Pregnant and Boyfriend Pressuring for Abortion

[mandy2]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My boyfriend has been living with me for the pass 2 years. We knew each other for 3 years. When we got together we decided not to have kids but in any case I happen to get pregnant we will keep it for religious reasons even though we are not from the same religion. We agreed to keep it. Now that he left his religions and I happen to get pregnant he is telling me to get an abortion. He also promised to get married as soon as we moved in, didn’t happen. He promised to get a job right away, didn’t happen. He didn’t start working since 2 months ago.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]About I year ago I also got pregnant and he was excited that we was having a baby. I had found out that I had a large fibroid tumor that might trigger a miscarriage, and it did about my 2nd month. Now he tells me to get an abortion almost daily, I still believe abortions are wrong. He told me he don’t want to be a father ever and plus I might still get a miscarriage anyways so why should I wait for it, that I should just get it over with. What do I do? I love him very much but I am heart broken that he feels this way. He also confessed to me that he and a co-worker flirt a lot, I a worried that is not all he is doing. One of his lady co-workers calls him to work early or for the weekends, last time she called was this morning at 5am. I confronted him but he said he is just backed up at work, before he used to tell me when he work was back up and would tell me might need to work late, now I find out when she calls and its always the same person. He knows I am a high-risk pregnancy and he does things like jumps on me when I am resting or squeezes me to the point he hurts me and I cant breath. He doesn’t help me when I need to move or pick up something, when I was told not to pick up heavy things. I am worried and sad. I though about leaving him but I really don’t have any place to go. I asked him if he wanted to leave then do it, but he called me crazy and told me he still loves me.[/FONT]

[Enema]

Well I don't know what the fuss is all about, you two are clearly fit to be parents.

[Cobra_X30]

Maybe you will get lucky and he will be killed by a bolt of lightening... or failing that you could dump his worthless butt.

[norajane]

When we got together we decided not to have kids but in any case I happen to get pregnant

 

we will keep it for religious reasons even though we are not from the same religion. We agreed to keep it. Now that he left his religions and I happen to get pregnant he is telling me to get an abortion.

 

He also promised to get married as soon as we moved in, didn’t happen. He promised to get a job right away, didn’t happen. He didn’t start working since 2 months ago.

 

About I year ago I also got pregnant and he was excited that we was having a baby. I had found out that I had a large fibroid tumor that might trigger a miscarriage, and it did about my 2nd month. Now he tells me to get an abortion almost daily, I still believe abortions are wrong. He told me he don’t want to be a father ever and plus I might still get a miscarriage anyways so why should I wait for it, that I should just get it over with.

 

What do I do? I love him very much but I am heart broken that he feels this way.

 

He also confessed to me that he and a co-worker flirt a lot, I a worried that is not all he is doing. One of his lady co-workers calls him to work early or for the weekends, last time she called was this morning at 5am. I confronted him but he said he is just backed up at work, before he used to tell me when he work was back up and would tell me might need to work late, now I find out when she calls and its always the same person.

 

He knows I am a high-risk pregnancy and he does things like jumps on me when I am resting or squeezes me to the point he hurts me and I cant breath. He doesn’t help me when I need to move or pick up something, when I was told not to pick up heavy things.

 

I am worried and sad. I though about leaving him but I really don’t have any place to go. I asked him if he wanted to leave then do it, but he called me crazy and told me he still loves me.

 

Happened to get pregnant? You got pregnant twice when you agreed not to have kids. That doesn't just 'happen'. Look, if you don't want kids, you get on the pill and use condoms. It's not that complicated.

 

What happened with the fibroid? Did you have it removed? Do you have any fibroids now that can endanger your pregnancy?

 

He sounds like a bad boyfriend, and he sounds like he'd be a horrible father, especially since he doesn't want this child and he's abusing you. And he barely has a job. Do you work? Do you have health insurance? Can either of you afford to take care of a baby?

 

Would you consider putting the child up for adoption? Personally, I'd have the abortion, because I don't believe that bringing a child into your situation is the best for the child. Failing that, I'd put the child up for adoption. And then I'd get a job and run like hell away from this man.

[nittygritty]

I think with the fibroids and the abusive relationship that your in you should really consider having an abortion or putting the baby up for adoption.

 

He REALLY doesn't want the baby and you don't sound like you do either.

I think abortion or adoption is the logical solution for your situation.

