Abuse Memories

[IpAncA]

Do things that trigger abuse memories ever stop?

 

For example: If you were screamed at and grown to hate it, will it always bring back memories everytime your yelled at? And I'm talking about if it's someone other they your abuser who does it.

[Lostgurl]

Do things that trigger abuse memories ever stop?

 

For example: If you were screamed at and grown to hate it, will it always bring back memories everytime your yelled at? And I'm talking about if it's someone other they your abuser who does it.

 

I wish that i could help you IP, but i'm not sure if that will ever go away. Sometimes, well with me anyway the most powerful memories seem to stick, good or bad, and they sometimes come up with out any stimuli. I remember my mom smackin' my ass with a hard boot in the bathroom, this one comes up alot even though no ones hit me with a boot ya know what i mean?

 

I've been yelled at alot as a kid, unfortunatley, I don't really remember that all that much. I remember worse things. Actually to tell you the truth, anything before year 6 is a complete blank except for horrible things that happened to other people in my life, or scary memories anyway, where i'm not sure what was going on... but now being older i have a pretty good clue...

 

But anyhow sweetie, I at least hope that as time goes by, that they will fade at the very least.

[Lizzie60]

that never goes away... It is soooo deep and hurt so much... that it never goes away... but you can remove yourself from situations that bring back painful memories. IMO nothing will ever erase those painful memories.

[oppath]

My parents abused me but at the same time are extremely loving and did so much for me and we have a wonderfully open relationship right now, so it is painful to acknowledge moments of abuse that were clearly beyond lack of skills and human fallacy.

 

For example, I didn't want to go to school one day because I was being bullied, and even a teacher essentially bullied me. I was throwing a tantrum of some kind, I don't remember much about that, but I do remember my mother taking her watering pot for the flowers, dumping it on my head, and saying "if you want to be a baby I'll treat you like a baby." I was severely depressed and having a terrible time at school (my grades slipped; I gained weight) and I was only trying to communicate "hey, **** is happening to me." Instead I was shamed. Situations like that were common. I could write pages about them. I think I was 11 one time and an 18 year old on my school bus, a girl on my brother's xc team, was grabbing my crotch. she started putting her hands down my pants, on the bus. I basically had a panic attack and ran off the bus. Since I pushed her away from me, and I embarrassed her, I was grounded. Essentially, I was SHAMED. That is how I was punished. I wasn't explained what was right or wrong, I was humiliated.

 

So yes, old wounds run deep. When my ex asked to be friends with benefits, and I expressed anger, and she responded with "I was just joking" literally, what happened was all my old wounds were opened, that someone who was supposed to love, care for, and protect me DID NOT, and they would joke with my emotions, about something sensitive to me. My parents would joke with serious issues of mine and not apologize or stand up for me and my concerns/needs.

 

So to answer the question, yes, old wounds can easily be opened. All you can do is mitigate damage and assert to yourself "I am ok! I can cope with this. These negative thoughts and feelings are irrational and they will pass." And AVOID any people/situations that trigger old wounds.

[IpAncA]

So yes, old wounds run deep. When my ex asked to be friends with benefits, and I expressed anger, and she responded with "I was just joking" literally, what happened was all my old wounds were opened, that someone who was supposed to love, care for, and protect me DID NOT, and they would joke with my emotions, about something sensitive to me. My parents would joke with serious issues of mine and not apologize or stand up for me and my concerns/needs.

 

That was used on me also. I hated that because I wasn't sure if that person was or if they just said that so I wouldn't get mad. Either way it was confusing and I caught myself one time doing that and it was horrible.

that never goes away... It is soooo deep and hurt so much... that it never goes away... but you can remove yourself from situations that bring back painful memories. IMO nothing will ever erase those painful memories.

 

True but I think that's hard in some instances because everyone yells.

 

I wish that i could help you IP, but i'm not sure if that will ever go away. Sometimes, well with me anyway the most powerful memories seem to stick, good or bad, and they sometimes come up with out any stimuli. I remember my mom smackin' my ass with a hard boot in the bathroom, this one comes up alot even though no ones hit me with a boot ya know what i mean?

 

Yeah I know what you mean. I have a couple that are clear in my mind. I can still see it like it just happend.

