What are new guy friend's intentions

[McFadden]

Last week I went to a friends party where things got kind of out of hand. I usually don't drink alcohol and I drank there. I remember being loud and belligerent and not like my usual self. There were a lot of people I don't know at the party, so unfortunately they all got that impression of me.

 

There was a particular guy I was talking to who mentioned that he had a girlfriend. But after I started drinking apparently I tried to kiss him and he refused, I became angry and tried to jump on him and started dry humping him. I just vaguely remember it happening. Then I kept storming around getting in fights with people and drinking until one of my friends packed me into the car and drove me off. I slept in for almost 24 hours because I don't have a high tolerance for alcohol but by the next day I had gotten a lot of voicemails from my friends asking if I was ok and making fun about what happened. (Like I said, this is why I don't drink often.)

 

One of the people who called was the guy I 'attacked' and he didn't mention anything about it. He just said that he got my number from my friend who had the party, and said to "call him sometime if I want." I was kind of confused about why he wanted to have anything to do with me, but he didn't mention the incident so I figured everyone was drunk and it wasn't a big deal.

 

So I called him back and we were just talking about that party in general and joking around and we decided to hang out sometime. He has called a lot since he got the number and usually just chats about random stuff. It has gotten kind of annoying since its like 2 or 3 times per day, so I let his calls go to voicmail sometimes, and he always leaves rambling messages. I like know all about his girlfriend, his boss, his car, his best friend, his vegetable garden, and everything that has happened in the history of his life and his ancestors lives and I haven't hung out with him yet even. We have talked about hanging out but every day since the party either I've been busy getting ready for my new job or with this comic book thing I'm working on, or he's been busy.

 

Well this morning he called early and it woke me up, but we ended up having a fairly long conversation by my standards. He was doing most of the talking and told me about something that happened at the gas station this morning with some guy and he was tied up there (I was half asleep so I don't remember) but point is he was being his usual self.

 

Then later on the same day (today) he called again and said that he wanted to talk to me about something, and confronted me about the fact that I had hit on him at that party where I first met him and he wanted to know why I had done that. I said because I drank too much. He then said that I was using that as an excuse, and he said that I made him uncomfortable and I need to get my behavior under control. He only wants things to be platonic and no more than a hug, and he may or may not even be offended by a hug if its of the wrong nature (WTF, right?) I was nice about it on the phone but in my head I was thinking 'wtf?' He never brought it up after the party, why is he bringing up something that happened way back in the day?

 

Apparently I'm still hanging out with him, and now that he had to bring it up its going to be awkward. I guess I don't see the point of bringing it up when it is over. Besides, if he was so offended why did he make a point of keeping in touch with me? I don't want to stereotype, but isn't it kind of unusual for a guy who only has platonic intentions to call that much? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but something seems a little off to me like he is playing games. I just wish I knew what was going on. Any males want to clue me in?

[Art_Critic]

I say you leave the guy alone and give up drinking.. if you can't than get help..

 

You clearly cannot drink like a normal person and need to really look into that..

 

It kinda sounds to me that he likes you some.. but maybe he is out to fix someone who needs fixing..

or maybe he has the best intentions and is looking out for you and trying to get you help..

Who knows.. no matter how you cut this one it means trouble..

 

If you really want to know what his intentions are then simply ask him.. he seems straight forward enough to tell you

[Enema]

That's just downright weird.

 

I could right a few paragraphs about why you shouldn't hang out with this guy or establish a friendship with him but I won't.

 

Cut him off, he sounds like a freak.

[McFadden]

Yeah, I can't drink like a normal person and that I shouldn't drink. There are happy drunks and there are belligerent drunks, I'm a belligerent and I lose control of my behavior quicker than the average person. I don't know why its that way, but it is.

 

Its not really a problem since I just almost never drink. When I'm going to drink anything I have a friend I can usually trust with me who cuts me off after 2 drinks. At this party that friend was off doing something else and I kept drinking, so it was a huge disaster, but its only one of 2 times this has happened and all I've never harmed anyone. I just get loud.

 

Anyway I know I'm a nightmare when I drink so that's why I'm surprised this guy is having anything to do with me. I actually just asked him about that and he said that he thought it was hilarious and awesome, which apparently is what half of the people at that party thought even though I don't condone it and I'm not going to do a repeat performance lol. I told him I'm not going to drink again, so that is that. I feel like there is sexual tension that could be cut with a knife. Maybe not, maybe I'm just being a sicko about it.

 

I would be interested in the good old 2 paragraph explanation. I haven't met anyone like him but he has been nothing but friendly so far, so why would I cut someone off when I don't know why?

[McFadden]

Never mind, since a similar situation was brought up in the other thread. What was said there was that guys will never try to become involved because they think you would be a good friend, and that usually the more platonic they act in the beginning, they will reveal thier intentions later. Its possible that could happen but how dare I judge him right? I mean is it fair to not allow a friendship to form because of something that happened to other people?

 

I brought things up to him and he said that he just thinks I am cool in spite of some annoying things that one time and he knew that we were going to be friends, and nothing is going to change his opinion about me or something.

