Need to understand / do the right thing

[cocismanuk32]

Me and my girlfriend (not married) have been together 9 years and have 2 lovely daughters who we dote on. I am 32 and she 27.

 

She has just said she does not love me anymore and want to have a trial separation. Being told this has devastated me and I am kicking myself for my past mistakes.

 

My 2 big mistakes were asking her to marry me very early on but then not actually doing anything. Second was not supporting her at all emotionally when she was pregnant with our second daughter.

 

The reasons for the above is that I fell out of love with her due to day to day stresses between us. She continued to love me and was crushed when I had told her I didn't love her anymore. However, in the last few years I have grown to love her again and now do not want to lose her. She now says she does not love me anymore.

 

I can understand that she has been hurt and her love has declined over the time. At the moment she has come across very cold and this is unlike her. I think she has some issues around personal freedom and feeling restricted, and being with me makes that worse. Over our time she says she has changed and now just wants to be on her own. Perhaps she is being cold now through dread of telling me she wants to separate.

 

I am kicking myself now and desperately want to bring her back. I didn't think it felt right that she decided she wanted to separate all on her own without even having talked to a friend or something. Is it possible she is in some complex emotional turmoil and thinks being on her own is best?

 

I have read some advice on the internet about giving her space, not constantly telling her I love her and not pleading. Is there anything else I can do. I can't give her loads of space as I live in the same house and we are raising two young children together.

 

I also would like to understand how she might have changed as she says she has. How does this lead to losing her love for me? She finds it very difficult to talk fluently.

 

Any thoughts very gratefully received.

[princess75]

I highly suggest you give her the space but being for her as a TRUE UNCONDITIONAL FRIEND. It is simple, you are in a thin line, she can fall for you or fall out ....Why?

 

Fall for you in a natural manner...Be yourself, give her unconditional friendship..if you genuinely care for her.....there is a difference between loving someone or loving them because they are not there...... and also keep on doing your things....sop she can freely coem back to you for who you are ....

 

Fall out...If you push it too much, she will not see the REAL YOU, she will think u want her not that you are gone, and she will start hating you for this..............also she will think you dont respect her decision.....

 

There is a 3rd option: Just tell her how you feel, tell her you have grown to love her, and before you may have been distant because you were inmature, insecure, selfish.....whatever the TRUTH WAS....tell her you RESPECT HER AND LOVE HER AND HER DECISION, you will be there for her, but you do knwo that it takes TWO TO TANGO....and you would like to TANGO WITH HER. ANd then start NO CONTACT FOR say1 month, tell her you will give her space and if she wants she can contact you...............if she does follow "Fall for you". If she DOES NOT: Then after a month, talk to her.....tell her how you feel.....hopefully you still love her...and if she does she will come to you....if she DOESNT then ....just tell her you moving on eomotionally..............and DO SO. It is not you wont see her! After all you guys have kids! So best is to be yourself!!!!!

[cocismanuk32]

Thanks for the very sensible advice. Thing is, I can't give her the space of separation. I want to give her space while being at home. Even if I were able to stay somewhere else for a shor time, I would still need to see my kids.

 

I really wish I understood the truth about her losing love for me. Has she really lost all love? Is it possible that she is in an emotional place where she feels restricted and wants to cut free? Could she therefore be wanting to split because of that?

 

If she does not love me anymore does it mean that her original love could not be reawakened? I know it is possible because I regained my love for her about 2 years ago. I started to realise the things about her that I love rather that get cought up on the things I don't like.

 

I suggested counselling and she initially refused. Now she has agreed but I am coming at it from wanting to win her back. She does not think i will help in that way, but thinks it may enable me to understand things for my own healing.

 

I feel so hopeless and helpless, and scared that a counsellor will just say I need to move on. I hate it when people say that - we have kids together and as far as I'm concerned we need to bottom out all possibilities before breaking up. Breaking up would devastate me and the kids and would put us in real financial strain.

[princess75]

I highly suggest you do give her the space and take that space yourself. By your writing I notice two things:

1) You have not talked to yourself of what you really want her for, if love or wanting her...do you know the difference? love it flows, the other one is more possession kind of or knowing she is only yours....

2) You will always be able to see your kids, as long as u are a good father and she even seems reasonable (shown by her wanting to do counseling for your sake)

3) It really seems she doesnt think it will go anywhere and somewhere in her heart she is divided between: a) wanting to be in the relationship....b)wanting to be out of it.

4) Marrying her is a factor that may be backfiring you..better say not marrying her...before...but, that doesnt mean u can't do it now?

5) IF YOU LOVE HER: NOt want her for your own egoist needs...but LOVE UNCONDITIONAL WHeRE YOu Want HeR HaPPInESS, then ask her to get mamrried to you...if you get rejected...at least you tried.........

