Controlling Mother

[Born Again]

Dear All-

I am 42 years old, and the oldest son of three boys. I have been married for almost 15 years, I have two beautiful children of my own, and I have a wonderful and a very supportive wife. Unfortunately, I have a 67 year-old mother who is a very selfish, meddling, controlling, and extremely negative person- all traits which stem from the fact that she has a very low self-esteem of herself.

 

As you can imagine, growing up in a house with a Mom like that was pretty tough, and it had caused me a lot of emotional pain in my early years- pain that I still carry to this day. When I was thirteen, they left the Unted States and moved me to Europe, a place that I did not want to be. In Europe I had to make new friends, learn a new language, and struggle with a new culture. Being a teen in a house with a Mom like that was tough enough, and the new culture made it even tougher. When I finally did finish High School, my immediate objective was to get away from her. So I enrolled in the US Armed Forces, left Europe, and returned back home to the USA at the age of 18.

 

In the USA I learned to make it on my own without their help- financial or emotional. I finished the Armed Forces, put myself through 5 years of University, and obtained my Bachelor's degree. Mom and Dad were not able to make it to my graduation- they had other things that prevented them from doing so.

 

Shortly after graduation, I obtained my first professional job, and soon thereafter married an American woman I had been dating for about 5 years or so. Mom ofcourse didn't approve of her since she was 'American'. My Mom then convinced a then-naive son (me) to have the wedding in Europe. At the time, I was not particularly enthusiastic about exposing my midwestern inlaws to my parents. I thought there were far too many inter-cultural issues for Mom to overcome, and I did not think she could handle it. As a result of these issues and the costs involved, my inlaws ultimately did not attend their daughters wedding. Although sad, I feel this was the 'lesser' of two evils.

 

So, without inlaws, we went to Europe and married. Although we had it a little rough in the beginning, looking back fifteen years later I see that my wife and I did just fine- she was the right choice for me. Marrying into her family caused me to create a strong support group of my own in the United States, with my mother and father in-law, brother in-law, friends, and more. It was a support group that my Mom and Dad were never able to integrate into- in fact, after over 15 years of marriage, my Mom and Dad have still never met my in laws face to face. I still feel it is better this way.

 

About 6 years ago, my wife and I decided to leave the United States and move to Europe (sound familiar??). I found a job here, moved myself, my wife, and my two young children here. After an extremely rough transition that lasted nearly 4 years, we are finally able to look back and claim success. Now that I am established in Europe, I am physically closer to my Mother than I actually want to be, although we are in different countries in Europe. Here lately, Mom has been putting a lot of pressure on me to send them the grandkids to stay with them, to call her more often, to spend our vacations there with them, and a myriad of other ways to get our attention. She wants to be closer to me and my family- I understand that, she's lonely (my other brothers are in the USA).

 

I do know what to do, and I am doing it. I have laid down very firm boundaries with her, and I have explained it to her many times- to the point where we have had some pretty serious fights. She still has not figured it out. I don't think she ever will. She constantly tries to manipulate my family and I, and she will do it anyway she can- including using other family members to 'sway' my decisions.

 

The problem is, with her its a one way street. We should go there, they should not have to come here. We should send them the grand kids, we should call them, etc. Guys, I feel that I have done too much for her in my life already. I feel that I have carried more than my fair share of pain directly caused by her bad choices. I am not willing to do these 'shoulds' to please her anymore- at least not yet. Not until the 'emotional scales' inside of me are balanced again. She is beginning to understand this, and here lately she is putting up one 'heck' of a fight.

 

Mind you I don't want to cut them off, they are my parents and I do love them- and I always will. I just want them to know that they need to respect my choices, I have been way too independent in my life to allow myself to be suffocated by my Mother at the age of 42. They need to know that they also will have to make sacrifices if they want to keep a relationship with me, my wife, and their grand kids. Guys, it is a two-way street after all, isn't it?

 

I am wondering if there are many people my age (42) out there who have a similar story to tell- I am sure I am not the only one. Did you all handle this in a similar manner, by laying down firm boundaries and not giving in? If so, what were the outcomes and consequences of your actions? What happened as your parents got older- did they come around, did they disown you, or did you all find middle ground? I am sincerely interested in your circumstances and in any advice you may have to share.

 

Born Again

[Lynna]

Wow, and I thought my Mom was bad!

