TogetherForever Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 OOD, I was exhausted just reading all the things you have done to track your husband. In my opinion, it's sad to have to waste so much energy. How do you do it? How do you cope day to day? Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Thanks for the post...I did file for D 2.5 years ago and we have been in MC on and off for years..Yes, I am well aware of the abuse thing...It's been going on for years..Mabey I need to go to THAT forum too...I can't leave right now...but I CAN try to take care of myself and our children...Rest assured, I AM doing that to the best of my abilility right now...Thanks for the post..I appreciate you taking the time! Why can't you leave? Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Why can't you leave? And I'll ask Why won't she leave? Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 He is setting her up. He is playing the absolute perfect husband for all the world to see, while cheating on the side. His mentality is...she either takes it, or files for divorce. In the D, she'll get a whole lot of nothing,( Which there isn't much to get until she finds out where he has hidden the money) but what a bad wife and mother she has been. And we all know what that gets you in court. Unless she has proof that he is cheating...she is not in a good place. Her mental health can (and will) be questioned. "Your Honor....my client tried and tried to make this relationship work. But, due to paranoid tendencies of W, and her constant accusations of an A, we have to question the emotional stability of W and her ability to care for the children properly....." Divorce is a dirty dirty business if you are dealing with a dirty man (sub-human). And I'll ask Why won't she leave? Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 He is setting her up. He is playing the absolute perfect husband for all the world to see, while cheating on the side. His mentality is...she either takes it, or files for divorce. In the D, she'll get a whole lot of nothing,( Which there isn't much to get until she finds out where he has hidden the money) but what a bad wife and mother she has been. And we all know what that gets you in court. Unless she has proof that he is cheating...she is not in a good place. Her mental health can (and will) be questioned. "Your Honor....my client tried and tried to make this relationship work. But, due to paranoid tendencies of W, and her constant accusations of an A, we have to question the emotional stability of W and her ability to care for the children properly....." Divorce is a dirty dirty business if you are dealing with a dirty man (sub-human). I work in law and this is rarely the case. In fact most courts are even more apt to be biased towards the wife retaining custody of the children. And monetary settlements are not based on who was the better spouse. In fact most states are "no fault" and everything is divided 50/50. The scenario you just gave sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie with out much resembalance to what she would really be in for. I think it would help her more to know realistically what divorcing her husband would entail. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 It wasn't a Lifetime movie to my girlfriend who just went through pretty much the same thing. She lost her kids, her home...everything. She didn't even get half of the marital assets. She walked out with nothing but an order to pay child support. If H is dirty enough and has better financial backing than W, for good lawyers....it can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 OOD has more than enough proof that her husband is cheating according to her posts here. And do you really think her husband would be more than happy to have the kids full time? On his own? Don't think so. Many shudder at just the thought of taking on that responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 It wasn't a Lifetime movie to my girlfriend who just went through pretty much the same thing. She lost her kids, her home...everything. She didn't even get half of the marital assets. She walked out with nothing but an order to pay child support. If H is dirty enough and has better financial backing than W, for good lawyers....it can happen. There must have been extenuaiting circumstances in your gf's situation. propably things that you do not know about. Instances where one spouse accrued large amont sof debt during the marriage may account for one spouse not receiving equal shares of marital assets. And for a mother to lose custody of her children it means the courts felt it was in the children's best interest and again there are things you probably do not know about which made the court come this decision. I can tell you as a memeber of the legal profession that the scenario you have repeated does not generally happen and I think it is important that OOD knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I work in law and this is rarely the case. In fact most courts are even more apt to be biased towards the wife retaining custody of the children. And monetary settlements are not based on who was the better spouse. In fact most states are "no fault" and everything is divided 50/50. The scenario you just gave sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie with out much resembalance to what she would really be in for. I think it would help her more to know realistically what divorcing her husband would entail. If you work in a law field then you know about the "network" and how men with political influence who have been lining the pockets of the "right" people long before these