Told Friend I had Feelings. Now HELL!

[rakula]

So the story goes.. Back in November someone told my friend, Judy. That I liked her. I denied it when she asked me about it. I never told anyone I had feelings for her so I didn't think I should even need to say anything. Plus she has a boyfriend why ruin that? Then stupid me feels guilty for lying to her. And I just couldn't take it after a while. I was pretty confused by her actions of the last 2 years. Sometimes they'd be signs of interest. So I thought I'd just get the monkey off my back and tell her last March.

 

So I tell her in person and she's like... oh.. that's fine. We can still be friends. It's not a big deal etc. She even sets up stuff for my b-day etc. but then a month or 2 later she's like. I don't think I can hangout with you solo for a while.. maybe in a group. Ever since you told me you liked me I feel a little weird. Then I'm like fine we'll meet up when you're ready.

 

Then I asked her again in June.. And we kinda set up a meeting. Then the day off. She sends me this long ass letter talking about what I did to her in the past etc.. and bringing undealt drama from the past. Then I cleared up all that I thought in my last email to respond to but I also add what she said the last 2 years that made me think she had feelings for me or saw me more than friends. When she gets the email she says thanks for the email. I want to let you know I still care about you and want to make this friendship work.

 

I'm like great me too. Then 2 days later she totally goes off saying I think I tell you too much. I think in order for the new friendship to start over you need to forget the last 5 years of conversations! (In my head I'm like WHAT?? how can I do that??) Then she continues on saying.. I'm sorry that I was so candid and honest with you. The only person I can be candid and honest with is my boyfriend and that's it! At this point I was like.. calm down.. I see what you've said to me so far. Lets talk about this when you're not working. (she wrote all this on IM)

 

So since then.. I asked her to meet up in person but she said she couldn't meet up until july 4th because she was really busy. But it's funny during those 2 weeks she had enough time for other friends. I saw this as a way for her to buy time. During those 2 weeks she was continuing conversation as normal. But she starts to hang out with my ex roommate whom she never hangs out with! Kinda pissed me off, but I guess she is trying to fill in her void or whatever. On IM we just chat here and there. I'm not sure what to think of that. So July 4th has come and gone and I haven't really said anything about that day or neither has she. I figured just let her be and let her just approach me.

 

SO what do you guys think I should do? Just let her be? Just don't even talk about it? I haven't been talking to her unless she starts the conversations first nowadays. I figure it will help her understand that I don't have those feelings like those anymore. Is this going to take months and months before I can even think about a friendship again or what?

[Hitman10000]

FRiends to...Romantic Lovers? Alright, here is something you gotta know. It might work for WOMEN to MEN, but not the other way around because you will get a "Creep" label. You see women are very logical, dumb men believe they are not, but they truly are. There's a difference between a man holding back but there is mutual attraction between the both AND a man being a shy little dog who follows a girl everywhere but holds deep romantic illusions...she might know but but she likes having a companion around.

 

I mean, women will not tell you this so I will tel you this because I'm a very awesome person on this board.

 

If a guy is beating around the bush for several months or in your case years before he comes out and shows his true intent, she distrusts you much more than a dickhead like me who upon the first meeting or second asks them out right then and there. You see guys like me get some action while guys like you hang around my girlfriends back pretending you are the knight in shining armor. Feel bad don't you? Please don't make this mistake ever again if you meet a woman you might be attracted to.

[rakula]

FRiends to...Romantic Lovers? Alright, here is something you gotta know. It might work for WOMEN to MEN, but not the other way around because you will get a "Creep" label. You see women are very logical, dumb men believe they are not, but they truly are. There's a difference between a man holding back but there is mutual attraction between the both AND a man being a shy little dog who follows a girl everywhere but holds deep romantic illusions...she might know but but she likes having a companion around.

 

I mean, women will not tell you this so I will tel you this because I'm a very awesome person on this board.

 

If a guy is beating around the bush for several months or in your case years before he comes out and shows his true intent, she distrusts you much more than a dickhead like me who upon the first meeting or second asks them out right then and there. You see guys like me get some action while guys like you hang around my girlfriends back pretending you are the knight in shining armor. Feel bad don't you? Please don't make this mistake ever again if you meet a woman you might be attracted to.