 

I read your post initially because my mother has gotten worse as she has gotten older so I was looking for ways of dealing with her. My brother and I were just talking about this the other day. My mother is very selfish and always wants to be the center of attention. She is always complaining, I don't think anything makes her truly happy now that I think about it. My father can do nothing right to hear her say it. Neither can my brother. For some reason I can, so she complains to me about my father and my brother (though apparently even I screw up sometimes). I don't like being my mother's venting outlet. I don't like hearing all these negative comments about my father.

 

My mother wants everything her way, including my wedding, though I was able to get around her on some things. My brother and husband both call her a drama queen. Everyone needs to work and do what she says, and you better do it right. When she gets tired of working, she will keep directing. If you try and take a break, or go do something fun for awhile, then she will complain that you don't understand how hard it all is for her. She lays guilt trips on you extremely well to manipulate you into doing what she wants.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give you as I am looking for it myself. I am only recently married and dealing with some marriage issues. My mother does not know about them, but got very upset the other day when I did not respond the way she wanted me to in a phone call. Of course, she never told me she was upset, she told her mother who then emailed me! How convoluted is that. I just want to scream at her, "Mother, you have NO IDEA that some people have lives that are in more pain right now than you!" Her petty work problems are something everyone experiences, but it is crisis central for her. If I did tell her what was going on in my life, she would obsess about it. She would ask about it all the time, she would try and force her opinion on me about it.

 

How did you go about setting boundaries with your mother without sending her off the deep end? Every time I have tried to think about how to do it, I just see my mother freaking out and my father trying to calm her down and convince her that I am not some evil monster. I feel she would just shut me out completely. I don't want that, she is my mother and I do love her as you do.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you get some good advice!

[Born Again]

Dear Lynna-

Thank you for responding to my posting about my controlling mother. When I read your reply, I see that your mother and mine share many similarities- the fact that she is getting more selfish and controlling as she gets older, always wanting to be the center of attention, always complaining, the guilt trips, the manipulating, etc. I have learned also that it is impossible to make my mother happy- she always wants more than what you can give her. And my father, like yours, can never do anything to satisfy my Mom.

 

About your marriage issues- I would advise you not to tell your Mom about them. Doing so will just give her more ‘ammunition’, and she will turn it around in some manner to her favour. She might end up saying things like: ‘I told you so’, ‘You should not have married him’, etc. So the less information you give her, the better off you are.

 

I guess we are both looking for ways of dealing with a very controlling person. When that person is not near and dear to our hearts it’s easy- you just shut them out. But when that person is someone like Mom, it’s a little trickier. What I have been doing is setting down strict boundaries with her. In setting these boundaries, I found out that the best way to do it is to find a ‘sensitive chord’ of my mothers, and work with that. For example, in my case, my mother cherishes her grandkids- especially my oldest boy, who is her first grandchild. She wants me to send her my oldest child this summer to stay with them for a month. Problem is, I sent my oldest child last year, and so I don’t think it is fair to send him again, I think it would be a better idea to send my younger child there to spend some time with them. But, they don’t want him, as he is too rambunctious- they only want the older one. So, I decided not to send any of them- in other words, I am not letting her get her way. By her not receiving any grandchildren, I am hoping that she will get the message that she should treat both of the grandkids equally, not favour the older one just because he is the first grandkid. It is definitely not fair to the younger one. Follow me?

 

So basically, you need to find something that means a lot to your mother, and use it to your advantage. In the above example, I am using the grandkids (I know that sounds horrible), but you can use anything. For example, if your Mom likes to get everyone together for a family dinner every Christmas, you need to challenge that. This Xmas, go on a skiing vacation with your husband instead. That will give her a clear message that you will not let her call the shots. Then, when she eventually gets the message (it will not happen overnight) that you will do it on YOUR terms, you can ‘reward’ her by attending a future Xmas family dinner. Do you see the point I am trying to illustrate? Key word: you have to CHALLENGE her.

 

We have to be careful in not going ‘overboard’ with these boundaries though. As we both know, they are our parents and we do love them. And I am sure we will also be in their shoes one day. If we are too firm with the boundaries, we will come across as ‘not loving’ them. But if we are too loose with the boundaries, they will sense it and they will use that to their advantage- especially controlling people like our mothers. Like anything else in life, it is a delicate balancing act.

