Can a man and a woman ever be JUST good friends?

[the D]

Unless you are asexual then you are going to see the opposite sex as a sexual being.

Precisely.

[Pyro]

You can't deny the basic biology on which the entire human race is founded. Relationships between men and women are primarily sexual. Of course men and women can be friends, but there is always one side of the friendship that is imbalanced. Just because you are on the side that doesn't have the problem, it doesn't mean there isn't one. The sexual undercurrent is invariably there.

 

it doesn't mean that there is one either. How are we to know what the other person is thinking or feeling?

[McFadden]

The truth is that you don't. If you don't feel that way, then they do. It's as simple as that.

 

If not all men are attracted to all women, and not all women are attracted to all men, then why do you think its impossible for two of the ones who aren't attracted to each other to run into each other and like each other on a personal level?

 

It is rare, most of the times something else is going on IMO. The only person I think I really have a deep platonic relationship with no undercurrent, is my best friend who I go way back in the day with. I think its been proven over the years that there's no undercurrent because we have been drunk, high and everything in between together and rambled about our honest feelings about the situation and we just are not attracted. I have a lot of friends I hang out with but with most of them its more shallow, but I know if one of us was getting beaten up the other would run for the hills without looking back. A couple of good friends you can trust your life with is better than none though. Well now I am off on some random tangent.

[Yamaha]

If not all men are attracted to all women, and not all women are attracted to all men, then why do you think its impossible for two of the ones who aren't attracted to each other to run into each other and like each other on a personal level?

 

It is rare, most of the times something else is going on IMO. The only person I think I really have a deep platonic relationship with no undercurrent, is my best friend who I go way back in the day with. I think its been pr oven over the years that there's no undercurrent because we have been drunk, high and everything in between together and rambled about our honest feelings about the situation and we just are not attracted. I have a lot of friends I hang out with but with most of them its more shallow, but I know if one of us was getting beaten up the other would run for the hills without looking back. A couple of good friends you can trust your life with is better than none though. Well now I am off on some random tangent.

 

 

Usually if their is no attraction the friendship would never be formed. Your long term friendship probably formed out of childhood proximity or some other way you were thrown together so you formed a bond without the usual sexual interest. Sometimes people just decide that they would rather have you as a friend then a lover so you can develop that friendship and not want to move it to the next level. People are complicated and their reasons are just a varied and complicated.

[Trialbyfire]

Usually if their is no attraction the friendship would never be formed. Your long term friendship probably formed out of childhood proximity or some other way you were thrown together so you formed a bond without the usual sexual interest. Sometimes people just decide that they would rather have you as a friend then a lover so you can develop that friendship and not want to move it to the next level. People are complicated and their reasons are just a varied and complicated.

There are actually men out there who can be friends, with or without the sexual interest. Perhaps this is your personal opinion but I don't think it fair that you generalize all men.

 

I enjoy the gender difference with my close male friends but I most certainly don't see them as sexual creatures and none of us are asexual, which is why everyone of us got married at one point or another. Hell, if I was asexual, life would have been so much easier in the past year.

 

Using your theory of always viewing the opposite gender as sexual beings, this would mean that our immediate and extended family units should be viewed as such.

 

Sorry but my b/s flag just went down...

[halfarock]

Unless you are asexual then you are going to see the opposite sex as a sexual being. It doesn't mean your attracted to them or that you would act on it if you were but you recognize they are a sexual being, just as you are.

Even your mother, your grandmother, and a 500 lb woman waddling down the street.

[halfarock]

Usually if there is no attraction the friendship would never be formed.

So, to take this line of reasoning to its logical conclusion then two friends of the same sex would also have to be attracted to each other in order for a friendship to be formed wouldn’t they?

[McFadden]

Usually if their is no attraction the friendship would never be formed. Your long term friendship probably formed out of childhood proximity or some other way you were thrown together so you formed a bond without the usual sexual interest. Sometimes people just decide that they would rather have you as a friend then a lover so you can develop that friendship and not want to move it to the next level. People are complicated and their reasons are just a varied and complicated.

 

I guess its a proximity friendship, but every friendship is a proximity friendship to some extent, and this one is just more so. We still decided to become friends rather than with the other 4500 people at the high school. He is one of the only few people I feel comfortable to be 100% myself around but there is no codependence or emotional whatever you call it, and we have only been in one argument in like 6 years..

 

So I guess this is the Only opposite sex friendship I have where I can say with definity that it would be yucky if feelings developed..I have almost been adopted by his family, I have gone on many trips with them and stayed with them over the years so it would almost literally be like a family member. Usually I don't get it when women say it would be yucky to hook up with someone just because they are friends. I have some hot friends hahah.

