Different classes within one marriage

[RecordProducer]

Many marriages have a totally unequal distribution of income, i.e. spouses live in different social/financial classes within the same household. While one partner buys expensive toys and spends too much money on fancy hobbies or extra-marital affairs, the other one lives a modest lower-middle class lifestyle, saves on food, clothes, and entertainment. Usually, it's the woman who gets the shorter end, because in many marriages it's the woman that doesn't work. So for the sake of this post, I will use the wife as the "lower" party.

 

This is nothing new and nothing that both spouses are unaware of, but it's being tolerated by the spouse who doesn't work because she feels like she doesn't contribute proportionally or reciprocate in earnings. So she not only does all the housework and takes care of the children, but also gets to live worse than her husband. Often it's HIS own children who share the same lifestyle with their mother.

 

I think the spouse who lives better has three basic reasons/excuses.

1. Disrespect toward his wife,

2. He comforts himself that she doesn't need much or she doesn't deserve much because she doesn't work; i.e. she should be happy that she doesn't need to work and somebody is giving her money. You'll very often hear the stay-at-home mothers called "spoiled, ungrateful, lazy, spending too much of HIS money, not doing anything in life."

3. The poorer SHE lives the better HE will live.

 

I think the basis of this lies in the silent blackmail of what would potentially happen to the financially dependent spouse if they suddenly remained on their own. For as long as they are better off married than unmarried (speaking strictly in monetary and living-standard terms), the independent one will most likely stay cocky.

 

I think there are at least two possible solutions for this imbalance:

1. The wife could become more independent; and

2. She could leave and show the husband that she values herself more than him as in "If you want to do whatever you want, you will lose me."

 

This is very difficult though if you have three kids under 5 and no job or education.

 

Any thoughts and comments? Please don't make this a general issue; I am not stating that this happens to all or most marriages. I only want to discuss the phenomenon that occurs in certain households, regardless of whether it's 1 or 91% of the population. Thank you.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm sure it happens but to me, that's not a real partnership as a marriage should be. Regardless of who earns what, both partners should share equally in the household income and have the same standard of living.

 

When we first married my wife earned about 75% of what I did. At the time, take away child support I was still paying and our net incomes were almost identical. A few years later she retired early with my blessing. Since then I've had raises and promotions and I earn about six times what she receives in retirement.

 

It matters not! She saves and invests what she can (roughly 20% of net) and I save and invest (about 25% of my gross income) each month in preparation for my own retirement three years from next month. We do it together and for one another because we'll both enjoy the end result.

 

This is not and never has been a "his and hers" marriage. It's always been an "ours" marriage. I can't conceive of having it any other way! My wife may bring in a lot less than I do but I consider her a full and equal partner in our futures.

[Touche]

I'm with Curm on this one. We've never had a "his/hers" type of marriage. When we met, my H was not in good financial shape. He gave everything to the ex in return for keeping the house and joint custody. He acquired debt that she was responsible for and still had debt from law school. I helped pay that off. I also cashed out my 401 and put it all on the house. Neither one of us had medical insurance when we first married, so I paid all the expenses associated with my pregnancy and delivery.

 

Now, he's the only bread-winner but if need be, when he retires in ten years, I will go back to work so that he can retire.

 

Just finished typing a very long separation agreement for one of his clients. I answer the phone for his practice and help bring in more clients since he can advertise "Se Habla Espanol."

 

It's always been, and always will be, a team effort with us. We have mutual goals and we need each other to meet them.

 

The "phenomenon" that you speak of, whereby the bread-winner lords that fact over the other spouse is just not a marriage, as far as I'm concerned. It speaks of many problems and issues, other than just financial matters. It speaks to an imbalance in the marriage that probably exists across the board.

[nittygritty]

I agree with Curmudgeon and Touche, this scenerio is not a partnership or marriage. The husband's spending habits and lifestyle has not changed from being single to married with kids. The wife is trying to depend on this husband's leftovers and its not a good bet if he is out spending family money on his expensive toys, hobbies or extramarital affairs.

 

I also agree with you that the wife would have to become independent for the dynamics of this relationship to change. The husband could leave anyway, so it is essential that the wife becomes independent.

 

The wife may wait until the youngest child enters preschool or elementary school but meanwhile she begins to plot her escape due to the resentment of being the only one sacrificing in the marriage and losing all freedom and independence because her husband is still acting single and barely contributing to the family. Physically, emotionally or financially.

 

If the living conditions become intolerable the wife may divorce him before she knows how she will support herself and the kids.

[Trialbyfire]

This scenario says incompatibility because of different objectives and goals in life. It might have been worthwhile to get to know each other better before getting married.