My 1.5yr gf cheated on me

[shootmyheart]

Hello everyone. I have read many stories here and pretty much the statement of once a cheater always a cheater. However my story is slightly different.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, like many others, went very well, we enjoyed ourselves, gave each other lots of love and tlc, and it felt special.

 

But after a half a year, i went through a tragic accident and she took care of me. Things started to go downhill because I could not work, and life issues began to stackup and I had developed servere depression. However she stuck with me all the way through even though I wasnt exactly treating her all that great. Honestly should could have left me because she could of easily achieve happiness with another man.

 

Another few months go by, after recovering from my injuries, I started to work hard to gain back from my losses due to not working. I wanted to get my life back on track. Lots of time spent working but not a lot of time with my girlfriend. Still she waited and waited for me to come home to her or for me to talk to her on the phone. Again I didnt really treat her all that good but my life comes first and I had to work hard to get life to a point where I can rest easy again.

 

Now as of recently, maybe a month ago I started to have more time for my girlfriend but because she is so use to me not being around, she does her normal activities and while I am free, she is busy. So with the timing off, we couldnt spend any quality time together. I call her a few times a day and each time she never answers but calls me back mostly after a hour or 2 later. Normally in the past she would answer right away so that was a sign. Then there was a weekend she went to the nightclubs and the next night went to a bar. Since I trust her I never thought of anything. Then a few days later we had a heated arguement and didnt talk to each other for a while but I know she was mostly at her moms house for the entire week, except for the weekend when she went out with friends. I eventually went back to our apartment and slept in bed and she held me and kissed me on Thursday and Friday. Saturday night i went to our apartment and decided to look at her phone and saw a text msg saying "hey baby hope u have a good night, sweet dreams". That totally shook my heart and I was in intense shock. I kept on asking her whats this and who is he, but she didnt respond. It felt like she had no emotions and didnt care about what i felt about the situation. I got a bit furious so I called the guy who text her and told him Im her bf, and when this started and he said yesterday. Now of course Im not going to believe anything he says but I wanted to note that to you guys. I left and went back to my parents home and try to decifer the entire situation. The next day I went to talk to her and finally we were able to get a discussion going. She tells me, she met the guy at a club gave him his phone # and the days that we were fighting she went out on a date with that guy to dinner and movies. She tells me it was nothing serious, and I asked her if sex was involved and she said no.

 

The thing that troubles me is that if I didnt check her phone I would probably have never known about this guy and would not know if she continues the relationship with him behind my back. Also the fact that she can be intimate with me and yet have another man as well angered me.

 

So back to our discussion. She tells me she spoke to him on the phone a few times and went on one date. Please note that this is in a span of a week and half or so. So really they could have been talking everyday and still I will not know the truth and I dont know if it really matters anyways. I told her that it was wrong of her to give her # to a guy in the club because she would be leading him on. And it was very wrong for her to date him. And to top it off behind my back.

 

Anyways, we spoke more and I realized most of this stems from me neglecting her due to work and my past depression phase. I wasnt giving her the comfort she needed and so she found it in this new guy even though supposedly its just one date.

 

Because I know that I am possibly the cause to this cheating incident, I decided to give it another chance. She tells me she loves me and he is nothing serious. She did admit she was wrong and she apologized, and I did my share of explaining about why I was neglecting her. I asked her if she regrets what she done and she said she does. I did try to tell her to call the guy or text him saying something like she is in a current relationship and that it wouldnt be right to continue with theirs, but she cried and said i forced her. she got to the point where she said she didnt want me or him. i was struggling to find some sort of closure to this and knowing that she couldnt do that for me I was feeling very skeptical if she will still continue to see him or not. I finally gave up and relaxed for a little bit and she tells me that she will call him the next day(today) and explain the situation. Right now I am waiting for her to do so, she was busy today at work so she will do it after work. Anytime soon she should be calling him, that is she keeps her word and not lie to me. Because I wouldnt know if she does call him or not, or even if she calls I wouldnt know if she tells him the truth.