[Steveto]

I believe that a man and a woman can just be very good friends and just that, but there needs to be a mental line I guess you could say.

 

I have 2 suchs friends, though I don't talk to them much anymore because I'm overseas..also because one got married and moved to the other side of the country. IT has NOTHING to do with how attractive they are because both are very attractive..one is a professional cheerleader and the other ..well, every time we go out together, all my friends keep asking me to get her number for them (I have also know her since she was 6..she is now 25 and I am 32).."I" just don't look at them that way. I'm not fugly either..only physical knock I have is that I'm not a tall guy. They are almost like sisters to me...not quite the same way. They both have NO problem telling me personal details of their lives as I don't have problems telling them.

 

I'll give you another example of how a man and a woman can have a platonic relationship without the sex...usually in sports this happens..especially ones that require both men and women to compete together and you have to rely on each other to meet your goals. Yes, this is a professional nature, but you have to KNOW your partner ...know how they think, know their strengths and weaknesses...ultimately, you end up knowing all about them, but you also have respect for them as a peer, as a person and as your backup..basically...it gets you to a point where you have ultimate trust in them...Yes, I am speaking from experience..if you can't trust your partner..you won't win...it's almost as if we were married, but not married...I can't explain it, but if you were ever involved in these kinds of sports...you will know what I mean.

[kimba]

I've got a couple of questions for you all.

 

1. I personally think that it is possible to have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex,

 

 

From what I have observed, and from my own experience it is only possible for a male and female to have a long lasting and meaningful friendship if the guy is gay and the girl is a lesbian.

 

Sorry. But otherwise the whole attraction thing comes into it, and if one party isn't interested the whole thing ends in tears.

[Lizzie60]

I had male friends (platonic) since I was in high school... The fact remain that it is possible...

 

If one of them happens to think about sex from time to time, but keep it for him|herself... and it does not create a conflict, the friendship can remain platonic for life.

 

Even if there were sexual 'thoughts' that doesn't mean that the platonic friendship is not possible...

[Yamaha]

Even your mother, your grandmother, and a 500 lb woman waddling down the street.

 

 

Are you really this dense?

[Yamaha]

So, to take this line of reasoning to its logical conclusion then two friends of the same sex would also have to be attracted to each other in order for a friendship to be formed wouldn’t they?

 

The post is on OPPOSITE SEX friendships. HELLO DINGBAT ,,,,,,,,,

[Yamaha]

There are actually men out there who can be friends, with or without the sexual interest. Perhaps this is your personal opinion but I don't think it fair that you generalize all men.

 

I enjoy the gender difference with my close male friends but I most certainly don't see them as sexual creatures and none of us are asexual, which is why everyone of us got married at one point or another. Hell, if I was asexual, life would have been so much easier in the past year.

 

Using your theory of always viewing the opposite gender as sexual beings, this would mean that our immediate and extended family units should be viewed as such.

 

Sorry but my b/s flag just went down...

 

I'm sorry if it bugs you that a male friend can have a sexual interest in you. It doesn't mean that all men like their female friends and want more. You just have a problem with this topic so I suggest you let people with an open mind discuss it without your BS.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry if it bugs you that a male friend can have a sexual interest in you. It doesn't mean that all men like their female friends and want more. You just have a problem with this topic so I suggest you let people with an open mind discuss it without your BS.

Finally, an admittance of erroneous generalized statements on behalf of all men... Might I recommend a little less angst?

[oppath]

Yes, I can be just good friends with women, however, most of the women I am good friends with...I am attracted to them, sexually and mentally. There are a few women who there sexual attraction does not exist and I am good friends, but to be honest, one reason for the friendship was always the possibility of meeting cool people through them who I did feel sexual attraction towards.

 

Now, this does not mean I would act on my sexual desires. I can make a conscious choice to refrain from getting too close. I would date several of my female friends but I don't have feelings for them, I'm just attracted to them and if they were single, my stance is that I can't CONTRIVE the relationship to develop. It just has to happen. Therefore, I don't dwell on it, I don't plot it out, I hardly give it a second thought.

