Can it get any worse...

[supermac]

I am really at the point where I am strongly considering getting a divorce and would really like some comments and suggestions on my situation. The thing that is preventing me from going ahead is the kids and my concern for their well being if I leave them alone with my wife

 

I do not think that this is the way that a marriage is supposed to be. My wife is an alcoholic and is a binge drinker. When I come home from work she is either on her way to being drunk or is hung over and in a bad mood. She is verbally abusive towards me and is starting to be so towards the kids.

 

She says that she loves me but I do not feel any affection from her at all, there is little or no physical contact, we make love less than once a month, that is if she makes it to the bedroom without passing out in front of the TV.

 

As far as the kids, my concern is that she drinks during the afternoon and early evening at her friend’s houses and drives them home drunk. She has already totaled a car (luckily the kids were not there at the time), and had her license suspended for six months. The other problem is that she lights candles and passes out drunk when the kids have gone to bed.

 

Both her mother and myself have tried to get her to stop drinking, but as soon as she has one she ends up binging. She also took her drinking underground and hid bottles around the house.

 

Whenever something annoys her she gets angry at the closest person to her, if that happens to be me, she brings up every little incident that has ever happened in our past into a tirade.

 

She is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication, which just aggravates the drinking problem. She had problems with her family and an incident of sexual abuse by a relative in her past, but I am paying the price for all of this now.

 

I understand the alcohol issue is a disease and that she has had a tough past, but I am getting nothing out of the marriage and I want to find out if anyone else has been in this situation. Should I stick around for the sake of the kids or will they lose respect for me when they inevitably see what is going on.

 

If I do proceed with a divorce, which I feel ine more incident away from, what can I expect and should I lie about the reasons to keep it amicable?

[Woggle]

Tell her to go to rehab now or you are leaving and taking the kids. She is putting the kids in danger and they should not have to grow seeing their mother like that.

[dropdeadlegs]

Whatever you do, do NOT lie about the reasons you want to divorce in order to keep it amicable. There are children and their safety is at stake here. Honestly, she is unfit while abusing alcohol to the extent you speak of.

 

Your wife doesn't appear to fully see that her drinking is a problem and is, at this point, unwilling to take steps to resolve that, but hiding it from anyone will not be in the best interests of anyone involved.

 

When that "one more incident" happens, scoop up your children and leave the premises. If you have to, call the authorities. Domestic disputes are not really the forte' of the police dept., but if you are sober and trying to leave with the children I think the law will be on your side. I'm assuming she will give you grief about that here, but I guaranty that filing an official report will wake her up, if waking her up is possible. I'm sure you are concerned about the effects on the children, but honestly, leaving them in the care of an alcoholic will leave much deeper scars. Just go to an Alanon meeting and hear some stories....

 

The fact that she is drinking while on psychiatric medication is very troublesome. Alcohol is going to affect the ability for most medications to do their job. If she is taking an antidepressant, alcohol will just strike the effect of the meds. Anti-anxiety drugs are often compounded by alcohol. If her meds are of a psychotic drug nature, I can only guess what the mix would provide.

 

It seems her family is concerned as well. That is definitely in your favor and they may be willing to help to force the issue.

 

There are loving drunks, weepy drunks, and unfortunately you have an angry drunk. If this continues I can almost guaranty that your children will suffer much worse consequences by allowing her disease to continue with no action.

 

This is a difficult situation, but millions of families have been through it and there is support for all of you through AA, Alanon, and countless other programs. Good luck and best wishes.

[Gunny376]

Tough love Brother, nothing but "tough love"

 

Kick her azz to the curb! Put her to the curb! Like yesterday! Its the only thing she's going to understand! Comprehend!

 

She's going to have to hit rock hard bottom and have a "hard-rock" candy Christmas before she wakes up!

 

Watch "Intervention" on Friday nights on A&E at 9 PM Central.

 

You're going to have to get "Hard Corps" here!

 

"Man-up!" Do it for your children ~ do it for yourself!

[sumdude]

Hi supermac, so srry you're going through this.. i hope telling some of my tale might be of help.

 

I was on the other side in some ways. My drinking reached a point to where it helped ruin my marriage. I wasn't the abusive type more the withdrawn drinker but it killed her feelings for me anyway.

 

I would try to stop , she would beg me to ... I somehow couldn't. Can't explain it. I was really starting to try to get a handle on it when she up and left me suddenly. To much whiskey under the bridge by that time. It was only then that I fully realized just how bad things were and that I had a serious problem. In the end she hasn't come back because there were other issues. All I can say is that your wife is the only one who make the decison to stop for herself. She has to hit bottom, whatever that may be for her. If you leave with the kids it may finally wake her up .... or it may not. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but it may work for you. This is one case where a separation could help a marriage. You have to have the strength and patience to see it through. The fact that she is an angry drinker with deeper issues will make it that much harder.

