marriage seperation - Not sure if he wants me back

[rawride2008]

Hello,

 

me and my husband split up 4 weeks ago because i thought he was seeing someone else due to texts that been going on and off from female work colleges for 6 months. a week after the split i asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said yes but only since we split. he is adiment that he wants to stay friends and keeps saying he is happy at the mo with his new girlfriend but "who knows what the future holds". when he comes to see kids he wants me there and he stays at mine too. he lies to his girlfriend about me being there and the other night we slept together, after we had a cup of tea, chatted and he left an hour after. he left in a little bit of a hurry but did say ill see you friday, (NOT ill see the kids friday). we have had no contct since as neither of us have called, what does this mean. he looks confused and unhappy and he said 2 months back that he was going through a mid life crisis. i dont know what he wants, i ask him but he wont give me straight answers. is there any sign in this message that he may come back.

 

please help me...............

 

I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and offer your advice, -xxx-

[Melovator]

Hello,

 

me and my husband split up 4 weeks ago because i thought he was seeing someone else due to texts that been going on and off from female work colleges for 6 months. a week after the split i asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said yes but only since we split. he is adiment that he wants to stay friends and keeps saying he is happy at the mo with his new girlfriend but "who knows what the future holds". when he comes to see kids he wants me there and he stays at mine too. he lies to his girlfriend about me being there and the other night we slept together, after we had a cup of tea, chatted and he left an hour after. he left in a little bit of a hurry but did say ill see you friday, (NOT ill see the kids friday). we have had no contct since as neither of us have called, what does this mean. he looks confused and unhappy and he said 2 months back that he was going through a mid life crisis. i dont know what he wants, i ask him but he wont give me straight answers. is there any sign in this message that he may come back.

 

please help me...............

 

I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and offer your advice, -xxx-

 

Dear rawhide,

Start reading past threads on LS, its amazing how many people do exactly what your H is doing. I really feel for you, but I have to honestly say that I wouldn't take any signs from that message. My ex still calls me babe and darling and makes references to 'we' meaning him and I and this is all after he told me that he hadn't actually loved me for years before I bore his child but 'didn't want to hurt me'.

What are his actions saying? Not his words, his actions. Human beings lie all the time with words but its much harder to lie with your actions.

There are great people here with great ideas, you can learn from them, I know I have.

[rawride2008]

hi, thank you for reply, what does ls mean?? x

[rawride2008]

The reason i am confused about if my ex husband wants me back is down to one thing he said to me a couple of weeks ago. the conversation went like this:

 

Him: I care for you deeply but i cant be with you now. who knows what the future holds, the best thing is to be friends and build that first.

 

Me: when you say now do you mean now at this point in time, i know you care but do you love me?

 

Him: I dont know

 

Me; Do you want a divorce?

 

Him: I dont know

 

Me: So start by being friends at the beginning and whats the end? unknown or intention?

 

Him: Unknown

 

Me: That means unknown as there is intention but just not yet or dont you like to say

 

Him: I dont know.

 

so i am confused as he never gives me a straight answer, i dont know if it me reading too much into it and looking for something that isnt there or that he really is trying to leave the door open so he can come back??? he tells me "i dont know" alot. and i dont know how to understand this conversation..

 

as many replies as possible would be a very enormous help as i am so lost and just need someone to talk to.

 

thank you so much -x-

[Ladyjane14]

I can't tell you what to do... I can only tell you what I would do.

.... and I ain't NOBODY's "sidedish".

 

Nobody else is going to decide the course of my life. I'm not waiting around for some guy to mull it over and decide if he loves me or not. If he's not sure, then in my book he doesn't love me enough. So... if my husband couldn't PROVE he wanted to be with me, I'd make the decision FOR his silly-ass.

 

Try Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting. Your WH (Wayward Husband) sounds like he's just a little too sure that you're going to be waiting around on tenterhooks. Maybe a little dose of 180's will disabuse him of that notion.

 

Here's a clip:

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

 

p.s. LS = Loveshack

[sumdude]

I agree with LadyJane... There's no weay to know what he is thinking. He could be trying to 'let you down easy' ... he could be experimenting out there and keeping you in the wings as a just in case. He's probably trying to ease his guilt .. who knows. Maybe he thinks he needs to 'find himself' ..

 

My soon to be ex wife said very similar things early on in the separation. Wasn't much longer before she wanted a divorce.

 

You need to assume that it's over ... follow the advice in LadyJane's post. Know that you'll be fine whatever happens. Prepare for the worst. If by some stroke he has some awakening then it would be a pleasant surprise. But don't expect it... If he does he'll need to earn his way back.

 

That's the best I can tell you.

[rawride2008]

I was confused to if i was looking for something that wasnt there (wishful thinking) or if he was havin intentions, some people have told me that i am reading too much into it so i thought ok, ill move on. s0omtoday i had a good day as i was getting on with my life and low and behold..... he text me again. this time im convinced he is implying something... the day went like this....

 

he text me 4 times and without reading the messages i just deleted them. he called that evening about 20 time in he space of an hour from his mobile and work phone, i didnt answer. he text a further 4 more times and i deleted them before reading them. in the end i had no choice but to answer the texts and he had used the kids as a way of getting to talk to me. i said he can see kids when he wanted just let me know. i was polite but straight to the point. anyway a series of texts came through from him saying:

 

"why are you not answering the phone to me"

 

"when your done call me from house phone"

 

"if you dont wanna talk fine, just forget about it"

 

"And stupid me was going to see if you wanted to spend some time together tomorrow"

 

this last message indicates to me that he has intention!!! is it so or am i missing something. last sunday we slept together maybe he want to come back for sex, i just dont understand what is what....... help....

