Trapped in Nowhere, what do I do?

[Rhea Lynn]

I am an 18 year old college freshman majoring in psychology. I have been dating my current boyfriend for technically a year and a half, but one might say we got together years before that. We are what one might call a golden couple. We are the 90's rendition of the quarterback/cheerleading captain relationship. Nobody ever expects us to break up. Our parents are already making wedding plans, our sisters call each other "sis" and we have "named" our future children. Superficially, I have my entire life laid out in plans for me to take.

 

I am a free spirit and an artist. I have a passion for life and a true appreciation for the value of it. I have spent the last five years of my life working all year so that I can travel internationally each summer to a different country. I love people, I love culture, I love life. Eric, my boyfriend, is simple minded and naive. He has no respect or appreciation for anything. He has been handed everything he owns, and will continue to be handed everything as he advances through life. He is not the same person I thought he was about 3 years ago. He's nice, but he has no passion. He has no hobbies, no social life, no personality, nothing. He has no motivation, he earns bad marks and doesn't have a job. To be frank, he is boring. We are both Christians, he being more strict than I am. And we shared our first sexual experience together. That means (in his eyes) that we are now bound for marriage. He's about as exciting in bed as he is outside the bedroom. I've pretended to live happily ever after with him for a long time. I play sweet little girlfriend, his parents think I am an angel sent from heaven. I play along because I feel obligated to live up to what I have started. If we broke up, the relationship between our parents would also end. My parents would be bitterly disappointed and I don't know what would happen to Eric. His plan is to take over the family buisness (huge international company), marry me, have children and die. It you take me out of that equation, he has nothing left (those are his words). He won't get the buisness if his parents think he did something to make us break up, he won't get married, and he won't have kids. I don't want to be responsible for that but I feel like I need something more in a relationship than what we have.

 

I found it. I met a man at work one day. We started talking and he invited me down to his work. He's a paramedic and works 48 hour shifts in my small town where nothing ever happens. Eventually I went down to the station and we talked the whole night, something I haven't done in a long time (Eric's not much of a conversationalist)John (the paramedic) is 27 years old, and very handsome. We share the same ideas, the same dreams of travel and a deep passion for life. To make a long story shorter, the first night I went to see him ended in us kissing. Well, that sounds okay doesn't it? It's not, John's married. None the less, I had enjoyed myself profusely and decided that I would continue with this relationship. Since then, it has prgressed unto a sexual relationship. We don't have intercourse, and I don't expect nor wish for it go that far. But what John does to me is unbelieveable. I have never before experienced such satisfaction. He is like a teacher to me. He enlightens me to all the things I never thought possible. It's not as though he is using me, because he is getting nearly nothing out of it. We don't have intercourse and I don't give oral sex. Am I using him? Probably.

 

Anyway, to solve my problem with Eric, that of me not being able to break it off, and also to solve my problem of being a "home wrecker" by carrying on a relationship with John; I decided to transfer my schooling to New York. Now this decision was not based totally on my intention to run away from my problems, I was going to New York eventually anyway.

 

All was peachy until I told my parents I was moving to New York, which was fine with them, and they told Eric's parents. So... since I'm relocating, so is Eric. Instead of my getting away, he wants to pack up and go with me. And not only that, but he wants to share an apartment. How can I say no? His family is willing to give us a corporation that makes over a million a year and pay for my 9 year college education. I recieved my marks from college last week and did very well. When Eric's father asked me how I did, I told him, of course. He looked at me and said, "Rhea, what are you doing here? You could go to anywhere." He asks me all the time why I stay with his son, because he knows what kind of person he is and he knows I could find much better.

 

I can truthfully say that I could spent the rest of my life with Eric. He doesn't bother me that much, he basically just leaves me alone. I derive happines from helping people and would be perfectly happy just doing my job. So, my question is.... Do I give up the life that has been offered to me so generously and risk losing a great deal of friendship and respect for what I have found with John? I am not expecting to stay with John, but rather find someone of his type and personality that is unmarried. What should I do??

[z]

Rhea,

 

It sounds to me like you already know what you want to do. I guess you could say that your decisions will be based on your perceptions of marriage and relationships.

 

If you like to read about relationships(which does have something to do with psycholog) I would look into books that talk about setting preferences for your "perfect" mate...of course, no one is perfect(accepting the good with the bad) but you should probably make a list of traits that are the most important to you---do you want a man you can talk to and relate with?, someone who possibly enjoys helping others(as you do), or anything else that you may find important....more than likely, you already know what you want--you probably just haven't really thought about it.