 

Yeah... I'm NEVER doing this again. That's for sure. But the thing is I didn't have feelings for her that way until much later in our freindship. We've been friends for like 10 years. Then the last two years all these feelings come up.

 

I see what you mean about she distrusts me much more than someone who is upfront like you. I guess because it seems like I've been fake all this time. I was probably emotionally used whenever **** broke out I'd always be there. I really didn't mind before and wasn't attracted to her like that. I guess I'm like that with my friends. And now I'm coming out and saying that I like her. She is probably mad that I have these feelings because I'm changing the relationship.

 

So do you say is happening right now? I don't make any effort to contact her she IMs me. What do yout think this is about? Keeping me on a leash until she figures out what to do with me?

[McFadden]

I think that she feels awkward now because she just wanted the friendship to stay the same, which is understandable, but not your fault. Do you still have feelings for her? If you do it is probably better not to hang out with her until you have gotten over it, and then maybe she will not feel awkward if you make it clear that you are over it.

[rakula]

I think that she feels awkward now because she just wanted the friendship to stay the same, which is understandable, but not your fault. Do you still have feelings for her? If you do it is probably better not to hang out with her until you have gotten over it, and then maybe she will not feel awkward if you make it clear that you are over it.

Actually no. I don't have feelings for her anymore (well feelings of more than friends), but I dont' think she is going to believe that I got over it so quickly until some more time has past. I think that is the only way she is going to feel for sure that I'm over it. That's just my theory though. I just miss our friendship, we just might need a breather though. I just wanted the friendship to stay the same but I think our previous friendship was a little blended. For the last 3 valentine's days, I sent flowers to her work and the first time we had a nice romantic dinner. Then 2nd one I made a flower shower for her. When she opened her apt door the flower petals fell on her. The 3rd was just flower to work. I'm not sure if she ever thought of any of this as more than just friends (I mean how can you not?). I was trying to take it to another level but she probably just enjoyed the attention. She could have the emotional benefits of more than a friendship and the safety of just a friendship. So I guess its about setting up a healthy friendship now. Otherwise I'm going to be emotionally involved and won't be able to find someone of my own where I can take it to the next level.

[Chinook]

Actually no. I don't have feelings for her anymore (well feelings of more than friends), but I dont' think she is going to believe that I got over it so quickly until some more time has past.

You have that right. She won't believe it until either more time has passed and things return to normal, or you start dating someone else. You see, as someone already said, very often girls aren't that emotional. They can pour out how they feel, but it's all a logical expression of feeling rather than neurotic emotional drama. Guys tend to make the mistake of only seeing it as drama. Your girl has plainly explained how she feels. She's said she doesn't see you as boyfriend material and what has come to pass has changed the friendship. How could it not...? You guys cannot do the sit-in-the-room-ignoring-the-huge-white-elephant thing. You can get past this by just dropping it now. Don't call her, don't IM her unless she IMs you, don't email her and don't hang out with her unless she wants to arrange it and show up. Carry on as normal with the rest of life and let it be. Eventually things will settle down again and maybe at that point you guys will have some semblance of your former friendship. But that process will take time to come to pass. Also, if it's a really good friendship, you guys will adapt and change with it. All things change, nothing stays the same. I have a guy friend this is happening with right now. I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but he's declared more-than-friends-feelings for me and I don't want that. So I have explained that this will stay how it is and we will get through it. We just have to realise that like other partnerships, friendships have things to test them and one of those things is often a crush on one side or both. Next time this happens when you have a friend and you have a crush with them... don't voice the feelings unless you know for absolute certain the feeling is mutual.

[rakula]

You see, as someone already said, very often girls aren't that emotional. They can pour out how they feel, but it's all a logical expression of feeling rather than neurotic emotional drama. Guys tend to make the mistake of only seeing it as drama. Your girl has plainly explained how she feels. She's said she doesn't see you as boyfriend material and what has come to pass has changed the friendship. How could it not...?

 

Ok.. Wrong choice of words here on my part. What I meant was undealt feelings from the past of an event I'm not going to state here. I do understand that I'm not boyfriend material. I think I kinda knew that but I guess I wanted to make sure where some of her comments were coming from.