 

Good luck to you. I enjoyed hearing from you, and I hope the above helps. Let me know if you need any more help regarding finding something to challenge Mom on! Take care-

Born Again

[Elmo]

Wow, and I thought my Mom was bad!

 

I read your post initially because my mother has gotten worse as she has gotten older so I was looking for ways of dealing with her. My brother and I were just talking about this the other day. My mother is very selfish and always wants to be the center of attention. She is always complaining, I don't think anything makes her truly happy now that I think about it. My father can do nothing right to hear her say it. Neither can my brother. For some reason I can, so she complains to me about my father and my brother (though apparently even I screw up sometimes). I don't like being my mother's venting outlet. I don't like hearing all these negative comments about my father.

 

My mother wants everything her way, including my wedding, though I was able to get around her on some things. My brother and husband both call her a drama queen. Everyone needs to work and do what she says, and you better do it right. When she gets tired of working, she will keep directing. If you try and take a break, or go do something fun for awhile, then she will complain that you don't understand how hard it all is for her. She lays guilt trips on you extremely well to manipulate you into doing what she wants.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give you as I am looking for it myself. I am only recently married and dealing with some marriage issues. My mother does not know about them, but got very upset the other day when I did not respond the way she wanted me to in a phone call. Of course, she never told me she was upset, she told her mother who then emailed me! How convoluted is that. I just want to scream at her, "Mother, you have NO IDEA that some people have lives that are in more pain right now than you!" Her petty work problems are something everyone experiences, but it is crisis central for her. If I did tell her what was going on in my life, she would obsess about it. She would ask about it all the time, she would try and force her opinion on me about it.

 

How did you go about setting boundaries with your mother without sending her off the deep end? Every time I have tried to think about how to do it, I just see my mother freaking out and my father trying to calm her down and convince her that I am not some evil monster. I feel she would just shut me out completely. I don't want that, she is my mother and I do love her as you do.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you get some good advice!

 

Google DETACHMENT.

[Lynna]

Thanks for the advice Born Again. Here it was your post and you end up giving me advice! I appreciate it! I will try to think of ways that I can establish boundaries with my mother. I tried to set one the other day when she wanted me to review a paper she had written for a function. I told her I would be glad to do it by a certain day, but that I could not do it earlier. Apparently she got very upset about this, and even told my grandmother that I was acting like she was not important or something. My grandmother emailed me and told me that she was upset. How crazy is that? Argh.

 

I have learned also that it is impossible to make my mother happy- she always wants more than what you can give her.

 

This is very sad isn't it. We love our parents. And we want anyone we love to be happy and fullfilled. Yet, to recognize that they are not capable of EVER being happy is just very sad. I wonder why they cannot recognize it themselves. Our family has tried to encourage my mother to go into counseling several times in the past, always gently and lovingly. She has never been willing to do it. I think that she really could benefit by developing a greater understanding of her character.

 

About your marriage issues- I would advise you not to tell your Mom about them. Doing so will just give her more ‘ammunition’, and she will turn it around in some manner to her favour.

 

I agree with you about this. Unless my marriage ends up in a D, I will never tell her about what is going on, and even in that extreme I won't tell her all the details. That is sad too in a way. I should feel comfortable to go to my parents in times of need. That is what family is for, right? But I can't. LS helps a lot there having someone to talk to. And I am NOT going to make my mother's mistake and I will seek some counseling. I DO want to be happy in my life!!!!

 

She wants me to send her my oldest child this summer to stay with them for a month. Problem is, I sent my oldest child last year, and so I don’t think it is fair to send him again, I think it would be a better idea to send my younger child there to spend some time with them. But, they don’t want him, as he is too rambunctious- they only want the older one. So, I decided not to send any of them- in other words, I am not letting her get her way. By her not receiving any grandchildren, I am hoping that she will get the message that she should treat both of the grandkids equally, not favour the older one just because he is the first grandkid. It is definitely not fair to the younger one. Follow me?

 

I think you are definitely taking the right approach here. Her attitudes are now not only influencing you, your father, and your wife, but now your kids as well. Adults have deeper understandings and can grasp what is going on better than the kids. All your kids would recognize is that one is a favorite. The other one would feel unloved by his grandparents. You definitely have to take a tough love approach on this one. I am sure it won't be easy for you, but it is definitely the right thing to do for your kids. I really hope that she is able to recognize how important this is for everyone's sake.