 

as for this guy who is married----it's not worth it...Just think, this guy is cheating on his wife...do you want someone who would lie to the person that he supposedly loves...relationships just aren't about ourselves and our wants--it's about others as well....you're only doing a disservice to yourself by being with someone who really could care less about you(even though he may say so--actions always speak louder than words)---trust me, I'm a guy and I know how guys tend to be.

 

of course, if this is what you want--it's your life and your decision...you make choices for your life(and if your family really loves you---as well as your boyfriend) then they will accept your choices and love you anyway...loving someone means doing something completely for them--without getting anything in return.

 

I know that it's easy for me( a complete and utter stranger to be giving "advice"--which a true counselor should never do(you'll find this out depending on the classes that you take) only you can make the decision for yourself....It's your life...so make the best of it.

 

I am an 18 year old college freshman majoring in psychology. I have been dating my current boyfriend for technically a year and a half, but one might say we got together years before that. We are what one might call a golden couple. We are the 90's rendition of the quarterback/cheerleading captain relationship. Nobody ever expects us to break up. Our parents are already making wedding plans, our sisters call each other "sis" and we have "named" our future children. Superficially, I have my entire life laid out in plans for me to take. I am a free spirit and an artist. I have a passion for life and a true appreciation for the value of it. I have spent the last five years of my life working all year so that I can travel internationally each summer to a different country. I love people, I love culture, I love life. Eric, my boyfriend, is simple minded and naive. He has no respect or appreciation for anything. He has been handed everything he owns, and will continue to be handed everything as he advances through life. He is not the same person I thought he was about 3 years ago. He's nice, but he has no passion. He has no hobbies, no social life, no personality, nothing. He has no motivation, he earns bad marks and doesn't have a job. To be frank, he is boring. We are both Christians, he being more strict than I am. And we shared our first sexual experience together. That means (in his eyes) that we are now bound for marriage. He's about as exciting in bed as he is outside the bedroom. I've pretended to live happily ever after with him for a long time. I play sweet little girlfriend, his parents think I am an angel sent from heaven. I play along because I feel obligated to live up to what I have started. If we broke up, the relationship between our parents would also end. My parents would be bitterly disappointed and I don't know what would happen to Eric. His plan is to take over the family buisness (huge international company), marry me, have children and die. It you take me out of that equation, he has nothing left (those are his words). He won't get the buisness if his parents think he did something to make us break up, he won't get married, and he won't have kids. I don't want to be responsible for that but I feel like I need something more in a relationship than what we have. I found it. I met a man at work one day. We started talking and he invited me down to his work. He's a paramedic and works 48 hour shifts in my small town where nothing ever happens. Eventually I went down to the station and we talked the whole night, something I haven't done in a long time (Eric's not much of a conversationalist)John (the paramedic) is 27 years old, and very handsome. We share the same ideas, the same dreams of travel and a deep passion for life. To make a long story shorter, the first night I went to see him ended in us kissing. Well, that sounds okay doesn't it? It's not, John's married. None the less, I had enjoyed myself profusely and decided that I would continue with this relationship. Since then, it has prgressed unto a sexual relationship. We don't have intercourse, and I don't expect nor wish for it go that far. But what John does to me is unbelieveable. I have never before experienced such satisfaction. He is like a teacher to me. He enlightens me to all the things I never thought possible. It's not as though he is using me, because he is getting nearly nothing out of it. We don't have intercourse and I don't give oral sex. Am I using him? Probably. Anyway, to solve my problem with Eric, that of me not being able to break it off, and also to solve my problem of being a "home wrecker" by carrying on a relationship with John; I decided to transfer my schooling to New York. Now this decision was not based totally on my intention to run away from my problems, I was going to New York eventually anyway. All was peachy until I told my parents I was moving to New York, which was fine with them, and they told Eric's parents. So... since I'm relocating, so is Eric. Instead of my getting away, he wants to pack up and go with me. And not only that, but he wants to share an apartment. How can I say no? His family is willing to give us a corporation that makes over a million a year and pay for my 9 year college education. I recieved my marks from college last week and did very well. When Eric's father asked me how I did, I told him, of course. He looked at me and said, "Rhea, what are you doing here? You could go to anywhere." He asks me all the time why I stay with his son, because he knows what kind of person he is and he knows I could find much better. I can truthfully say that I could spent the rest of my life with Eric. He doesn't bother me that much, he basically just leaves me alone. I derive happines from helping people and would be perfectly happy just doing my job. So, my question is.... Do I give up the life that has been offered to me so generously and risk losing a great deal of friendship and respect for what I have found with John? I am not expecting to stay with John, but rather find someone of his type and personality that is unmarried. What should I do??

[Hopeless]

Rhea Lynn,

 

You sound exactly like how I felt a few years ago -- stuck in a "comfortable" relationship that "wasn't so bad" and made a lot of sense intellectually.

