Can a man and a woman ever be JUST good friends?

[McFadden]

Casual friends is probably ok - but a deep friendship with a member of the opposite sex greatly interferes with your marriage or committed relationship.

 

If you have an overly jealous partner. This is the case with my parents, and sometimes I would like to tell my mom I think she should grow some balls so to speak and have whatever friends she wants.

 

I mean seriously, I don't know what I would be expected to do if I got into a serious relationship, just randomly ditch my best friend and some of my other friends?

[mental_traveller]

I think men generally can only have platonic friendships with women in limited circumstances. If the woman is attractive and interesting, pretty much all straight men will at some point want to bone her. The three varieties of friendship I've experienced are like this:

 

1) Where I have no sexual attraction to the woman whatsoever (e.g. if she is a 60 year old grandmother, or a 300 lbs Rosie O'Donnell lookalike). Here I can be friends because I'd never dream of trying to bed her.

2) Where the sexual attraction was mostly curiosity or the drive to get a "conquest", but I've already slept with her and no longer have any interest in doing so. In this case, if she's fun to be around then I'll stay friends platonically. The sexual tension has gone because we've already done it.

3) Where I like the woman mainly because I am attracted, yet for some reason a relationship is not on the cards e.g. she is dating someone, or I am, or she is not interested sexually, or is otherwise off-limits (e.g. work colleague, client etc). In this case, it can never be a sincere platonic friendship because my main interest is to have sex with her, or at least enjoy some sexually charged flirting. None of which is remotely platonic.

 

IMO in situation 1) the woman usually ends up falling for you, and it then ruins the friendship. In situation 3) it's the guy who falls for the woman, and again it screws things up. Either you eventually shag her and ruin it, or you never get to and it drives you up the wall. I've found the only time I really get a lasting female friendship is when I've already slept with a woman, or had a relationship with her. For example, I always end up getting on better with my exes about a year or more after I break up with them, than I did during the relationship.

 

As for the woman's perspective, IMO most of their male friends are group 3) types. The woman just doesn't realise it. My previous gf had a lot of male friends, and I informed her that 90% of these were only friends because they wanted to get into her pants, or at least be around an attractive woman. She was sceptical at first, but sure enough they one by one reveled their true intentions, which rather shocked and repelled her. The ones who are genuine are easy for a guy to spot. So, if you're a woman and have male friends, ask your bf which of your guy friends does he think fancy you, and which aren't remotely interested. He'll generally give an accurate answer.

 

As for why guys can't be friends with women, it's very simple, nature programmed us to sleep with any woman we find attractive. So the only way you are going to get a sincere friend is if the guy just doesn't rate you enough to fancy you.

[2sunny]

i have several male friends - always will have them around me.

 

developed the friendships while i was married - so we always did things as a foursome.

 

now i'm divorced - but still very close friends with the same couples. many times i feel closer to the men than the women.

 

no need for any of them to wonder about the line being crossed as they know exactly where they stand... and that is why the women don't get upset or threatened by my friendship with their hubby.

 

i think it is that line being perfectly clear that makes the friendships last. it's a mutual respect that brings the cards to the table.

[The Velvet Vixen]

I recently started what I thought was a friendship with a guy on campus, and it ended pretty badly. I thought he just wanted to be friends, because that's the word he kept on using over and over from the time we met ("I'd like us to be friends"..."I see you as a good friend") etc. It was all lies, apparently, because one day he insisted on taking the bus with me to see the area I lived in—and my apartment. Before giving me a chance to respond to his self-invitation, he got a call on his cell phone and cancelled some appointment he'd made for that day. I allowed myself a few minutes of feeling flustered and guilty before I took him aside and let him know that I was in a relationship and it would be inappropriate for him to come with me to my apartment. He'd had a smile on his face, but when I said this, I saw his face just drop like I'd reached into his chest and ripped out his heart and spit on it, and he left quickly. He e-mailed me two days later to say we couldn't be friends anymore. That time it was slightly my fault because I should have mentioned the relationship immediately, but he didn't ask, and I couldn't think of a way of bringing it up without it sounding like I was assuming he had a romantic/sexual interest in me. It was more his fault for being dishonest. Therefore, all he got out of the whole thing was a broken heart, and I got my feelings hurt thinking that his interest was only physical and not in me as a complete person (which is important to me, since I used to have insecurities about my personality, and very occasionally they still creep up on me like giant, evil cockroaches, before I quickly squash them).

