Which way do I go?

[jdustin]

I have been married to my H.S. sweetheart and what I thought was the most honest man in the world for 12 years. We waited 10 years before having our first child and then a fast 18 months later came our second child. Then all hell broke loose.

 

I first learned that my H, which I am madly in love with, no longer feels "in love" with me, that phrase slapped me in the face. I know I lost focus once our boys came, but come on. Then I found out that he has been talking with a younger, former-employee of his for the last 9 months (our 2nd son is only 9 mths old). A week after I found out about the OW (other girl is more like it), he moved out and into his brother's house because we were discussing our problems every night and getting no where. He said that he needs to decide what he wants because he honestly felt as though I no longer loved him and now he is confused. He feels that he was in love with the OW, he said that they made-out but never had sex. I found out for him that last week they went out for drinks. He said instead of NC w/her (which is what I want until we work things out) he needs to know if there is a romantic possibility w/her otherwise he will always wonder or want the forbidden fruit-what an ass.

 

I desperately want him back in my life, as a husband/lover, instead of as my babies-daddies. He comes to the house a lot to see our boys (his current place is too dirty for a baby) and I take the opportunity to spend time with him.

 

How do I get him back or do I just need to move on, if so, how? I hate the idea of being divorced or without him! How can I tell if there is hope for us? How do I behave when he is around, if I am trying to get him to fall in love with me again so that I can get him back? He said we need to work on our friendship and then romance will build from it? WTF, I don’t need a friend I need a loving husband.

 

HELP, which way do I go?

[child_of_isis]

Put him out and let him have his "forbidden fruit". You'll see how quickly it rots if you do things properly.

 

He is wanting to keep you as plan B.

 

He is also doing some major rationalization concerning the A. He is trying to make it all about you (not in "love", you don't love him, etc.) when in truth, it is all about him and his issues.

 

Google "infidelity 180"

[Woggle]

I would give you the same advice I would give a man in your situation, Cut him off and see how fast he comes running back. I don't even know why you would want a man that can't appreciate a woman that loves him but I realize it is hard to turn off those feelings after loving him for more than 12 years. Show some backbone and independence and he should come to his senses. He will realize out there that finding a good woman is no easy thing.

[Ladyjane14]

He said instead of NC w/her (which is what I want until we work things out) he needs to know if there is a romantic possibility w/her otherwise he will always wonder or want the forbidden fruit....

 

Tell him 'no'.

You don't have to give your husband permission to cheat on you. WTF?! He can just "wonder" for all you care.

 

Listen... if you give your husband permission to treat you like a sidedish right now, that's exactly what he'll do. Draw a line in the sand and tell him, "If you cheat on me with that little floozy, we are DONE".

 

Go see an attorney this week and find out what your options are. Stop letting him run in and out of your house like he lives there. If he wants to ACT like a guest, treat him like one. He can come to the house for whatever time is convenient for YOU and leave after a short visit.

 

If you make it EASY to leave you, guess what?.... he's gonna leave you. Clarify his choices for him. Give him a peek through the window of divorce.

 

Here's a list from Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Busting:

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

Play your cards close to your chest for now. If someone's going to be wondering wtf happens next... let it be him. Be in the driver's seat of YOUR life, and Devil take the hindmost, right?

 

He said we need to work on our friendship and then romance will build from it? WTF, I don’t need a friend I need a loving husband.

 

Tell him that you're ready, willing, and able to be a best friend to your husband, but that you don't have any use for cheating a*holes who stab you in the back while you're not looking. "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" (!!!!)

[Herzen]

The goal is to get back a faithful, loving husband and father. To do that, don't let him see you weep, plea, beg or become a doormat. Stand up for yourself and your family: strength is magnetic.

 

On the other hand, don't baby, mollycoddle or excuse his desertion. If he acts like an ******* and appears able to think only in the first person, gently but firmly point out that he has deserted not only you but his family. This is abandonment: Plain and Simple.

 

Contact a lawyer and arrange for support, visitation, etc. While your personal goal is for your family's rebuilding, your children must be supported while your husband is thinking with his co3k. Nail him in his wallet.

 

Finally, get as much support from friends and family as possible. Use us as a back-up, only. Your struggles are in the real world and that's where your remedies lie.

 

Good luck, and persevere.

[child_of_isis]

Thanks for posting the 180. I didn't know if we were allowed to do that or not.

 

I think one of the major things is to not argue or say a whole lot. The point of this is, if you do, it gives him reason (and ammunition) for him to continue rationalizing the affair.

 

He is in the fog. Rationalization puts and keeps them there. If he cannot rationalize, he will come out.

 

If he does decide to leave, don't allow him to cake-eat. He is not to come over and hang out at your house, nor be your "friend". And definitely no late night booty calls with you. Go into no contact. Do not call him. If he does call you, the conversation should not consist of anything but the kids and finances.

 

Appear as if you are getting on with your life. Get your hair done, buy a new outfit, call up some friends and hit the town. While he watches the kids of course.

 

2 can play this game. But trust me, you can play it better. Because you have us ;-)

[child_of_isis]

Another important thing is to "out" the affair.

 

Evidently, affairs thrive in secrecy. When they hit the light of day, they fizzle.

 

So, tell everyone. Not vindictively of course. Just matter of fact like.

 

This is another reason you allow him to walk. This will help push the affair into the light of day.