[mandy2]

Happened to get pregnant? You got pregnant twice when you agreed not to have kids. That doesn't just 'happen'. Look, if you don't want kids, you get on the pill and use condoms. It's not that complicated.

 

What happened with the fibroid? Did you have it removed? Do you have any fibroids now that can endanger your pregnancy?

 

He sounds like a bad boyfriend, and he sounds like he'd be a horrible father, especially since he doesn't want this child and he's abusing you. And he barely has a job. Do you work? Do you have health insurance? Can either of you afford to take care of a baby?

 

Would you consider putting the child up for adoption? Personally, I'd have the abortion, because I don't believe that bringing a child into your situation is the best for the child. Failing that, I'd put the child up for adoption. And then I'd get a job and run like hell away from this man.

Yes I was on the pill the first time, and the second time was an accident. For the second time my doctor has stopped giving me pills cause we has going to remove the fibroid and was only using condoms.

Yes I have insurance and I do have a good job and a great boss. Plus I do have other income coming in case I cant work. I have a hard time kicking him out since he moved from across country to be with me, he don’t have friend or family in this state. Just hopping he turns around. Even though I don’t like your answer, it makes to most sense. thanks

[Lynna]

Your BF sounds like he is immature and emotionally and physically abusive. You say you don't want to kick him out because he came all the way across the country to be with you. Is that the ONLY reason? If that is it, then honey this relationship is already over. If you don't want to stay with him because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then kick him out. Give him money if you want so he can move back home, or get set up in a new place. But if he can only think of himself at a time like this and because he is abusing you, you should think seriously about getting out of this relationship. And if you do keep the baby and carry to term, then he may abuse the child.

 

As for the baby, you need to think seriously about whether you want to be a parent. Are you prepared for a lifetime commitment? Are you prepared to have your life change dramatically and permanently? You also need to think about whether you would want to raise this child on your own, because if you don't kick him out and do keep the baby then he may leave. Think about these things carefully. Life is a precious thing, you don't have to get an abortion, you can try to carry to term and put the child up for adoption as others here suggested. There are many people out there who cannot have children so babies do get adopted very quickly. But you need to think about whether you could handle that. Giving up a child is not easy. You will probably think about that child all your life. But then again, you would also probably think about it all your life if you got an abortion given your personal views.

 

Those of us on LS can only give you advice, can only give you our points of view. We cannot tell you what to do. Only you can make that choice. You have to choose the path that you can live with. You have to choose what is best for you. Don't let anyone, you BF or anyone else, pressure you into doing what THEY think is best. You have to decide, just make sure you weigh all your options and their consequences carefully.

[mandy2]

Don’t get me wrong, I do want to keep my baby and I pray to god that he don’t take the baby away like last time. I try not to get too attached because I am afraid of hurting like last time I had my miscarriage. I already know what how hard it is to raise a child is I raised my baby sister since she was born, my mom been in and out of the hospital and my sister was born premature. I had to do everything and I was only 15 year old, but that’s another story.

I will have a talk with him if he still feels the same then I will have to let him go. I never seen what he did as abuse but now I realized it is.

Thanks for all the advice

[child_of_isis]

It sounds like he is trying to make you lose the baby. That is about as sick as it gets.

 

He knows I am a high-risk pregnancy and he does things like jumps on me when I am resting or squeezes me to the point he hurts me and I cant breath. He doesn’t help me when I need to move or pick up something, when I was told not to pick up heavy things.

[curiousnycgirl]

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Secondly I understand why you were not on the pill - I had a signficant issue with fibroids several years ago and the pill causes them to grow - therefore no doctor will allow you to continue taking the pill if you have fibroids. On the other hand you could have explored other alternatives such as depo provera, etc.

 

As far as the b/f goes - you NEED to kick him out. Not necessarily end it but clearly his being around you is putting your life and health at risk, as well as the baby's. You cannot live together while you are pregnant - it's really that simple.

 

If you cannot have an abortion due to your personal beliefs then he needs to respect that - if he can't then he doesn't respect you - again that means kick him out.

 

I know I am sounding very harsh and black and white, but I have the luxury of not being emotionally involved in this situation - and for me the answer is crystal clear.

[katiebour]

Dear Mandy,

 

I have been where you are at, pregnant with a boyfriend who suddenly did a 180 on the issue of children. Some things to think about:

 

If you have this baby, you will have a link to him FOR LIFE. Even if you kick him out/break up with him, as the father of the baby he would have to pay child support, and once the baby is born, he might decide he wants to be a daddy after all. This can lead to custody battles, etc.