[Ladyjane14]

He probably wants to see if you're still waiting around. A guy who's cheating like that is getting his ENs (emotional needs) met by TWO women. He still comes to you for conversation, continuity of family, occasional sex, and things like that.

 

Me?... I wouldn't be available to a guy who'd walked out on me and his kids. If my husband was cheating on me, ditched me, and then wanted to "be friends"... he could 'kiss my fat ass'. It's not happening.

I can find better friends, ones who don't treat me bad.

 

If you type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders", you'll find an article which explains it better. But the essence is this... there comes a point at which it behooves you to withhold ENs from a cheating mate.

[Ladyjane14]

Here's another poster's thread where her WH was using the "let's be friends" gambit:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=112094&highlight=stubbornbutnice

[rawride2008]

i spoke to my ex husband for the first time since we slepted together (1 week ago) and because i said he could sty at house on monday to see kids he has taken it to the next level. i said that i was ok with him staying as nothing would happen and he said

 

HIM: "you may think that something might not happen but i dont"

 

ME: "What, do you think something might happen"

 

HIM: "you have to answer that for yourself"

 

so i phoned him and asked him what he ment and he said about what happened last week. i said it was only good bye sex and it ment nothing and that it wouldnt happen again. he sounded shocked and surprised as he said that the sex that time felt different. he didnt agree. he said that if hed known that then he would of made it last longer.

 

after that i got a series of texts from him saying:

 

"so no, no-strings sex then??"

 

"so you going to text me later"

 

i rang him and told him i had no credit but if i got some later then i would text him.

 

i dont know if i should text him or just forget about it. if there is a chance of getting back together i wanna take it but if it is only cause he thinks he can have me whenever he wants and then leave again, i would rather just walk away now.

 

do i text him tonight or not?

 

is sleeping with him now a way of rebuilding our marriage, ie; a way of getting to know each other again before we commit again??

 

he has a girlfriend now, who obviously dont know whats going on, (NOT THAT I CARE ABOUT HER) what do i do!!!

 

ive got till midnight tonight to decide, as i am suppose to text him then, please help..........

[Ladyjane14]

Are you willing to be this guy's f*ck-buddy?

Because if you're not, you need to make sure he understands that YOU are nobody's side-dish.

 

People will treat you how you let them, honey. If you demand respect, they've either got to GIVE you respect or not interact with you at all.

 

It's up to you what kind of treatment you'll tolerate, but for me, the old Dr. Phil-ism applies... "I'd rather be healthy alone, than sick with someone else".

[Kislette]

He's being inconsiderate of you. If you don't want to text him he shouldn't try to make you feel guilty about it. You need to set limits with him and demand that he stick to them. If he refuses to do so, you need to be concerned about his lack of respect for your feelings. Don't let him manipulate you based on your desire for reconciliation. Before you worry about whether or not he wants you back you need to take a hard look at whether or not you should even want to take him back.

[GripperGuy]

Sounds like he has one foot out the door already, and has made his decision, but is too afraid of hurting your feelings and disrupting family life for the kids to tell you outright that its over. The "i don't know's" are just a way of avoiding the truth.

 

I mean, he's already sleeping with someone else.

[rawride2008]

[sIZE=5]I haven’t wrote for a while, that is because there has been major developments in this situation.

Me and my husband have come to the agreement that we will carry on with our own lives, (seeing other people and going out) while rebuilding our friendship and see what happens in the future. For the last two weeks we have been spending a lot of time together and sleeping together.

I don’t mind him having a girlfriend as it kinds of takes the pressure off of me. I currently am not seeing anyone and not very interested at the mo to be honest as am bringing up two kids who keep me more than busy. The strange thing is his attitude has changed, he said he wants to be with me, he loves me so much, he doesn’t want me to see anyone cause he couldn’t handle it and therefore will leave his girlfriend ASAP if I chose to see anyone.

I said I love him too but not to leave his girlfriend, (bcause I would see it as us falling into that trap too soon and we would fail to rebuild our marriage.) When we broke up he took it harder than me as he has developed a drinking problem. He goes out every night drinking in the pub and spends a lot of money. He drinks so much when he goes out that he ends up shaking.

He confined in me the other day and said he is unhappy in the fact that his drinking is getting too much, he spends time at his girlfriends as he has nothing else to do. I am trying to help him regarding his drinking problem and support him but don’t know where to start, NEED ADVICE!!!

The only other thing is……

I do love him and do want to be with him but am worried about falling back into the trap of it all getting routine again and boring and the arguments starting and this happening all over again…. And the reason I say this is because at the moment I am starting to feel sad. When I got over the initial break up I was doing ok, I felt happy, driven, enthusiastic and inspired, at the mo I feel unhappy….. WHY!!!

Please somebody give me an insight to why I might be feeling this way. I have control of this relationship but still feel sad…

My question is this: IF I HAVE GOT WHAT I WANT (HIM BACK), THEN WHY DO I FEEL SAD AND CONFUSED????

Please help… -xxx-

[/sIZE]

[sumdude]

He has to deal with the drinking ... you can't. In fact you may be in the position of enabling him... giving him a 'safe place' right now.

 

You have to put your foot down. NO booze , NO GF or NO me! You've put youself in a strange position at least from where I'm sitting allowing him to have both of you. What do you think that will accomplish? Do you realise you might be putting yourself at risk? FWIW if he's drinking that much, could he be having memory blackouts?

 

Just playing devils advocate here but honestly, what are you thinking?