 

There is a girl back in my real town (I'm away for a couple more months) who is a couple months single; when she started dating her old bf 2 years ago we were flirting HEAVILY but I knew the guy so I bowed out of the race. There has always been an undercurrent there. I actually kissed her (drunkenly) last weekend on vacation; she did not pull away. When I get back, I intend to hang out with her and see if something is there. Despite knowing her a couple years, I honestly have no idea if we are compatible as a couple. The thing is, I can not contrive the relationship. I can't force it. I could court her, but I do value the friendship. All I can do is hang out with her and see if things happen naturally. I would choose to do this, or I could choose to just be friends and not act on any urge. The undercurrent would be there, but we could just be friends.

 

I'd say I have 2 female friends where the undercurrent exists for every 1 where it does not.

[underpants]

I've got a couple of questions for you all.

 

1. I personally think that it is possible to have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, I don't see why a person's gender should make that much of a difference. You either like a person for who they are or you don't, right? But I've also been told by a couple of men that a guy is only interested in a friendship if he's attracted to the other person and wants to take it further. So am I being naive or do these men have a valid point?

 

2. If your closest friend besides your SO is of the opposite sex just where are the lines drawn between friendship and emotional affair? I've seen several threads lately regarding emotional affairs and it's got me wondering if maybe no matter how innocent a friendship may be, if two people are very close then is their friendship still as damaging as an emotional affair?

 

My take on this is that it is very possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex. As with any friendship you would want to choose wisely, that is don't get too close to someone who might threaten your primary relationship (regardless of where an attraction might lie). I have friends of both genders and the last thing I would want is to come between any couple that I know. I guess if the issue of attraction came up (not in all cases) then it was dealt with and we salvaged a friendship, or it was decided to remain a little distant to each other.

 

Some friendships don't last forever, nor do some relationships. It comes down to choices and commitment. Easier typed then done.

 

Maturity and the desire to value your partner and your relationship over the needs or attraction to a friend might be worth some consideration. Honest communication and the ability to address issues and solve them before they get out of hand might also be a good thing to do.

 

Regards,

Unders

[sockpuppet]

I think they put it better in "When Harry Met Sally:"

 

from www.imdb.com:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns: I guess not.

Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

The only thing I don't agree with in that is men wanting to have sex with girls they are not attracted to as well. I have a friend from my first year of college who is my best friend here, and she and I have never had romantic feelings, but a few times we wondered if we were both crossing the line. I've never really been attracted to her, so it's not an issue.

 

Also I think there's a distinction that needs to be made. There's a difference between being CLOSE/BEST friends and just friends. Men and women can surely just be friends, since any attraction there is doesn't really build into desire unless you spend a LOT of time with the person, especially one-on-one.

 

Other things can make it possible for a man and a woman to be good friends though...such as a long history or emotional background they share that makes it impossible for one to see the other in a romantic way for one reason or another, or as someone else mentioned, forced proximity over a period of time. In general though, I don't think it's possible for a man to be good friends with a woman he is attracted to. A guy will NEVER initiate moves to become friends with a girl based out of the thought, "gee I think she will make a great friend!" His actions to forward the relationship would definitely out of interest in her and a desire for something more.

 

Example: My ex met a guy on a cruise when she was a teenager. She only talked to him for a few minutes at the end of the cruise. A few months later, he found her online (kinda creepy, he found her name on a snorkeling manifest) and pretended that it was a coincidence. They became 'pen pals' and talked a lot over the next couple years. Eventually he admitted to her that he had found her name on a list and contacted her because he thought she was attractive. As time went on, he tried to get her to go out to his state to visit him a bunch of times while we were dating. She and I always clashed over his intentions with her. She thought he was just a good friend. I told her this was ridiculous, as it's hard enough to maintain a friendship based in proximity, and this guy had an ulterior motive from the beginning. Anyways, eventually she admitted it could be possible but she didn't want to.

 

Friendships can develop, but you have to look at the circumstances and what the guy is doing. If he's the one pushing things forward, chances are he wants something more. The more of a "best friend/brother" he acts like early on, the more likely he's just afraid of rejection and trying to get the girl to fall for his personality. Guys who act like they don't have these feelings are likely in denial. Friendship is possible, but I think women especially are loathe to accept the idea that their best male 'friends' may not be in it entirely for the friendship. There are varying levels of attraction and desire though, so just because a guy is you're friend it doesn't mean he's thinking about getting in your pants every day.

[halfarock]

Are you really this dense?

The post is on OPPOSITE SEX friendships. HELLO DINGBAT ,,,,,,,,,

I show you the logical absurdity of your line of reasoning and you come back with nothing but insults. And then you completely contradict everything you’ve said with;

It doesn't mean that all men like their female friends and want more.

The fact does remain that men and women can be and are friends without sexual attraction. All my life I’ve had female friends without sexual attraction. In fact very few women turn me on at all. Clearly something emotionally happens around certain women, but it’s really rare.

