Why do you husbands and wives stay after being cheated on?

[Kcunpredictable]

I think I got it now. Trial by fire. dont be sorry its ok. NO need to go into it. I think I put it together...

[Kcunpredictable]

Some people especially men blame themselves which causes the cheating spouse to lose respect for them and just do it again. If a person really is going to forgive a cheating spouse they need to drag it out and make the cheater sweat a little bit. As for me I would just leave if my wife cheated. My first wife cheated and I pulled the ring right off her finger.

there should be more like you....

[Woggle]

I don't think this world can handle more than one of me.

[Shades of Grey]

This is a question that I have been seriously struggling with. Not that it matters...but anyway.

 

When my MM told his w that he wanted to leave she refused to accept that he would even consider it. He ended up telling her all about our 3+ year affair as well as several other (at least 1 long term) affairs that he had had continuously had throughout the course of their marriage.

 

Basically he has never been faithful. I've posted on a different thread about his feelings towards their marriage. Why he felt he got married etc etc. Not that it justifies any of it of course.

 

He wanted to try and make her understand why he felt he couldn't continue living in this lie and for once in his life be honest with her. Her response was that they could work it out. She did not want him to leave regardless.

 

I honestly think that he could have told her he had fathered 17 illegitimate children and she would have said "you do remember we have the neighbours summer bbq this weekend don't you?"

 

He left and continued our relationship, she put all the pressure she could muster on him, (threats, leaving him with the children, taking the children away, taking every penny he has, she called his elderly father and told him that he had abandoned her, (which just destroyed him.) threatened to tell his young children exactly why their dad had left them) until he caved in and agreed to try again.

 

I can't fathom how anyone could forgive that much. Their whole marriage has been based on lies and betrayal. I don't see how she can honestly think that he will now change and will find in their marriage everything that has been missing or learn to settle without it. Obviously i can't understand why he would continue either but thats not the point of the thread.

[new beginning]

NEW BEGINNING whoooaa, That is deep. IF you dont mind how is that going? Did you read the post from the other woman 73? That sounds like a big mess for her did you or are you going through the same thing she is? How did the wife handle the baby thing? I dont know as if I could no, I would'nt have stayed at all, no harm to you I just wouldnt have. I couldnt deal with the affair let alone an affair with a child. How did you fair in all that? I hope im not being to noisy. I just wonder how you two got through that with his wife.

 

I haven't read the post from other woman 73, but I will look it up after I reply to this one!

 

As for how it is going... well, immediately after BW found out about A (when I was pg) MM and I went NC so he could save his family- she set down all those guidelines, etc. It didn't last, although I never intended to start the A again and I don't think he did either. After our DD (dear daughter) was born he initially came to visit her; the A resumed a few months later. I was a single mom for all intense and purposes, and I sure wasn't getting out on the dating scene, so it just kinda happened. He continued to sneak around to see both DD and me until a few months ago, when his W found out that we were still having A and kicked him out. He is living with a relative and they are in the process of getting a D. I don't know where we will go from here- it is all very new right now. But that is where we are now.

[new beginning]

I hope new beginning will answer back. I didnt mean to hurt her feelings. I am geniuly concerned about what happen when the wife found out about your pregnancy and how she handled it with you, and how your mm dealt with you and your baby, I Hope he didnt walk away from you and the baby. bad enough what he did to his wife but worse to walk away from his daughter. Do you get money support from him for her he SHOULD at least do that one. Another question does your daughter have his last name could you do that even though he was married at the time? I hope I dont sound totally stupid to you...

 

Didn't get offended... just needed to get some rest!

 

BW insisted the MM have nothing to do with me or baby, which I never understood- she has children with him, she KNOWS how he feels about his kids, and that to walk away from one would be next to impossible. But she couldn't deal with the baby AND save her marriage in her mind- not that I blame her, I don't know that I could have stayed and been a step-mom to a kid that came along during my M- so she told him he could have nothing to do with our daughter. I did pursue child support- he never argued about that, and we have a legal agreement and it comes out of his check. BW knows that he pays support. He met our DD when she was about two weeks old and has done everything he can to continue to see her since then. She knows he is daddy and recognizes him...