 

You can try to find a way to live with her drinking or you show her the consequences of not changing.

 

I had to learn the hard way that I could and did lose the most important thing in my life to the bottle. I knew I loved her more than drinking but it took longer to get there than she had the patience for.

[supermac]

Thanks for the advice so far guys, she is drunk and snoring in front of the TV right now and I have just put the kids to bed and cleaned up.

 

I have called three attorneys to set up consultation, they have all pretty much told me on the phone that custody is going to be tricky. Because I have to work, it is most likely that my wife will retain custody of the kids rather than me, as I would have to get some kind of help.

 

Of the attorneys I have found, two are women and one is a man. I would like to think there is no difference in how I choose, but if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

 

There was some discussion about forcing her to go into rehab, but I will have to wait until the sit down discussion to find out more.

 

Luckily I have been writing down some of the incidents that have really got me PO'd as I am useless at remembering specific events in the past. I just ready through some of the entries and for all the times that she has said that she would get the drinking under control, one of the entries from two years ago reads just like it is today.

[Krytellan]

*removed to make a thread*

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for the advice so far guys, she is drunk and snoring in front of the TV right now and I have just put the kids to bed and cleaned up.

 

I have called three attorneys to set up consultation, they have all pretty much told me on the phone that custody is going to be tricky. Because I have to work, it is most likely that my wife will retain custody of the kids rather than me, as I would have to get some kind of help.

 

Of the attorneys I have found, two are women and one is a man. I would like to think there is no difference in how I choose, but if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

 

There was some discussion about forcing her to go into rehab, but I will have to wait until the sit down discussion to find out more.

 

Luckily I have been writing down some of the incidents that have really got me PO'd as I am useless at remembering specific events in the past. I just ready through some of the entries and for all the times that she has said that she would get the drinking under control, one of the entries from two years ago reads just like it is today.

It is a sad state of legal affairs that children are considered to be in a better place with a drunken natural parent that doesn't work, rather than with a functioning natural parent who would require some reliable outside help in order to work. I would definitely follow that household carefully if you leave it and consider contacting the child welfare people at the first sign of trouble. Drunken candle burning is a recipe for disaster.

 

As for attorney's, I have had a female divorce attorney and a male divorce attorney. I preferred the female. She was a real go-getter, a barracuda. I thought maybe she had a thing for protecting women in divorce situations, but a male friend used her as well, and HE got custody of his son. She is now a local judge, so she must have been ambitious. The funny thing is that I have been in her courtroom and seen her in action and I found her to be very fair in her new position. The male attorney I used is in her old firm and seemed more to be simply pushing paper through the system and accepting my checks. He charged for everything, even a quick phone call. I ended up qualifying for a legal aid attorney at no cost so I dumped him when he wasn't as helpful as I needed him to be concerning my now ex stalking me. He wanted several hundred dollars to get me a restraining order and I found a way to get something similar called a "peace bond" for $40 through the local Justice of the Peace.

 

Those are just my experiences and I would meet with more than one attorney and see who you feel most comfortable with and who is affordable. Divorce is big business in America.

 

Good luck with it all, I really hope things work out for the best, especially for the kids.

[supermac]

The roller-coaster is too much, there would be a couple of days when things would be fine and then with a bang there is another situation and I would think I am in exactly the same place.

 

I set myself a deadline six months ago and I said that if I was still in the same situation I would do something about it, so here I am.

 

I have a meeting with the first of two attorneys tomorrow. I just want to get a feeling for what I am up against. My second meeting is August 9th. After that it will just be a short matter of time before something drinking related happens and I will have nothing to stop me acting.

 

I wonder if I should also talk to her counsellor about how she is likely to react. The one time the subject of divorce came up in the past (I had said that I did not know how much longer I could stand the drinking) she said " I will take you for everything you have got and you will never see your kids again", that's probably a pretty big clue.

[Melovator]

See those lawyers but start gathering paper now. What do you have recorded about her behaviour? Or is on record about her behaviour- drink drive etc etc With the kids! WTF?!?

Start getting this trail of paper together now! Do not let her screw you out of the kids. Your kids deserve better than that and you deserve better than that.

So get your admissable evidence together as quickly as you can, so you don't get screwed.

You have to be tough because this is about your kids, if you can live with her being a drunk fine- you're an adult- your choices, your decisions, but your children don't get to choose the circumstances of their lives, its up to you to make those choices for them because mummy ain't doing it- she's passed out drunk. And eventually something will happen and the freaking welfare will be on your door. You do not want that.

