LuminousZ Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Why would a recently married woman continue calling an EX? When I asked her, she replied "I just wanted to see how he was doing". When I explained to her it didn't make me feel very special - please let go of the past. She replied "What, I can't have any friends". I didn't appreciate that response at all.., I've been struggling to understand this for serveral months now. I found this article and in every instance, they suggest that 99.9% of the time its because she regrets leaving the relationship. They go on to say how to play it cool and get some sex. BTW, she broke up with him. She tells me she loves me, nothing to worry about, bla, bla bla, and I don't believe she has physically cheated but this situation makes me very uncomfortable.., Link to post Share on other sites
corazoncito Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Did she call him before you got married? Did you tell her then that it bothered you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuminousZ Posted July 5, 2007 Author Share Posted July 5, 2007 Did she call him before you got married? Did you tell her then that it bothered you? Yes, they would talk about 3 X / week before we were engaged / married..., I then explained that it appeared she was not over him - And I wasn't comfortable with going further. I was breaking up with her. She knew I was serious because emotions were flowing so to speak..., I told her the only way I would stick around would be if she changed her phone number and stopped communicating completely. She did that - changed the number the next day. That lasted about 3 months as far as I can tell..., Now, this past week I see the number on her cell phone again. She doesn't try to hide it because she thinks its no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 If your questions is why is she calling him, I think you already know the answer. She is certainly not respecting your wishes/feelings and being dismissive. Was there any other question? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 If there are no children involved...I really don't see why she should be concerned about how he feels... that's not her problem anymore. He has to move on... period. That would be a deal breaker for me since you already broke up with her for that same reason, and now she does it again... I would get the message that she doesn't give a hoot about you but is more concerned about him... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 If there are no children involved...I really don't see why she should be concerned about how he feels... that's not her problem anymore. He has to move on... period. That would be a deal breaker for me since you already broke up with her for that same reason, and now she does it again... I would get the message that she doesn't give a hoot about you but is more concerned about him... For once you and I agree, Lizzie. Something about, "and forsaking all others" comes immediately to mind. This would be a deal-breaker for me as well. If she can't move beyond her "concern" then she might as well go back to him, and likely will! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 I think it would only bother me if she/he hid it....lied about it or such. Which I think is where this will eventually go, due to it making you so uncomfortable. If they have to go "underground" so to speak, things could get a bit fuzzy. She doesn't try to hide it because she thinks its no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
freakygal78 Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I know this is a little unrelated in scenario but my live-in bf broke up with me a week ago and even tho our r'ship hadn't been going well for a while since we moved into his old sharehouse (with one other), his ex-gf of 3 yrs called him out of the blue (we were still together at this point). He was very mysterious about it as it was only a voicemail but I could hear it was a woman's voice. He mentioned it was her but that's all. I played it cool as I still occassionally have ex's say hi on messenger but that is all. But then a week later he broke up with me and I moved to the spare room to stay on living here but single and she starts calling him and I am thinking 'there is something not right with this picture'. I confronted him about it but he tells me they are just friends, he only sees her as a friend and she was just catching up out of the blue. I am finding it hard to see it as unrelated to our break up. She called y'day again while I was on the computer in his room and it was awkward to say the least - I asked him why she was calling now we had broken up more than before and that it seemed suss. He says there is nothing to worry about she has a bf etc and then he asks me last night if I would like to get back together with him as he misses us etc - wow talk about mixed signals! I am not sure I can trust him with my heart anymore regardless let alone confounding it with these calls from his ex which I think he instigated as an ego boost more than anything - feeling wanted by even those who are unavailable means a lot to some people. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Why would a recently married woman continue calling an EX? When I asked her, she replied "I just wanted to see how he was doing". When I explained to her it didn't make me feel very special - please let go of the past. She replied "What, I can't have any friends". I didn't appreciate that response at all.., I've been struggling to understand this for serveral months now. I found this article and in every instance, they suggest that 99.9% of the time its because she regrets leaving the relationship. They go on to say how to play it cool and get some sex. BTW, she broke up with him. She tells me she loves me, nothing to worry about, bla, bla bla, and I don't believe she has physically cheated but this situation makes me very uncomfortable.., Yeah I can see how it would make you uncomfortable. If my guy was talking to any ex that much we'd be having words. There an ex for a reason and I have no reason to make them anything else. Now, if I seen them in the store or ran into them, yeah I'd say hi but that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I think you should have brought this up earlier, when you first found out they were in contact. Its not fair to expect someone to change just because the marraige becomes official. I talk to about 2 exes. The only ones I talk to are the ones where the feelings are completely over. I was friends with them before I dated them. I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who wanted to sever my relationships with friends whether they're exes or not, especially if you ask her out of nowhere to cut off contact. I probably would have said what she said. Link to post Share on other sites