 

Key word: you have to CHALLENGE her...We have to be careful in not going ‘overboard’ with these boundaries though. As we both know, they are our parents and we do love them. And I am sure we will also be in their shoes one day. If we are too firm with the boundaries, we will come across as ‘not loving’ them. But if we are too loose with the boundaries, they will sense it and they will use that to their advantage- especially controlling people like our mothers. Like anything else in life, it is a delicate balancing act.

 

Ah yes, life seems to be full of these delicate balancing acts! Yes, I do see what you are saying. I will have to think about how I can do that. As I mentioned above I tried to set a small boundary and even that did not go well. One thing I know for sure is that I won't ever live TOO close to home. She would be wanting us over there all the time. Right now we live some distance away and our finances are rather tight, so she recognizes that we can't come to visit too often. I should share what you have said with my brother, he lives nearby and so is dealing with my mother even more than I am. Maybe together we can come up with some ideas for how to set some boundaries. I really appreciate the advice.

 

Good luck to you as well in dealing with your mother and establishing your boundaries. I know it is not easy. I hope that it eventually helps your family and your mother. Take Care, Lynna

[Lynna]

Google DETACHMENT.

 

Thanks Elmo. That does pull up some interesting and helpful sites.

[Elmo]

Thanks Elmo. That does pull up some interesting and helpful sites.

 

I do hope this helps. From experience, I understand a bit about your situation. It is painful, and I wish you well.

[love necessity]

Dear All-

I am 42 years old, and the oldest son of three boys. I have been married for almost 15 years, I have two beautiful children of my own, and I have a wonderful and a very supportive wife. Unfortunately, I have a 67 year-old mother who is a very selfish, meddling, controlling, and extremely negative person- all traits which stem from the fact that she has a very low self-esteem of herself.

 

As you can imagine, growing up in a house with a Mom like that was pretty tough, and it had caused me a lot of emotional pain in my early years- pain that I still carry to this day. When I was thirteen, they left the Unted States and moved me to Europe, a place that I did not want to be. In Europe I had to make new friends, learn a new language, and struggle with a new culture. Being a teen in a house with a Mom like that was tough enough, and the new culture made it even tougher. When I finally did finish High School, my immediate objective was to get away from her. So I enrolled in the US Armed Forces, left Europe, and returned back home to the USA at the age of 18.

 

In the USA I learned to make it on my own without their help- financial or emotional. I finished the Armed Forces, put myself through 5 years of University, and obtained my Bachelor's degree. Mom and Dad were not able to make it to my graduation- they had other things that prevented them from doing so.

 

Shortly after graduation, I obtained my first professional job, and soon thereafter married an American woman I had been dating for about 5 years or so. Mom ofcourse didn't approve of her since she was 'American'. My Mom then convinced a then-naive son (me) to have the wedding in Europe. At the time, I was not particularly enthusiastic about exposing my midwestern inlaws to my parents. I thought there were far too many inter-cultural issues for Mom to overcome, and I did not think she could handle it. As a result of these issues and the costs involved, my inlaws ultimately did not attend their daughters wedding. Although sad, I feel this was the 'lesser' of two evils.

 

So, without inlaws, we went to Europe and married. Although we had it a little rough in the beginning, looking back fifteen years later I see that my wife and I did just fine- she was the right choice for me. Marrying into her family caused me to create a strong support group of my own in the United States, with my mother and father in-law, brother in-law, friends, and more. It was a support group that my Mom and Dad were never able to integrate into- in fact, after over 15 years of marriage, my Mom and Dad have still never met my in laws face to face. I still feel it is better this way.

 

About 6 years ago, my wife and I decided to leave the United States and move to Europe (sound familiar??). I found a job here, moved myself, my wife, and my two young children here. After an extremely rough transition that lasted nearly 4 years, we are finally able to look back and claim success. Now that I am established in Europe, I am physically closer to my Mother than I actually want to be, although we are in different countries in Europe. Here lately, Mom has been putting a lot of pressure on me to send them the grandkids to stay with them, to call her more often, to spend our vacations there with them, and a myriad of other ways to get our attention. She wants to be closer to me and my family- I understand that, she's lonely (my other brothers are in the USA).

