sweetgirl Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Hullo all, I have been coming here to read all your postings now for some time, and I think many of you are soooo brave and all for doing so. Now I need some help, so as I dont have that many friends in this new city of mine, I thought I would come to you guys for help. I hope you can, help me that is.... Well, the story is this. At the end of last year I ended a relationship (or what I thought was a relationship - apparently on his side it was just a casual thing that went on for most of the year!!!!). I was devestated. My family thought I was suicidal so they all took turns in coming over and "babysitting" me.... I wasnt, and never have been suicidal - life is too precious just to through it away over a guy and all.... Anyway, I decided to get on with my life, and joined a online dating service. This was a great way of meeting heaps of guys (and some of them were very nice too). And I did meet a really nice guy. Coincidentally this guy also happened to know the guy that I broke up from, but that doesnt really factor in this at all at the moment. We went out, we clicked, and after a while I trusted him enough to let my guard down a little and well, things physical kinda happened (which was really nice too). However, he has had some bad things happen to him, and he doesnt really want to move what we have into a committed relationship. He is fine with hanging out with me and all....but he is quite happy being single to. Now my problem is that given that many of my past relationships have been on a casual basis, I kinda know how the score (and by this I mean how they treat me when doing the casual thing - which is being really affectionate up until the point they have got what they want, then go cold and leave, not wanting to have anything to do with me until they want something yadda yadda yadda). Now this guy doesnt treat me like that at all. We communicate everyday all the time (my phone bill has blown out to over $300 per month because of this), I am always over at his place or vice versa, he has given me keys to his place to look after it for him while he is away, he cooks me dinner, he treats me like a princess. On valentines day he wrote me a poem, admittedly it compared to a fine cup of coffee and used the words "friendship" rather than love, but it was still a great poem, plus he loved the stuffed wombat/mouse that I got him (long story there). He is forever talking about the future, ie helping me to do my car up to sell in the future, and going to visit my folks for my brothers birthday in a couple of months time. I have to go visit another city next month and am nervous about driving, but I have to go due to it being a family affair - and he offered to drive me there even though he cant actually come to the party..... a trip of four hours drive each way. So you see, he doesnt act like anything I have ever experienced when it comes to a "casual" thing..... Do you think that he is fooling himself when he talks about this, or does he mean it. I have a feeling he might be influenced bye the fact that he is in the navy and is currently studying for a degree at the defence acadamy university and will only be here for another 2 years before being posted somewhere else. I have a feeling that I may be falling in love with this guy, and I dont know whether I should stay or go. I hope you can help me Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 It's so bizarre how people want us here on the Internet to give advice on such crucial life decisions for them when we aren't even in the situation. Only YOU can make the decision as to whether you want to take such a gamble and remain with this man. YOU are around him and YOU know him a lot better than we do. It sounds like he really likes you a great deal and he treats you extremely well. Whether or not he falls in love with you by the time he leaves for other duty stations is anybody's guess. And even if he falls in love, will that be sufficient in his eyes to marry you and take you with him? You're asking the wrong people. I think you know him well enough now that you should sit down and ask him exactly what direction this is going in. You have a right to know. Let him know you are very fond of him but that you also understand he will be leaving in a couple of years. It's likely he has no idea himself at this point but you should still try to see just what he has to say. Only HE can answer the questions you pose here. I think it would be wonderful if every person in the world knew where there romance was going...but it just doesn't happen that way. I'd say given everything you have written, things between the two of you are going very well. But if you want a guarantee of any kind in any relationship you may be in, you are perhaps on the wrong planet. But at least talking to him, you could get a general idea of his mindset and intentions. And no matter what he says, you can't count on it. Trust me...people's feelings change. If he tells you nothing will come of things, he could fall madly in love with you two months from now and not be able to live without you. On the other hand, if he tells you things are headed for the alter, three months from now they could be in the gutter. Hey, even people who leave this earth have no guarantees. Their space ship blows up over Texas and their bodyparts spill over ten states. If you want guarantees, go buy something at Sears...and even then.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 he sounds like he cares about you -- a LOT -- but is not rushing into commitment. Why? Maybe it's the military thing, maybe he's actually concerned about being a gentleman with you, or something along those lines, but the only way to find out is to ask him. Personally, I think you've got a pretty solid thing here, you just need to talk to him about the direction y'all are going. BTW, there's no real need for large phone bills -- many stores sell prepaid calling cards, and they offer a pretty good deal. The one I get (and recharge when it runs out) is a 600 minute one from AT&T, which averages about 4 cents a minute. Since my family and my husband's family are spread out, it really helps cutting back on that particular expense. Link to post Share on other sites
