Why do you husbands and wives stay after being cheated on?

[Kcunpredictable]

I have read sooo many posts here about the OW and MM PLEASE tell me why in the world do all of you wives and husbands stay with the one that cheated on you? I can not for the life of me figure out why you people stay with the ones that cheated on you? Is it a game with the OM or OW so that they cant go back to them? Like look you lost and I won? What are truely winning? A man or woman that has no concern for you when he or she is with the other person. Then you get on here and talk about how devastated you are that your husband or wife had and affair, what is the point in that stop being so naive. If your husband or wife goes to the OM OW why would you want them back?

[Zoomarch]

The answer to your question is simply "love" or "co-dependency".

 

In my case, my husband stays with me (I cheated) because he really does love me. We've been together for 17+ years and he just flat out loves me. He knows I cheated and chose to stay with me. I think he sees this as something temporary that I am going through and isn't willing to give up our kids, and so many years of building a life together.

 

Now, do I deserve that? Absolutely not. But it is, what it is. You don't choose who you love. Why do abused women choose to stay with their abusive husbands? It's all a mystery but I think it boils down to who you love.

 

He loves me. I know it. And maybe I even take advantage of that a little. I hate that I have feelings for another man - but I'm not willing to leave my H for it. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough for my H. (that I'm not leaving) I don't know. All I know is that, if the tables were turned, I'm not sure I'd be so understanding - and I've told him so.

 

Hope this helps in a weird, sick way............

[Tony T]

I have read sooo many posts here about the OW and MM PLEASE tell me why in the world do all of you wives and husbands stay with the one that cheated on you? I can not for the life of me figure out why you people stay with the ones that cheated on you? Is it a game with the OM or OW so that they cant go back to them? Like look you lost and I won? What are truely winning? A man or woman that has no concern for you when he or she is with the other person. Then you get on here and talk about how devastated you are that your husband or wife had and affair, what is the point in that stop being so naive. If your husband or wife goes to the OM OW why would you want them back?

 

Very often it's for the same reason they married the cheater...to see if they can change him. Few people like to admit failure. Another reason is a psychological principle known as "entrapment." It works the same way as people who are addicted to playing the lottery. People keep buying tickets against all odds of winning for fear that if they didn't buy a ticket for the next drawing, THAT WOULD BE THE DRAWING they would win. People stay with a cheater because they think LAST TIME WAS THE END OF THEIR CHEATING.

 

Aren't human beings wacky?

[child_of_isis]

Maybe the pain of staying in the M is more bearable than the pain of letting it go.

[lonelybird]

I have read sooo many posts here about the OW and MM PLEASE tell me why in the world do all of you wives and husbands stay with the one that cheated on you? I can not for the life of me figure out why you people stay with the ones that cheated on you? Is it a game with the OM or OW so that they cant go back to them? Like look you lost and I won? What are truely winning? A man or woman that has no concern for you when he or she is with the other person. Then you get on here and talk about how devastated you are that your husband or wife had and affair, what is the point in that stop being so naive. If your husband or wife goes to the OM OW why would you want them back?

Unless a true soul awakening, the cheater less likely change their behavious

[Curmudgeon]

If your husband or wife goes to the OM OW why would you want them back?

 

 

...I didn't. I divorced her.

[IWALH]

You're asking the wrong people, haha. I wouldn't dare ask this question in the other community, though.

 

But they probably stay because their husbands lie excessively to them about the details of the affair. Because I'm sure if they really knew EVERYTHING their husbands were telling the OW and the things they were doing, they wouldn't stay. But they stay and they believe because they want to believe he isn't lying to them. And if the OW happens to talk to the wife and tell them the truth then you better believe their husband is going to tell the wife that the OW was lying to them (the w).... and they'll believe it.

 

In some cases they might think it was just because their husbands were on drugs or alcohol and if they get them recovered then everything will be okay. And I'm sure everything does become okay... if even just artificially.

[new beginning]

there is a lot more to it then winning or losing. it is about what you want not only for yourself but for your children, if they are involved. i believe that a great deal of BS stay because they are in denial. i believe that a great many A are caused because often the BS wants something or someone that the WS is not or cannot be... when the A is realized, the BS has a hard time believing that the WS could sincerely do that. They want to forgive- they need to forgive... and yes, the fear of "losing" to the OP is a motivating factor. but it is not the only one.

 

i was there- not understanding. the truth is, it's hard for a OP to understand why a BS would want to stay... especially if you yourself have never been married.

 

lack of self-esteem? fear of being alone? the BS and the OP aren't too far away in their insecurities.