 

I do know what to do, and I am doing it. I have laid down very firm boundaries with her, and I have explained it to her many times- to the point where we have had some pretty serious fights. She still has not figured it out. I don't think she ever will. She constantly tries to manipulate my family and I, and she will do it anyway she can- including using other family members to 'sway' my decisions.

 

The problem is, with her its a one way street. We should go there, they should not have to come here. We should send them the grand kids, we should call them, etc. Guys, I feel that I have done too much for her in my life already. I feel that I have carried more than my fair share of pain directly caused by her bad choices. I am not willing to do these 'shoulds' to please her anymore- at least not yet. Not until the 'emotional scales' inside of me are balanced again. She is beginning to understand this, and here lately she is putting up one 'heck' of a fight.

 

Mind you I don't want to cut them off, they are my parents and I do love them- and I always will. I just want them to know that they need to respect my choices, I have been way too independent in my life to allow myself to be suffocated by my Mother at the age of 42. They need to know that they also will have to make sacrifices if they want to keep a relationship with me, my wife, and their grand kids. Guys, it is a two-way street after all, isn't it?

 

I am wondering if there are many people my age (42) out there who have a similar story to tell- I am sure I am not the only one. Did you all handle this in a similar manner, by laying down firm boundaries and not giving in? If so, what were the outcomes and consequences of your actions? What happened as your parents got older- did they come around, did they disown you, or did you all find middle ground? I am sincerely interested in your circumstances and in any advice you may have to share.

 

Born Again

 

I think you are 42 years old, and yes your parents will always be your parents, but if they are pushing you to something that your not comfortable with, then simply say "NO". You seem like a pretty smart guy, you'll figure it out.

 

About your mother wanting to see her grandkids, let her. Send them to her. Don't forget that your mother is 67 years old. Older people never really enjoy traveling. Their bones are brittle and it is almost always harder for them to walk long distances. Especially, if she'll have to travel to another country.

 

Also, you've lived in America for along time. I think this would give you a chance to build your relationship with your mother. It will also give your wife a chance to build a relationship with your parents. By only talking bad about them, you are only turning your wife off to that idea though. It doesn't sound like your parents were that bad. Maybe your mother only new how to critisize, becaues she was growing up. Negative people usually tend to be bittar because of their past.

 

Look at this way, maybe you can try to make these next 20 years of your mothers life a positive thing. Cut her some slack, you don't know what it was like fore her growing up.

 

All, I can say is that at least your mother is calling you. I'm 21, and have been living on my own since I was sixteen. I don't know my father either. So just imagine what I had to go through. Your mother is reaching out for you, and I think that if you don't take her hand, you will end up regreting it later on in life.

 

Seriously, take everything into consideration.

 

From what your were saying about your past. Your the one who decided to move away when you turned 18, she didn't throw you out. Just do the right thing, and build a relationship with your mom. Your wife should too!! Once you actually get to know someone, you will see that the person you once thought was hard as a rock, is actually just as warm hearted as ever.

 

 

I would like to know more about your situation. Could you be more specific as to what your mother wants. She doesn't want money does she??

 

Just curious..

 

GOOD LUCK!! You'll do great!!

[Born Again]

Dear Lynna-

Thank you so very much for your advice and help regarding my controlling mother. Thank you also for hearing out my situation, I firmly believe that we have mothers who are very similar. We can each learn from the other. Again, that is so much like life, give and take. But it’s the giving that really fills our spirits with joy. Our problems arise when one takes advantage of the generosity we have within us. When that happens, our boundaries are violated, and we become angry and upset. When we don’t set good boundaries we should be upset at ourselves. When we do have good boundaries in place and they get violated, it is because we REACT instead of RESPONDING. When I did the first post for my Controlling Mother on LS, it had been a particularly rough day that day with Mom. I needed to vent. LS was my outlet. And you found me.

 

Regarding your reviewing the paper for your Mom. That is a small, but valid boundary to set with your Mom. I did not understand from your reply whether or not you reviewed the paper on HER terms or YOUR terms- that makes ALL the difference. If you did it on your terms, give yourself a pat on the back, and start thinking up the next boundary you want to set with her. Make it a little bit of a bigger one. This should be done in increments. As far as her getting angry, that is normal. She is angry with you because she realizes that she cannot manipulate you the way she would like to. Stick to your guns, don’t give in. Not an inch. Here’s a quote from EWB: “A person without boundaries is like a city with broken walls and no defenses”. Think about that. What do you think would happen if the defenses started giving an inch here and an inch there? Over time, the attackers would rule the city.