 

I decided to hinge my entire opinion of males on this friendship btw. I'm monitoring the situation and if he turns out not to have ulterior motives, I will continue to view males as humans and individuals..if he has ulterior motives, it will kind of confirm that almost all males are the same and predictable and I will let go of my opinion that its easy for males and females to be friends.

[spookie]

I decided to hinge my entire opinion of males on this friendship btw. I'm monitoring the situation and if he turns out not to have ulterior motives, I will continue to view males as humans and individuals..if he has ulterior motives, it will kind of confirm that almost all males are the same and predictable and I will let go of my opinion that its easy for males and females to be friends.

 

Well that's not very smart. Why would you decide to stereotype everyone based on this one (kind of weird-acting) guy?

 

Anyway, I think you should stay away because he has a girlfriend. I find it odd that he contacted you despite this after your only interaction with him consisted of you coming on to him. Almost like he wants to cheat with someone, and thinks he can do it with you, but he hasn't completely made up his mind yet.

[McFadden]

Well that's not very smart. Why would you decide to stereotype everyone based on this one (kind of weird-acting) guy?

 

Stereotyping is part of how everyone makes thier predictions, experience is a large part of we have to go on. I have been told I should cut off contact with him. Isn't that predicting his motives based on what other people have done? I've hung out with him a few times and I've asked him about his motives and he didn't say anything out of line. It is odd as hell, considering the fact that he complained about my behavior that one time (A little too zestfully and making sure I knew he was disgusted, if you catch my drift I think he was trying to prove something). But I don't see any reason not to give it the benefit of the doubt until he actually tries to cross some line.

 

Actually there is one thing that could get messy about the situation, I just found out the place I got hired at is where he works. That's great for now but it will not be great if there is drama and then I have to see him every day. Steering clear of him is off the table because of the job situation, so I hope he turns out to be ok.

 

 

Yeah, if it turns out that he is just trying to get some action, it will be a point in favor of the "men and women cannot be friends" team.

[spookie]

A point is appropriate (and a lot of my own experiences have given points to that team as well) just don't let your experience, whatever it turns into, with this guy determine how you view all men thereafter.

 

Is his gf aware of your relationship? Does she know the frequency with which he contacts you? I ask because, if she is unaware, this could get messy. Also, if you know something you are a part of (like a friendship with this guy) is shady and for that reason it can hurt someone else (like his gf, whom he might be misleading) IMO it's wrong to continue. JMO.

[McFadden]

A point is appropriate (and a lot of my own experiences have given points to that team as well) just don't let your experience, whatever it turns into, with this guy determine how you view all men thereafter.

 

Is his gf aware of your relationship? Does she know the frequency with which he contacts you? I ask because, if she is unaware, this could get messy. Also, if you know something you are a part of (like a friendship with this guy) is shady and for that reason it can hurt someone else (like his gf, whom he might be misleading) IMO it's wrong to continue. JMO.

 

I don't know if she knows. Probably since he still answers the phone if she's there but I feel like I am asking a lot of questions for no reason ("what are your intentions," "why do you talk to me so much") and on top of that "does your girlfriend know you have friends" seems like a paranoid thing for me to ask. As long as there is just a friendship it isn't shady.

 

I'm starting to think there isn't anything shady going on. I just feel like there is tension but I'm starting to think its only from my side and I'm projecting it onto him. I like him as a friend. if he were single I would be trying to corrall this into a FWB situation but I know when to stop, I'm not going to push things and just accept a friendship.

[huh]

Well that's not very smart. Why would you decide to stereotype everyone based on this one (kind of weird-acting) guy?

 

Anyway, I think you should stay away because he has a girlfriend. I find it odd that he contacted you despite this after your only interaction with him consisted of you coming on to him. Almost like he wants to cheat with someone, and thinks he can do it with you, but he hasn't completely made up his mind yet.

 

I concur with Spookie on both points. I think this guy's testing the water to see if you'd be up for some side action with him. If some guy drunkenly came onto you when you'd told him you had a boyfriend, etc. would you be calling him?

 

Also, Spookie's right about basing your opinion of men on one skewed sample. This guy sounds like he's up to no good.

 

As for the alcohol, getting into fights, etc. isn't a normal reaction to alcohol. You can't expect your friend to watch out for you. And it's really hard when so much socialization is built around drinking. But there are other activities (movies, going to the park, etc.) Try to plan some non-drinking activities with your friends. Also, some guys are predators and will look for drunken girls/women to take advantage of. This will no doubt further skew your view of men if something happens to you while you are drunk. This guy may be a predator looking for a situation where you get drunk and his girlfriend isn't around.

[Yamaha]

Never mind, since a similar situation was brought up in the other thread. What was said there was that guys will never try to become involved because they think you would be a good friend, and that usually the more platonic they act in the beginning, they will reveal their intentions later. Its possible that could happen but how dare I judge him right? I mean is it fair to not allow a friendship to form because of something that happened to other people?

 

I brought things up to him and he said that he just thinks I am cool in spite of some annoying things that one time and he knew that we were going to be friends, and nothing is going to change his opinion about me or something.

