Can it change?

[EnigmasMuse]

Is there anyone who has been in a situation where their spouse was abusive, verbally and mentally to them, and things got better over time?

 

The reason I ask is, I had learned awhile back a co-worker of mine, who has been married for 12 years, has always said how her husband was a ********* to her, and how he called her names alot over the years. He was pretty much angry alot, and how he never really wanted to spend time with her and the family. He was either watching TV, on the computer, or hanging out with his buddies. She did say there was a time or two he was physically mean to her too.

 

They had been to counseling once in 12 years of being together, and her husband didn't care for what the counselor had to say, because to him he felt he didn't have a problem. So he has not been helped with any of his anger issues etc professionally.

 

She always complained about how unhappy she was, and how she just couldn't take it anymore, but continued to stay. She now has done a complete change. I don't think its something that happeend over night or anything, but she has changed her tune. She now talks of how wonderful he is, how she grows to love him more and more each passing day. How its been a while since he has had an outburst or since he has called her names etc. Don't get me wrong, that is wonderful he hasn't done those things. But he has gone a time before and not done those things, only for it to go right back to the way it was before.

 

She says she really think he has seen the error of his ways now, and feels he wont act the way he has acted towards her for the past 12 years and he is a changed a person.

 

So, I guess my question is, has anyone been in a situation like this, or know of someone who has, and it got better over time without any kind of professional help? This was a person who has really bad anger issues, and was down right mean to her. So is it possible things like that can get better own there own?

[Curmudgeon]

So is it possible things like that can get better own there own?

 

I'm living proof of it. I had anger problems most of my life. I have some idea of why but those aren't important, nor do they excuse it.

 

After divorcing the ex, who had her own set of problems, anger being one of them (great combination, huh?) I decided I didn't really like myself much. Over the next few years I made a concerted effort to figure out why and to make necessary changes to me. Over the long and often painful process I not only came to like myself but to enjoy my own company as well.

 

I truly believe a person can change themselves without outside assistance if they are truly motivated to do so.

[EnigmasMuse]

I'm living proof of it. I had anger problems most of my life. I have some idea of why but those aren't important, nor do they excuse it.

 

After divorcing the ex, who had her own set of problems, anger being one of them (great combination, huh?) I decided I didn't really like myself much. Over the next few years I made a concerted effort to figure out why and to make necessary changes to me. Over the long and often painful process I not only came to like myself but to enjoy my own company as well.

 

I truly believe a person can change themselves without outside assistance if they are truly motivated to do so.

 

 

That is wonderful that you realized you needed to change. :)But it was after your divorce that you realized this? I was meaning someone who could change their ways while still in a marriage without outside help.

 

So you had anger problems that caused you to be hateful, call names and be abusive too?

 

I think its good to you spent some time after your divorce to really think about things and why you acted the way you did. Helped you become a better person and to know to not make the same mistakes with the marriage you're in now.

[PandorasBox]

Did your co worker say why she felt this time was any different from the times before? You had said he had changed before only to go back to the way it was.

 

I think it can change, but it depends on the person and if they feel they have a problem and once they reconize they do, if they truly want to change their ways or not.

[Curmudgeon]

That is wonderful that you realized you needed to change. :)But it was after your divorce that you realized this? I was meaning someone who could change their ways while still in a marriage without outside help.

 

It was during the divorce and I was foolishly hoping for recconciliation and willing to make major changes to me in order to help facilitate it. Thankfully, it didn't work. She was convinced she was perfect and wouldn';t even consider any changes in her. I'm much better off without her than I ever was with her.

 

My changes to me continued for the first couple of years into my present marriage and in some ways I'm still a work in progress. Therefore, I do believe change is possible within the context of a relationship.

 

To answer your questions, when provoked I could get ugly verbally. But never physically!

[EnigmasMuse]

Did your co worker say why she felt this time was any different from the times before? You had said he had changed before only to go back to the way it was.

 

I think it can change, but it depends on the person and if they feel they have a problem and once they reconize they do, if they truly want to change their ways or not.

 

 

Well, I think she feels this time is different because she had mentioned, before he would just say he would change his ways, and didn't call her names or be mean etc for awhile then it would go back. This tims she says his actions seem to be speaking louder than his words. He is more attentive, spends more time with the family, does little things to show her how he feels etc. however, they have a mutual friend who saw them out in a restutrant not to long ago, arguing in public, and he was shouting at her. I guess time will truly tell if he has changed his ways for good.

[EnigmasMuse]

It was during the divorce and I was foolishly hoping for recconciliation and willing to make major changes to me in order to help facilitate it. Thankfully, it didn't work. She was convinced she was perfect and wouldn';t even consider any changes in her. I'm much better off without her than I ever was with her.

 

My changes to me continued for the first couple of years into my present marriage and in some ways I'm still a work in progress. Therefore, I do believe change is possible within the context of a relationship.

 

To answer your questions, when provoked I could get ugly verbally. But never physically!

 

 

That is great! Sounds like you really wanted to change then. You know I admire people who want to change and do change. Most of the time, I would think, people who have really bad anger issues, etc would need outside help to help them begin the changing process, but you sound like you really wanted it bad enough within yourself to makes these changes on your own. You are always so helpful and kind with your advice, would be hard to imagine you going off the deep end with angry words.

[Curmudgeon]

You are always so helpful and kind with your advice, would be hard to imagine you going off the deep end with angry words.

 

However, I did indeed get ugly and far too often.

 

During the "remaking" I decided that I really disliked anger. I now consider it wasted emotional energy that's better put to more pleasant things.

 

This does NOT mean that I don't get angy on occasion but it's more disappointment than rage, short-lived, very controlled and soon put behind me without any of the lashing out that used to accompany it.

 

I like it much better!

[Missy27]

I think a good majority of whether someone can change depends on how quickly they reach emotional maturity. Its like Ladyjayne says's - some people take a good long look in the mirror quite quickly, for others it takes a little longer, for others and very long time and for some, it never happens. Its not just a flash in the pan either. Developing, changing, learning, growing are all lifetime pursuits. People just give up too easily.

 

I also think its very difficult to define emotional abuse nowadays. People's expectations have changed to such a degree that something which once may have seemed acceptable is now deemed as crossing the line. Its one of the common flaws of marriage. Expectation.

 

If someone wants to change, chances are that with a bit of that so called hard work, it could happen. But its got to come from within and its got to be progressive.

[Kislette]

There is the possibility that this guy hasn't changed at all and your co-worker is just in denial. There are a lot of abused partners who carry on about how wonderful and nice their abusers are. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism for someone who finds him or herself unable to find the strength to leave the relationship.