 

If you have an abortion, you will basically be clearing the slate. You can choose to stay with him, or leave him, and there will be no ties holding you. He will not be mortgaging his future paying for a baby he doesn't want.

 

You could give the baby up for adoption- again, assuming he doesn't suddenly decide he wants to keep it for himself (babies are cute- they're made that way to MAKE us want to love them and take care of them.)

 

If he's trying to induce a miscarriage (and you want the baby) then get out. Go to your parents, go to a house for abused women, whatever. Just get out of the situation before you or your fetus are injured.

 

Remember, also, that you will be able to have other children in the future, with a man who is excited and happy about the impending birth of your treasured child.

 

I chose to end my pregnancy for several reasons- 1) I was (and still am) in a shaky place financially. I had no money to support a child and I wanted to wait until I was in a better place, married, perhaps, with a house, a stable job- the right situation to bring a child into the world. 2) He didn't want a baby, and I figured as the father he had 50% of the say. I was not going to trap him into a situation where he would be tied to me for the rest of his life and responsible to a child he didn't want. 3) I wasn't ready to be a parent.

 

I do not regret my decision- when I have a child it will be with someone who is ready to stand by me and my family for the rest of our lives. My ex broke up with me about a year after the abortion- I think partially he realized that he had come close to "being stuck" with me forever, and he realized that he didn't really love me, especially not enough to be a co-parent. Thankfully, I am in a much better relationship now, and if we eventually commit permanently to one another, we can then, joyfully, decide together when is the right time for a loved, wanted child.

 

Don't let anyone force you into a decision- this is your choice alone, and it is one you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Consider carefully, and whatever you decide, surround yourself with the love and support of your family and friends.

[LittleLady]

First of all, there is never a perfect time to have a child, one is never truly ready for a child, and there is not a perfect man out there for everyone and neither is it in marriage. Don't buy into the perfectly planned fantasy out there.. it doesn't exist. 60% of marriages end in divorce so chances are you would be a single mom regardless. Life is one big mess. You either take it as it comes or cower and run away scared. I hate to tell you this, but if you really want this baby, you will have to raise her on your own. Are you mentally, physically and financially capable? If so, then dump the no good bf who should really be locked up in a cell and live your life the way you want from this day forward. No more demands from boyfriends etc. YOU can't have men constantly control your every move in life. This is a choice only YOU as a woman can make, not any of these bags on here who have really messed up lives as well. Abortion is the one of the few things in life that you can't take back. If I could, I would. A MAN is not worth the decisions you make in life that can have an impact on your entire future and state of well-being.

Do you know what many of these marriage hopeful women go through? They TRY to plan the perfect family and marry the seemingly perfect men, but their lives turn into one big facade. The spouses philandering and ultimately emotional (and sometimes physical in my case) abuse. Especially if they are successful, smart, and/or rich... oh boy.. the selfishness does not just stay in the office. The ego.. their trists of sex with girls on their "business trips". And most of these wives are clueless thinking they are living the American dream. I guess the single women are having the last laugh.

BTW, if you decide to keep this child, don't have any contact with the father until the child is born because your life could be in danger.

 

Who gives a sh5t what he wants when he doesn't give a damn about her? If he didn't want it, he should have used a condom. Your emotional health is not worth one stupid guy.

A lot of women these days are having children without men anyways. There is NOTHING wrong with being a single mother as so many are. That's why they go to the local sperm banks. Eventually with technobiological advances, men will become extinct and unneeded anyways. They'll just clone the millions of sperm over and over again or as a matter of fact... last study I heard they turned a stem cell into a sperm. Thank god it's all coming faster than I expected.

It's much better not to rely on men. I've seen far too many women stay in shi**Y marriages due to their co-dependence. Live for your children, not those selfish sobs.

[LittleLady]

But if you actually want to raise a family with THIS piece of fungus, you really are in trouble. You are attached and in love with such a sicko and need to let him go. If he really doesn't get professional help, then it's probably best he doesn't see the child anyways. Sometimes children are better off not knowing their fathers.

 

Wait a sec.. you say he doesn't want children but was excited with your first pregnancy?

As is with most men, they never know wtf they want and don't EVER expect them to learn to.