[Kcunpredictable]

Ok, now I still dont understand I just read in the infidelity forum that the woman got preg. and had the oms baby? Why would her husband want to stay and raise that baby as his own plus from what she posted they her husband and them were all friends? Nowww someone please answer this are there any men/woman out there reading this that have stayed because of what reasons????? there are no reasons to stay, not the kids, the house the car the money nothing WHY DO YOU ALL STAY WITH YOUR CHEATER? what makes your husband/wife that great besides "time" you cant possibly love them that much to stay. Do you think the situation with the lady and the baby will change with her and her husband and the OMs with his wife because of the baby? An affair is an affair, an affair that brings on a child is that really forgivable?

[Kcunpredictable]

Oh, and the OM wants to be in the childs life? How long do you think that either one of there marriages work? Wouldnt both the OMs wife and the husband think everytime they looked at that baby it would remind them of how that child got here in the first place?

Interesting is'nt it?

[Kcunpredictable]

IWALH I am going to post that same question in the other community.

This is really troubling me why they stay?

Once a cheater always a cheater......

[IWALH]

Ok, now I still dont understand I just read in the infidelity forum that the woman got preg. and had the oms baby? Why would her husband want to stay and raise that baby as his own plus from what she posted they her husband and them were all friends? Nowww someone please answer this are there any men/woman out there reading this that have stayed because of what reasons????? there are no reasons to stay, not the kids, the house the car the money nothing WHY DO YOU ALL STAY WITH YOUR CHEATER? what makes your husband/wife that great besides "time" you cant possibly love them that much to stay. Do you think the situation with the lady and the baby will change with her and her husband and the OMs with his wife because of the baby? An affair is an affair, an affair that brings on a child is that really forgivable?

 

Married. Men. Are. Master. Manipulators.

 

That's pretty much all there is to it.

 

Pluuuus, he is the daddy to their babies, financial reasons, there are underlying issues with the WS that led to the affair, maybe alcohol & drugs (things that are "fixable") are a factor. Don't want all the years they were together to go to waste. Family ties. Maybe some are control freaks because once a MM is caught having an affair that gives the BW the upper hand. Because they love the person they think their husband is and portrays himself to be. There's a whole slew of reasons, take your pick.

 

Why do you sound so bitter? It's their choice. They decided to stay. Let them deal with their decision.

[Trialbyfire]

Nope, I didn't stay in the marriage either. But when D-day arrived, I made him dump his OW under a semi. Then I divorced him. All's well that ends well. Win/win y'know...

[IWALH]

IWALH I am going to post that same question in the other community.

This is really troubling me why they stay?

Once a cheater always a cheater......

 

I would highly recommend against it.

[new beginning]

ok, if you are looking for answers... you aren't going to find them.

 

i'm presuming you are an OW, upset bc your MM's BW decided to stay w/ him after learning of the A. Going off that presumption...........

 

Why is SHE staying with HIM? No one here can tell you that. She may not even know. But, she will tell herself whatever she needs to in order to make it livable.

 

In my case, the BW set up a very structured plan for overcoming the A. Counseling. Date night. Family night. The A was not to be revealed to ANYONE- friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, members of the PTA. MM had to check in constantly. She got the passwords to every e-mail account he had, including his business account. And of course, absolutely no contact with OW or baby A.

 

Did it make a difference? No. MM and I continued- where there is a will, there is a way. Do I honestly believe she didn't know? Absolutely not. But, she was happy in denial... most of the time.

 

And then it got to be too much, and she kicked him out, and now they are getting a D.

 

The real question is not why does a BS keep a cheating, lying spouse... but why does a cheating spouse who claims to be in love with their other person stay with the BS after the A is revealed??? The answer... because if WS had the balls (for lack of a better term) to end the M in the first place, an A never would have happened. They either want to be in the M or they don't want to leave it... either way, it wouldn't matter if the BS wanted them or not if they didn't go home with their tail between their legs.

[Tomcat33]

there is a lot more to it then winning or losing. it is about what you want not only for yourself but for your children, if they are involved. i believe that a great deal of BS stay because they are in denial. i believe that a great many A are caused because often the BS wants something or someone that the WS is not or cannot be... when the A is realized, the BS has a hard time believing that the WS could sincerely do that. They want to forgive- they need to forgive... and yes, the fear of "losing" to the OP is a motivating factor. but it is not the only one.

 

i was there- not understanding. the truth is, it's hard for a OP to understand why a BS would want to stay... especially if you yourself have never been married.

 

lack of self-esteem? fear of being alone? the BS and the OP aren't too far away in their insecurities.

 

 

Yup I would have to agree with all those thoughts. I think fear of being alone is also a big one, also like someone said earlier, because the pain of staying is prob less (in their heads and how they justify it) than having to leave and start again. Divorce is a royal pain in the butt, they love the house the lifestyle the status quo appearance so why give up all that?

