Is He Cheating?

[PrettyCrissy]

As I write this I cry because I'm so torn. My boyfriend of only six months has me questioning our relationship. He has a daughter in Cali and twice within the last 6 months he's been out there to see her. He seeing her is not the problem, the problem is when he goes he stays at the house with his ex-wife (he divorced her about 6 years ago so I did not have anything to do with their divorce). He'll be there for approximately 10 days. What made this situation harder for me to deal with is when I tried to call him this past Saturday; his phone went straight to voicemail. It stayed that way for the following day which was his birthday. I tried to be understanding but I just couldn't understand why his phone was not on. I started to question him in my mind, never worrying but just wondering what could possibly be wrong. I started to think maybe he went on vacation with his daughter and ex or maybe he just didn’t want to answer. Both thoughts bought tears to my eyes.

Finally, the night of his birthday about 11:30 pm New York time he called me as if nothing was wrong. I asked him what the deal was with his phone and that’s when he told me he went to Mexico for a vacation with his daughter. He never told me of this before he left which makes me believe that it is so much more than that. Before he left I asked him to make sure he calls me every night.

I asked him about the relationship he has with his ex and he said that there just really good friends. He said she’s dating someone but I can’t see a man allowing another man especially your lady’s ex stay days at a time at her house without him there.

 

I’m so torn because I do love him and he also confesses his love for me. I don’t know what to do because I’ve invested a lot into him. I’ve never invested so much in someone like I do him.

 

It’s been very hard for the past week knowing that my man is with his ex. Time he’s spending with his ex should be spent with me. Help! What should I do?

[LakesideDream]

Pretty Crissy, you need to grow up. He's spending time with his DAUGHTER who lives with his wife who is primary custodian.

 

If you honestly believe he should spend that time with you... well he should dump you like yesterdays sushi.

[outofdarkness]

As I write this I cry because I'm so torn. My boyfriend of only six months has me questioning our relationship. He has a daughter in Cali and twice within the last 6 months he's been out there to see her. He seeing her is not the problem, the problem is when he goes he stays at the house with his ex-wife (he divorced her about 6 years ago so I did not have anything to do with their divorce). He'll be there for approximately 10 days. What made this situation harder for me to deal with is when I tried to call him this past Saturday; his phone went straight to voicemail. It stayed that way for the following day which was his birthday. I tried to be understanding but I just couldn't understand why his phone was not on. I started to question him in my mind, never worrying but just wondering what could possibly be wrong. I started to think maybe he went on vacation with his daughter and ex or maybe he just didn’t want to answer. Both thoughts bought tears to my eyes.

Finally, the night of his birthday about 11:30 pm New York time he called me as if nothing was wrong. I asked him what the deal was with his phone and that’s when he told me he went to Mexico for a vacation with his daughter. He never told me of this before he left which makes me believe that it is so much more than that. Before he left I asked him to make sure he calls me every night.

I asked him about the relationship he has with his ex and he said that there just really good friends. He said she’s dating someone but I can’t see a man allowing another man especially your lady’s ex stay days at a time at her house without him there.

 

I’m so torn because I do love him and he also confesses his love for me. I don’t know what to do because I’ve invested a lot into him. I’ve never invested so much in someone like I do him.

 

It’s been very hard for the past week knowing that my man is with his ex. Time he’s spending with his ex should be spent with me. Help! What should I do?

I certainly understand you being anxious and upset, but I do think that Lakeside is right...He's just visiting his daughter...If it upsets you that he doesn't check in to let you know what his plans are; re: the trip to Mexico, try not to frett too much. There is most likely some jelousy on his daughter's part, or would be, if she knew how close you all are...Also, my experience is that some men just don't think about things like checking in or calling to let SO's know of their plans..You have to speak up and communicate your concerns and fears w/ him in a non threatening setting when it's just the two of you.