 

 

There was a much worse situation three years ago where I assumed that a guy I barely knew wouldn't be interested in having anything with me since he was the boyfriend of a good friend, and he knew that I was in a serious relationship of a few years with a guy. Wrong...and I almost paid dearly for it. He tricked his way into my dorm room with a sob story about how bored and lonely he was due to his GF leaving him alone in her room for two hours while she went to class. He conveniently left out the fact that he wanted to hoped to relieve the boredom by having sex with me while his GF was away, so I let him into the room. He tried to force himself on me in a sexual manner, even after I repeatedly refused. He did give up before achieving his purpose, though, due to my repeated refusals. After I had him kicked out of the building, my "friend" chose him over me, and never spoke to me again.

 

 

I like the idea of guy friends, but (speaking only for myself) it never seems to work out for me. It's a real headache and IMO, not worth it trying to analyze whether this or that thing that he said or didn't say, did or didn't do, signifies that he actually had a secret romantic or sexual interest after all...so I'll pass. I'm sticking with the girls (for friendship). Therefore in answer to the original question, I think it's possible, but extremely difficult. It's great that some (straight) people here have been able to have good friends of the opposite sex. I think you can expand your mind more by having that type of platonic relationship—if you can pull it off. I think that people who attempt to speak for all men or all women—as if these groups are some sort of monolith, like those supposed racial monoliths—are really only speaking for themselves and maybe people they know. The person who brought up bi people made an important point.

[Yamaha]

I recently started what I thought was a friendship with a guy on campus, and it ended pretty badly. I thought he just wanted to be friends, because that's the word he kept on using over and over from the time we met ("I'd like us to be friends"..."I see you as a good friend") etc. It was all lies, apparently, because one day he insisted on taking the bus with me to see the area I lived in—and my apartment. Before giving me a chance to respond to his self-invitation, he got a call on his cell phone and cancelled some appointment he'd made for that day. I allowed myself a few minutes of feeling flustered and guilty before I took him aside and let him know that I was in a relationship and it would be inappropriate for him to come with me to my apartment. He'd had a smile on his face, but when I said this, I saw his face just drop like I'd reached into his chest and ripped out his heart and spit on it, and he left quickly. He e-mailed me two days later to say we couldn't be friends anymore. That time it was slightly my fault because I should have mentioned the relationship immediately, but he didn't ask, and I couldn't think of a way of bringing it up without it sounding like I was assuming he had a romantic/sexual interest in me. It was more his fault for being dishonest. Therefore, all he got out of the whole thing was a broken heart, and I got my feelings hurt thinking that his interest was only physical and not in me as a complete person (which is important to me, since I used to have insecurities about my personality, and very occasionally they still creep up on me like giant, evil cockroaches, before I quickly squash them).

 

 

There was a much worse situation three years ago where I assumed that a guy I barely knew wouldn't be interested in having anything with me since he was the boyfriend of a good friend, and he knew that I was in a serious relationship of a few years with a guy. Wrong...and I almost paid dearly for it. He tricked his way into my dorm room with a sob story about how bored and lonely he was due to his GF leaving him alone in her room for two hours while she went to class. He conveniently left out the fact that he wanted to hoped to relieve the boredom by having sex with me while his GF was away, so I let him into the room. He tried to force himself on me in a sexual manner, even after I repeatedly refused. He did give up before achieving his purpose, though, due to my repeated refusals. After I had him kicked out of the building, my "friend" chose him over me, and never spoke to me again.

 

 

I like the idea of guy friends, but (speaking only for myself) it never seems to work out for me. It's a real headache and IMO, not worth it trying to analyze whether this or that thing that he said or didn't say, did or didn't do, signifies that he actually had a secret romantic or sexual interest after all...so I'll pass. I'm sticking with the girls (for friendship). Therefore in answer to the original question, I think it's possible, but extremely difficult. It's great that some (straight) people here have been able to have good friends of the opposite sex. I think you can expand your mind more by having that type of platonic relationship—if you can pull it off. I think that people who attempt to speak for all men or all women—as if these groups are some sort of monolith, like those supposed racial monoliths—are really only speaking for themselves and maybe people they know. The person who brought up bi people made an important point.

 

These guys were never your friend and had no intention of developing a friendship with you. You shouldn't feel bad about the loss of these so-called friends. If you want to tell a guy about your bf but feel awkward about bring it up, when he asks what you did last night or over the weekend tell him you did (this) with your bf and he will get the message.

[Nemo]

These guys were never your friend and had no intention of developing a friendship with you. You shouldn't feel bad about the loss of these so-called friends. If you want to tell a guy about your bf but feel awkward about bring it up, when he asks what you did last night or over the weekend tell him you did (this) with your bf and he will get the message.

Great advice, there.

[The Velvet Vixen]

These guys were never your friend and had no intention of developing a friendship with you. You shouldn't feel bad about the loss of these so-called friends. If you want to tell a guy about your bf but feel awkward about bring it up, when he asks what you did last night or over the weekend tell him you did (this) with your bf and he will get the message.