 

About fulfilling our parents and making them happy, here is what I can tell you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make controlling people happy. The reason for this is because of their lack of depth, lack of spirituality, and longing for materialistic things. You will never satisfy Mom, nor will I satisfy mine. As people get older, this typically gets worse, not better- unless something happens (see next paragraph below on ‘suffering’). This is because they are getting closer to the ‘end’, they know it, and they are trying to satisfy their inner, selfish instincts in order to keep happy. Doesn’t work that way, does it? All they do is damage- and lots of it. They damage relationships with everyone. And I do mean everyone. My mother, with her selfish behaviour has alienated herself from everyone I know, including my other two brothers. She longs for company, that is why she wants us, the grandkids, anyone that will sit and listen to her problems. It is sad.

 

The ONLY way that people can come out of this is to be ‘humbled’, something my mother is not. And the only way I know to become ‘humble’ is through suffering. Not physical. Mental. She needs to suffer, to realize what her character is like and what her actions are doing to herself and to her family. Suffering is an essential component of the Christian faith. It’s part of life. People that don’t suffer during their lives, do so at the end. When that happens, they don’t die with a feeling of inner peace and love. Instead they die with scrambled, mixed feelings inside, sorry for themselves and the way their life turned out. And if its really bad, they die with hatred in their hearts.

 

Your marriage is your business. Not your Moms. When she butts in to your marital affairs next time, gently shove her out. Then tell her you love her.

 

Thanks for your support on my decision not to send my son to her. My older one went last year. This year she gets no one. That is because she did not accept my decision to send my younger one- ‘Can’t have your cake and eat it too’. Her selfish attitudes are affecting: her mother (almost 90), my Dad, HER, my wife and I, and above all the kids. This is what they mean about things trickling down from one generation to the next. My oldest would feel more love from them, my youngest would feel less. That’s what it boils down to. My Mom was an only child, and did not learn well how to ‘balance’ her love. She made mistakes with my brothers and I growing up, and she wants to do the same with her grandkids. I won’t let her.

 

Keep the faith about setting boundaries with your Mom. It will improve as she learns that you are an adult and can handle situations. You did great in setting your boundary with her on the paper you mentioned. Now find another one. Remember, find something that she cherishes, and use it in setting your boundaries. But remember the balancing act. If you need help, let me know. I want to help you. But you need to tell me more about the things that are near and dear to her heart.

 

Although in Europe, my Mom and I live in different countries. It is the best thing. I need my space from her. Be thankful that your mother realizes that your finances are tight. About 6 years ago when we were still going through the rough transition from the USA to Europe, we also had a very rough financial situation, My Mom was completely blind to that. When I tried to explain to her that we couldn’t come because of money, it was like I hadn’t said anything at all. We ended up dipping into savings to go that first year. That was my first wake up call about boundaries with her.

 

Thanks Lynna. I hope what I wrote above helps. Keep the comments coming, and keep the faith. Please read on Lynna.

Born Again

 

Dear ‘Love Necessity’-

I enjoyed hearing from you and I thank you so much for your comments about my controlling mother. I will try to reply to your questions and comments as best as I can, but please be patient with me, as my viewpoint is a little different from yours.

 

Yes, I am 42 years old. And yes, my parents will always be my parents. If they are pushing me to do something I like, I do say NO. But LN, then they turn around and say YES. And when I respond with NO again, they get mad. And then our YES/ NO conversation degenerates into something not nice. Because she can’t get her way with me. She tried to break the walls down, but they did not give in (See above quote about walls defending city).

 

I can’t just send Mom the grandkids, LN. She does not want both of them. She can’t handle the little one- he is too rambunctious. She wants only the oldest one. But LN, he went last year. What do you think my baby would feel like if his older brother went twice in a row, and he did not get to go- not even once? Would he still feel as much love from Grandma and Grandpa? Or would he feel that they love his older brother more than him? Do you understand what kind of ramifications this will have on the relationship between my two kids in the future when they are older? See my comment above to Lynna about balance.