 

So I think people just find it easier to buy into the lie than to move on.

 

 

I know I have not been in that position but if I were there is no way in HELL I would stay with a man who had a full feltched affair on me, let a alone one who flip flopped back and forth and made me promises only to end up back again and again in the OW's arms YIKES NO WAY!!! In my opinion you just can't fix something like that. It's a line that once it's crossed you can never come back from, yeah you can try to improve your marriage and you as the BS can work your butt off to try to please the your partner to prevent them from doing it agin but the reality is they did it once and got away with it when the "urge" comes around again they will try to hide it better. And they may or may not get the urge again but life is just too short to spend next to the person who supposedly loves you questionting will he or won't he today.

 

 

WARNING: my personal observation ahead stop reading here if you don't care...

 

I have seen a very consistent tendency in a lot of posts from cheaters and I saw this in my ex too when he described his W and what was lacking. They can't seem to put their finger on it, they all have this cookie cutter explanation they says something along the lines of "They are so nice, they are so sweet and giving and devoted to the family, me, work, etc the sex is ok, but there is something missing" They all describe this lifeless rendition of their partners that is good enough to live with but certainly does not meet the mark when it comes to feeling that deep emotional connection that still makes their hearts skip a beat if they look at them a certain way or come out with a wise crack or who can simply make them laugh.

 

They can't seem to put their fingers on it and part of the guilt is because I think that in a lot of cases when people cheat, they like certain qualities of their mates but they miss and have always missed something deeper that perhaps was never there and they settled to not have but at the time it was not that important. But as time went on this became more apparent that it was missing. It is something about their spouses that they cannot put their fingers on and they sometimes find it in the OP because it is a quality that their spouses just don't posses but maybe always wished they had.

They wish they could be with someone different who challenged or stimulated their senses more, mostly intellectually which also creates sexual sparks, but feel guilty for wanting this when they have a perfectly "good" person at home who just ins't like that.

 

I think this is where a lot of the guilt orginates. And I'm sorry if my opinion offends, it was not intended to offend it was just my observation.

[IWALH]

And you are right about the "competition" thing. I was actually accused of trying to "win" him so obviously her mentality was that it was a "competition." Which is childish.

 

Reminds me of the song "Ring the Alarm" by Beyonce.

 

 

First BW's act like the song "Irreplaceable" and then "Ring the Alarm." Both by Beyonce. It's a pattern.

[Curmudgeon]

Married. Men. Are. Master. Manipulators.

 

That's pretty much all there is to it.

 

I'm a man. I'm married. I'm not a manipulator.

[Kcunpredictable]

No, I am not the ow more like the wife. In his eyes i guess I was the OW. I said see ya filed for divorce and moved on. I would never stay. and to NEW BEGINNING you said NC with Ow or baby A. Did you have a baby to the man?

[IWALH]

 

The real question is not why does a BS keep a cheating, lying spouse... but why does a cheating spouse who claims to be in love with their other person stay with the BS after the A is revealed??? The answer... because if WS had the balls (for lack of a better term) to end the M in the first place, an A never would have happened. They either want to be in the M or they don't want to leave it... either way, it wouldn't matter if the BS wanted them or not if they didn't go home with their tail between their legs.

 

Ah, I think you're onto something.

[new beginning]

No, I am not the ow more like the wife. In his eyes i guess I was the OW. I said see ya filed for divorce and moved on. I would never stay. and to NEW BEGINNING you said NC with Ow or baby A. Did you have a baby to the man?

 

Yes. I had a daughter 2 years ago.

[IWALH]

I'm a man. I'm married. I'm not a manipulator.

 

I should have worded it better.

 

I meant MM (married men) who have affairs. Not the general population of married men, haha.

 

I know there are PLENTY of loving, honest, FAITHFUL men out there, both single and married. And I know I will find one someday!! (a single one, OF COURSE!!!)

[new beginning]

I apologize for assuming you were the OW; in your case, I guess I would go ahead and pose that question to others in your situation.

[Kcunpredictable]

NEW BEGINNING whoooaa, That is deep. IF you dont mind how is that going? Did you read the post from the other woman 73? That sounds like a big mess for her did you or are you going through the same thing she is? How did the wife handle the baby thing? I dont know as if I could no, I would'nt have stayed at all, no harm to you I just wouldnt have. I couldnt deal with the affair let alone an affair with a child. How did you fair in all that? I hope im not being to noisy. I just wonder how you two got through that with his wife.

[Kcunpredictable]

NEW BEGINNING, dont apologize like I said I REALLY was the other woman not you guys on the other end who are classified as the other woman. The wives and husbands are TRUELY the OW/OM. In affairs the MM or MW make the OM/OW the top priority not the spouses. Get it.