 

Too bad I wanted more out of life and decided to get out of it. My feelings were just like yours -- she was a great person, but we no longer shared a passion for the same things. We were both growing in different directions, and for me to become a "complete" person, I had to let her go. That was in my Junior year of college (although it took a little while longer to fully cut all ties). Her and I went out for over 5 years and the breakup was horrible and not at all easy. But I overcame it and so did she (she is now married). The things I learned about myself and about life would not have been possible since then, even though I still struggle with some situations (see my posting(s)). But seriously, you are just beginning to discover who you are and college is going to change you in ways you can't even conceive of right now. Staying with John will, I promise you, make you feel "stuck" in old ways. You may start to resent him. The hardest thing you will have to do is get out of it, but the pain is worth it -- believe me on that. You already know it's what you want. Go do it.

 

I am an 18 year old college freshman majoring in psychology. I have been dating my current boyfriend for technically a year and a half, but one might say we got together years before that. We are what one might call a golden couple. We are the 90's rendition of the quarterback/cheerleading captain relationship. Nobody ever expects us to break up. Our parents are already making wedding plans, our sisters call each other "sis" and we have "named" our future children. Superficially, I have my entire life laid out in plans for me to take. I am a free spirit and an artist. I have a passion for life and a true appreciation for the value of it. I have spent the last five years of my life working all year so that I can travel internationally each summer to a different country. I love people, I love culture, I love life. Eric, my boyfriend, is simple minded and naive. He has no respect or appreciation for anything. He has been handed everything he owns, and will continue to be handed everything as he advances through life. He is not the same person I thought he was about 3 years ago. He's nice, but he has no passion. He has no hobbies, no social life, no personality, nothing. He has no motivation, he earns bad marks and doesn't have a job. To be frank, he is boring. We are both Christians, he being more strict than I am. And we shared our first sexual experience together. That means (in his eyes) that we are now bound for marriage. He's about as exciting in bed as he is outside the bedroom. I've pretended to live happily ever after with him for a long time. I play sweet little girlfriend, his parents think I am an angel sent from heaven. I play along because I feel obligated to live up to what I have started. If we broke up, the relationship between our parents would also end. My parents would be bitterly disappointed and I don't know what would happen to Eric. His plan is to take over the family buisness (huge international company), marry me, have children and die. It you take me out of that equation, he has nothing left (those are his words). He won't get the buisness if his parents think he did something to make us break up, he won't get married, and he won't have kids. I don't want to be responsible for that but I feel like I need something more in a relationship than what we have. I found it. I met a man at work one day. We started talking and he invited me down to his work. He's a paramedic and works 48 hour shifts in my small town where nothing ever happens. Eventually I went down to the station and we talked the whole night, something I haven't done in a long time (Eric's not much of a conversationalist)John (the paramedic) is 27 years old, and very handsome. We share the same ideas, the same dreams of travel and a deep passion for life. To make a long story shorter, the first night I went to see him ended in us kissing. Well, that sounds okay doesn't it? It's not, John's married. None the less, I had enjoyed myself profusely and decided that I would continue with this relationship. Since then, it has prgressed unto a sexual relationship. We don't have intercourse, and I don't expect nor wish for it go that far. But what John does to me is unbelieveable. I have never before experienced such satisfaction. He is like a teacher to me. He enlightens me to all the things I never thought possible. It's not as though he is using me, because he is getting nearly nothing out of it. We don't have intercourse and I don't give oral sex. Am I using him? Probably. Anyway, to solve my problem with Eric, that of me not being able to break it off, and also to solve my problem of being a "home wrecker" by carrying on a relationship with John; I decided to transfer my schooling to New York. Now this decision was not based totally on my intention to run away from my problems, I was going to New York eventually anyway. All was peachy until I told my parents I was moving to New York, which was fine with them, and they told Eric's parents. So... since I'm relocating, so is Eric. Instead of my getting away, he wants to pack up and go with me. And not only that, but he wants to share an apartment. How can I say no? His family is willing to give us a corporation that makes over a million a year and pay for my 9 year college education. I recieved my marks from college last week and did very well. When Eric's father asked me how I did, I told him, of course. He looked at me and said, "Rhea, what are you doing here? You could go to anywhere." He asks me all the time why I stay with his son, because he knows what kind of person he is and he knows I could find much better. I can truthfully say that I could spent the rest of my life with Eric. He doesn't bother me that much, he basically just leaves me alone. I derive happines from helping people and would be perfectly happy just doing my job. So, my question is.... Do I give up the life that has been offered to me so generously and risk losing a great deal of friendship and respect for what I have found with John? I am not expecting to stay with John, but rather find someone of his type and personality that is unmarried. What should I do??