 

Sorry about the long story, as you can see this has been a knife in my heart but at the same time, I do have a part in it all. This is why I am struggling to find out if I should continue the relationship or not. I do really love her and I want it to work out, but I want to see the chances that this cheating action wont happen again if I continue to do my part in the relationship. I have considered marrying her because of the way she cared for me, loved me throghout the good and bad times. But now everything changes because the trust is broken. I use to trust her 100% whatever she does but now I realized there is no way for me to know if she would be talking to other guys, going out on dates, behind my back and thats what Im afraid of.

 

So now the statement of, once a cheater always a cheater. Would this still apply to my situation

[shootmyheart]

am i thinking too much or is it wrong for my girl to lead other guys on by giving out her # at the club?

[Enema]

Definitely not cool.

 

Now that it's come this far you will forever-more have a trust issue between you.

 

Time to move on, this relationship should be thrown in the "too hard" basket.

[shootmyheart]

she been on the fone with him for 30mins, i am shaking thinking what they are conversing about. this is more than i could imagine.

[Woggle]

Dump her. You can do much better.

[vivrantflo]

Dude, you asked her to call the guy and end it with him. A simple request if she wants to stay with you. She was hesistant to do that!! And it already came out of her mouth that she didn't want EITHER of you two. And now she's been on the phone with him for a HALF HOUR?? While you're in the house??? Seriously, leave this girl. You got it right the first time. She had a full blown date behind your back. Thats nuts.. all she needed was a few more dates behind your back and she would have made the decision to leave you for him. She was shopping around before dumping you. Dump her man.. you deserve so much better than that

[amerikajin]

You may have been a bad boyfriend at times, but if that's true, then she's also been a bad partner to you too.

 

From what you're saying, it seems like things got really weird after your illness/injury. That kinda took the fun phase out of the relationship a bit earlier than maybe either one of you would have preferred, but that's life. There's no way for anyone here to know who's mostly to blame in the initial stages here. Maybe you were really depressed and took your frustration out on her - understandable that you're frustrated, naturally; but it's also understandable if she doesn't like being on the receiving end of it. So then the distance starts to grow between you two and then, gradually, you two don't know each other anymore. And at that point, there's no real sense of loyalty anymore, either.

 

Don't get me wrong: if she cheated, that was the wrong course of action. But, as you have acknowledged, the final result here is probably a failure on your part to some degree as well. By no means should you blame yourself solely or even mostly, but you should always acknowledge whatever fault lies at your doorstep, however small or great that might be.

 

At this point, I think the sad truth is, the relationship is dead. She doesn't seem to respect you anymore and those feelings that were once there are gone. Once they're gone, they're usually gone forever. In some situations, where there is a long history together and a commitment to work it out, couples can overcome these kinds of gaps. But I don't see that here, unfortunately.

[shootmyheart]

Ok she talked to him for about 45mins and i made her tell me in detail the whole conversation. First she told me a few lines in summary and that was it. I was like no, tell me in detail. So she told me a few more lines. Then I told her hey have some respect and tell me everything, i been waiting the whole day for this. She told me the whole story and it did seem believable. But I didnt like how I have to keep on telling her i want to hear everything.

 

I dont understand why it seems like I have to coach her how to help me. I keep telling her I need closure, closure with this thing they have and possibly letting me heal and go on.

 

I expect a woman to see my pain and help console me, or be more apologetic. But instead she cries and dont say anything. She tells me she dont want to say the wrong thing or anger me.

 

Thanks for the comment guys, I think I know what Im facing. And I will take some to relax and get my mind off this for a period of time.

[love necessity]

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now, and I can't even bare the thought of going out with another man behind my boyfriends' back. I don't care what the circumstances are. I would never do that, and I sure wouldn't see myself being mobile for any other man either, because I am love my boyfriend, and couldn't see him hurt in any way.

 

Now, you say you and your girlfriend have been together for 1.5 years, that's a long time, if you guys were actually communicating on daily basis and doing things over the course of that time. However, you said you got into an accident and that you were going through depression over some of that time.

If you look at it from my perspective, it seems like she walked into the relationship and then this happened, and then decided to stay around for it. That's a lot of baggage for someone to except, don't you think? She must have really cared about you.