 

See, dont guess, u guys have children, TELL HER WHAT YOU FEEL!!!!

[cocismanuk32]

Thanks for your time in making these replies. It really means a lot.

 

I think I probably need to stop going on about discussing this with her. I have said what I feel and I think I am repeating myself almost as if I think I can make my point in such a good way that I will persuade her or something. I know though that this is not about persuading, but about feelings.

 

I get a bit frustrated because I can connect with my feeling and describe them fluently very easily but for her it is very difficult. She has always been bad at talking and bottles things up chronically.

 

I do know that I do love her - I am not possessive type. I just don't want to waste what possible happy future we might have together.

[confuzd]

hey cman32 I am going through the same thing you are, but my wife has moved out. I'm still trying to figure my situation out so I probably wouldn't be the most qualified to offer you advice, but you mentioned that you fell out of love with her, then you regained it in the last two years. how did you do that, what was she doing that made you realize you loved her, because maybe you could do the same thing she did. I'm betting she didn't even try though which may be a good place to start, its hard bro trust me I feel your pain.

[cocismanuk32]

confuzd, thanks for your post. We went out last night to a picnic / concert in the park with another couple and a friend. I was quite anxious about going and having to put on a pretence. I started to have some fun though, but as I drank more beers, I began to lose control of my emotions again. She could see that and really just didn't want me to get all heavy again. I was just so heavy in the heart and wanting some kind of small reassurance from her that we would try and sort things out.

 

She did not want to give any assurance of this kind. The evening ended with her having severe stomach pains and having to go to hospital with a suspected appendix murmer. She was given morphine and and a drug to stop her feeling nauseous - but that drug had a really bad reaction with her. Things got very scary and her pulse got out of contol - up to 180bpm.

 

It felt terrible seeing her in such a state. I was there for her totally, keeping calm and reassuring her. It was a long night, but eventually the docs said it was not her appendix but a possible scist on the ovaries. We were taken home again and I went and got all desperate again, saying I so want her to open up to me and soften her heart toward me. It was the wrong time for me to do that.

 

Anyway, I have written a letter over the last few days where I have thought about all the things I have done to hurt her and not appreciate her in the past. It is a firs step to reforming myself - to acknowledge and take responsibility for my failings and for pain I have caused her in the past. I will give it to her one night when I go out so she has time to read it.

 

I've booked some tickets to see a stand up comedian on Thursday night. I want to try and keep calm until then. I figure I need to show her a normal functioning person rather than a heavy and emotionally draining one. It can't be attractive seeing me all heavy like that. I think I need to do the little things - helping round the house, biting my tongue etc and be patient until she is well enough to talk to me.

 

Any advice or tips on any of this would be much appreciated. I really don't know what is happening with her feelings. She does not feel in love with me, but has love for me. Thing is, given tha she never talks to anyone and bottles things up, is it possible that all these years of her just being a mother (obviously ther is no just about it) and not being able to persue a career as a paramedic as well as not being loved or appreciated has dulled the love she once had for me.

 

Any female perspectives would be very valued. If we have a dialogue and I do the little things and we eventually work through the past problems and I am forgiven, is it possible she could turn around and love me again? I will certainly support her with becoming a paramedic now whether we stay together or not. I hope that if I can give her some hope about her own future life / career and about my soul searching and will to change then she may get feelings for me again.

 

Anyone got an opinion or is a woman's heart no for turning?

[cocismanuk32]

I would still really like a female of the species to let me know what they think about my post above. Is it possible do you think that my girlfriend has fallen out of love with me because of the years of me not treating her right? Is that what causes someone to fall out of love?

 

Is it possible or likely at all that if owning up to my faults and then trying realy hard with counselling etc to correct them could win back her love? I really hope that she is just feeling without hope for her career / life and that she feels worn down by me being unattentive etc. If that is the case then is it possible that if I support her in her aspirations and go through the hard process of changing that she may get her feelings back?

 

I'd also love to know what someone would say to her about how she feels right now. Would you say to her that leaving me and being on her own may be equally miserable as she currently feels now with our relationship the way it is at the moment? If so then would you say to her that she should give it another go with me?

 

I just cannot have no hope in my situation. We have 2 beautiful girls that we absolutely adore, and it has not been very long ago when we enjoyed good times together. I think that we have never both been committed and serious about our relationship in terms of actually making an effort. She said recently that she thought that if a relationship is right then it shouldn't need both people to work at it all the time. However, I think that true love requires work and commitment on both sides for it to blossom. What are peoples' thoughts on that?

 

Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to help me out here. You don't know what it means to me.