Thanks, that's a good idea. I'll keep that in mind for the future, if I ever get the silly idea of attempting to be friends with a guy again, lol (maybe when I'm in my thirties and more likely to meet guys who have their hormones more under control). I realize now that they weren't really my friends...especially the girl in the second situation who chose a guy who would not only cheat but try to rape, over me. Her BF was not my friend (I was open to friendship, but barely knew him) but I sure did think she was.

 

People who are looking for opposite-sex friends definitely need to be very careful and not naïve. Sometimes the situation can be hurtful or even dangerous. I hope I'm not scaring people by my experiences though (the other experiences I had were more harmless, i.e. I avoided the guys once I realized they were interested, like McFadden does. I've never been on the other end of the situation, because I don't make friends with guys I'm attracted to). I think it can be a good thing if people are able to do it--but definitely handle with care!

[Yamaha]

Thanks, that's a good idea. I'll keep that in mind for the future, if I ever get the silly idea of attempting to be friends with a guy again, lol (maybe when I'm in my thirties and more likely to meet guys who have their hormones more under control). I realize now that they weren't really my friends...especially the girl in the second situation who chose a guy who would not only cheat but try to rape, over me. Her BF was not my friend (I was open to friendship, but barely knew him) but I sure did think she was.

 

People who are looking for opposite-sex friends definitely need to be very careful and not naïve. Sometimes the situation can be hurtful or even dangerous. I hope I'm not scaring people by my experiences though (the other experiences I had were more harmless, i.e. I avoided the guys once I realized they were interested, like McFadden does. I've never been on the other end of the situation, because I don't make friends with guys I'm attracted to). I think it can be a good thing if people are able to do it--but definitely handle with care!

 

It really is a shame that friendships are ruined by someone's interest in you. I can understand that things are awkward because you realize they see you as a potential gf but it doesn't mean you have to stop the association with them. Some guys have the unfortunate problem of becoming friends with a girl and when you spend lots of time together they're feelings grow out of respect for her ( as well as the attraction ). It would be ideal if it worked both ways but many times the feelings are one-sided and it creates hard feelings and guilt. Just try to be gentle in your rejection.

[McFadden]

So, if you're a woman and have male friends, ask your bf which of your guy friends does he think fancy you, and which aren't remotely interested. He'll generally give an accurate answer.

 

I don't think that's necessarily true. The boyfriend is not unbiased, he may percieve things to be there that aren't and want all of them out of the picture 'just in case.' I am sorry I keep going on about this but its a sensititve subject to me. I have lost several friends because thier girlfriends didn't want them to hang out with me, even though nothing inappropriate was going on. It does sting when the friend chooses the b*tchy and controlling gf who just came into the picture over a friend but I guess that's what people do sometimes.

[Aussie65]

My bf cant have JUST FRIENDS...he wants to bone everything on two legs

[doiask42much]

Hey, Aussie, I've been thinking about you and worried about you. How is everything?

[Aussie65]

hey girl I am hanging in there and you?I honestly wonder some days why I put myself through what I do.I guess I am hoping for some miracle.I feel though I am setting myself up for heartbreak....when exactly it's going to happen I don't know but not even his best friends have faith in him yet I see him lately trying hard to be with me.

Hows life for you these days?

[BigB]

All the girls out there who think they have good male friend who don't want to have sex with them are in denial.

 

I guarantee that 90% of your male friends would bang you in a second if they were given the chance. Most are probably waiting around for the next time you're single or for you to introduce them to your hot friends.

 

I've learned in the past many times that the "close guy friend" always has a crush on the girl. Being acquaintances is fine, but guys don't hang around for "close" girl talk without a reason and that reason is sex.

 

I've also leaned in the past that a woman with lots of guy friends isn't to be trusted. Plus them spending time with all those guys will drive most guys crazy.

 

Hell even the gay guy friends get drunk and try to kiss their girlfriends once in a while.

 

just my opinion of course....

[Strangemagik]

I have had male friends before with nothing there. I've also had ones where I have wanted more and even one that we both did it just couldn't work out at the time.

 

I think its totally possible to be friend with the opposite sex and not have more there.

 

 

I would definitely cut back on seeing the other close friend if it was opposite sex if I was in a relationship just outta respect for my guy. KWIM.. I'd min. any solo activities with that friend.

 

 

I don't have much on the other aspetic about guys only wanting to be friends if they want something else. I don't believe its true all the time but I'm no guy.

[LoveLace]

All the girls out there who think they have good male friend who don't want to have sex with them are in denial.

 

I guarantee that 90% of your male friends would bang you in a second if they were given the chance. Most are probably waiting around for the next time you're single or for you to introduce them to your hot friends.

 

I've learned in the past many times that the "close guy friend" always has a crush on the girl. Being acquaintances is fine, but guys don't hang around for "close" girl talk without a reason and that reason is sex.