 

I didn't like the fact that you said that you basically ignored her and went on about your business after you got well. She helped you out of the whole, don't you think you owe her some slack? She didn't leave you when times got rough, she stuck in there. Yet, all you can say is that you needed to get your life back on track. That's fine and dandy, but if it wasn't for her, you may still be in the same state you were.

 

I think you owe her the apology. Yeah, she went out on you, but I think she deserved to go out. Like you said, you weren't there for her when you got better. You probably made her feel like complete crap too. So, no, I don't think she is wrong for doing what she did. But, I think that you need to start trying a little harder buddy. The past year of your relationship, from what you say seems like hell, so I think you guys need to plan a vacation getaway somewhere to talk about the relationship. You should really have no reason to distrust her if you guys talk. Because that's what a real relationship is based on "communication". So talk it out, things should work out, and if they don't, then find someone else. There's not much else you can do.

[shakenandstirred]

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now, and I can't even bare the thought of going out with another man behind my boyfriends' back. I don't care what the circumstances are. I would never do that, and I sure wouldn't see myself being mobile for any other man either, because I am love my boyfriend, and couldn't see him hurt in any way.

 

Now, you say you and your girlfriend have been together for 1.5 years, that's a long time, if you guys were actually communicating on daily basis and doing things over the course of that time. However, you said you got into an accident and that you were going through depression over some of that time.

If you look at it from my perspective, it seems like she walked into the relationship and then this happened, and then decided to stay around for it. That's a lot of baggage for someone to except, don't you think? She must have really cared about you.

 

I didn't like the fact that you said that you basically ignored her and went on about your business after you got well. She helped you out of the whole, don't you think you owe her some slack? She didn't leave you when times got rough, she stuck in there. Yet, all you can say is that you needed to get your life back on track. That's fine and dandy, but if it wasn't for her, you may still be in the same state you were.

 

I think you owe her the apology. Yeah, she went out on you, but I think she deserved to go out. Like you said, you weren't there for her when you got better. You probably made her feel like complete crap too. So, no, I don't think she is wrong for doing what she did. But, I think that you need to start trying a little harder buddy. The past year of your relationship, from what you say seems like hell, so I think you guys need to plan a vacation getaway somewhere to talk about the relationship. You should really have no reason to distrust her if you guys talk. Because that's what a real relationship is based on "communication". So talk it out, things should work out, and if they don't, then find someone else. There's not much else you can do.

 

While it is true that he should not have neglected her, she should have at least the respect to communicate that she wants to go out with some one else. Not do it behind his back. She is just as wrong as he is and if "she deserved to go out" it should have been communicated that she wished to do so. I read your post and you do sound a bit scorned and you are being quite harsh to this gentleman. Two wrongs don't make a right so I think you are being biased to the feelings of the young lady without taking the consideration of this gentleman's feelings. However, I do agree that he should have not have just thrown her away like a used tissue after he got better. Her feelings are important too and she did sacrifice a lot in taking care of him. It is not feasible though to go behind's someones back to betray trust. Let's put this in perspective. If your boyfriend went on a date with a young lady without your knowledge, and you treated him like crap, would you want this kind of discomfort on you? I wouldn't think so. Speaking for myself, I know I wouldn't like it. That's just me though.

 

Sorry, I'm not trying to hi jack this thread.

[Cobra_X30]

LoveNecessity,

 

I don't really understand where your coming from on this. Your attitude is; "my BF wasnt nice to me today, so that means I can go date other men". Thats about as fair as a judge handing out life sentences for speeding.

[shootmyheart]

Thanks for the support, I do appreciate a female insight but I wanted to note that I have been apologetic, and I did want to make things right. During our one on one talk, we both admited our faults and understand each others concern. It is true that we dont communicate our true feelings all the time, because we are worried how it will effect each other, but now we see that this lead to a big problem.

 

I feel better today, and will probably go out with her to watch fireworks tonight. I want to see what will happen next. Perhaps I see it now like either way if I continue to see her, or not see her the pain from being cheated on will still be there. So I feel like there is nothing more I can lose at this point so maybe I will try to continue seeing her and see if it can truely work.