 

Re: His ExW...I wouldn't worry about that at all..She's seeing someone else too! They are making and effort to be civil for their daughter. This is very commendable, givenn that most couples now days find this increasingly hard to do, IMO...Try to calm down and trust him unless he REALLY gives you good reason NOT to trust....Good Luck..

[Lizzie60]

He is spending time with his daughter... you can't blame him... since he can't see his child every week... or every other day... he sure must miss her like crazy.

 

He is spending time with the ex because the child is living with the ex... she's (the ex) is good enough to allow him to stay there in order to give him more time with his daughter... she's great.

 

If they have a good relationship, it's even better for the child...

 

You feel upset about it... but really there is not much you can do... these two people are linked for life because they have a child together... you already knew that...

 

Time he’s spending with his ex should be spent with me. Help! What should I do?

 

Nothing... IMO you're being selfish... and there is nothing you can do... if they end up having sex together well... what can you do about it.. they're just friends now... friends with benefits.. and the big benefit is the child. Will he be back with her, even if they do have sex, I very much doubt it... I have sex with my ex... but I would never go back with him... we enjoy each other's company, we're best friend now... he's getting married this month.

 

So just chill out... and relax... he'll be back, but will always go back for his child... you better get used to this.

 

Oh...and why aren't you going with him?

[Lostgurl]

Crissy, I really think that he is just spending time with his daughter. two visits in 6 months is barely enough time for them to have together. In fact, I feel sorry for him that he doesn't get to see her more.

 

Also, him and his wife have been apart for 6 years. That is ALOT of time to heal, coupled in with the fact that she as well as he, have other people in their lives, makes it a pretty safe bet that these two small visits are very much so innocent.

 

I think it's great that him and his ex get along very well. Look at it this way, would you rather have this, or him and his ex at eachother's necks? Her calling him all the time to raise shyte, not letting him see his child and him putting all his energy into fighting with lawers and court for custody?

 

Also, nevermind about Lizzies opinion about the "friends with benefits" thing. That is her opinion because it's all she thinks about is sex, and is open to having sex with well, almost anyone. I really don't think that they are having sex.

 

I don't understand why your so worried here Crissy, Do they talk alot while he's not there in Cali? Why did they break up? Does she know that he's seeing you? How old are you, may i ask?

 

It could also be, that she's staying with her boyfriend alot of the time when your man is out there. She is probably taking advantage of the free time. I know that i would, well actually I do, when my ex takes my kids over night.

[Lizzie60]

nevermind about Lizzies opinion about the "friends with benefits" thing. That is her opinion because it's all she thinks about is sex, and is open to having sex with well, almost anyone. I really don't think that they are having sex.

 

Well an 'ex' is not just anyone... She (his ex) is someone he's been intimate with, and it's not uncommon to see ex having sex when they are friends and have a good relationship...

 

You don't think they're having sex... no one knows that for sure, except the 2 'exes'.... we can all speculate about this... but my point is.. why is she miserable because he's out there visiting his daughter. There is absolutely nothing she can do about it...so if she can't trust him now.. she's in for a very miserable ride...because he'll be connected with her for a looong time.

[Lostgurl]

nevermind about Lizzies opinion about the "friends with benefits" thing. That is her opinion because it's all she thinks about is sex, and is open to having sex with well, almost anyone. I really don't think that they are having sex.

 

Well an 'ex' is not just anyone... She (his ex) is someone he's been intimate with, and it's not uncommon to see ex having sex when they are friends and have a good relationship...

 

You don't think they're having sex... no one knows that for sure, except the 2 'exes'.... we can all speculate about this... but my point is.. why is she miserable because he's out there visiting his daughter. There is absolutely nothing she can do about it...so if she can't trust him now.. she's in for a very miserable ride...because he'll be connected with her for a looong time.

 

I agree that no one can REALLY say whether or not they are having sex, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they ARE having sex. Not all people have sex with their ex's. I for one wouldn't even dream of having sex with the person that i had children with, let alone any of my other ex's, except for the one that i'm in love with.

 

It's been 6 years since they've split up, and they are both seeing other people.