 

Regardless, you sound strong and in many aspects capable. If you are up to the task, by all means, but there are always choices.

 

I've seen too many women try to wait for the right time and right men to only end up alone and unable to produce a pregnancy in their stages. Some just eventually choosing to adopt alone. My one girlfriend has a scarred uterus from her past abortion and now has a hard time getting pregnant.

So you see my dear, don't take your reproductive capability for granted. So many women even from stds are unable to procreate. Adoption if you can make it through the 9 months. But it sounds like you would be able on your own if you really wanted this child. Of course, if neither of those choices sounds good, you can abort.

 

Anyways, if you take this child to term, remember that the #1 cause of death for pregnant women in the US has no link to medical complications stemming from pregnancy etc... it is MURDER. Nothing worse than a cornered man who all of a sudden loses all of his control over a relationship or woman he is involved with. And because he shows signs of mental instability and an inability to cope with the situation, I suggest you stay away from this magget until you give birth.

[LittleLady]

"He also confessed to me that he and a co-worker flirt a lot, I a worried that is not all he is doing. "

 

Surprise surprise. Of course he's trying to make you feel insecure in the relationship so you could abort.

The only thing that should be aborted at least at this point is his ass. Get rid of him pronto and don't look back. Then make the next decision on your own.

[SoleMate]

Oh yes, you should definitely terminate all connections with the undeveloped lifeform that's harmfully feed ing your body and mind. I mean the bf. He is physically abusing you in addition to being very cruel emotionally.

 

Not sure whether you should keep the baby though. Please get some professional counseling - Planned Parenthood, social worker, church etc.

[mandy2]

I am more confused than before. My boyfriend had a change of heart and said he was sorry for the way he was acting. He also said he was not ready for a baby but is willing to help out with anything. Yet he dont look happy.

[4whatItsWorth]

I am more confused than before. My boyfriend had a change of heart and said he was sorry for the way he was acting. He also said he was not ready for a baby but is willing to help out with anything. Yet he dont look happy.

 

Don't believe his words. Actions speak louder. He's tried to harm the baby AND you already by hurting you physically. He will change his mind over and over, and before you know it he might even try to get away with murder.

 

I don't believe in having a child due to religious reasons of abortions, children deserve to have a happy, loving environment. No matter if the time is right or not. If you cannot provide enough strenght to part from someone who's already tried to take an innocent life - then you are not ready to be a mother.

 

Best of luck leaving his sorry behind.

[SoxPrincess]

Have you told anyone in your family or any of your friends? They may be able to offer you more sound advice since they know you and presumably know your situation and your BF. Also, if you are close to your family & friends, perhaps they could help support you emotionally if you decide to kick the BF out and make the decision to keep the baby.

 

I understand you don't believe in abortion and I completely respect that opinion, but remember there are thousands upon thousands of people out there that cannot have children and would love to adopt a little baby. If there is any reason (money, immaturity, etc) that you don't think you could safely and responsibly raise the child, I would give serious consideration to adoption. Your BF sounds like a real loser and even if he is acting better today doesn't mean he won't continue to mentally and physically abuse you. If he is willing to push you around and squeeze you while you are pregnant (knowing you are high risk), I can only imagine what he could be capable of doing down the road. Get out now, protect yourself and your unborn child and focus on making a decision in regards to keeping the baby or not.

 

I wish you lots of luck.

[Lynna]

I am more confused than before. My boyfriend had a change of heart and said he was sorry for the way he was acting. He also said he was not ready for a baby but is willing to help out with anything. Yet he dont look happy.

 

You need some space and some time to really think about what you want. He is going to keep waffling back and forth. He does not want to loose his current life where everything is undercontrol and he can basically do whatever he wants.

 

You need to decide what is best for you. Go stay with a friend or some family for a few days and try and answer these questions (others may occur to you as well):

 

1. Is he best for you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? If not, then you don't need to be in this relationship any longer.

 

2. Do YOU want to have this baby?

2a. If yes, are you prepared to raise it COMPLETELY on your own without any help from him if necessary?

 

2b. If no, do you think you can handle giving it up for adoption?

 

2c. If no to all of the above, then can you emotionally, spiritually, and physically handle and abortion?

 

These are SERIOUS life-altering decisions. Seek help from a counselor, spiritual advisor, friends, or family if you can. But ultimately you have to decide what is best for YOU, not him. Your life is the highest priority.