 

 

Alright for me it's the yelling. I can't stand it because I use to walk on egg shells to avoid being screamed at with some interesting words. And no I didn't deserve it spite what anyone says. I never knew when it would happen and when it did it was instant and dragged on and on.

 

So now that I took myself out of that it still follows me around. I just brings such horrible memories and it litterally makes me cry. Like if me and my H get into something that's fine, I'll yell back. It's the type that when I say something it triggers an automatic yell when it's unnecessary that bothers me.

 

I just wish it didn't.

[quankanne]

for me, it was watching my parents interact. My dad, bless his heart, didn't know how to fight fairly while my mother just stood there and took whatever he dished out. And he could be really ugly.

 

fast forward to my marriage: it upsets me if we wander into that realm, though to be honest, it doesn't happen very often. I also cannot handle being angry very well, because there's shame attached to it ... I guess it's because I saw what my dad's anger did to my mother?

[IpAncA]

There was this couple at Meijers the other day and her bf or h was yelling at her in the car because she didn't make $40.00 last 2 weeks for food, etc... It was sad because that girl reminded me of myself in her shoes.

 

I so wanted to go over there and deck that man. He deserved it because there is no way $40.00 can last 2 weeks for food and stuff. They even had a baby so I know that money was suppost to go for that too.

 

The look on here face was just horrible. She just looked out the window while this idoit yelled. Truly sad.

[Windwalker]

I think the best we can do is know what our triggers are and be deliberate about responding in the now when we find ourselves in similar situations.

 

This means working through all the feelings that may have been buried with someone you trust who will not shame you for having feelings.

 

I find myself responding with anxiety in some of the strangest situations, and they nearly all can be traced back to one hellish year in my life when I was little.

 

I'm sorry these things happened. To all of us. The best we can do is be aware of what's going on with us and choose to respond as deliberate, thinking adults with rationality and compassion.

 

Most of us who've been abused, though, confuse rationality and compassion and put up with too much crap under the guise of being nice. It's hard for us to know what's appropriate.

[uniqueone]

I think that if you explore your past instead of repress it, then you can deal with those triggers better. For me, I can see that my dad was abused as a kid himself and had a lot of anger in him. In addition both he and his dad were depressives....untreated ones. He hated his childhood because of his dad and my depression reminded him of it and so when he fought with me, I think he was really fighting the pain he experienced as a kid with his dad.

 

It's taken me many, many years to understand this. But I think when we understand it, it helps lessen the triggers.

 

My problem is having triggers from a recent breakup and it happens with any breakup I have. I try to avoid the trigger for awhile (such as a song). Later on, I try to face the trigger and associate it with new (good) memories instead (such as hearing it on a nice drive in the country).

 

Hope that helps a little.

[IpAncA]

I think that if you explore your past instead of repress it, then you can deal with those triggers better. For me, I can see that my dad was abused as a kid himself and had a lot of anger in him. In addition both he and his dad were depressives....untreated ones. He hated his childhood because of his dad and my depression reminded him of it and so when he fought with me, I think he was really fighting the pain he experienced as a kid with his dad.

 

It's taken me many, many years to understand this. But I think when we understand it, it helps lessen the triggers.

 

I see what your saying and yes I understand and have explored my past. It just left a nasty mark that sometimes catches me off guard.

 

I do try to leave the past behind but sometimes I can't help but think about it.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

For me, no, not totally. When people are fighting (ie: yelling or getting physical with each other), even though it isn't directed at me, I get very upset. I don't like confrontations, or even to watch movies with that type of violence. 2 yrs out of the abusive marriage, and I still flinch if someone reaches up to touch my face, my eyes tear up if my bf raises his voice at me, I duck my head, and "retreat". I'm not sure it is something you ever get completely over.

[blind_otter]

It never really goes away. You just learn to cope with it better over time.

[coco_milkshake]

I didn't realise the crap I suffered at the hands of my family the previous year was abuse. I sort of did but I was in denial about it I guess, it really hit home when my counsellor confirmed that it was. Being moletested by my two cousins is something that I haven't forgotten either.

 

It's like B_O said, it never really goes away. I still get nightmares about the violence that happened last year and the verbal abuse I got from my mum and sisters. Even if you don't think about it, it will always be there in the back of your mind and it does hurt when I witness an incident which reminds me of those bad times.

[IpAncA]

There are somethings I'll never forget that's for sure. Phrase's mostly.