 

I do have a relationship with my mother, it is exactly the way I want it. There has to be distance between us, otherwise she will destroy (and I do literally mean ‘destroy’) myself, my family, and everything my family and I have created in our 15 years together. She destroys not because she wants to, but because she can’t help it. She destroys things as a result of her selfish, not-well-thought-out decisions. People like her are dangerous, LN, really dangerous. They have to be kept at bay. My wife feels the same way about my mother.

 

LN, I am sad to hear that you have been living on your own since you were sixteen. I am sad to hear that you don’t know your Dad, or your Mom that well. I feel for you LN, and I care for you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be writing to you. But LN, it is very hard for me to imagine what you have, are, and will go through in your life. I have not walked in your shoes. You are at an age where you have an entire, beautiful life in front of you. Your life is a gift from God, LN, and he gave you that gift through your mother and father. The suffering and tough times that you have gone through will make you stronger, but it won’t happen automatically. Before you can move on, you need to forgive your Mom and Dad for what they have done to you (if you have not done so already). You know you have forgiven them when you feel for them in your heart. Once you forgive them, you will feel a tremendous burden from you lifted, and you will be able to move on. But you can’t move on until you forgive them, LN- you will be stuck until you forgive them. I am not saying this to scare you- it is just the way our Christian lives work. Suffering and hardships make us into better people LN. You can take the situation that God has handed you, learn from it, become stronger, grow spiritually, and help other people. God gave it to you for a reason. It’s a test. Remember that diamonds in their rough state are not pretty to look at. But with a little patience, work, persistence, and knowledge, you will shine brighter than you had ever dreamed of shining.

 

LN, my Mom wants what every human being really wants, deep in their heart: not money, not power, not glory. She wants Love.

 

Thank you for your help LN. I'd like to hear more from you.

Born Again

[Lynna]

Thanks Born Again. I know that what you are saying about establishing boundaries is right. In fact, it is reinforcing what I have been reading in a book called Boundaries (and another about Boundaries in Marriage). I am working on figuring out the respectful, honest, and caring ways that I can develop and establish my boundaries with both my mother and my H. I appreciate your advice and willingness to share your experiences to help give me ideas and perspective on mine.

 

Regarding your reviewing the paper for your Mom. That is a small, but valid boundary to set with your Mom. I did not understand from your reply whether or not you reviewed the paper on HER terms or YOUR terms- that makes ALL the difference.

 

I did review the paper for her, and I did do it on my original terms. So that was a good step.

 

start thinking up the next boundary you want to set with her. Make it a little bit of a bigger one.

 

This is the hard part, figureing out what to do. Right now she is going through some tough changes and problems at work. So she keeps wanting to call and talk about it. The problem here is she keeps complaining about the same things, over and over and over again. Nothing I say seems to filter through once she hangs up the phone. She calls me back the next day saying the same things. At this point, I just don't want to talk about it every day. I have some serious issues of my own that I am dealing with and I don't have much patience left to keep supporting her when I don't see anything changing. Yet, I can't figure out how to tell her that I can't talk to her so much about this. Right now she knows I have more free time, time I usually don't have, so she thinks that I should have plenty of time to talk.

 

“A person without boundaries is like a city with broken walls and no defenses”. Think about that. What do you think would happen if the defenses started giving an inch here and an inch there? Over time, the attackers would rule the city.

 

I really like this quote and the analogy!

 

Keep the faith about setting boundaries with your Mom. It will improve as she learns that you are an adult and can handle situations. You did great in setting your boundary with her on the paper you mentioned. Now find another one. Remember, find something that she cherishes, and use it in setting your boundaries. But remember the balancing act.

 

I guess that is the hard thing - finding something that she cherishes. She has hobbies, but she can't stick to any of them. She is not passionate about any of them. She will do them for awhile and then get tired of that or she will get achy for sitting too long in one place, and so she stops doing it. She has so many projects that she has started and never finished. It really seems like NOTHING makes her happy. I wish I could figure out something that does! She likes entertaining, but complains about how mush work it is to get the house ready and to clean up afterward, she says that doing all that work is really too much for her now (she is NOT that old!). Sometimes I think the thing she likes best is to COMPLAIN! She does not seem happy unless she is the center of attention. Neither my brother nor I have any kids, so that does not work either. It seems that talking on the phone is really the one thing I can set boundaries with her about somehow. At least at the moment.

