I'm an emotional wreck. Typical story.

[Portisphish]

Hello all. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone, and that others have gone through the same thing I'm going through.

 

I married my wife only 4 years ago, shortly after she got pregnant. She was/is in the Navy. Our marriage was never good. I had some trust issues that were brought on by her getting ready to have an affair early in the marriage. I don't think it happened. She says she tried to make up for it, but maybe I wasn't ready. I told her I wanted a divorce several months ago because of more suspicions. We agreed to go to counseling. We went to 2 sessions, but nothing really changed. About a month ago, I realized that I really did want our marriage to work, and told her I will do everything in my power to keep our family together. I have been trying very hard. I take care of our son and her 13 year old from a previous relationship. I take our son to daycare, pick him up, and am the sole caregiver. She has a horrible job in the navy at this point and is working 7 days a week, sometimes 16 or 17 hours a day. We never see each other. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she needs space. Two days ago, she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She is not attracted to me. I'm crushed, devastated, and hurt worse than I ever have been before. I just need to get it out to someone, and try and move on. I had the typical response which was to smother her more. Not good, I know, but how do you fix something by doing nothing. I called in sick to work today. I just want to run away. How do you keep going? How do you pretend you don't care? How do you move on? I'm 38 and feel like my life is over.

[Ladyjane14]

Our marriage was never good.

 

You've said it right there... the marriage was never good. I don't know how a person who's never present in her family can realistically expect to keep her relationships healthy, but it doesn't look like she's even putting in the most basic of efforts.

 

See an attorney, request custody of your child. I feel terrible for her 13-year old, because it doesn't sound like she's a very involved parent, but I don't know that there's much you can do.

 

I'm sure this is all very painful for you, but losing a 4 year investment is so much better than one of 14 years, or 24, or 34... so, there's at least that to be grateful for.

[Portisphish]

Thanks Jane. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I spoke to an attorney today, but don't think I can afford to retain one. We were supposed to talk tonight, but she hasn't been home or called. It's almost 9:30 PM. It seems like child support is going to be 20% of net income, but I really don't know what else is involved with determining that. I work in the social services field and only bring in a couple thousand a month. She brings home at least double that. The attorney told me that my only hurdle would be that the courts do not like to separate siblings. Of course, I really want to work things out. I keep thinking she will come to her senses, but after reading many of the posts on this site I realize this is just wishful thinking, and I need to start working on myself, and coming to grips with the reality I'm facing. I like how others update their progress, so I will try and keep anyone reading this how this plays out. I do need to find out if joint custody limits her financial responsibility. We bought a house less than a year ago. What a horrible situation I'm in. Thanks for any support.

[Portisphish]

She came home at 11:00 PM last night. I told her that I spoke with a lawyer. I told her that we should try to come to an agreement on our own, but that I am planning on taking our child and moving back to California to my parents house until I get back on my feet. It is so humiliating to do this at 38 years old. She doesn't want to split up the kids, but I can't stay there and continue to do everything to keep the house, kids, family, etc. going if she doesn't want me in her life. She said she will try and get custody after she leaves this job and gets stationed somewhere else. I was willing to just get joint custody, but have our son stay with me the majority of the time. I still want her back. My fear is that she will say she wants to work things out, and then leave after she has a better chance to get custody. But....she hasn't said anything about wanting to stay. She says she's not attracted to me. Big deal. I am not really that attracted to her, but there are so many more important things than physical attraction. I try and tell her this, but she just says the feelings aren't there. How can you want to break up your family for nothing. If she has found someone else then I could understand, but she insists she has not. I can't believe this. Thanks for any support.

[Ladyjane14]

If she has found someone else then I could understand, but she insists she has not.

 

The old "I'm not attracted to you anymore" gambit is often a red flag indicator that there's someone else your spouse IS attracted to.

 

You can read through a copy of Surviving An Affair and try using Harley's techniques. These same techniques will often assist you in repairing a marriage even when there isn't an affair in place. You can type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" for an overview.

 

I know it's expensive, but when you have a spouse in the military, you have leverage in the form of the UCMJ, so it might be worth engaging an attorney who's well-versed in military justice.

 

Never trust a WS (wayward spouse). I don't care how good their story sounds, they WILL bite you on the ass if you don't protect yourself legally.

[Gunny376]

You're best bet is to pack up your and your son's bags, and catch the next thing smoking out of town back to CA and your parents. And, then file for temp custody in CA, and divorce. This will entail your leaving everything worth stealing, etc. But you've got to look at the big picture and the long term.

 

Don't say s***, just pack your bags and "jet" the **** out of town. Women do it all the time.

 

Of course, another alternative military "wives" (No disrespect intended ~ its just that's the role your find yourself in) is to make all nice, be kissy-kissy, feed her candy and send her off to work, with a U-haul parked around the corner. When she's off, pack up what you can, and haul azz! Don't call her until your out of state.