 

For example.. One time we were having dinner along with a common friend of ours. Our friend asked me.. So.. why don't you tell us about all the girls you've been checking out online. Than my girl was all like... "uhhh I dunno.. I think you need to take care of that back hair first. I think I asked around the office and in order to get a girl you need to have a cleaner back." I was like what the hell? (in my head) Later on after dinner she calls me up and says, "Sorry. I kinda got jealous when (our friend) start talking about all the girls you were seeing. Sorry about bringing up the back hair I wanted to change the topic quickly."

 

She has also said that she'd be jealous if I got a girlfriend. I've asked many times about this but she doesn't really say anything to me.

 

So I really want to know what all those comments were about.

 

You guys cannot do the sit-in-the-room-ignoring-the-huge-white-elephant thing. You can get past this by just dropping it now. Don't call her, don't IM her unless she IMs you, don't email her and don't hang out with her unless she wants to arrange it and show up. Carry on as normal with the rest of life and let it be.

 

Yeah. I've been doing that since actually. I only talk when ever she makes an effort now. I am also not trying to let it consume my life as much either. I'm hanging out with other friends and getting out of the city for a while. Our chats online seem ok so far. I do need to understand this will all take sometime. Last Friday she said maybe we can go to the mall or do dinner sometime next week. So I'm guessing at least that's a good sign that she wants to at least work out the friendship on some level. I mean she stated it before that our friendship was important to her and she wants to work things out, but she said she was busy but it seemed like she was just trying to buy time. I was upset about this at first but now I'm realizing that this is all going to take some time.

 

Eventually things will settle down again and maybe at that point you guys will have some semblance of your former friendship. But that process will take time to come to pass. Also, if it's a really good friendship, you guys will adapt and change with it. All things change, nothing stays the same.

 

Yeah. I have to understand that friendships do change. I think that was the whole point of me bringing this all up. I wanted to make it a healthier friendship even though the withdrawal kind of hurts.

 

I have a guy friend this is happening with right now. I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but he's declared more-than-friends-feelings for me and I don't want that. So I have explained that this will stay how it is and we will get through it. We just have to realise that like other partnerships, friendships have things to test them and one of those things is often a crush on one side or both.

 

Right on! Good words of advice.

 

 

Next time this happens when you have a friend and you have a crush with them... don't voice the feelings unless you know for absolute certain the feeling is mutual.

 

How do I find out for absolute certain unless I ask them? I kinda got the hint in December that she didn't feel the same way. When she asked me about it I denied it. But I guess I felt bad that I wasn't honest with her and just spilled the beans anyway in March. I guess I kinda asked for all this **** to come up. I'm just trying to have faith that ending the way the friendship was before is a good thing, so that a new healthier friendship can be born. I know it sucks big time right now. I just need to have faith that it will work out well in the end.

 

 

I have a question.... So when we meet up in person should I just let her bring it up? If it's never brought up then it's just like we are putting this elephant back in the living room right?

 

Chinook, How do you plan to deal with your friend? Are some things going to change between ya'll? As in what things you talk about or do?

[Chinook]

Okay, let's answer your questions first...

 

Firstly, your one mistake was that you felt bad for denying you had feelings for her when she had already made it plain that if that was the case it was going nowhere. You were right, there is great honour in choosing to tell the truth. However, sometimes... telling the truth isn't always the right thing to do. I think this lesson you have learned no...?

 

Secondly, bringing the subject up. If I were you, I would bring it up first. I would say to her 'look, I'm glad we're friends and that's all I wanted or needed' and leave it be.

[Chinook]

As for me and R... I have no idea. I don't plan to alienate him or push him away (we're really close right now). But at the same time he needs to know that I just cannot go there with him. I don't want to hurt him. That, I don't want to do so badly. He told me today 'I have all the time in the world' which is kinda encouraging no..? He will wait and any guy who is willing to be there for their friend and wait to just see what the outcome MIGHT be, is worth his weight in gold IMHO.

[rakula]

Okay, let's answer your questions first...

