NewbieSL Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I have a little problem and I dont know what to do about it. I love my boyfriend a lot. When he's not here i miss him we have been dating for a long time now ( over 3 yrs). My boyfriend is kinda chubby, very mellow but very very intelligent person. He loves me a lot and i know it.. im his first girlfriend,and he would do anything for me. i'm the type of girl that becomes friends with guys really easily. I met this guy at a camp and he's really nice and sweet. I feel like we have a lot im common and that we are becoming really close. My entire gang went to celebrate 4th of july festivities: food , fireworks,etc together and we spent the entire time together. But its weird b/c i know when im around him i flirt around with him a whole lot and i feel like he does the same. He is kinda friends w/ my boyfriend so i dont know what hes thinking or what he thinks im thinking. I just dont know what to do because i think i have feelings for this guy, but i love my boyfriend. Am i behaving like this because maybe i need some sort of thrill/excitiment in my life? or do i not really love my boyfriend? I hate it when i get like this because i feel like im already being unfaithful by even thinking this way. Please help, advise, something.. i dont know what to do with myself. i feel so guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
roxy_1980 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 From your nickname, I'm guessing that you're about 21 or 22. So doing the backwards math, you met your b/f at about 18 y/o, right? Well, about that age you're experimenting in your life and trying to figuring thinks out. You need to objectively look at your feelings about your b/f. Are you just with him because you've been together for about 3 years? Do you love him or just respect him? Can you seriously see a life together? The way that you described your current b/f didn't seem so overly enthuastic to me. You seem to trying to validate a decision you may have already made. Are you just looking for someone to say dump guy 1 and pick up guy 2? Sometimes life throws you people to test whether things are working in life or not. Sometimes life throws you people just to mess with your head. Only you can determine which one this is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewbieSL Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 i know i love him because i can see myself with him. I respect him so much because he has such high morals and because he respects me back. This one day, when we were just really good friends and not dating, we were watching a movie together in his room and i fell asleep. He covered me with hsi blanket and slept on the damn floor! I know he will take care of me and i will do the same. However on the flip side i feel attracted to other guys.. even though I know i dont have a future with them. This guy from camp, i know that nothing long lasting will ever come out of it, yet i gravitate towards it. I dont know why i do it. You are right in saying that i do have a lot of time ahead of me to decide. But i dont want to lose my boyfriend who i know cares about me and does everything just to make me happy. I want to explore, and make sure i made the right decision i guess? i know hes too good for me & i want to hold on to him because trust me he is a gem. But sometimes my stupid mind wanders and idk what to do about it. im jsut stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 First, if you never feel attraction to other guys, you're either dead or 85 years old. It's how you deal with the attraction while in a committed relationship that defines you as a person. Light-hearted flirting with no intent is fine but when it crosses the line in the sand that you and your partner are both comfortable with, this is the time to shut it down. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I flirt all the time and especially with my girlfriend’s friends. But it is all for fun and never leads anywhere. I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to flirt and be friendly with guys other than your boyfriend. Just be sensible about where you take it. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Trialbyfire is dead right and that's the problem every single person here is dealing with. We are all build a certain way, naturally, and we live in a society/culture/EXISTANCE that goes at odds with our nature. We have an innate drive to enter relationships with people that are not us. The only way to make it at all tolerable is to communicate and compromise on drawing....... the line in the sand that you and your partner are both comfortable with... Most of us are so caught up in "romantic love juices" that we don't think that "the line" is nessessary to draw. "You are so perfect, we are so perfect for each other. It's like we are the same person." These statements sound great but they are all false. "I would be perfectly content with you and only you for the rest of my existance" You need to decide if flirting is acceptable to youin any relationship. You may even need to decide if a sexually open relationship is acceptable/ideal for you in any relationship. We often chose people that think like us in terms of religions, politics, worldviews, musical tastes, personalities, demeanors, sweetness, masculinity/femininity, ect. And we often ignore sexual needs, likes, and dislikes because it's often a taboo and embarrassing subject. It can completely change someone's opinion of you the moment you express yourself. So we hid our sexual wants until we are already "committed" to each other. The important thing is that you are both equally bound and that you don't compromise yourselves too much. You may never be able to uphold your end of the bargin if you don't