angelj Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 as with most of you - confusion over the fwb thing has invaded my poor mind. and its the last stress i need at the moment. in an earlier post, i briefly spoke of a best friend/ex-lover/ex-bf/fwb. well hell, i dont even know what to call him. our past has a LOT of ups and downs. best friends, his feelings strong, me breaking his heart, best friends again...mixed feelings, confusion, etc etc. periods of not talking, periods of a new boyfriend/girlfriend for both, and long talks of what do we do about each other because we cant ever seem to move on...ive been told no matter what happens, i'm always somehow in the back of his mind. i agree. ive said no matter what i do and everytime i try to move on he comes creeping back in. he agreed. in the past 3 months, we have both been single. and the fwb thing has flared up more than ever. we hang out like best friends...we talk on a consistent basis...we get jealous, yet both feel awkward and are terrrrrrrrrrible communicators (as its been for the past 9 years...) and esp after a couple drinks, fwb is in full motion. i was told to live with him if i needed too (in the process of looking for a new house) and invited on an overseas trip to visit his family in 4 months. are we best friends with a little familiar booty involved? we have such a bumpy past...in the past 8 months we have had major ups and downs. my intense feelings..his intense feelings...periods of not talking...periods of talking daily...we didn't speak for a few weeks recently...then we get together saturday, i had a few drinks which makes me very comfortable, we hook up and i spend the night and wake up in his arms. he invites me over tonight and we watch some movies...hug goodbye. platonic? the last serious chat we had was in march. he was ending a relationship and the ex was moving out. i said i didn't know what to do about him anymore because i wanted him in my life. he said the same and gave me the "i want to see us work out in the right time. i know we could, but its just not the right time...you wont win this battle but you will win the war" cmon, in my head thats the phrase that is given when one wants something but not everything. like a sorta gf...without everything else. where i have faulted...ive let this fwb thing develop without one complaint. ive been the cautious one...givin a little...kinda hangin out in the background. letting him live his life and see whats up. its at a point where i just cant do it anymore. thinkin its about time to see where his heads at. what do yall think? put it out there in a casual manner? not knowing is causing slight insanity Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Well you guys are addicted to eachother... When you break you need to really break otherwise you are still both in eachothers thoughts , actions and minds. Unless you can do the total break ........expect that you will continue to sleep with eachother until he finds a girl he can *settle* with and you will be cast to the curb....( That might be the harsh reality ) FWB does not really exist. You aren't * friends * you are f~buddys...When he needs sex you guys hang out and have sex. Then he is free to go out on dates or meet other girls. ( Correct me if I am wrong about this part ) What do you want out of this ? You want him back full force lovey dovey ? I don't think thats really possible as you both don't communicate with each other very well. You have broken up and have to figure out the reason WHY ? What would you really want from this buddyship ??....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 ah see...i wish it were that simple. yes i do think we are addicted to each other. it is hard for me to imagine my life without him. and if we were just f-buddies, i wouldn't be up contemplating the next step on loveshack.org. we don't just hang out to have sex. in fact, when we hang out or chat, it is about everything that is going on in our lives. from the good to the bad. we have a very deep bond and a very deep trust in each other. we confide in each other on a regular basis. we have an understanding that has been previously discussed...the "i would do anything for you if you ever needed it.." where the friends has gotten blurred is in the past. sober or drunk...the hooking up, and not necessarily sex each time. we had sex a few weeks ago. we hung out multiple times before this. simple movies, dinners, etc. we keep things as simple as possible...until one of us breaks and forces "the talk" on the other. saturday was the first time we had seen each other in about 3.5 weeks. there was a lot of excitement and chemistry (as always) that was exchanged that evening and we did eventually mess around...this was after many long talks about life in general (nothing about the two of us) and woke up in each other's arms. this evening, we simply enjoyed each others' company with tv, a movie and some good conversation. no serious cuddling or funny business. this is why im confused and wondering how to approach this next step. in my mind, i feel the only option is to say, "is this something that happens bc we are lonely...or drunk and its familiar?" bc if it has turned into that, it simply must stop. friends is FINE. but friends dont share intimacy, cuddle, kiss, show jealously, etc etc etc. and when we were somewhat exclusive...it was 4 years ago and ended quickly because i panicked and shut him out. as i said, its been a bumpy road. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Your very words : I want him in my life . You want him there and you will do what many women do who's relationship ends and they can't let go : you sleep with him and wait until he * comes around again * to what you want. You have all the components of a loving friendship but do you HAVE him 100% faithfully yours ? Link to post Share on other sites
JulieJ Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 It seems like you guys are kind of leaning on each other in the absence of other romantic relationships. For instance, if one of you had another significant other, would you still be doing the fwb thing? It almost seems like you could both be using each other as a "filler," even though I'm sure your feelings are totally real and honest. I think you should talk to him about it, and if you don't want to be together than you should both agree not to lean on each other or do fwb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 julie, i agree with you with the leaning on each other idea...almost like we are each other's crutches. and we do have all the components of an excellent friendship, except the hooking up part. which is quite easy, once you have a past with someone, the hooking up falls right into place. my next idea was to confront the situation, as obviously it is bothering me. and as i said before, i am ok with friendship...but thats where it must end. and we must try to engage in other relationships, and not default back to each other. i guess thinking i could just act cautiously and wait and see what happens is not the answer. if i dont bring it up, why should he? and what a perfect situation..a best friend, a fun person to hang out with, and an occasional booty call/cuddler...with no real strings attached? who wouldn't want that relationship?! i think its time for me to end that part of it NOW - any thoughts on how? i don't exactly think its possible for me to do this **** in person because im a total coward Link to post Share on other sites
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