Did you Live With Your Spouse First?

[Lezbean]

I'm curious how many of you first lived with your spouse before you were married?

 

1. Would you do it again?

 

2. Or do you think it would be better to get married and then live together?

 

3. If after living together, and you did not go on to marry, do you think living together first ruined it?

 

We plan on being married sometime early next year, but he wants me to move in soon. I'm worried because I have been reading the co-habitating first might increase chances of divorce.

 

We are not young kids. I'm 39 and he is 49. He has 2 preteen kids.

[mockeryjones]

1. absolutely. i think the only way to know if you are truly compatible and ready to be married is to live together.

 

2. no way. there are just things you need to know about the other person to know if you can live with them. living together eliminates the ability to hide potential deal breakers.

 

3. i lived with a woman before i met my wife, i thank god that i did becuase it showed me what to look for in a living partner and in a relationship.

 

even if it does increase the chances of divorce i think that living together first is really the best way to go. it eliminates most of the nasty suprises.

[ConfusedButLoved]

1. absolutely. i think the only way to know if you are truly compatible and ready to be married is to live together.

 

I absolutely agree! My hubby and I lived together 6 months before we married and I am so glad we did. Even though things worked out between us, I have to admit there were issues that arose that I was not expecting and there is something about not having the pressure of being "tied down" to someone that makes you want to stay and work it out. I think the hard part would be being married and then running into problems and feeling like you HAVE to stay, not so much that you want to. I will admit there were times I told my husband I didn't want to be here (in heat of an arguement) and looking back now I feel like I stayed with him because I really really wanted to not because I dreaded going through a divorce.

 

Not to mention there are things you just don't know about a person until you see them every single day. For instance I can be a clutter monkey sometimes and hubby gets stressed out with clutter, he is a clean freak! That might not sound so bad but we actually fought alot about it in the beginning of our relationship. Just things like that.

 

I strongly suggest moving in before marriage. And don't worry about the divorce thing, lets face it today you could step on a nail and blame you're divorce on it. If you divorce in a year I wouldn't blame it on moving in together, I would blame it on not being compatible with one another, which is something you will discover if you move in first!

[mental_traveller]

I'm worried because I have been reading the co-habitating first might increase chances of divorce.

 

It's not clear that this is actually the case. What the statistics say are that more people who cohabit first eventually to get divorced. But that does not necessarily mean that the cohabiting is responsible for the higher divorce risk.

 

Instead, it may mean that people who for various reasons are less likely to have a lasting relationship, will tend to go for the lower-commitment option of cohabiting first, rather than dive straight into marriage. If you think about it, it makes sense - someone who is less sure will cohabit first, since it's less of a risk. And someone who is less sure, probably isn't as likely to have met their ideal partner. Hence, over the next few years and decades, a divorce is more likely - but it was because of the lower compatibility, not because they lived together for a year or two beforehand. Also, you have to consider the people who cohabit because things aren't spot on, then 4 years later they have drifted along, are still together out of inertia, then say "hmm, might as well get married". These are prime candidates to divorce later on.

 

So, personally I think a better guide is to ask yourself how strong a compatibility do you feel with your partner? If it's very high, then I doubt it matters if you cohabit or not. But if there are some issues, chances are your relationship will eventually end, whether you cohabit or not. Don't let the statistics put you off. The fact is, living with someone shows you what they are really like, whereas marrying first is a bit of a leap into the dark.

[Mustang Sally]

My H and I lived together during the year that we were engaged.

 

I would probably do it again. I learned ALOT about him during that time, and I'm sure he learned alot about me, too.

 

But we had already made the commitment to get married, so it wasn't a "let's try living together before we get married" kind of thing. In fact, if we hadn't been in such financial straits (both students at the time) and decided to conserve $$$ by living together, we might not have done it. But it worked out ok (the living together part) in the end.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm curious how many of you first lived with your spouse before you were married?

 

1. Would you do it again?

 

2. Or do you think it would be better to get married and then live together?

 

1) I probably wouldn't do it so fast again and would allow more time for adjustment. We married seven weeks later. Might have been a mistake.

 

2) Probably, following a LONG engagement.

 

On the other and, we've now been married going on 11 years so something must have worked!

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm curious how many of you first lived with your spouse before you were married?

 

1. Would you do it again?

 

2. Or do you think it would be better to get married and then live together?

 

3. If after living together, and you did not go on to marry, do you think living together first ruined it?

 

We plan on being married sometime early next year, but he wants me to move in soon. I'm worried because I have been reading the co-habitating first might increase chances of divorce.

 

We are not young kids. I'm 39 and he is 49. He has 2 preteen kids.

H #1 no, H #2, yes.

 

1) Yes I would live together again, and for a longer period of time (more like 2 years versus the 9 months we lived together.) I would also know someone longer before living with him (I only knew him 3 months.)

 

2) I would not marry someone without living with him first. I agree with those who have said that you learn things in living together that might come as a surprise or be things to work out at the very least.

 

3) I have also lived with a man that I did not marry (between the two husbands) and boy was I glad! We didn't have plans to marry, but I learned he had some habits I just couldn't live with and our relationship didn't last very long. It seemed he really wanted a live in babysitter/mother figure for his kids because he had a tendency to stay out very late without notice. He had some pretty questionable friends with some questionable habits, too.

 

As for co-habitation increasing odds of divorce, I would question the statistics on that one. If you think about it, both are on the rise in a relatively short time (what, a few decades?) and I don't feel that they have much to do with one another, just societies tendencies in general.

 

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! I just saw that today on another thread.