 

Firstly, your one mistake was that you felt bad for denying you had feelings for her when she had already made it plain that if that was the case it was going nowhere. You were right, there is great honour in choosing to tell the truth. However, sometimes... telling the truth isn't always the right thing to do. I think this lesson you have learned no...?

 

Secondly, bringing the subject up. If I were you, I would bring it up first. I would say to her 'look, I'm glad we're friends and that's all I wanted or needed' and leave it be.

 

Yeah... I guess sometimes telling the truth and being open and honest like that isn't worth it. She was trying to say that she doesnt' feel that way at all if that were the case. I really should have taken that hint. GOSH! sigh. I guess I always have this thing about the truth. But I knew there was no reason to say anything about it. I should have really dropped it. Things were going good. I think the reason I brought it up was because I was slowly distancing myself and she was wondering why. I thought I'd be a good friend and tell her what was going on.

 

Well I think your advice on the 2nd question is a great one. It's simple and to the point. Our last IM conversation before we decided to wait to talk in person was her telling me that she thinks she tells me too much stuff about her life and that can be hurtful in most friendships. I don't agree with that though. I think with close friendships you can be open and honest quite a bit.

I didn't want to lose that with her. Perhaps she was speaking in the heat of the moment. I guess I'll have to find out when I meet up with her.

[directx]

That whole 'telling someone you have feelings' deal is a NIGHTMARE.

 

It all relies on the person of the receiving end on how it plays out.

So you come back feeling like a putz or pretty good.

 

I think this one blew up in your face (same thing happened to me not too long ago). Don't feel bad. You had to know.

 

But I would let this woman go. I wouldn't burn a bridge. Just let her go and see if she ever comes back. Don't wait for her. Keep hunting.

[Yamaha]

It all depends on the maturity level of the person receiving the "I have feeling for you" admission. If they are mature they will sit down and talk about things and see if you can/want a friendship ( sometimes it's not possible if you can't see them as just friends ). If they are immature they will avoid you and blame you for ruining the friendship.

[Trialbyfire]

Sometimes you can move from friendship to something else. It depends on how close you are. If you're a close friend, it rarely works because the girl will feel betrayed.

 

If you're not a close friend, you might be surprised at how often this does turn from friendship to a dating situation.

[rakula]

It all depends on the maturity level of the person receiving the "I have feeling for you" admission. If they are mature they will sit down and talk about things and see if you can/want a friendship ( sometimes it's not possible if you can't see them as just friends ). If they are immature they will avoid you and blame you for ruining the friendship.

Wow. You're so right about this one. I don't think Judy is being too mature about this. A common friend of ours said that she it seemed like she was acting like she was in high school again. (No offense to those high school people on this board) I was just going to reveal my feelings and if they weren't returned then fine move along to friendship. However, I think all this is a big shock to her (kinda doubt it) so she'll need time to think about things. This distance will be a good thing as "direct x" stated. At first I think she was kinda blaming about bringing it up, but I think she is coming around to meeting up now. We'll have to find out.. won't we?

[rakula]

Sometimes you can move from friendship to something else. It depends on how close you are. If you're a close friend, it rarely works because the girl will feel betrayed.

 

If you're not a close friend, you might be surprised at how often this does turn from friendship to a dating situation.

Yeah we've been close friends for about 8 years I'd say. I was way high on her friendship latter. When you're that high on the ladder I suppose it's pretty hard to jump to the other latter. I also think this depends on person to person. I'm a kind of person that wouldn't mind ended up with my best friend. I think Judy the type that could only be with someone whom she kinda just recently met. Once she puts a guy in the friends zone it's over. I guess I didn't see this at all when she made comments like. If we don't get married by a certain age then we'll get married.. basically like an insurance policy. So I didn't think revealing my feelings would have been a big deal, and didn't thinks he'd slap a "brother" label on our friendship. Now that I've revealed all these feelings there is a sense of distrust I'm thinking. She doesn't know if she can be that close again. Thus dropping a couple of notches off that ladder.