Sorry for being so harsh I see a lot of people in my work whose parents were alcoholics and they talk about how it f*cked them up, plus alcoholic ex-step-father of my own... if you stay your kids won't respect you.

Get yourself and your kids as much support as you can, you do not have to be victims of this situation, you can be proud survivors.

[supermac]

I have spoken with her counsellor and had an initial meeting with an attorney in the last few days. I am puttin this here to get everyones opinion on whether this is sound and consistent advice. I am not one to second guess the opinions of professionals, but I am not sure that they have neccessarily been in this kind of situation themselves and there seems to be (unfortunately) a wealth of experience on this forum.

 

First the attorney has suggested that it is very unlikely that I get custody right now.( I have a 1.5 hour commute each way to work. I leave the house at 6am and return at about 6:30pm) What I need to do is:

 

1. Hire a live-in home help so that I can demonstrate an ability to look after the kids, and also as someone who can act as a witness to the alcoholic behavior.

 

2. rather than ignoring my inebriated wife, I should call 911 and have her sent to hospital. The councillor will be called and he will advise the hospital to try and admit her for 28 days detox.

 

3. Start video-taping incidents of drunkeness and incapacity

 

4. Get a private detective to document incidents in which she visits the liquor store in the afternoon and drives after drinking.

 

I have to say that the last three are going to be extremely difficult for me to do as they smack of disloyalty and lack of trust, number 2 in particular I could see being interpreted as an unforgivable betrayal by my wife, although I completely understand and agree that it is for everyones good.

 

BTW we had a great incident today when, after a night of drinking by my wife, we went to a museum with the kids and she threw up into a garbage receptacle in one of the hallways.

[sumdude]

I have spoken with her counsellor and had an initial meeting with an attorney in the last few days. I am puttin this here to get everyones opinion on whether this is sound and consistent advice. I am not one to second guess the opinions of professionals, but I am not sure that they have neccessarily been in this kind of situation themselves and there seems to be (unfortunately) a wealth of experience on this forum.

 

First the attorney has suggested that it is very unlikely that I get custody right now.( I have a 1.5 hour commute each way to work. I leave the house at 6am and return at about 6:30pm) What I need to do is:

 

1. Hire a live-in home help so that I can demonstrate an ability to look after the kids, and also as someone who can act as a witness to the alcoholic behavior.

 

2. rather than ignoring my inebriated wife, I should call 911 and have her sent to hospital. The councillor will be called and he will advise the hospital to try and admit her for 28 days detox.

 

3. Start video-taping incidents of drunkeness and incapacity

 

4. Get a private detective to document incidents in which she visits the liquor store in the afternoon and drives after drinking.

 

I have to say that the last three are going to be extremely difficult for me to do as they smack of disloyalty and lack of trust, number 2 in particular I could see being interpreted as an unforgivable betrayal by my wife, although I completely understand and agree that it is for everyones good.

 

BTW we had a great incident today when, after a night of drinking by my wife, we went to a museum with the kids and she threw up into a garbage receptacle in one of the hallways.

 

 

Wow ... sounds like she's pretty far gone ... man... some sort of intervention is in order. The spying and videotaping etc. seem really dangerous. If there is some way to get her into treatment wihout resorting to that think long and hard. I wish I had better answers. Have her family or any of her freinds noticed and come to you? I don't know if going to them is a good idea.. could backfire. But you might need some help somewhere and someone else who truly cares about her and the kids could be helpful.

 

I don't know how the 911 thing would work out. EMTs may not be willing to force someone to go to the hospital. Unless there's a real crime being commited the police can't do much either.

[dropdeadlegs]

supermac, how old are your kids? I am assuming they are very young, as in not yet attending school.

 

Like sumdude, I think an intervention is in order if that is in any way possible. It would be best accomplished with the help of her family. If she could see that even those who share her blood are extremely concerned and would side with you in the event she doesn't change her ways, it would be more compelling.

 

As for what the attorney suggested, I would have to agree that you are going to need some kind of hard proof to be awarded custody. I still think that sucks, but I guess it's just the way it is. A PI is going to cost several hundred dollars, and hired help probably wouldn't come much cheaper. Videotaping yourself probably wouldn't have the same impact as third party corroboration.

 

The 911 call might work assuming she is so inebriated that EMS personnel have difficulty waking her.

 

I know this is hard to do, but if you change your way of looking at things, it seems easier to stomach being disloyal to her and doing "unforgivable" things to her than to be disloyal to innocent children. I guess you have to determine which is the worst evil for yourself, but I sure know where my loyalties would lie.

 

Of course I would first exhaust every attempt at getting her to reform on her own. Does threatening divorce have no impact on the situation at all? If she isn't all that knowledgeable about family law the threat of obtaining custody of the kids might shake her up. It would shake me up.