JayLK Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I have been in your situation and believe me -- if she isn't willing to respect your wishes then something is amidst. My wife was doing the same thing to me behind my back (before getting married), even after she promised to cut all ties with her ex. Next thing I know, I discover that my wife was cheating on me with the same person she promised to cut ties with! Trust me when I say this friend -- get this thing nailed on the head now or pay the consequences later. Calling the ex once is one thing, but calling him 3x every week proves that she isn't being very honest with you. You need to be blunt and blatant here regarding the ex issue. Quite honestly, I would mention your prior break up and ask why she is disrespecting your wishes after promising to ditch the ex. When this happened to me, I gave my wife a very clear ultimatum -- her ex or me. She dropped the ex like a bad habit, but that still didn't lessen the emotional hell it caused me. Don't end up in my shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 Luminous.. Oh man.. your situation was like mine which happened 2 years ago. While we were together she would call him now & then, two months before and after the wedding, I caught her talking to him and then it continued to be lies through that first year of our marriage. She said the EXACT same thing as your fiancee and what she said and what I felt as a gut intinct was total opposite. Ex's are ex's for a reason and if she hasn't closed that chapter in her life then it's impossible for her to move on to a future with you. My wife continues to this day say that she didn't want to rekindle anything but just wanted to be a friend. But it was clear this kept him wanting to get back with her. Things got so bad, I was on an emotional roller coaster. A couple of months would go by and no contact, then bam out of the blue it would reappear again. I was losing my sanity and she was good with the excuses and the reasons why these communications were happening. It really tore us apart and things did not change until I demanded that she leave the house, that I was done with the marriage. It was tough love that brought her to her senses, but the damage has been done. I don't trust her 100% even after two years of no contact, and feel jaded in that I still can't love her 100% because of the things that went on. Like you, that specialness is gone. DON'T FALL FOR HER EXCUSES! Don't roll over and piddle in terms of your situation. All this is doing is causing strife for you, the relationship and giving this other guy hope. Keeps his foot in the door. I tried everything that first year from being nice to yelling. Nothing worked, my wife was being a total bitch. It wasn't until I told her I was gone that she kinda woke up. What was funny this whole time she would lay blanket statements on me on what was 'wrong' with me while she was doing this. She would also mention how easy it would be to leave the house. That kept me in fear of losing her but like my counselor told me at the time, that there will be a time that all of that will disappear and your desire for a permanat resolution supercedes. Let me ask you.. Has she told you that you were 'crazy' or 'paranoid' in thinking something was going on between her and her ex? If so, that is a HUGE, HUGE red flag. Or trying to ease her guilt, or her conscious by trying to re-affirm to you and herself that nothing is going on? She is NOT respecting you and not putting you #1 in her life by doing this. The ONLY way to stop this is tough love. A third party will tear up a relationship very fast. PS. That askmen site is no good. The forums on there are awful and the site itself is jaded one-side. Don't ask for advice on there. Link to post Share on other sites
Kislette Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I think it CAN be ok for a married woman to be friends with her ex, but it would depend on the circumstances. Why did she break up with him? Does she still have romantic feelings for him or are they just friends now? (I guess there's not a way to be sure if she's telling the truth on that one) The biggest concern is that she's not showing respect for your feelings. If the relationship is harmless but she can't convince you it isn't, then she should end it. Marriage is the relationship that should be placed above all others. If she can't do that she shouldn't have agreed to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwo-ne'-she Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 I know it is entirely possible to remain friends with an ex, and there be no romantic feelings left that would threaten a new R. However, if it truly bothers your partner, you have got to take that into consideration if you expect the new R to work. Link to post Share on other sites
fairy_dust Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 To me marriage is a serious thing, if she is still keeping in touch with her ex's it clearly tells me that she STILL has feelings for him. Probably even regrets that she is not able to be with her ex because she choose to marry you. It's like one of those after the fact situations, heat of the moment for her to marry you and as time passed her emotions got riled up again for her ex. I don't think that past relationships, especially intimate ones, should ever be brought up when you are married. It doesn't create a healthy atmosphere for the other spouse to KNOW that the person they love, has these nonchalant contacts with people they been intimately involved with. I think you should have known one another for sometime before committing through marriage. Being married myself, temptation is everywhere and is present no matter where you go work, home and school etc. Although, it takes strong will power and unselfishness to reject and learn to discipline oneself to stay away from people that will break and cause havoc on your marriage. If in the fact she loves and respects you, someone that does that wouldn't give 2 shiits about what goes on with a person she is not married too. Hope this helps, good luck! ~Fairy_Dust~ Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 You can't be friends with exes. Why? Because these were intimate sexual relationships that, despite whatever water is under the proverbial bridge, can once again become intimate and sexual. This fact is why you ultimately cut those people out of your lives, especially when you're in a new relationship. At this point, you must make it clear that she's has to end it. Period. If she continues to contact the guy, then you must end it with her. Period. Letting it linger is simply going to frustrate you, make you less trusting of her and ultimately, end the relationship you two have with each other. This must be made crystal clear to her -- no weasel words and definitely no parsing. And ultimately, no more tolerance of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
