y2mkz Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 so here is my situation. i have been with my SO nearly ten years. we have children, a house, pets, and a life together. recently i found out that she has been trying to get into contact with one of her ex boyfriends. she tells me that it is becuase she feels terribly guilty about the way it ended (she dumped him after several years together becuase she didn't want the life she would have being married to him) and just wants to make sure everything turned out all right for him. i honestly don't know what to think about this. on the one hand i understand that kind of guilt and the desire to know that the action didn't devestate him for all time. on the other i feel incredibly threatened by this turn of events in that i see how easy it is for people who have been together in long term relationships like that get back into contact and have all the feelings come flooding back. i don't want to be a controlling bastard and tell her not to contact him, but i also don't want to be the chump that watches this whole thing go down without putting up any sort of fight. i feel that this has put an enormous strain on our relationship for the moment. she already has problems showing affection to me and now suddenly she is looking up this guy from her past. it feels like the emotional energy she should be putting into our family is being diverted into the guilt (if indeed it is guilt rather than nostalgia or even regret) she feels. so far i have kept my concerns mostly bottled up. i worry that they are just stemming from insecurity and jealousy and don't want to expose her to that particular toxic mixture. i'm honestly not sure how i should proceed. should i just continue on as if it were not an issue, and if not how exactly should i go about adressing it? the really sad thing is i went ahead and found the contact information she was looking for, i'm debating with myself whether or not to pass it on to her....... Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 If she wants to contact this guy you need to set down some boundaries with her in regards to this. Maybe find out why does she care about this guys feelings more than yours? Link to post Share on other sites
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 First, why did you go ahead and find the contact information? Second, make sure you're showing affection for her if you aren't already doing so, and thirdly, you need to wait a bit longer to see what happens. You live with her, you should know her. Wait a little longer and see how she handles things. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Tell her that if she DID devastate him, then bringing it up again after 10 years isn't going to do him any favors. And if she DIDN'T devastate him, she's going to look like a narcissistic fool who believes she's a femme fatale OR she's going to look like SHE's the one who isn't over him OR she's going to look like she wants to start things up with him. Why the sudden rush of guilt? Why does she suddenly need to revisit the past? What's going on between you two? Are you getting along well? Is she bored and needs a little drama? Does she need her ego fed? Link to post Share on other sites
brokenheartedguy Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 Why not go along with it....tell your wife you will help her out but make sure you are with her every step of the way to oversee matters. That way you still have some control over the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 Seems like y2mkz's story is a huge red flag to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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