 

Because the trust is broken, I asked her how can she help me to trust her again, and she was like "maybe ill tell u where i go who i go with, and be more careful from now on". While i appreciate her for saying she would do that, I know eventually that will annoy the crap out of her, and thus the relationship will end. I dont really need to know all that stuff anyways, but really what can she do to help me regain trust without having to report to me for everything she does? Although her story from yesterday sounded believable, how do I know for sure? Blah i will never know but I can pretend she did so and try to move on. I love her, and really want to show her that I can be the lover she needs and want, maybe once she notice the changes in the positive direction after this, she wont have to cheat again. What do you all think?

[jackmerridew]

Thanks for the support, I do appreciate a female insight but I wanted to note that I have been apologetic, and I did want to make things right. During our one on one talk, we both admited our faults and understand each others concern. It is true that we dont communicate our true feelings all the time, because we are worried how it will effect each other, but now we see that this lead to a big problem.

 

I feel better today, and will probably go out with her to watch fireworks tonight. I want to see what will happen next. Perhaps I see it now like either way if I continue to see her, or not see her the pain from being cheated on will still be there. So I feel like there is nothing more I can lose at this point so maybe I will try to continue seeing her and see if it can truely work.

 

Because the trust is broken, I asked her how can she help me to trust her again, and she was like "maybe ill tell u where i go who i go with, and be more careful from now on". While i appreciate her for saying she would do that, I know eventually that will annoy the crap out of her, and thus the relationship will end. I dont really need to know all that stuff anyways, but really what can she do to help me regain trust without having to report to me for everything she does? Although her story from yesterday sounded believable, how do I know for sure? Blah i will never know but I can pretend she did so and try to move on. I love her, and really want to show her that I can be the lover she needs and want, maybe once she notice the changes in the positive direction after this, she wont have to cheat again. What do you all think?

 

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I had neglected my girlfriend sexually for the past several months, and when she went on a six-week internship out of state, she made out with this guy twice.

 

I asked her about it and she told me, and I told her I couldn't be more hurt if she just told me she slept with him, and she swore that it was only kissing. I still have my doubts, but I'm forging ahead anyway.

 

So now she's going on another trip, and she wants to know what she can do for me to trust her again, because I sure as hell don't trust her right now. At the same time, we both agree we need more time apart for the time being. So I'm interested in reading the responses, because I'm in a very similar situation. I want to know how she can help me build trust for her again, without me having to nag her over and over again.

[bish]

Because I know that I am possibly the cause to this cheating incident, I decided to give it another chance.

 

Hell no. You are NOT the cause. You had an accident. It wasn't like you were neglecting her because you had better things to do. You were in an accident for god's sake.

 

I know you aren't married, but what the hell ever happened to "in sickness and in health"

 

Here you are not able to work and are having a hard time recovering from an accident and she cheats on you?

 

Sorry about the long story, as you can see this has been a knife in my heart but at the same time, I do have a part in it all. This is why I am struggling to find out if I should continue the relationship or not.

 

She did not stand by you. I mean, you had an accident. What is she going to do if you two really have a relationship problem?

 

Its a tough call, but since she didn't stand by you faithfully during a hard time, I'd say she is doubly selfish and I wouldn't continue with someone like that.

 

 

So now the statement of, once a cheater always a cheater. Would this still apply to my situation

 

If she cheated during a hard time for you where you needed physical recovery, then she doesn't need much of an excuse if, for example, say you two had a big fight about something.

 

I'd say with her, yes, she would cheat again.

[bish]

am i thinking too much or is it wrong for my girl to lead other guys on by giving out her # at the club?

 

Yes. She has no business giving her # out to guys at a club, much less even being around them in a club, much less giving out her # to a guy period.

[Cobra_X30]

Look, that trust never comes back 100%. There are always going to be times in your life that are tough where you have to put in some extra hours at work, or need to go out of town... ect. Do you want to forever be worried about what your girl is doing and with who?

 

I say play by the same rules she does. Time for you to start dating other people.