people even took offices that could make them beneficial in certain circumstances are able to pull things off and make things go away that the average JQD doesn't even know exists. It wasn't a Lifetime movie to my girlfriend who just went through pretty much the same thing. She lost her kids, her home...everything. She didn't even get half of the marital assets. She walked out with nothing but an order to pay child support. If H is dirty enough and has better financial backing than W, for good lawyers....it can happen. Here's something that MOST people (plenty of those who throw around the "wifes staying for money and doesn't care what he does") DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!! Hell yes, it works like this, just because you don't understand how these things work doesn't make them not exist. OK, so maybe it isn't the norm, but it doesn't mean that peoples lives are not affected by it. And yes, these are men who are all about power and control, and you are playing by their rules. There are some no win situations and just because they don't affect most of the population, it isn't a reason not to accept its existance. There are people in certain networks that can pick up a phone and make just about anything happen: with one phone call its tossed into the network and favors get called and phones ring everywhere and it gets taken care of. That is very real! Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Well then ..... I guess she has no choice but to stay. Her husband is obviously some sort of all power monster that will do everything in his power to destroy her life and take her children from her and he can do it too because he has "connections". So she needs to just put up with it and keep her mouth shut so as to avoid reprocussions. See how rediculous that sounds? How does that in any way help her? I think instead of giving new ways to spy on him (which I don't understand what good it does if she "can't" leave him) we should all be giving her advice on how to leave and get herself in a better situation. She for whatever reason feels she is trapped. I think we should be opening her eyes to why she feels that way and show her that she isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 No one said that she should stay. I just think its important to understand that things are not necessarily as cut and dried as they seem in every situation. I don't think HER H would take the kids personally. Its just that the dynamics here are of someone who has suffered a lot of abuse. The very covert but the even worse insideous type which damanges even more because it isn't so obvious that it is noticed for what it is until after the damage has been done. Also, she says in the OP that she is not interested in opinions of her situation or why she stays or leaves. I didn't say that her husband did or didn't have connections, I said that these types of connections do exist and are very real variables in the lives of SOME people. It was stated in a previous post to COI that this was reminiscent of a "lifetime movie". My point is that these things DO exist and any one in the legal proffession is very well aware that they do even though they are not necessarily the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 The good ole boy network is alive and well. The core premise being: If a H has an A...then wifey is not taking care of things at home and he has every right to find it elsewhere. I worked in Domestic Violence. I know what these men are capable of doing. And I am not just talking physically. I have been to court with more than one who had to fight the H for her children. Link to post Share on other sites
Babybird Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 In response to the cell phone question: I call a lot of different companies at work and many of them ask us to use cell phones. Their voice mails don't always contain the company name. in fact most of them don't. This is probably because they are used for personal and business. How do MM/OW get around being discovered: good question. You have to stay right on top of your cell phone and always delete right after you get off the phone. The MM should never program her cell number into his phone. Thats too obvious. My cell phone company shows outgoing calls but not the number from incoming calls. Its very easy for her to call him but he very rarely will call her because it shows on his called numbers on the bill. Text messages are an OW/MM's best friend. As long as the W doesn't ask why he needs text messages. If you suspect your H is cheating take a look at how many texts he has a month. The average adult doesn't text THAT much. But she will text all the time to let him know that she's thinking of him. So I would be willing to bet he has a ton of incoming texts. Some cell companies show this on the bill. Some don't. But you can always call and ask. The last thing is his ringer. Is it always on vibrate? He never knows when she will send a text or call for that matter so his phone is always in his pocket on vibrate. He never leaves it laying around. He charges it as an after thought after the W goes to bed. Hmmm...some reason that phone is never around his W? Sure is!! Forget your cell phone some day and have one of your friends call...like if your at the movies where he can't answer it. When he looks at his phone say that you forgot your phone so 'Suzie' must've called his. After the movie ask for his code and check the voice mail. My phone can be accessed anytime, anywhere, from any phone. I think you press pound and it'll take you to his voice mail. That way you can call from home and he won't know what you're doing. See if he saved old messages from her. I know my MM did. If he won't give you the code then you know he's hiding something. Okay, there are my helpful hints from the OW to the W on ways to catch her cheating husband. Stay tuned for next weeks lesson on how to tell if he's having sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 OOD, I was exhausted just reading all the things you have done to track your husband. In my opinion, it's sad to have to waste so much energy. How do you do it? How do you cope day to day? I didn't say that "I" personally did ALL of those things...Those are all things that I've learned over the years from all different sources..SOME I did use, but others I didn't..Some I used to help others.