinds, break off compleatly, spare him, if this guy loves you friends will rip his heart out, and hell never say. Spare him the pain if you care about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 thanks funkybassplayer for your reply. im afraid breaking it off completely is out of the question, as we have the exact same friends and hang out at all the same places. Neither of us want to get into the situation of not being able to go somewhere for fear of the other one being there, and ignoring each other in the street would be absolutely heartbreaking for both of us. It just cant happen. We want to stay friends, and be civil to one another, i cant break his heart by just saying that i dont even want to be friends and i will do whatever he wants or needs to make this easier on him - i will be heartbroken too as i do like him, and its like we're both being made to just be friends when its not what either of us wants. even when i tried just being friends i apparantly flirted with him, so it seems i cant do right for doing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Your both gonna get really hurt i think but it sounds like he's the one going to suffer more. Can i say this, you will break his heart if you do stay in touch, and not the other way round. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffee_addict Posted July 9, 2007 Author Share Posted July 9, 2007 i will give him time if he needs it, to 'get over' me, if he doesnt want to contact me then thats ok. the way he is right now, the way we both are, is that we value even having a friendship with each other - we live in a smallish town and just ignoring each other forever would be completely impossible. i will try and stay out of his way if thats what he wants, but neither of us want to have to go 'yeah i want to come out, but will he/she be there? i cant handle seeing them.' i was wrong to call this thread 'broken up but considering FWB' - thats not what it is. we arent sex buddies to each other, we havent had sex at all. as far as i knew we were being friends but seeing how it went - up to the point of maybe it leading to us getting back together, but instead im being forced to make a decision right now which is probably the wrong one because im just making it because i have to and not because i have come to a conclusion myself. so thanks funkybassplayer, i really do value your opinion and response, but the situation of living in a smallish town with *exactly* the same friends is going to make ignoring each other forever horrible and heartbreaking for both of us, and will prolong everything because for years to come we will both react badly to seeing one another. Link to post Share on other sites
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