Phoebe Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I've got a couple of questions for you all. 1. I personally think that it is possible to have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, I don't see why a person's gender should make that much of a difference. You either like a person for who they are or you don't, right? But I've also been told by a couple of men that a guy is only interested in a friendship if he's attracted to the other person and wants to take it further. So am I being naive or do these men have a valid point? 2. If your closest friend besides your SO is of the opposite sex just where are the lines drawn between friendship and emotional affair? I've seen several threads lately regarding emotional affairs and it's got me wondering if maybe no matter how innocent a friendship may be, if two people are very close then is their friendship still as damaging as an emotional affair?
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 An emotional affair vampires off the primary relationship. There's usually sexual tension and over-the-line emotions. A friendship enhances.
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Where is Alpha when you need him? Anyway, men and women can't be friends - at least one will end up wanting to hump the other. It's one of nature's most basic laws. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Author Phoebe Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 An emotional affair vampires off the primary relationship. There's usually sexual tension and over-the-line emotions. A friendship enhances. But is it possible to have a close platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex without taking away from the primary relationship? Or is a close platonic friendship an oxymoron, just a breeding ground for an emotional affair to begin?
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 An emotional affair vampires off the primary relationship. There's usually sexual tension and over-the-line emotions. A friendship enhances. Yes, but the "other" kind of friendship (with the sexual tension) can also "enhance." It doesn't always necessarily "vampire" off the primary relationship.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 But is it possible to have a close platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex without taking away from the primary relationship? Or is a close platonic friendship an oxymoron, just a breeding ground for an emotional affair to begin? I do believe that it's possible. And whether it's an "emotional affair" or not is really a subjective matter, IMO. How is a close relationship with a girlfriend (if you're a woman) any different? I know that I'm going to catch hell for that, but that's the way I feel about it.
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 But is it possible to have a close platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex without taking away from the primary relationship? Or is a close platonic friendship an oxymoron, just a breeding ground for an emotional affair to begin? Yes, I have close male friendships which are purely platonic. I view them like brothers. To tease them sometimes, I bring up the subject about uterine linings and they run. Yes, but the "other" kind of friendship (with the sexual tension) can also "enhance." It doesn't always necessarily "vampire" off the primary relationship. I'm going to be honest with you. If someone did that to me, it would be over because it's not something I would do to them.
Enema Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 It's probably possible... but why would you want to? Men are funnier, not demanding, not volatile and usually share the same interests. Sure, women are better to look at... but that's where you get problems and platonic-ness runs out the door.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Yes, I have close male friendships which are purely platonic. I view them like brothers. To tease them sometimes, I bring up the subject about uterine linings and they run. I'm going to be honest with you. If someone did that to me, it would be over because it's not something I would do to them. I completely understand that, TBF. I do. But you really can't say how you'd be if you were married for a very long time and in your 40's. You just don't know. I've never cheated on my H and never, never will. Do I flirt sometimes? Yes. Do I go over the line sometimes? Well, some might think so. But I don't. I can sleep at night.
Author Phoebe Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Where is Alpha when you need him? Anyway, men and women can't be friends - at least one will end up wanting to hump the other. It's one of nature's most basic laws. Sorry to burst your bubble. My bubble isn't burst yet I'm going to wait to read more replies before admitting that I'm in a naive minority here. I also think it will be interesting to see if men and women answer differently.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 It's probably possible... but why would you want to? Men are funnier, not demanding, not volatile and usually share the same interests. Sure, women are better to look at... but that's where you get problems and platonic-ness runs out the door. You only get problems if you ALLOW it to become a problem. It's that simple in my book.
Lizzie60 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I've got a couple of questions for you all. 1. I personally think that it is possible to have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, I don't see why a person's gender should make that much of a difference. You either like a person for who they are or you don't, right? But I've also been told by a couple of men that a guy is only interested in a friendship if he's attracted to the other person and wants to take it further. So am I being naive or do these men have a valid point? 2. If your closest friend besides your SO is of the opposite sex just where are the lines drawn between friendship and emotional affair? I've seen several threads lately regarding emotional affairs and it's got me wondering if maybe no matter how innocent a friendship may be, if two people are very close then is their friendship still as damaging as an emotional affair? A platonic friendship is possible... no doubt about it...but in order to be possible there should be no sexual expectations from both partners. I have a few platonic friends... I told them right off the bat, that if they want to remain my friend, they had to stop the sexual 'begging' so to speak... they did. One of them I see occasionnally, maybe once or twice a year, we talk on the phone or email... he is about 2 hours away... he was my first lover when I left my first ex... we even sleep in the same bed but do nothing... not even kiss. So it is doable... I guess it's easier for women than men... The best platonic frienship is with a gay guy... this is the best.