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 And I'll ask Why won't she leave? You and Annabelle need to go back and read some of my earilier posts..Abusive R's are hard to get out of and should be treated w/ extreme care...When someone is unstable w/ a hair trigger temper, you can't just up and leave...I have seen first hand what happens and what he does and is like when I DO leave..and I have twice..NOT a pretty picture, nor a safe one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 I work in law and this is rarely the case. In fact most courts are even more apt to be biased towards the wife retaining custody of the children. And monetary settlements are not based on who was the better spouse. In fact most states are "no fault" and everything is divided 50/50. The scenario you just gave sounds like something out of a Lifetime movie with out much resembalance to what she would really be in for. I think it would help her more to know realistically what divorcing her husband would entail. My H stands to lose everything, and would have...His job, career, kids, reputation in the community, etc..He would and WAS very angry...When I filed my grounds were adultery, inappropriate marital conduct and cruel and unusual treatment as well as abuse...You can only do so much to protect yourself if you are M to someone w/ as much political and social standing as my H does... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 Well then ..... I guess she has no choice but to stay. Her husband is obviously some sort of all power monster that will do everything in his power to destroy her life and take her children from her and he can do it too because he has "connections". So she needs to just put up with it and keep her mouth shut so as to avoid reprocussions. See how rediculous that sounds? How does that in any way help her? I think instead of giving new ways to spy on him (which I don't understand what good it does if she "can't" leave him) we should all be giving her advice on how to leave and get herself in a better situation. She for whatever reason feels she is trapped. I think we should be opening her eyes to why she feels that way and show her that she isn't. YOU don't know how it is to fear for your safety and for your children's safety...YOU don't know what it's like for people all over he country to know intimate, personal details about every aspect of your life and your children's lives...Sometimes, the lesser of two evils is not really the lesser, but just as evil if not more so.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 No one said that she should stay. I just think its important to understand that things are not necessarily as cut and dried as they seem in every situation. I don't think HER H would take the kids personally. Its just that the dynamics here are of someone who has suffered a lot of abuse. The very covert but the even worse insideous type which damanges even more because it isn't so obvious that it is noticed for what it is until after the damage has been done. Also, she says in the OP that she is not interested in opinions of her situation or why she stays or leaves. I didn't say that her husband did or didn't have connections, I said that these types of connections do exist and are very real variables in the lives of SOME people. It was stated in a previous post to COI that this was reminiscent of a "lifetime movie". My point is that these things DO exist and any one in the legal proffession is very well aware that they do even though they are not necessarily the norm. YEP..MY ATTORNEY DEALS W/ THESE PEOPLE EVERY DAY...Yes, Lifetime movie scripts are actually REAL LIFE situations sometimes...You hear about them in the news every day...They don't happen in the general population often, but we HEAR about them alot b/c people love a good juicy soap opera like drama...It would be nice if it were JUST in the movies, but it's not and I'm living proof of it...To get into more detail is just too risky as far as someone catching on to what exactly those connections are and I run the risk of being "found out" on LS...I don't want that, as LS is my only support right now other then a close friend and a therapist, who helps me deal with the way things are now and how I can protect myself and my kids, and how I might go about leaving some day... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 The good ole boy network is alive and well. The core premise being: If a H has an A...then wifey is not taking care of things at home and he has every right to find it elsewhere. I worked in Domestic Violence. I know what these men are capable of doing. And I am not just talking physically. I have been to court with more than one who had to fight the H for her children. The ONLY thing that I'm confident of at this point is that he would NOT be awarded custody of our kids...He's been busted at least once for abuse, both physical and verbal...It's on record...and it made he and his family very angry...Scary angry... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 The good ole boy network is alive and well. The core premise being: If a H has an A...then wifey is not taking care of things at home and he has every right to find it elsewhere. I worked in Domestic Violence. I know what these men are capable of doing. And I am not just talking physically. I have been to court with more than one who had to fight the H for her children. Yes, the phone is always on vibrate, and no he will NOT give me the passcode for cell or work v mail...No, incoming call #'s do NOT show on stmt and are immediately erased I am sure...I did catch him once last summer inbetween business trips when he had gotten very busy and lazy..Turned out to be a cozy little dinner and drinks w/ a coworker...She had called him and hung up and he had returned w/ the same..The usual one minute call to let each other know they are ready to meet up..I called her and told her I knew what they had done was inappropriate and boarderline unethical and crossed the line w/ me...She immediately called HIM..She's now engaged to ANOTHER MM whom she snagged...The W has three kids under 5..I don't know how some OW sleep at night...and MM who cheat too... Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 YOU don't know how it is to fear for your safety and for your children's safety...YOU don't know what it's like for people all over he country to know intimate, personal details about every aspect of your life and your children's lives...Sometimes, the lesser of two evils is not really the lesser, but just as evil if not more so.. I'm sorry but I am just not buying it. I have reached out to you to genuinely offer my support (in pm as well as on the board) and your repeat replies to offers of help always consist of the same story of how you are trapped and can never leave. In fact you seem dow right hostile towards anyone that even suggests that leaving is an option. Then why do post here looking for ways to catch your H cheating? What's the point? It doesn't make any sense. And, yes, I do have experience with abusive relationships. I have worked with several abused wive's including my own sister, who ended her 10 year abusive marriage last year. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 You and Annabelle need to go back and read some of my earilier posts..Abusive R's are hard to get out of and should be treated w/ extreme care...When someone is unstable w/ a hair trigger temper, you can't just up and leave...I have seen first hand what happens and what he does and is like when I DO leave..and I have twice..NOT a pretty picture, nor a safe one... OOD, But you left 2x & went back. That's what I don't understand. He's a mental case & you should not be there! Do you have family members that would be willing to help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 OOD, But you left 2x & went back. That's what I don't understand. He's a mental case & you should not be there! Do you have family members that would be willing to help? No, I do not have family members that can help..that has also been covered in my posts...My Mom works two jobs, my Dad is a "mental case" and a transvestite, My Sister left her son and H to be w/ her lover and has no money due to having to pay child support, and my H's family are a-- h----! They are snobby, pretentious and self centered. Forget the fact that they have four homes and travel the world extensively, they are of NOO help to me...They do only what THEY want to do and do NOT like anyone or thing to interfere w/ their plans...ANd...I thought I said why I went back!!! and I didn't leave..I made HIM leave...Aren't you all getting the message...He IS mentally unstable and I am afraid of him!!! That is the jest of it...To Annabell...If you don't like my threads/posts, then stay away from them...You can't understand or Make anyone do what YOU think they should do..LS is for support and advice..I don't recall the community guidelines saying anything about it being a requirement to TAKE the advice no matter what the consequences might be... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 annabelle75..you are on my ignore list b/c I can't handle your hostility and insensitivity... Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 No, I do not have family members that can help..that has also been covered in my posts...My Mom works two jobs, my Dad is a "mental case" and a transvestite, My Sister left her son and H to be w/ her lover and has no money due to having to pay child support, and my H's family are a-- h----! They are snobby, pretentious and self centered. Forget the fact that they have four homes and travel the world extensively, they are of NOO help to me...They do only what THEY want to do and do NOT like anyone or thing to interfere w/ their plans...ANd...I thought I said why I went back!!! and I didn't leave..I made HIM leave...Aren't you all getting the message...He IS mentally unstable and I am afraid of him!!! That is the jest of it...To Annabell...If you don't like my threads/posts, then stay away from them...You can't understand or Make anyone do what YOU think they should do..LS is for support and advice..I don't recall the community guidelines saying anything about it being a requirement to TAKE the advice no matter what the consequences might be... I appologize if I have offended you OOD. I live in SE PA & I would help you. Even if it's by just making a phone call for you. Yes, I don't know you from Adam & I would help. You can PM me if you'd like. Again, I WOULD HELP YOU. TF Link to post Share on other sites
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