purple_moon978 Posted February 21, 2003 Share Posted February 21, 2003 Finally, someone else that's going through the same thing as I am. I've been looking for what to do about my situation also. I know what the Navy is all about too. It's hard for him. I was in the Navy for 6 years. Friendships and romantic relationships are tough and you never know what's going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
bhug82 Posted February 23, 2003 Share Posted February 23, 2003 You maybe a winner! You need to have a little talk with him sooner the better. Don't hesitate if you must know. If you two jel and are able to communicate easily, go ahead and talk easily. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetgirl Posted February 24, 2003 Share Posted February 24, 2003 We has a sort of round about talk last night, which while did not actually clear anything up for me, made me more aware as to where he is at and what he may be thinking..... in his last two relationships (the last one finished pretty badly, hence his reticence) both of the girls had a BIG problem with him going away to sea. Now I can see where they are coming from, wanting to have him there with them every night and all that, but as I said to him, surely they were aware of the fact that due to the nature of his job he has to be away etc....so it apparently got to the point where he had his life at home and his life at sea, and never the twain did meet. Now he is like "so happy not having to worry about that anymore and that the best way to be in the navy is to never be in a full on committed relationship" (the old girl in every port adage) which just only makes his behaviour all the more confusing He also just entered a bet with his brother in law, which he is determined to win, which is that the brother in law thinks that my guy will be married and expecting his first within the next five years....something which he adamantly says no way - which kinda made me think "oh great - this is obviously going to be another wasted relationship....." I know I should talk to him, but am a little scared to do so...... Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 25, 2003 Share Posted February 25, 2003 I don't think he's fooling himself. I think you're fooling yourself. Your friend said so much to you lastnight that I'm sure you were listening to, but you just didn't want to hear. He told you how he felt about committed relationships and the Navy and how he feels they don't work, and he's told you that he's not looking forward to marriage within the next 5 years. It seems like your friend wants a relationship without commitment. Though he treats you fine and may be the sweetest guy, some things should not be compromised. It's like saying "he treats me like a queen. There's just one thing. He's married to someone else". He maybe sweet and all, but if he's not willing to commit, and you are, none of that good stuff is going to make a difference. The worst thing you could do is sit around and wait for him to change his mind. You don't know how long that will be if it ever will be. Just alittle advice: according to the human sexuality study I'm taking, it's good to have these heart to heart and "what are your intentions" talks before become physical and deeply emotional with someone. You could prevent unnecessary heartache that way. So I think it's time the both of you have that talk. Link to post Share on other sites
homeport Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 I was in your situation several years ago. Not exactly the same but similar. My guy goes to sea for a living... it's his PERMANENT career choice. I can explain why I love it but you and I are two different people and we may want very different things. I was a divorced mom raising 2 young children from a previous marriage. I did not want more children or another man telling me how to raise the ones I had. My life was very busy and I worked because I had to support our family of 3. I was happy and in control of my life for the first time in since my 1st marriage. I loved being with my dear, sweet, supportive seaman but I was also happy to have my space after he left port! Extra time for just me. We e-mailed our thoughts and dreams, everyday life, etc. You can become very intimate sharing things in writing. it frees you say things too scarey in person. When he did come home it was an event! But when it was time for him to go I also got kind of excited. I looked forward to seeing my girlfriends again, picking up my hobbies, focusing my energy on work (I worked on commission). I can honestly say that separations can be good for you both. I became a very strong, independent woman and my sons grew up to be very proud of their mom. I can tell you that the outcome of your situation will have everything to do with you and your personal circumstances and wants/desires. I don't know if you want to have children right away but I know many women who are doing it just fine without a full time dad around. If he is as wonderful as you say and you have mutual trust and an independent spirit, it is a very good life. The best of both worlds! Link to post Share on other sites
homeport Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 oh yeah, I wouldn't take the brother banter too seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
homeport Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Just read my post and it sounds as if my seaman and I are not together anymore. We are... in fact, he is at sea now. Yesterday I received a dozen red roses and found valentine cookies in my dresser drawer. See what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
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