 

She does not have his last name. Legally I couldn't give it to her in the hospital, although after paternity was proved (standard to set up child support) I could have changed it- we did change the birth certificate to indicate that he was the father, since I couldn't name him on the birth certificate in the hospital either- but I decided it would be easier for all concerned if she had my last name.

 

You don't sound stupid at all. It is an awkward situation with a lot of different aspects that you never really would think of...

 

Also, I know you haven't asked, but I do want to state that I did not get pg on purpose or hope that my pg would end their marriage. Truthfully we had only been together a few times when I found out I was pg, and I was on birth control as well. My DD wasn't planned, but she is the best surprise I never knew I wanted!

[Lizzie60]

I think the W keep their H, after the affair, for many reasons but my bet is that....they (W)

 

1) do believe all the crap their H tells them... I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing; she (OW) manipulated me into this; I didn't even find her pretty; I don't love her, I love YOU; she wasn't even as good as you in bed but she 'understood' me; etc.... (This is IMO the main reason, they still believe Him);

 

2) fear to be alone and financially insecure;

 

3) rather stay with their cheater for the reputation (social, friends, family);

 

4) stay for the sake of the kids;

 

5) stay because they have low self-esteem;

 

There are tons of reasons but I would think that these are the main ones.

[SetMeFree]

In affairs the MM or MW make the OM/OW the top priority not the spouses.

 

I agree with everything on this thread except for this. What it should say is that "the MM or MW makes HIMSELF or HERSELF the top priority". And they could care less about the feelings of either their spouse or the OP.

[Curmudgeon]

I think that works both ways. Husbands keep straying wives for all those same reasons, and more. I think you can also add habit, fear of the unknown, hope, and more.

[Trialbyfire]

One thing OW/OMs refuse to acknowledge is that some people stay because they still love their WS and want to make the marriage work, especially when they've been married for a long time. You don't stop loving someone overnight.

[Lynna]

One thing OW/OMs refuse to acknowledge is that some people stay because they still love their WS and want to make the marriage work, especially when they've been married for a long time. You don't stop loving someone overnight.

 

Exactly! The betrayed spouse likely thinks everything is fine in the marriage, they are probably still happily married and in love. You can't just snap your fingers and stop loving someone and instantly give up all your dreams and your future. Depending on the reasons for the A, if the cheating spouse still loves the betrayed spouse, then given time and enough work they can rebuild their marriage and make it stronger.

[Trialbyfire]

Exactly! The betrayed spouse likely thinks everything is fine in the marriage, they are probably still happily married and in love. You can't just snap your fingers and stop loving someone and instantly give up all your dreams and your future. Depending on the reasons for the A, if the cheating spouse still loves the betrayed spouse, then given time and enough work they can rebuild their marriage and make it stronger.

The ridiculous base assumption is that the betrayed spouse knows but is ignoring it. I think not. Complete wishful thinking from the OW/OM...

[RIDINGTHEBULLS1]

Married women are generally desperate and dumpy. They are more concerned about the shame when friends and family find out about affair and impending divorce. Not only are the worried socially, but they have an inkling that can't get anybody else.

[Lynna]

Desperate and dumpy? Thanks for the insult! I am neither of those and would have NO PROBLEM finding someone else. What I am is in love with my husband who is still in love with me. Therefore I am willing to work on our marriage. My family and friends would support me in a minute if they knew about the A, which is why they don't know. They would jump to my defense which would be unproductive in repairing our marriage. Love, it is complicated, messy, sometimes painful, and never perfect, but it is worth it!

[Lizzie60]

Married women are generally desperate and dumpy. They are more concerned about the shame when friends and family find out about affair and impending divorce. Not only are the worried socially, but they have an inkling that can't get anybody else.

 

I would say it is WAYYYY HARDER for a man's pride to be cheated on... THEY ARE the ones who feel the shame when neighbours and friends find out, they are called 'cocus' in French... and that has a very bad connotation... like they can't provide for their wife sexually and she had to go somewhere else...