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I completely understand that, TBF. I do. But you really can't say how you'd be if you were married for a very long time and in your 40's. You just don't know. I've never cheated on my H and never, never will. Do I flirt sometimes? Yes. Do I go over the line sometimes? Well, some might think so. But I don't. I can sleep at night. Each couple has their line in the sand. If both partners are comfortable with the line, then there's no issue.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Each couple has their line in the sand. If both partners are comfortable with the line, then there's no issue. Very good point. And to be honest, my H has NOT been always comfortable with where my line is compared to where his lies. I think mine is close to the line sometimes but he thinks I've been over that line. I think his line is WAY too far back. And I don't feel that I've ever really crossed the line. This is precisely the issue that brought me to LS. But I've been helped a lot here in this regard. I no longer flirt in real life. That's completely behind me now. Gosh, I don't want to make this about me. It's complicated.
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 It's probably possible... but why would you want to? Men are funnier, not demanding, not volatile and usually share the same interests. Sure, women are better to look at... but that's where you get problems and platonic-ness runs out the door. This is enlightening... How very condescending. I have both male and female friends. I value them in different ways and share a different set of interests with each gender. I wouldn't discuss fashion and makeup with my male friends and never share car talk with my female friends.
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 My bubble isn't burst yet I'm going to wait to read more replies before admitting that I'm in a naive minority here. That's what the naive minority usually do. I support your decision. Listen, there's no point trying to go against the laws of nature. You may get away with it for a while, but it will catch up with you - just look at Steve Irwin. It's simple enough. Girls just want to have fun, but boys just want to have sex.
Yamaha Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 It's possible providing you're not to close, your both not single and you know the expectations of the friendship. If you spend to much time together one of you ( usually the man ) will start to see you as a good gf if he is attracted to you. Women have a much easier time of having a just friendship with a male because they see things differently from men. Many times the friendship was started by the man because he was attracted to the women. If the women isn't attracted she sees him as a nice male friend. Guys can grow to be in-love with their female friends (even if he wasn't real attracted from the beginning ) but women usually do not grow to be in-love with their guy friends.If you read the friends posts it is usually a man that has fallen for his best girl friend and not the other way around. Nice thought but it usually causes problems if you become to close with a friend of the opposite sex.
LoveLace Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Well for anyone who's familiar with my platonic-friend-roommate situation, gotta respond to this thread! I think if you have an SO, and close friends of the opposite sex too, it's ok to extent. But if your SO seems to think your spending too much time with your friend or is getting concerned about your relationship with them, you take measures to assure them they are your #1 priority. But it's up to you, to decide if your SO is just being too jealous, or if you are really giving the wrong impression about your "friend". This is where it gets complicated. I have also heard that men don't purposely make "friends" with a woman, to "just be friends"...more than likely he's attracted, but it's still possible to grow to see the friendship as just that, because once people get to know each other, etc, they might no longer see romance as an option. Then they date other people, etc, and jealousy kicks in. It's hard to know if the jealousy is just a normal feeling, or if it's for a deeper reason. Then there's a question of exactly what is the meaning of this friendship anyway? Almost like, once people have already been dating a while, there eventually comes a point where someone asks, "where is this going?" I think platonic friendships, close ones, go through the same thing at times. I'd say I'm going through it right now...
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 So the genders think with different brains. And they say females are emotional...
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 So the genders think with different brains. And they say females are emotional... Yes, the genders thinks with different brains, as you say. And both ARE emotional, but in different ways.
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Yes, the genders thinks with different brains, And which brains does you thinks with?
Yamaha Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 once people have already been dating a while, there eventually comes a point where someone asks, "where is this going?" I think platonic friendships, close ones, go through the same thing at times. I'd say I'm going through it right now... Exactly. Men see romance as the next step but women feel brotherly about their male friends and think it's "yucky" if he has feelings for them.
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Exactly. Men see romance as the next step but women feel brotherly about their male friends and think it's "yucky" if he has feelings for them. Exactly, exactly. Women have put them in the friend zone, but the men are still so horny they could burst. She's feeling yucky, and he's thinking sticky.
halfarock Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I have a friend, and with the exception of my girlfriend and my children, she is my very best friend and has been for several years. We had sex with each other each of the first four days we knew each other but there really wasn’t any sparks and it pretty much ended by the fifth day. But in the ensuing months we kept running into each other and every time we would end up hanging out, talking, just the two of us. As far as I can tell there never was any sexual tension. There was just something about us getting along well. One day she told me that she’s always had a hard time making friends, that it was because she was a tomboy and preferred hanging out with guys doing guy things rather than hanging out with girls doing girl things. But the problem was that every guy that she ever hung out with wanted to have sex with her. She told me that she really liked hanging out with me and that it would be nice to have a guy friend where sex was never an issue. We’ve been very close ever since. My girlfriend and my friend’s boyfriend have no problem with us being friends. Hanging out with her is, in a way, like hanging out with my adult daughter. When I hear guys saying that you can’t be friends with women, it makes me wonder if I’m just enlightened, maybe it’s just that I’ve discovered that I can communicate much easier with women then men. Actually, the whole of my inner circle, with the exception of my son, are all women.
Dumbledore Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I have a friend, Excellent. We had sex with each other Even better. When I hear guys saying that you can’t be friends with women, it makes me wonder if I’m just enlightened, OK. Let me clarify. If you bang your friend silly, and get all the sexual tension out of your system, then maybe - just maybe - you can be friends. But the sex (and lots of it) must come first. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to make an important point.
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