[shootmyheart]

Im wondering when I talk to her about her cheating incident, or just stuff about working out our relationship, I talk to her in a way like Im critizing her a lot. She tells me once I start talking, she freezes up and dont know what to say or what to do, and she says she cant "breathe". Because I was the victim I dont know exactly how she feels, so maybe this is why I feel so lonely dealing with this cheating situation because she cant seem to talk to me about it. Or perhaps nothing she can say wont help me at all and I am pushing her to say something to help me heal wont work? I made her cry the other night for hours, and it got to a point where I wanted to leave and forget her. But thats when she started explaining why she couldnt talk to me, and I realized maybe I have been very rough on her and maybe I should keep that in mind and not lose it so quickly.

[norajane]

But after a half a year, i went through a tragic accident and she took care of me. Things started to go downhill because I could not work, and life issues began to stackup and I had developed servere depression. However she stuck with me all the way through even though I wasnt exactly treating her all that great. Honestly should could have left me because she could of easily achieve happiness with another man.

 

Another few months go by, after recovering from my injuries, I started to work hard to gain back from my losses due to not working. I wanted to get my life back on track. Lots of time spent working but not a lot of time with my girlfriend. Still she waited and waited for me to come home to her or for me to talk to her on the phone. Again I didnt really treat her all that good but my life comes first and I had to work hard to get life to a point where I can rest easy again.

Well, I don't see why you couldn't talk to her on the phone and treat her better when she had been there for you throughout your injury and recovery period. No matter how much you're working, you eventually do make your way home and can call from the car, or once you get home, or just before bed to let her know you're thinking about her. If you had your accident 6 months into the relationship, let's give you 6 months to heal. Now it's 6 months later, so you've basically been treating her like crap for at least the last 6 months, if not longer. Doesn't sound like you appreciated what she did for you. So I'm not surprised she jumped when someone showed her some attention.

 

That doesn't make it right that she went out with that guy, but it seems that you didn't much care about her - that's certainly how any normal woman would see it. So if you don't care, then why would you care that she went out on a date?

 

Ah, but NOW you do care.

 

Look, I know this hurt you, but you have to accept that you hurt her too. Not in the same way, but months and months of neglect can hurt just as much as you finding out she had a date with another guy.

 

So, if you want this relationship to continue, stop beating her up about it, and you two come to an agreement that you will forgive her indiscretion if she can forgive your neglect. And then you begin the process of rebuilding the romance between you.

 

If you can't do that, then you might as well end things now rather than dragging things out.

[Cobra_X30]

Hmmm.... Usually I agree with NoraJane, but it seems more like she is trying to blame you for her bad actions. Look there are always going to be times when you cant be there 100% for her. In her mind that gives her the right to cheat on you.

 

She gave you a gift when she stayed with you in the hard times. You focused on yourself too much afterward. Just take the time she gave you as the gift it was and let her go. You cant trust her anymore, and she wants someone that will always be there.

[norajane]

I'm not blaming him. But I am looking at what's really important to him here...being right, or being together?

 

- They were together for 6 months when he had his accident

- Then followed a few months of recovery when she was totally there for him

-Then he recovered and started working, but - admittedly - he treated her badly...he doesn't say for how long, but I'm guessing this has been going on for at least 6 months and probably longer.

- After being treated badly for long after his recovery, she goes on a date

 

These two aren't married. They had 6 months of a relationship, and from then on, it wasn't much of being together. I'm sorry, but if a guy I nursed back to health treated me like crap for another 6, 8, 9 months...well, they have much bigger problems than her going out on a date. I don't see that they have much of a relationship to even consider themselves "together" in the first place, although they hadn't broken up yet.

[Cobra_X30]

Well it seemed from his first post that once he recover "physically" he was still trying to recover emotionally and financially. The time he spent fixing himself came at a direct cost to her and the relationship. I agree that he hurt her bad enough she decided to start looking elsewhere. However, she did not approach this in a fair and honest manner.

 

Since they have both cause signifigant irreversible damage to the relationship, perhaps parting ways would be best.

 

Just my thoughts.