 

Ever so often I’ll be hanging out with a group of men and they’ll be evaluating every woman that comes along as to her sexual desirability. So, clearly there are guys that can only see women as objects of their sexual urges, but not all men are like this, and certainly not me. Maybe you can’t see the value in a woman beyond sex but I can.

[LoveLace]

Chris Rock once said, "a platonic friend to a female is a guy she hasn't f*ckd...a platonic friend to a male is a friend he just hasn't f*ckd YET...a platonic friend to a woman is like a d*ck in a glass case...break open in case of emergency!"

[doiask42much]

I couldn't be CLOSE friends with someone of the opposite sex. Even not close friends is iffy. I think it's this way for most people, but I concede that some small number of people might be able to do it.

 

In most cases, though, they've become friends because of some attraction on one party's part. And if circumstances allow (drunk, breakup with SO, other vulnerability), who knows what could happen? Seems unwise to me, unless you're actually both single. Then I guess it doesn't really matter, unless you care about the outcome of the friendship.

[Yamaha]

I show you the logical absurdity of your line of reasoning and you come back with nothing but insults. And then you completely contradict everything you’ve said with; The fact does remain that men and women can be and are friends without sexual attraction. All my life I’ve had female friends without sexual attraction. In fact very few women turn me on at all. Clearly something emotionally happens around certain women, but it’s really rare.

 

Ever so often I’ll be hanging out with a group of men and they’ll be evaluating every woman that comes along as to her sexual desirability. So, clearly there are guys that can only see women as objects of their sexual urges, but not all men are like this, and certainly not me. Maybe you can’t see the value in a woman beyond sex but I can.

 

I never said all men see women as only sexual objects. That would be a ridiculous statement and untrue. I said that it is hard to keep a platonic relationship platonic if 2 people get close as one of them probably wants more. I find it interesting that you find so few women sexually attractive. I'm sorry that us men embarrass you by our sexual interest in women. You probably make a very good platonic friend for women and I'm sure they feel safe around you. This is not my thread, I'm telling my views. I would suggest you express your views to the poster since you take such offense to others opinions.

[Storyrider]

I think this is really simple. Men and women can be friends. However, in almost every case, at least one of them is sexually and/or romantically attracted. If that attraction gets too strong, it ruins the friendship, but if it can be kept to a controllable level the friendship can continue on for quite some time. This is especially true if one or both are committed to someone they find more attractive than the friend.

 

Or, conversely, it turns to romance and the friendship goes away. If this happens within five to ten minutes, one must assume the friendship was doomed from the start.

[Aussie65]

I have remained acquaintances with some ex's but that is all.My ex bf of 5 years called me up out of the blue last week knowing I am in a relationship and what does he tell me....he still loves me so what do I say to him?You need to move on and as far as contact goes now that I know his feelings are still there I will put more distance between us as I am in a relationship...simple.

I could not think of anything worse then sitting at a table with an old female friend of my boyfriends thinking about their love making days...now come on one would have to think about that right or am I abnormal?I would be wondering if he is still lusting her...would he watch her ass as she bends over to pick something up....would he try and jump her bones if the opportunity arose?....alcohol,a shoulder to cry on sometimes can lead to many regrets right?.

If just friends and no more...sure but why should he have to hang out with her when he has me?and if she were single I think that would be far worse.

Not trusting anymore not even a so called friend especially if he has bonked her...no way!

 

 

adding on here...I am now friends with one of these so called friends of my boyfriends so we are talking this morning and she tells me how he and her met through a friend my boyfriend was dating so then she goes on to tell me that one night she went out with my bf and they kissed but at that time she was with someone else so both decided not to go any further..

NOW...she went on to tell me that if she were not in a relationship they would have taken it further as they were into each other so now that I know the true nature of their so called friendship what am I to think?This girl he has told me was just a friend but there was more heartfelt feelings here as she told me........question is now...would you trust those two together?He said just friends no more but I find out they really liked each other...goes to show you how men and women will cover up things huh?

[guitar71]

But is it possible to have a close platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex without taking away from the primary relationship? Or is a close platonic friendship an oxymoron, just a breeding ground for an emotional affair to begin?

 

You may think it is possible - but I do not believe that it works. My wife has a close male platonic friend - I do not think that she is cheating on me - but it is still miserable for me. I do not mind her female friends, or if she had gay male friends.

 

Casual friends is probably ok - but a deep friendship with a member of the opposite sex greatly interferes with your marriage or committed relationship.