Oh, the ache...

[Sage555]

I came here to post about my long distance relationship gone awry...but saw the topic below "Can I Turn This Around" and am amazed at how alike it is. Almost exactly! Very deep to start...we met in the Caribbean two months ago...believed it to be love at first sight. He told me to start believing in fairy tales because mine was just beginning. He had found "the one". We were amazed by the ease of it, the intensity, that we felt we had known eachother all our lives. We spent endless hours talking. So much in common. We both have spent the majority of our lives on our own, leaving home at an early age...we were so happy to have found a constant, someone to have until the end. We said it was forever, no question. He said of my 10 year old son, who has never known a father figure..."we will make a great team, the three of us...he is included in this fairytale. It will be wonderful for all of us. I love him because he is a part of you. Never forget that". I said to him, in tears, "hey, that's serious ground you are treading! Don't say that unless you are absolutely sure!" He said he was.

 

Three weeks later...

 

I also, like the woman in the other post, asked a lot of questions. Wrote these long emails trying to analyze everything. Always thought he was cheating. He kept reassuring me of his love but saying how much my doubting hurt him. He always said to me that we are together forever, we can work through anything. I think it made me think that I did not have to think about my actions, I could go with my first instinct, thinking he would always be there. That I could place my insecurities on him to fix. We talked every night, he sent constant emails, poetry and text messages saying that he loved me, how amazing and wonderful I was...but if one night he didn't call...I would be worried he was with someone else. But I believed it was up to him to make me feel better about it. Wrong. It's my responsibility to deal with my own baggage. I am the cause and the cure for these imaginings. I know this now. I have to deal with my own insecurities. But, the painful result has been no more emails, texts, i love you's....no more talk of forever. If I was trying to push him away....it worked.

 

I had this lightbulb moment on Sunday, after two days of not really talking, and a lot of soul searching on my part. I stopped pointing fingers at him and looked at what I needed to change. I explained to him that all the doubting I had done...it wasn't him I doubted, but myself. I apologized. I really feel like I have made a breakthrough...and am happy about that. But I am in so much pain that it might be too late. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met.

 

When we talked Sunday I thought everything might be okay...he does still want to be with me. But the distance is evident. Oh, it's so different! He says he likes a lot of time on his own (now all of a sudden?). Where he couldn't sleep before without a call or email before bed...now whole nights will go by and we won't talk. And I lie there and think and ache.

 

He made a lot of comments on Sunday about the fact that this had happened to him before...that his 7 year relationship ended when he helped his ex work through a lot of her emotional issues and she promptly left him for his best friend. I reassured him of my commitment. He said that he shouldn't be making me any promises...that he can't even call when he promises to (it's true, he sometimes forgets). We really have only spoken/IMed a couple brief times since Sunday. I have left him alone. But does he need my reassurance now? He's got his wounds too. Maybe he is scared. Or does he need to miss me? Everything is such a mess. I don't know what to do.

 

He says everything is fine. But I don't feel like it is. We barely talk! I used to be his first priority. Is it my insecurity? I'm trying to deal with it on my own instead of needing to call him. I know, I know...everyone says "Worry about yourself. Do things for yourself. Doesn't matter about him. Make yourself happy". Question: how does that happen? Please don't say go shopping or take a hot bubble bath! It doesn't change my heart - I felt wonderful when I knew everything was okay with us....I feel horrible now that I don't, regardless of whether I am buying myself shoes or not.

 

Have I lost him? How do I get things back the way they were?

 

Here's lyrics of a song that kind of define how I feel:

 

"What I want

Is an explanation

What I need

Is to be released

Because part of me

Is still holding on to you

Because part of me

Likes to feel defeat

 

So what if this whole one thing

Is really real

And I screwed it up

To keep myself away

Because somewhere inside me

I still believe

that I don't deserve

To be loved this way"

 

 

Whoa, this is long. Thanks for listening.

[fork]

if you feel you absolutely need this person to make you float on air, you're not grounding yourself well enough. don't rely on him for your happiness. and for goodness sake, stop dwelling on him! you can still love him AND be a productive human being who doesn't hang by the phone or computer every second.

[Sage555]

I HAVE been completely unproductive since this happened! Falling behind at work even.

 

I agree with you. Any idea how? I do have a very very busy life. But it's been an ongoing theme with me, that my boyfriend becomes too much of a focus in my life. It's just that the thoughts/feelings never leave. They consume me, as you have noticed.

[fork]

log off this forum! go take out the trash. do something mundane. string a bunch of mundane things together. throw yourself into your work, movies, making an elaborate meal for yourself. get a puppy. whatever it takes, find your balance. don't do things like go shopping or taking a bubble bath, which leaves your brain wandering and still doting on him. do something that takes mental concentration, like reading a short book in one sitting. whenever you get the urge and little voices tell you you're losing control of the situation and are dwelling too much on him, get up and bury your mind in a book or gardening or standing on your head or anything. with practice, it'll be easier to strike that balance and find your rythm, then you'll have enough objectivity and not be so darn clingy. practice, practice. start small and go from there.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Actually, you're in the situation you are in because you were wise. You asked yourself questions about him and about yourself that alot of women don't ask when they get into a relationship, believing all the pretty words the guys give them and wonder why he treats them nice in the beginning and like crap as it goes along. The reason why you doubted his faithfulness to you is because you didn't know him well, as beautiful as he may have seem. If you did, then you would make an educated (based on experience with the man or observing him) decision that this was someone that could be trusted.

 

Fairytales are not real. No relationship is a fairytale no matter what he tells you. And any man that's not willing to talk about himself when you ask, or any man that avoids heart to heart conversations is a man that you want to be weary of. If he had good intentions he would be honest with you no matter what you ask him and he would respect how you feel. He said that he lost his other girlfriend when he tried to help her through some things. It seems this guy likes weak women who could depend on him, and when they become independent of him, they leave him. True enough, any woman that has fallen as hard as you have in the short time that you've known him is a woman that could be blinded, and those are the women bad men prey on.

 

Fortunately, you listened to your intuition and left. So don't feel sorry. Because if things have fallen apart between the both of you, that's just evidence that he wasn't worth it.