 

I decided to hinge my entire opinion of males on this friendship btw. I'm monitoring the situation and if he turns out not to have ulterior motives, I will continue to view males as humans and individuals..if he has ulterior motives, it will kind of confirm that almost all males are the same and predictable and I will let go of my opinion that its easy for males and females to be friends.

 

By your actions he has changed his opinion of you and he is feeling you out to see if you would hook up as a FWB at some point. He's just a horny guy as most guys are of your age so if you form an opinion of all guys based on him then yes, all guys are predictable.

[McFadden]

I have caught some Hell about when I drink, I don't think its anything out of the ordinary. Some people get belligerent and loud when they are too drunk. I don't drink a lot and I don't drink often so I don't think its something I need to address.

 

I don't think everyone's opinion of me is ruined. He hasn't mentioned it again or brought up the plan of drinking, except that he thinks I shouldn't drink. I have hung out with him alone a few times where things could have gone in an inappropriate direction but he hasn't made a move and vaguely said that he is not up to FWB situations, when I brought up the subject in general to see what he would say. I think he is pretty much confident that I would be up for it if he made a move but I don't think he's going to. I will send you all some flowers or something if the situation turns out to be shady but I don't think it is as of now. If he does end up being single at some point an FWB relationship would be appropriate and not shady (if he is even into me at all, which I'm leaning toward thinking he isn't.) There's nothing to be done right now.

 

And I said it will add one point to my thinking that guys are predictable in the realm of this situation, I think thats appropriate. He is just being sooo caring and ernest (throws up ) that if he turns out to be totally into getting action why should I not resent that?

[huh]

Resenting it is one thing, blaming every other guy for it/letting it color how you see men is another. As for his motives, have you met him in public with his girlfriend since the incident? With other friends? Or is it just the 2 of you when you meet up? My guess is from the dry humping, etc. he's realized there's an interest on your part & is following up to see how far you're willing to take it. And he may very well like you as a person, in addition to be interested in you sexually. But he has a girlfriend, so that makes things complicated. I'm predicting it's going to end up in a lot of drama if you continue to pursue things. Which is your choice. But if you're going into this, knowing it could very well lead to drama, it's not fair to judge men as a whole on your experience with this guy. I'm female, btw.

 

As for the alcohol, if this were a one time reaction (the belligerence), I'd say, happens to the best of us. But by your own description, this happens every time you drink more than a certain amount, which is why you don't normally drink more than that amount & have asked your friend to watch out for you. Being in my 40s, I can say that friends will overlook a one time incident or even a few and not think badly of you. But when it becomes a pattern, people often react differently. Also, I have a strong history of alcoholism in my family. There are often legal consequences to out of control drinking (e.g. being arrested for drunk driving or assault during a fight). What you did to that guy at the party could've resulted in sexual assault charges if the genders were reversed. Do you want to keep taking chances that you won't get arrested or injured, etc.?

[McFadden]

I think what I'm saying is far as the alcohol related part keeps getting misconstrued. I'm not saying that I'm fine with my reaction to alcohol and I'm going to keep drinking. I know the limit that I can have and if I ever drink (which is very rarely) I make arrangements ahead of time so I can't go over the amount. There was a slip up this time, but it won't happen again because I have to be more careful.

 

Its not like he is attempting to hide the whole thing or whatnot, I have hung out with him with other friends and alone and she knows who I am because he's talked to me while she's there and he has pictures with me in them up. I have yet to meet her though. I think this is the test of whether or not he is up to anything, if he's not he won't care if I end up meeting her.

 

There is a risk for drama. Especially with the work element. It could end up being so awkward.

[McFadden]

Anyway my opinion is that he is not going to cheat but he may be trying to line me up in case at a future time he is single. I'm saying that is the case IF anything, because its a bigger possibility that he isn't attracted to me at all. Thats what I would normally think based on his attitude toward me. Maybe he just likes the attention that I seem attracted to him.

 

I am not against that. It is not like he's on my front burner anyway, he's on the back burner. I don't care if anything happens or not at an eventual time if he's single. I want to stay friends at least, hopefully.

[McFadden]

I started thinking I was getting feelings for this guy I am talking about here. I actually don't think so now. He is nice but some things about him turn me off.

 

He calls all the time and at inappropriate times like early in the morning and talks a lot and wants to hang out but every time I hang out with him he is in a bad mood. I feel like he's trying to get me to feel sorry for him. I don't think he's trying to hit on me though because he's is always talking about his relationship with his girlfriend (which apparently is bittersweet or something.)

 

I brought up again that when we met I was drunk and I was trying to hit on him. He said that its not a big deal because he doesn't want to lose a great friend over it. What the hell, that happened the first time I met him not like after 6 years. But he says 'I am so glad I finally have a friend who cares' and that I am a great friend.

 

I don't know what to say when he talks about me being a friend that cares or gets really elaborate into problems. I always either listen or I say something stupid like 'sorry' or 'it will turn out ok.' I don't feel comfortable at all. Its making me feel guilty (sort of) because I don't really consider people good friends for months.