 

Although in Europe, my Mom and I live in different countries. It is the best thing. I need my space from her. Be thankful that your mother realizes that your finances are tight.

 

Yes, I am glad that she realizes that one. And she respects that generally my life is very busy due to my current work, that will only last another year. So right now she accepts that, once I finish what I am doing however things will change. I know she will want me to spend more time there and she will want to come here more. I will have to get really good at setting boundaries before that time!

 

Thanks for the advice and support!

[Born Again]

Dear Lynna-

I am glad that my advice and past experiences can help you out in establishing boundaries with your Mom. These tips and advice should help you to deal with controlling people in general in all stages of your life, whether it be marriage, work, or relationships in general.

 

I am happy to hear that you reviewed your Mom’s paper on your terms. Give yourself a pat on the back, you did wonderful. Now, lets think of the next step that you can take with Mom based on what you told me. Something a little more substantial.

 

You said she is going through some challenges at work. Because of that, she keeps wanting to call you and talk to you about the same things over and over (that is normal for controlling people). It sounds as if though you have been a very good listener, and that is probably why you have been the person that she has been going to in order to vent her frustrations. With controlling people, it does not matter if you give or don’t give them advice. All that matters is that they have someone on the receiving end of their complaining and whining. Having someone there makes them feel important- someone cares enough to listen.

 

The next boundary that you need to establish with your Mom is pretty obvious to me: you need to limit the time that you are dedicating to your Mother on the telephone. By doing this, you will send her the signal that you will listen to her on YOUR terms, not HERS.

 

So, how do we do it? We need to do it in a balanced, gradual way. Start out little, for example, the next time she calls, invent an emergency and tell her you have to go. Then hang up and don’t call her back for a day or two. See what her response is to this- evaluate the feedback you will get from her in order to prepare your next action. When your thoughts are clear and you want to talk to her, you call her. If she starts to tell you about those things that you don’t want to hear, invent some other emergency and hang up again. Then wait and see what her response is. Evaluate it and respond to the feedback again accordingly. If you keep doing this and you see no improvement, ‘increase’ your response. The next time she calls and starts telling you about those things, put the phone down while she is talking. Take a couple of minutes ‘time out’, and when you come back on the phone, tell her you had something burning on the stove. A further ‘increase’ could be to not even answer the phone when she calls (you probably know the approximate times she calls, and so can guess with fair accuracy if it is her or not before you pick up). I think you see what I mean by ‘increasing’ the response in a gradual way.

 

Now, you will also have to deal with the consequences of your above actions. Know this up front and know what to expect- it will help you to better prepare. Your actions will cause your Mother to suffer (see previous post), and she will also make you suffer. She will do that in a number of ways. First off, she will become angry with you because you are not giving her the attention she is used to getting from you. You already saw some of that with the paper she wanted you to grade. Secondly, she may turn people against you (for example your grandmother, your brother, etc). And she may also do other mean things to you. You need to be patient with her- it is all normal and part of the game. Above all you need to be persistent in reaching your goal. All feelings eventually transform, and anger is no different. Her anger will gradually turn into understanding, as she begins to understand why you are doing this. When that happens she will also begin to understand what her behaviour has been doing to you. And Lynna, that is the point where she will have been ‘humbled’ (see previous post). At that point, you won your battle, and your ‘city is safe from the attackers’. But be patient, it won’t happen overnight. It will take time. How long? I don’t know, it depends on your mother’s character. Once or twice is definitely not enough. Ten times is probably not enough. A hundred times may be enough. If she is very stubborn, it may take even longer (my mother’s case). It varies from person to person. But stick with it, and you will get there.

 

You may need support and further advice to get you through this battle. If so, please feel free to ask me for it. I feel partly responsible for sending you out on this battle, and I will support you in anyway that I can to help you win it. Good luck Lynna.

Born Again

[Lynna]

Hi Born Again, I just wanted to let you know that I had some success in setting further boundaries with my mother. She wanted me to come visit during a time where I am anticipating being very busy. I told her that while I would love to come and visit, I will not be able to come at that time. I told her that I would plan a time to do it within a certain period. I was firm in that and she was not happy but she accepted it. Like you said, I will take it a little bit at a time, but I will stick to it, respectfully and lovingly of course, but firmly. Thanks for all the advice and support!