 

I've also leaned in the past that a woman with lots of guy friends isn't to be trusted. Plus them spending time with all those guys will drive most guys crazy.

 

When my biggest social circle of friends were still mostly single, I acquired a lot of male "friends" that way, but only because I was introduced to the group by a guy in the 1st place. Anyhow, it wasn't as though me and these guys called each other often or what have you, but we hung out as a group a lot and the ratio of men to women was like 20:4. When I would date a new guy, I was younger than and didn't realize that mentioning these guy "friends" of mine would turn him off. They would act just as you said, as though they didn't trust me. So when they turned on me I'd think "well I DID talk about so-and-so but I made it clear that they were just my friend...didn't I?"....well I finally learned that it doesn't really matter, it's like DUH, he's going to think these guys are my boyfriends! I would even bring the guys I dated along to our group gatherings, and I'm sure they felt uncomfortable with it...I wish I would have realized it then! Most of my friends are married now anyway, but if I finally just kept talk about my friends to a minimum...

[McFadden]

Well I notice the opposite thing, the more male friends I am associated with the more interest is generated. It is the no one wants something until other people do thing. If someone sees a lot of guys on my MySpace or if I am hanging out with one person and Bill, Bob, Joe ect call the entire time (who are just friends and are calling to ask a question about World of Warcraft or something) that person tends to assume that they're suitors and suddenly seems more interested. Not using this as a trick, just noticing what tends to happen.

[LoveLace]

Well I notice the opposite thing, the more male friends I am associated with the more interest is generated. It is the no one wants something until other people do thing. If someone sees a lot of guys on my MySpace or if I am hanging out with one person and Bill, Bob, Joe ect call the entire time (who are just friends and are calling to ask a question about World of Warcraft or something) that person tends to assume that they're suitors and suddenly seems more interested. Not using this as a trick, just noticing what tends to happen.

 

 

I have also seen this effect with having a lot of guy friends...but in the end it always seemed to back fire on me cuz I guess I bragged about it too much or something, I'm not sure?!

[McFadden]

I have also seen this effect with having a lot of guy friends...but in the end it always seemed to back fire on me cuz I guess I bragged about it too much or something, I'm not sure?!

 

It is because seeming popular with guys creates interest at first, but once you get into a committed relationship with that one person it tends to start to bother them. Its hypocritical, if they knew you had guy friends in the first place they shouldn't expect it to change. But hey, people can't help how they feel.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I've found that when it comes to male friends i keep them at a massive distance unless they're gay.

 

I've never had a successful platonic friendship with a guy...except sometimes the ones who are with someone and faithful.

 

I don't trust men as friends, i can sit happily in a group of male friends i hardly see often that im not particually close to but...just having one close male friend has proven to be a massive disaster in the past.

 

Kinda learnt that when a guy goes out of his way or makes more effort to be a close good friend it's usually because they fancy getting jiggy...and getting jiggy...is not what i call a friendship.

[Yamaha]

I would definitely cut back on seeing the other close friend if it was opposite sex if I was in a relationship just outta respect for my guy.

 

Then your saying the close friendship was fine as long as you didn't have the bf but when you get him the close guy friend is in the way.

 

 

Kinda learnt that when a guy goes out of his way or makes more effort to be a close good friend it's usually because they fancy getting jiggy...and getting jiggy...is not what i call a friendship.

 

And this is bad? Maybe he sees something in you and wants to explore your relationship ( it's not always about just sex). Being to regimented in your thinking might lead you to blow off someone who might have been a good possibility.

[mental_traveller]

Well...no...that would be inaccurate. I have four very close male friends who are also married to four very close female friends. We've all known each other since highschool.

 

I also have more male friends beyond that but these four guys are like brothers to me. They would do anything for me and I would also reciprocate. Same goes for their wives.

 

And if one of them was going through a divorce, then you revealed that your husband had cheated and you were packing your bags, I'd lay good odds that your lifelong friend would bang you in a heartbeat.

 

Ask yourself this - how come hideously ugly women never have "platonic" male friends? It's because no men are remotely attracted to her. How many attractive women have guys who are "like brothers" to them for years, then later on in an awkward moment they make a move.

 

The only guys who can be purely platonic friends with a woman, are those who have zero sexual attraction to her whatsoever. That means 100% gay men, or guys who think you are plain ugly. Anything other than that, and there's at least a little sexual undercurrent to the relationship.

[McFadden]

Ask yourself this - how come hideously ugly women never have "platonic" male friends?

 

I'm pretty sure I fall under hideously ugly, especially if taking into account my lack of style and personal hygeine (anyone who's seen my pics on here can vouch for that) and I have platonic friends- thats probably why its so platonic. I even have a couple of sex friends so I don't know what that says about the state of things.