 

She is going to have to look at the fact that he will continue to be a part of his ex's life, and either accept that, or leave him.

 

But I don't agree that you should be getting her paranoid by saying that just because they were intimate at one point, means it's highly likely that they are "friends with benefits".

[Fanny]

Hey PrettyCrissy,

 

He's with his kid.

 

I used to date a guy w/o kids and it was so hard for him to understand their pivotal roll in my life...and so painful for him that I swore off dating men that weren't parents.

 

Mammals love their kids first, everyone else second. Its how we're built.

[PrettyCrissy]

I do thank you all for your opinion but my reason for being upset was not because he's down there to see his daughter. I was perfectly fine with the situation until he was dishonest about his whereabouts. I believe in relationships there has to be open communication which I thought we had. I did not know about the vacation until a day or so after he was there. My thoughts were if he knew about this ahead of time why did he not tell me. I was very understanding when he left, even the first time around.

 

He knew about the vacation ahead of time because when I asked him about it he apologized because he told everyone else but me. That made me question and think more about the situation.

 

I am a mother and I do understand the importance of having both parents in the my childs life. Like I said and maybe I didn't make it clear the first time but my reason for being upset with him is because I was not informed about this vacation. I should know what's going on because I am the one he is involved with.

[Lizzie60]

He knew about the vacation ahead of time because when I asked him about it he apologized because he told everyone else but me.

 

What a nice, attentive, caring guy! It's only been 6 months, so I think you're way more serious about this relationship than he is...

[PrettyCrissy]

He knew about the vacation ahead of time because when I asked him about it he apologized because he told everyone else but me.

 

What a nice, attentive, caring guy! It's only been 6 months, so I think you're way more serious about this relationship than he is...[/QUOT

 

Maybe I'm a lil more serious about this relation than he is but when you confess your love for someone like he did, it should be taken a little more serious. Anywho, I'll be fine and maybe I'll pull back some.

[littlekitty]

It’s been very hard for the past week knowing that my man is with his ex. Time he’s spending with his ex should be spent with me. Help! What should I do?

 

Why say this is you're a mother and you understand his need to be with his child?! He's not there spending time with his ex, but with his daughter.

 

He knew about the vacation ahead of time because when I asked him about it he apologized because he told everyone else but me.

 

What a nice, attentive, caring guy! It's only been 6 months, so I think you're way more serious about this relationship than he is...[/QUOT

 

Maybe I'm a lil more serious about this relation than he is but when you confess your love for someone like he did, it should be taken a little more serious. Anywho, I'll be fine and maybe I'll pull back some.

 

Then talk to him about why he didn't tell you about it. Calmly and rationally talk to him about it. Men don't think the same way we do, perhaps he didn't think it mattered.

 

Sounds to me as though perhaps you're a little insecure in your relationship with this guy and are struggling to deal with him being away?

[PrettyCrissy]

Why say this is you're a mother and you understand his need to be with his child?! He's not there spending time with his ex, but with his daughter.

 

 

Then talk to him about why he didn't tell you about it. Calmly and rationally talk to him about it. Men don't think the same way we do, perhaps he didn't think it mattered.

 

Sounds to me as though perhaps you're a little insecure in your relationship with this guy and are struggling to deal with him being away?

 

I am a mother and I do undrstand the importance of him spending time with his daughter. I was really upset because he decided to tell me about the vacation after he got back. Initially I honestly was ok with him going away. I should have made myself more clear when I first posted my story. And yes I will talk to him calmly and rationally when he gets back.

 

Thank you

[Topper]

So he was going to go away for 10 days and not tell you? Then when he got home inform you that he was visiting his daughter in CA?

You two do have a communication problem.

[PrettyCrissy]

So he was going to go away for 10 days and not tell you? Then when he got home inform you that he was visiting his daughter in CA?

You two do have a communication problem.

 

I have to apologize for not stating clearly the situation. I knew he was going to California. I didn't know he was going to Mexico once he got there. That is the issue.