[sumdude]

Don't say s***, just pack your bags and "jet" the **** out of town. Women do it all the time.

 

Of course, another alternative military "wives" (No disrespect intended ~ its just that's the role your find yourself in) is to make all nice, be kissy-kissy, feed her candy and send her off to work, with a U-haul parked around the corner. When she's off, pack up what you can, and haul azz! Don't call her until your out of state.

 

Yikes..... that's exactly what my STBX did to me ... LOL ...

 

Don't mean to make light of a tough situation.. just so many familiar things

 

... like ....

 

The old "I'm not attracted to you anymore" gambit is often a red flag indicator that there's someone else your spouse IS attracted to.

[Portisphish]

You're best bet is to pack up your and your son's bags, and catch the next thing smoking out of town back to CA and your parents. And, then file for temp custody in CA, and divorce. This will entail your leaving everything worth stealing, etc. But you've got to look at the big picture and the long term.

 

Don't say s***, just pack your bags and "jet" the **** out of town. Women do it all the time.

 

Of course, another alternative military "wives" (No disrespect intended ~ its just that's the role your find yourself in) is to make all nice, be kissy-kissy, feed her candy and send her off to work, with a U-haul parked around the corner. When she's off, pack up what you can, and haul azz! Don't call her until your out of state.

 

 

I would love to do this, but the lawyer I spoke to on the phone, who specializes in miltary divorce, said she would just get a court order to bring him back. California is her home of record. If this is doable, I would love to do this. I don't care about much of the "stuff".

[Portisphish]

What a dummy I feel like. She called me at work today saying she would pick up our son from daycare...for the first time in months, btw. I somehow interpreted this as an offering of working things out. Rushed home...only to find her ready to go somewhere. One of the few nights she could be at home and she's gone. Won't be back tonight. She is cheating. She finally admitted it. Knew in my heart for a while. I have hotel reciepts, too. Don't think this proves anything. I also have an e-mail of her saying she wants to" ____ so and so, and that she is going through withdrawls." I'm realizing more and more how much better off I am going to be. My parents will be here Saturday. God knows I need the support. Took the kids to amusement park tonight to try and keep busy. Thanks for all the support. Will go and see the lawyer I spoke with on the phone next week. I have a list of questions. Can I trust the lawyer to give the proper advice even if it means losing me as a client? i.e. the moving to California thing?

 

Thanks much for your support.

 

Joking doesn't bother me. Laughing is better than crying.

 

Thanks for keeping me going.

 

I have a masters in psychology, and I just may have found the field I want to specialize in. This *&@# is rough, and I'd love to eventually help people going through this.

 

Keep me going everyone!

[Portisphish]

The range of emotions is incredible, and the quickness in which these emotions change is unbelievable.

[Gunny376]

True, but the thing is? Once you're out of IL district and back in Ca district, you've got IL and CA Pissing back and forth about who has juristictuion. Who's got the bigger *****! Gets interesting, damn quick, fast and in a hurry like!

 

Possession is 9/10ths of the law!

 

I didn't say it was easy? Its all day hard! But "do-able" Very do-able!

[Portisphish]

We had a rational, adult conversation this evening.

 

I will take our son during the school year.

She takes him for the summer.

She keeps the house.

Consolidated CC debt---her $200 -- me $100

Child support----$700/month during school year.

-----$350/month during summers.

 

She pays travel expenses for the summer.

Switch off holidays.

She keeps any possessions in the house.

I keep my car (paid off)

She keeps her car (owe 16K)

No other assets.

I get no retirement money from her.

We involve no lawyers.

 

My last ditch efforts to get her to reconsider and stay do not work.

 

She wants to help our son have a good life. She wants to be a part of his life. I don't want to deny her time with her son.

 

I think it's fair. What do you guys think? What am I forgetting?

 

It was nice to have a calm conversation. I can't remember the last time we had one. I'm starting to accept what's happening.

 

I still believe the best thing strictly for the kids is to stay together. Next best thing would be for me to follow her around and be in close proximity to her. Next best thing, I think, is an arrangement like we are trying to work out.

 

I don't want this. I feel awful for the two kids, but I can't make someone love me. I just can't understand why. I did everything for the family, and she makes decisions based on her own wants. I guess I'm better off alone with my son.

[Portisphish]

I'm feeling good about things, and go up to tell her goodnight, and she's on the phone with her "man". Damn, that hurts. It hurts bad. The good I was feeling is completely gone. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Portisphish]

OK. I'm finally starting to accept this. My parents are in town, and that helps a bunch. Does anyone have any comments on our agreement? Does it seem fair? I don't want to seem like I'm after money, but I do want our son to have the lifestyle he would have had if we had stayed together. I will get back on my feet and will finally have a chance to get a career going. I will not ask for any of her retirement because I don't think I deserve it...only 4 years of marriage, but the lawyer said I was entitled to it on the phone last week. I am going to the lawyer Tuesday basically to find out if our agreement seems fair. I don't want to go to court. I don't want to get lawyers involved.

[Cobra_X30]

Port, it seems pretty fair to me. But you need to get this in writing before you get all excited. Do you understand why?

[fuzzyhead]

hello im new to this site and i read your post i think i could be heading the same way as you. i have been with my wife for 18 years and i thought everything was great we have two little girls who we both love a few months ago i noticed a change in my wife after being with someone for as long as we have you now the feeling when something isnt right. well i found out that a guy who i know from her work place as been sending her text in a flirty way and she as ben flirting with him he is 54 and she is 36 when i spoke to her she said that it was just harmless fun and she as told this a55 that they can only be friends but i feel threatend by him. my wife says that im being stupid and we had a big fall out over it. she says she loves me but i have to stop thinking she is having any sexual relationship with this man, because its not true.

i know i suffer from insecurity and im scarred to tell her or ask her to stop flirting this way because i know i could lose her i try not to let her see its tearing me apart and when im on my own all i do is cry or sleep to try to forget about it. my heart goes out for you from one man to another and i hope you can get on with your life at the moment my kids are the only thing keeping me going and i dont know how to cope with the emotions that are tearing me apart inside. i thought about calling it a day with her but i love her so much, she said she needed space and for me not to be full on. i know the longer it goes on the worst i will feel. i have started seing a shrink for the insecurity but i feel its not helping.

[Portisphish]

Port, it seems pretty fair to me. But you need to get this in writing before you get all excited. Do you understand why?

 

Thanks for the reply, and...Yes...I understand, but it's not like I'm excited about it. I'm still tore up over the whole thing. The real question I have to face is why I would still want someone that could do this to our family. And in reality, that is just a cop out, too because I'm the only one she doesn't want. So....Why would I want someone that would do this to me? We're supposed to file paperwork Monday. We did the divorce online. Part of me still thinks she is going to come to her senses and beg for me to come back. How messed up is that?

[Portisphish]

hello im new to this site and i read your post i think i could be heading the same way as you. i have been with my wife for 18 years and i thought everything was great we have two little girls who we both love a few months ago i noticed a change in my wife after being with someone for as long as we have you now the feeling when something isnt right. well i found out that a guy who i know from her work place as been sending her text in a flirty way and she as ben flirting with him he is 54 and she is 36 when i spoke to her she said that it was just harmless fun and she as told this a55 that they can only be friends but i feel threatend by him. my wife says that im being stupid and we had a big fall out over it. she says she loves me but i have to stop thinking she is having any sexual relationship with this man, because its not true.

i know i suffer from insecurity and im scarred to tell her or ask her to stop flirting this way because i know i could lose her i try not to let her see its tearing me apart and when im on my own all i do is cry or sleep to try to forget about it. my heart goes out for you from one man to another and i hope you can get on with your life at the moment my kids are the only thing keeping me going and i dont know how to cope with the emotions that are tearing me apart inside. i thought about calling it a day with her but i love her so much, she said she needed space and for me not to be full on. i know the longer it goes on the worst i will feel. i have started seing a shrink for the insecurity but i feel its not helping.

 

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. What's helping me is time, and I need a lot more of it because I'm far from being over this. My wife asked for space, but I realized I couldn't give it to her. I truly believe that her mind was already made up, and my not giving her space didn't effect her decision. I do know that I will never, EVER rely on someone else for MY happiness ever again! Make your own way. Work on yourself. Make yourself happy. For you and for your kids.

[fuzzyhead]

how to cope with all the emotions running through my head, if it wasnt for my kids i think i would go mad i try to step back and give her time and space but when i do all i want to do is get closer to her. my parents split up about 8 years ago and i have told my wife that i will do anything i can to help our marriage i keep thinking what i should be doing to get ready in case we should split up i know should it happen that life goes on and i will get through it but its waiting for the end to come that scares me. i have asked my wife to come to see my shrink with me and sit in and that way she can see how messed up i am, i dont know weather thats a good idea or what ? i hope you are feeling well and happy. all i do is take one day at a time and hope for the best.

[Portisphish]

Well....thought I'd share an update. Can't believe it's been almost 4 years. Have been concentrating on my son and myself. Moved from Chicago back to sunny SoCal. Became a board certified behavior analyst. I have a decent job. I make enough to support myself and my son who has been with me full time. He has had little contact from his mother. A couple of meaningless relationships, but real dating has been difficult. The advice here helped. Thanks! I can't imagine still being in that relationship. Life is good!

[Duckduckgoose]

WOO AWESOME!!

I love to read before and after stuffs!

[reciprocalerivew]

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