analyze your own nature first. You may also change over the years in impossibly unpredicatable ways. This should be understood so that the surprises aren't too shocking. My situation for example is that my wife is allowed to flirt with anyone she wants. I however have recently discovered (after several years) that I am not allowed to flirt. Flirting has gone on, of course, but it took a while for my wife to witness an occurance. That's bull**** in my book, but I'm forced to respect that if I want to keep her. It makes me bitter to say the least, but not bitter enough to forbid her (I find that morally wrong among other things that she is allowed to do and I am not). sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I seriously dont think its a good idea to flirt with your boyfriend's friends. Its going to be SUPER embarrassing for him. One of my friends had this problem and we teased him without mercy until he dumped her. But seriously are you going to develop "feelings" for every guy that shows you some attention? Because there are going to be alot, and most with less than honorable intentions. Besides the way you describe your BF it sounds like he is suffering from nice guy syndrome. Most girls just are not attracted or cant stay attracted to nice guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewbieSL Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Cobra you are dead right abt developing feelings for anyone who shows me attention. thank you. I needed that reality check, becuase a lot of time i see myself doing that. Im going 2 try hard not to because i dont want to develop feelings. and ur right abt him being a nice guy. he is too nice and he has a great personality. I keep trying to concentrate on this quote and incorporate it into my love life " never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love." thanks all you guys, you've given me a lot of good points to think about, and i def will thank u Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 LOL. I am glad that made sense to you. Its a piece of advice from my sister. Poor girl fell for every guy that smiled at her from the age of 13 on. She dumped some guys that would have taken a bullet for her, just to go out with some loser that would cheat on her. I even had to threaten to kill one guy that was cheating on her. Anyway, now she wants a nice guy and they either are taken or wont go near her cause of her bad rep. Anyway, it sounds like your a good person at heart so best of luck to you... and try to get your BF to start working out. You will be more attracted to him if he is in shape. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Light-hearted flirting with no intent is fine but when it crosses the line in the sand that you and your partner are both comfortable with, this is the time to shut it down. I strongly disagree with this. The more you flirt, the easier it is to one time slip across into unacceptable behaviour. If you don't flirt at all with others, it's much easier to keep on the straight and narrow. Flirting while in a relationship is not only playing with fire, but if your partner finds out he may well dump you. My advice is be cool and standoffish with this guy, don't show him any attention, try to avoid him and never be around with him except in a group of people. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Having been a victim of over the top flirting at cost a relationship, you have to determine a couple of things. Do you have an open relationship? If yes, there's your answer, if no, keep reading. If he were to ask you if you were flirting with other guys, how would you respond? Would you say no, or say something like nothing over the top when it really is? If so, if you love him stop. If you can't, then ask yourself if you really love him. If you can't stop but love him then for his own good let him go. Flirting ends badly, no matter how you slice it. Either for you or for them especialy when "love" is involved. Flirting should never be confused with attraction. One is a thought, the other an action. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I strongly disagree with this. The more you flirt, the easier it is to one time slip across into unacceptable behaviour. If you don't flirt at all with others, it's much easier to keep on the straight and narrow. Flirting while in a relationship is not only playing with fire, but if your partner finds out he may well dump you. My advice is be cool and standoffish with this guy, don't show him any attention, try to avoid him and never be around with him except in a group of people. If you never enter into a relationship, you also don't have to worry about cheating... I think most people know what's okay with their partners. It's also up to the partner to express what they deem as acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I think most people know what's okay with their partners. It's also up to the partner to express what they deem as acceptable. True, but unrealistic. Those discussions rarely occur until something has already happened, and sometimes the first incident is already too late. And deeming what is acceptable is harder than people may think. But even using this process, it doesn't work all of the time. I was clear of what I found acceptable and she confirmed that this was the case and she would never do anymore that what we discussed. Only to discover that some of her actions were completely over the top. When confronted about it I get the arguement that she thought it was ok, and apologized making a wrong decision. Having a MSN chat with a guy talking about what lip gloss she should wear if she were to ever blow him? Yeah, I can see where that's sketchy. So somethings need to be black and white. Its the grey's that cause conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 True, but unrealistic. Those discussions rarely occur until something has already happened, and sometimes the first incident is already too late. And deeming what is acceptable is harder than people may think. But even using this process, it doesn't work all of the time. I was clear of what I found acceptable and she confirmed that this was the case and she would never do anymore that what we discussed. Only to discover that some of her actions were completely over the top. When confronted about it I get the arguement that she thought it was ok, and apologized making a wrong decision. Having a MSN chat with a guy talking about what lip gloss she should wear if she were to ever blow him? Yeah, I can see where that's sketchy. So somethings need to be black and white. Its the grey's that cause conflict. We all make mistakes and live and learn. Myself, I want to believe that in any relationship, the other party has sufficient intellect, respect and common sense to be mindful of their actions, as a responsible adult. If they cross a serious line, not just a discussion about lip gloss, there are far greater issues at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 We all make mistakes and live and learn. Myself, I want to believe that in any relationship, the other party has sufficient intellect, respect and common sense to be mindful of their actions, as a responsible adult. If they cross a serious line, not just a discussion about lip gloss, there are far greater issues at hand. Hmmmm, so a discussion about lip gloss and its application would not be considered a crossing or a serious line? How about if we added asking the question if they she should shave before they meet up or if they can't meet up, if a cam would be sufficient, and seeing who will call each other's bluff first? Its a slippery sploe and mistakes and serious lines can be easily crossed. In any case I respect this person for questioning it before it goes too far, or atleast I hope it hasn't gone that far. If they truly love this person I hope they will do what is in the other's best interests and not solely thier own. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hmmmm, so a discussion about lip gloss and its application would not be considered a crossing or a serious line? How about if we added asking the question if they she should shave before they meet up or if they can't meet up, if a cam would be sufficient, and seeing who will call each other's bluff first? Its a slippery sploe and mistakes and serious lines can be easily crossed. In any case I respect this person for questioning it before it goes too far, or atleast I hope it hasn't gone that far. If they truly love this person I hope they will do what is in the other's best interests and not solely thier own. It's all about the context it's used in, and intent. There are some honestly ditzy females out there who will talk about lip gloss with strange men with no intent. I'm sure you've experienced girls like this who talk breathlessly, like a run-on sentence... As for shaving before meeting, you have some issues to address. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 It's all about the context it's used in, and intent. There are some honestly ditzy females out there who will talk about lip gloss with strange men with no intent. I'm sure you've experienced girls like this who talk breathlessly, like a run-on sentence... I've experienced them but would never start a relationship with them. But you bring up a good point, if you plan to go out with a ditzy female then be prepared for this type of interaction. Buyer beware, and if you can't handle it, move on. As for shaving before meeting, you have some issues to address. lol. This was addressed long ago. I ended the relationship to the sounds of "it didn't mean anything." and "but I love you." Too bad, so sad, hope they learn from their mistakes and that having a little too much fun can cost you. Link to post Share on other sites
chaos40 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 The chubby boyfriend is no longer a challenge bad-boy whatever. He's doomed. I give him three months TOPS! Link to post Share on other sites
figuremeout Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Then you probably are crossing a line and you need to respect your boyfriend enough to not do anything to put him in pain. It sounds like he respects you a whole lot, so if you need some excitement and fun that he isn't giving you, you need to make a dang hard choice and either knock it off, or break up with him and go out with the guy you are constantly flirting with. Sometimes a man and a woman cannot be good close friends liek that. Guys are stupid. If you are friendly, they might be thinking you are into them more than you are. They might say otherwise, but they are dumb critters. Link to post Share on other sites
happygirl70 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 I used to be the same way before I got married. I'm not sure why but I craved the excitement of knowing someone else was interested and also because my guy friends were a lot of fun to be with. Nothing ever became of those relationships (nothing physical) but emotionally they filled a need for me. It may be too that I didn't know how to separate the friendship from boy/girl relationship. I think you need to really think about what is going on and what this means for your relationship right now. If nothing else this is a great chance to re-evaluate your relationship. Also, I know you say your b/f is great, but is there chemistry between you? You cannot ignore that part of yourself. If it isn't there, you need to be very cautious about the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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