[rakula]

Ok... I'm meeting her up tomorrow. She actually just wanted to meet up earlier on a whim. Like hey! lets go get some bubble tea! It didn't happen though because she was tied up at work. But anyway tomorrow we are having dinner and I'm wondering if this is even a good idea? Like I'd like to get together to talk about stuff, but is it too soon? I know some of you were saying to wait 4 to 6 months before she'll come around to meeting up. What do you guys think about this though? She might be reeling me back in but in a healthier way? The heart grew fonder since I put more distance between us?

[rakula]

Well we met up yesterday and resolved the whole thing face to face. I think the time apart was a good idea for getting over it all. It allowed it to step back and think about things and then discuss them. We might have overreacted at first but I think we understand that we need a new kind of friendship now. This worked out for me because we both wanted the friendship to work. Thanks for all of your advice. I hope all of your searching for closures and answers get it like I did. Thanks loveshack.org!

[Chinook]

Well we met up yesterday and resolved the whole thing face to face. I think the time apart was a good idea for getting over it all. It allowed it to step back and think about things and then discuss them. We might have overreacted at first but I think we understand that we need a new kind of friendship now. This worked out for me because we both wanted the friendship to work. Thanks for all of your advice. I hope all of your searching for closures and answers get it like I did. Thanks loveshack.org!

How cool is that..?

Glad you got it sorted out.

[rakula]

How cool is that..?

Glad you got it sorted out.

Actually.. Things were going great. But it's weird. My mind still can't stop thinking about it! Although we resolved the past, I forgot to ask her what kind of friendship we want now. She told me on IM like a month prior that she isn't going to ever tell me anything about her personal life or how she is feeling. I'm not sure if that was in the heat of the argument. She did mention when we met up that she doesn't always react the right when she is first told serious stuff like this. At the same time I said.. I'm not sure if you really meant what yous said on IM, but I'm just letting you know I'm there for you. All I got was a sigh and no response. So I decided to drop it. I think we ended off the discussion with more closure from the past. So I went home feeling good about everything.

 

I guess at this point is there even point in discussing anything? Should I let actions just speak as words? Ever since our face to face meeting, we chat on IM little here and there. She did invite me the other day to a movie with a group of friends. So I guess this is how the new friendship is going to be? Just hang out friends for now?

 

I think I just feel the irratiatoin that I lost the old friendship. I'm not really sure. I just don't understand after meet up and getting some kind of closure, I still can't stop thinking about it! HELP LOVESHACK! SOS!

[blue16]

Actually.. Things were going great. But it's weird. My mind still can't stop thinking about it! Although we resolved the past, I forgot to ask her what kind of friendship we want now. She told me on IM like a month prior that she isn't going to ever tell me anything about her personal life or how she is feeling. I'm not sure if that was in the heat of the argument. She did mention when we met up that she doesn't always react the right when she is first told serious stuff like this. At the same time I said.. I'm not sure if you really meant what yous said on IM, but I'm just letting you know I'm there for you. All I got was a sigh and no response. So I decided to drop it. I think we ended off the discussion with more closure from the past. So I went home feeling good about everything.

 

I guess at this point is there even point in discussing anything? Should I let actions just speak as words? Ever since our face to face meeting, we chat on IM little here and there. She did invite me the other day to a movie with a group of friends. So I guess this is how the new friendship is going to be? Just hang out friends for now?

 

I think I just feel the irratiatoin that I lost the old friendship. I'm not really sure. I just don't understand after meet up and getting some kind of closure, I still can't stop thinking about it! HELP LOVESHACK! SOS!

 

Man, I dunno why a guy would want a 'female friend' if there's gonna be all this drama involved. Do you think you would have these issues with a male friend? Hell no.

 

If you're attracted to or interested in a girl, either ask her out or use her for hookups on the side or it's not worth your time. Platonic female friends who are causing you all this drama (and not getting any from) is almost pointless.

[Yamaha]

Trying to hold onto a friendship because you spilled the beans and she freaked is hard and will usually slowly dwindle as time goes on. I know you want to feel like you can be friends, and maybe you can in a few years, but she will be asking herself in her association with you, " am I sending him any mixed signals?" You can't be honest and talk about everything now because she sees you differently. I would just accept what she gives you as if you push for more she will want to see you less and less.

 

Look for a girl. If she sees you with another girl things might improve between you 2.