fairy_dust Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 I think feel that past intimate relationships are never healthy for any new ones. This causes tension, jealousy and suspicion to the other party, and it shows disrespect for them. It's important that people involved intimately with each other should consider how the other person feels. Especially in marriage! I figure that people don't live in black and white all the time as they spend most of it living in gray. It's plain and simple, you love a person; you care about them and want to spend your time on them. Then cherish what you have with them and let the past go because you choose to move on in the first place...right? Go figure:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuminousZ Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who wanted to sever my relationships with friends whether they're exes or not, especially if you ask her out of nowhere to cut off contact. I probably would have said what she said. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't let go of her ex. So I explained to her it is very unflattering to maintain a relationship with an ex IMO. She was given a choice, hang on to the past & continue "friends" with the ex or a future with me. This didn't come out of nowhere, I tried to communicate my feelings before our relationship became too serious. She said the ex was not that important and wanted a future with me. She stopped communicating with him for about 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuminousZ Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 Luminous.. Let me ask you.. Has she told you that you were 'crazy' or 'paranoid' in thinking something was going on between her and her ex? If so, that is a HUGE, HUGE red flag. Or trying to ease her guilt, or her conscious by trying to re-affirm to you and herself that nothing is going on? She is NOT respecting you and not putting you #1 in her life by doing this. The ONLY way to stop this is tough love. A third party will tear up a relationship very fast. PS. That askmen site is no good. The forums on there are awful and the site itself is jaded one-side. Don't ask for advice on there. She tries to suggest its not a big deal. But When I discover these conversations, I withdraw from her. No kiss good morning or when I get home for that matter. She'll say, "What is the problem, I don't know what I did that is so wrong, it was just a phone call". I then explain how unflattering it is for her to maintain a relationship with the EX. We recently took a long drive (8 hr) to visit one of her friends for a wedding party, during that drive I expressed how it makes me feel less than special, like I'll always be second.., If that's the case, I gotta go find another woman..., I deserve to be treated better. She discussed this with her friend and the friend told her she needs to STOP. (The friend approached me afterwards and wanted me to know she sided with me on this issue). I also spoke with her sister and she thought it was rude at best, they are very close so I know they will have a talk about this. Thanks for your insight, also regarding the ask men site. I thought that site seemed a bit rediculous.., the information they're providing certainly makes a "current husband" hypersensitive! Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 I think this will be an ongoing issue. You already talked about it but then she continued to contact him. If she agrees not to she will probably contact him secretly again at some point, and even if she doesn't she will have resentment. It seems like she thinks she has the right to contact whoever she wants, and you don't so it is kind of a big deal beyond being just about this ex. Maybe a deal breaking issue. Its not a good sign that the family has to 'side' about something before the marraige even happens. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 She tries to suggest its not a big deal. But When I discover these conversations, I withdraw from her. No kiss good morning or when I get home for that matter. She'll say, "What is the problem, I don't know what I did that is so wrong, it was just a phone call". I then explain how unflattering it is for her to maintain a relationship with the EX. We recently took a long drive (8 hr) to visit one of her friends for a wedding party, during that drive I expressed how it makes me feel less than special, like I'll always be second.., If that's the case, I gotta go find another woman..., I deserve to be treated better. She discussed this with her friend and the friend told her she needs to STOP. (The friend approached me afterwards and wanted me to know she sided with me on this issue). I also spoke with her sister and she thought it was rude at best, they are very close so I know they will have a talk about this. Thanks for your insight, also regarding the ask men site. I thought that site seemed a bit rediculous.., the information they're providing certainly makes a "current husband" hypersensitive! She now knows your feelings on this and now it's upto her to make the decision. That's what I had to do, I basically let the cage door open. I told her, encouraged her to go because I was at the point that I just wanted a answer, a finalization in this drama. She knew the consequence of maintaining contact w/ this guy and it was upto her on what was more important to her. She stayed but two years later I still have resentment over it. It wasn't until I made her face the reality of what she was doing and the consequences, that's when I wanted her out of the house. I was SO emotionally drained that I was becoming depressed very fast. It was the roller-coasterness of it all that did it. We actually got into a discussion about it last night, it doesn't get brought up often anymore. The thing is, if your woman is going to put herself and her friendship with this guy over you, then it's a guarnateed bet that you will never be a #1 priority in her life. You will just always 'be there' for her. Demand respect, don't tolerate this behavior, you need to do more than just words here. If I were you, I would just tell her you are going off by yourself this weekend, don't tell her where you are going and just disappear. Let her start worrying about you and her really think about what she's doing. I would also look into marriage counseling, because this is not the norm of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuminousZ Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 she will have resentment. It seems like she thinks she has the right to contact whoever she wants, and you don't so it is kind of a big deal beyond being just about this ex. Maybe a deal breaking issue. Yeah.., we talked about it being more than just a phone call.., and possible resentment - Thats why I told her I'd rather leave now than let things boil over to the point where I can't stand the thought of her. She has acknowledged she was wrong and has apologized. So to recap, it appears everyone feels communicating with the EX is disrespectful to the current SO. I am glad to know I wasn't over reacting. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 So to recap, it appears everyone feels communicating with the EX is disrespectful to the current SO. I am glad to know I wasn't over reacting. Not everyone feels that way, but as long as you and your SO have agreed on it that's all that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts