Even perfect love hurts me

[happyfish]

so tough to explain. I'm 25 and so is my husband. Married for 5 years, together for 9.

 

I've always had severe mental problems, I've seen plenty of therapists and am still on and off different medications to get it right. I've had a bad childhood and though I haven't been diagnosed with any disorders (thank goodness!) my psychiatrist has told me that I show signs of Borderline, Obsessive Compulsive and Post Traumatic Stress Sydrome. If any of you know much about these problems, you'll realize that depression comes along with the side effects pretty intensely. Though I am completely sure I am not clinically depressed.

 

None of you are therapists or psychiatrists, I realize this as I ask for your opinions and don't expect any miracle fixes for my issues. Just opinions or tricks that some of you may have figured along the way.

 

Needless to say, I am a sick girl. I fell in love with my husband when we were quite young and he seems very stuck on me too (to stay through all the hard times I've had, he really has to be, right?). He is on constant overdrive when it comes to being protective of me and being certain that I am always "ok". He is very caring and even sensitive, not as "rough" and "manly" (at least not with me?) as the stereotype I've come to beleive of men. I want to make it very clear that I put everything I have into this relationship. I try hard to make sure he is happy and to never take him for granted and to respect him and his feelings and his need for time alone should he require it.

 

My problem is that my relationship is perfect but I still have nightmarish and reoccuring thoughts and insecurities. I was his first real girlfriend, his first sexual expirience and we really are each others best friends. Somehow even though all the evidence is in front of me that he is the best thing in the world and could never hurt me in any way, I just can't shake the feeling I am going to lose him. He has never given me any reason to feel this way. He listens and understands and soothes me when it happens to overcome me. Even though my life and love is perfect, its still hurting me.

 

It feels like it isn't worth loving at all because even when everything is perfect my head spins stories of disaster. Is there anything anyone can suggest to get me back to reality, or do you think it has nothing to do with anything that a love forum can help with and I should just stick it out and hope for better results from my therapy? It can't be normal to feel this way.

[Curmudgeon]

...and though I haven't been diagnosed with any disorders...

 

I find this difficult to fathom. It sounds as if you might have periods of psychosis with attendant paranoia and that's what's causing you to question your relationship.

 

If there has been no diagnosis after all this time I'd consider trying another psychiatrist to get to the bottom of it. While there's no "cure" for Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD there is therapy such as DBT that can help and PTSD is also treatable.

 

Something's not right here if you're still in treatment limbo.

 

As always, just one man's opinion.

[happyfish]

If there has been no diagnosis after all this time I'd consider trying another psychiatrist to get to the bottom of it. While there's no "cure" for Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD there is therapy such as DBT that can help and PTSD is also treatable.

 

Something's not right here if you're still in treatment limbo.

 

As always, just one man's opinion.

 

Thank you for your response Curmudgeon. I've been reading on loveshack for long enough to know that the lion's head always signifies a respectful and intelligent response.

 

In an attempt to keep the post short I omitted what would give you a bit more understanding on the lack of a diagnosis. It is mostly my fault for not having one yet, and somewhat the doctors faults as well. I was firstly diagnosed as "depressed" and kept that diagnosis for years, trying every type of anti-depressant out there. Many of which come with nasty side effects such as low libido, headaches, memory loss, anxiety and some of them even had withdrawl symptoms that lasted for a few weeks after slowly waning off of them. These days, many mental problems are written off as "depressed" and since I was so young I had a hard time recognizing the symptoms in order to accurately convey them to my doctor. I gave up and tried to "live with it" for some time. Making regular life functions, work and play alike, very difficult for me.

 

When I started to see my first psychiatrist I didn't expect the strenght of some of the medications that they would prescribe for me. The side effects were tolerable (though definately not comfortable) but the wrong drugs effected me by making my symptoms worse or giving me completely new symptoms like insomnia, impulsivity etc. I gave up, threw all the pills out and stopped seeing my doctors frequently. Since I was still unable to understand and communicate my real feelings and symptoms they were just "hit and miss" trying everything that sounded like it may help and it wore down on me many times. I've seen more then 3 psychiatrists, all of which I had abandoned in a year or so of starting to see them.

 

Another main issue with people like myself is that its hard to talk to a psychiatrist about everything because a lot of the times we consider certain symptoms as normal cause we've lived with them our whole lives. We don't even think to bring them up, because we assume "doesn't everyone feel that way?"

 

I've been seeing my psychiatrist now for 8 months, she is great. I am much better now at communicating what I feel and I don't leave anything out even if I feel it might be normal. She has discounted Borderline as a diagnosis completely but she says that I do indeed show some of the symptoms that are common in borderlines. I don't have PTSD flashbacks which discount the full blown disorder from being a diagnosis, but most of my other symptoms fit into that category. I am now on a drug to treat OCD, which she says may help the problems I am describing here.

 

I always thought over time of seeing my husband is going to stick around that these problems would go away. But now I am seeing that after 5 years of marriage its not only about me but about him as well. Its not fair for me to continue to stop seeing my doctors when my getting better would be beneficial to both me and him, I would be robbing him of that happiness that will come if I ever do get the correct treatment. That is what brought me here, to see if anyone else who deals with insecurity (and there are many of them from what I've seen here) in their marriages has found a good way (or a good book on self confidence!) to rid themselves of these inner monsters.

[Lynna]

I assume you are opening up and sharing ALL of this with your current therapist? If so, she should have some ideas to help you. It sounds like you are now at least aware of the issue. Find ways to reconnect emotionally and romantically with your husband, maybe that will help you feel more secure. Do something romantic. Plan dates with each other. Take turns planning things.

 

Have you talked with him about some of this? Maybe if he is aware that you have concerns, there are things that he could do to help relieve them. But talk to him about it during times when it is not overwhelming for you, it is hard to communicate effectively at times like that. But if you talk to him before, then maybe he can work toward helping allieviate those problems and keep them from being so strong. Are you also having marriage counseling?

[jmargel]

I would assume the bad past you have is pushing itself into your current relationship which can cause strife in it. Sounds alot like insecurity and one of the things you need to do is recognize when this is starting. When it is, FORCE yourself to sit down, close your eyes and focus as hard as you can on a good memorable experience you had with your husband. Sometimes it will take 2, 5, 10 or even 30 minutes. However long it takes, just concentrate on it with very deep detail. Get lost in these thoughts. Keep your eyes closed, breath in with your nose, out with your mouth.

 

It's a process to re-train your own mind, and it's something you might have to do many times during a day. However if you are persistant on this and follow this, you will notice you will slowly notice these bad thoughts to diminish. You can ask your therapist if this might be a good recommendation. It has worked for me. Learn to take something that is harming you and make it into something positive.

 

You also have to stop putting your own self-worth into your marriage. It's way too much for your spouse to shoulder.

[happyfish]

I assume you are opening up and sharing ALL of this with your current therapist? If so, she should have some ideas to help you. It sounds like you are now at least aware of the issue. Find ways to reconnect emotionally and romantically with your husband, maybe that will help you feel more secure. Do something romantic. Plan dates with each other. Take turns planning things.

 

Yes, My therapist knows everything now. Unfortunately its 3 weeks in between visits (because we have to wait for the new meds to take effect) and 3 weeks right now is feeling like a lifetime.

 

My husband and I spend every living minute together other then when he is at work. I work through the internet so I just work when he is at work. We don't have or want kids (obviously because I am not fit at this point to be a mother and I generally don't have the patience for them. He said he doesn't want kids either.) so its difficult for us to find things to do that we haven't already done/are doing and its even harder to find friends our age who aren't so busy with their own kids. Perhaps putting more effort into finding more things to do together would help keep me busy enough to drown out the noise in my head.

 

Have you talked with him about some of this?

 

He knows more about me then I do. I'm an open book and can't help but get it out sometimes. He understands and is very supportive. But even as it helps me to talk to him it also hinders me because NOW I'm worried that I'm talking to him too much and that it might be a cause for him to want out. So I spend half the time bottling and trying to be perfect, half the time breaking down. Sometimes its so real I have a hard time looking at him, and for periods of at longest 1 hour I have actually hated him because of the stories my head spins.

 

Then when thats all said and done I wonder how I can love him so much if I can actually feel that way towards him. I know its my pain and he isn't causing it. I question myself constantly and feel sorry for him for having to be in such a mixed up relationship. He is such a happy and confident and sensitive and supportive man. He is perfect. He deserves better then this. I try to follow everything these forums can teach me to be that perfect woman for him. I want to understand him and his needs and I don't want to put my self-worth all on his shoulders and overwhelm him.

 

Hence the title, no matter what I do I love him like crazy and he does everything right but I still hurt. Hurt from the fear of not doing things right (depending on him too much, getting upset if I think he is checking out chicks), hurt from worrying about losing him, hurt from jealousy and insecurity ("He may want someone prettier or someone not sick"). It makes me wonder if there are some people who just can't handle relationships and are better on their own in life, even though I doubt I could ever be without him.

 

I'm 25 years old and I feel like a teenager who gets obsessed with her highschool crush and feels the world will end if he ever breaks up with her. Its ridiculous really. And I think obsession is the correct word to use, I spend my whole day all days thinking and worrying and perfecting myself to be worthy of him. Wondering what he's doing, if he will get hurt on his way home from work, if he liked the lunch I made him.

 

I don't know how to phrase what I want, but its almost like I just want to love him less. Sometimes I try to "turn off" my love for him, to be able to handle certain things. Like I want to allow him to go to strip clubs (even though he shows no interest) because its something that I don't want to deny him as a man. I went away to visit my parents (6 hours away) for 2 days one weekend and I told him that if he wanted to go then he should (because I don't know how long I can keep this "cool girl" attitude stable and he may not get another chance.).

 

Turning it off has adverse effects though, because I tend to latch on to any other close male in my life when I attempt to do this. I haven't had an affair, but I've gotten stupidly close to some online male "friends" (ugh, I make myself sick). So I figured that this is NOT a healthy way to proceed with overcoming insecurities, but at the same time I still need a way to be able to allow certain manly things in his life without me going into disaster mode. Right now we have a "hide it well and lie to me" understanding on those male things that you just have to have, and its working wonderfully. But it won't last forever and I know its not fair of me not to allow him to be honest.

 

My therapist suggested that when I catch myself telling myself stories (I am walking home from the grocerie store; I picture walking into the house and finding him with another woman in the house.) If I have a hard time turning them off in a snap then I should finish them with a ending that is positive. (finish story; they were waiting for me to get home to discuss where to put our brand new widescreen TV that her crew will install). I find this is pretty helpful. What jmargel suggested is also a good idea, I've never taken that long to try to work out the negativity BEFORE I run crying to my husband. I think it may help with my worrying that I am bothering him if I can handle them on my own first. Thank you for the suggestion, I will definately try that.

[lonelybird]

Hi, the negative thoughts and images you created in your mind are ruining your happiness. First, you cannot deal with them by yourself, these negative thoughts won't just disapprear. But if you make efforts to fill your mind with positive ones, you can drive away those negative ones. The fear in you will make you to make bad decisions. you have to realize that those images you created AREN'T REAL, and these non-real things is making you suffer. you have to fight those negativities. how? FILL YOUR MIND WITH POSITIVE ONES. The more practice, the better

 

Maybe there are things you need to get them out of you, like pile of burdens, pile of unsolved feelings, like cleasing a room. Usually I talk to God, and give every burden to Lord, so I became light and rejoyful, basically care free.

 

Are you like this before your marriage? Are your husband always a happy man? How about your spiritual life?

 

Our mind is like our stomach, constantly hungry, and you are feeding your mind and heart with junkies--negativities. If you begin to feed yourself with quality food--positivities, spiritual things, you will have a fulfilling life.

[Chamari]

It's a little frightening how much of what you're saying I can relate to--unfortunatly I'm afraid I can't offer much by way of advise. I'm only 20 and in my first relationship and I've felt a lot of what you're saying and have had all kinds of arguments with myself over a lot of this stuff. And, as you say, I catch myself going to him with all of my insecurities and then feel like I'm dumping too much on him so I try to bottle it up and that just drives me insane 'cause then I catch myself pulling back from him and . . . it's vicious cycle.

 

And because of all my insecurities I can't figure out why in the world he would want to be with me. So there's always that little voice in the back of my head whispering that there's no way that this can last and that there's this fabulous person out there somewhere that he'd be much better off with instead of me. And I've told him this because I can't keep much of anything from him. Not for long at any rate.

 

His response when I told him that sticks with me though. He simply came back and asked me who it was that I thought would be better for him than me. And quite frankly, out of the people that I know, there's something about each of them that I know just wouldn't mesh with him. Not that they aren't amazing girls, but the little things. One's too passive, one's very much addicted to city life while he's more country, another just doesn't have the same sense of humor . . . little things. It just helps me to remember that hey, even though I may not understand what he sees in me, he does see something and gets me thinking about the good things about me that can make us work.

[lonelybird]

So both of you are lucky girls who have someone love you so dearly:)

 

I guess people sometimes fear good things, fear of intimacy, fear of losing

[happyfish]

It's a little frightening how much of what you're saying I can relate to--unfortunatly I'm afraid I can't offer much by way of advise. I'm only 20 and in my first relationship and I've felt a lot of what you're saying and have had all kinds of arguments with myself over a lot of this stuff. And, as you say, I catch myself going to him with all of my insecurities and then feel like I'm dumping too much on him so I try to bottle it up and that just drives me insane 'cause then I catch myself pulling back from him and . . . it's vicious cycle.

 

And because of all my insecurities I can't figure out why in the world he would want to be with me. So there's always that little voice in the back of my head whispering that there's no way that this can last and that there's this fabulous person out there somewhere that he'd be much better off with instead of me. And I've told him this because I can't keep much of anything from him. Not for long at any rate.

 

His response when I told him that sticks with me though. He simply came back and asked me who it was that I thought would be better for him than me. And quite frankly, out of the people that I know, there's something about each of them that I know just wouldn't mesh with him. Not that they aren't amazing girls, but the little things. One's too passive, one's very much addicted to city life while he's more country, another just doesn't have the same sense of humor . . . little things. It just helps me to remember that hey, even though I may not understand what he sees in me, he does see something and gets me thinking about the good things about me that can make us work.

 

Its great to have someone so supportive of us, isn't it? But at the same time, its always scary that him being supportive is us being controlling. I don't quite know where to draw that line.

 

It seems that insecurity is tied in pretty tightly with whatever problems I have going on in my head. Which means once my new medication kicks in I am still going to have to work on these underlying issues More head-work ahead <sigh> its so exhausting.

 

Do you think its possible for a man to not hate the insecure part of a woman? It'd be a lot easier for me to work on it if I knew it wasn't a huge huge thing and that if I don't have it taken care of in such and such a time that I will lose him for sure for sure. y'know? I don't want to stay like this but... oh this is another obsessive question I think. Of course he doesn't hate me.

 

Thank you for your responses. I have found a forum that covers mental illness, but since this is a relationship obsession I thought that Loveshack might be better suited for the thread.

 

Are you like this before your marriage? Are your husband always a happy man? How about your spiritual life?

Hi Ladybird and thank you for your post I have been like this since I was very young, 13 or 14 is when I started to notice I wasn't quite a normal girl. When I was 15 I was already in doctors offices discussing 'depression' (a misdiagnosis at the time.) Since I was still living in the traumatic living environment I was unable to truely start healing until I was 18ish. I moved out when I was 17 years old and was doing street drugs to escape the emotional pain instead of dealing with it constructively, during this time I allowed myself to be used and I abused my body with substance.

 

When I got together with my now-husband, I stopped allowing myself to get into bad relationships but I still used drugs for a while. When I finally started to try healing my mind it had already been through so much beyond the inital problems not to mention I spent a long time training myself to feel certain ways to protect myself:

 

IE:

"You aren't worth loving in a long lasting relationship anyway so just let em have what they want and take from them what you want.".

 

"Guys just want sex, no man will ever turn down a beautiful girl offering it. NO MATTER WHAT, stop living in a fairy tale land".

 

"People lie, you can NEVER trust what someone tells you. Search them for what they mean not what they say"

 

"Even though they use you, learn to respect and be nice to them. This will make a statement to the world. You are superior!"

 

"Being manipulative is evil. Don't ever use influence to get your way"

 

"Never overreact or show excitement. Its un-cool and people will laugh at you"

 

"You are worthless because you are overweight. You are ugly because you are overweight. Never be surprised that people will alter their thoughts of you and actions towards you to compensate for this physical deformity."

 

"Parents cannot protect you, Siblings just hurt you, You are alone. Deal with it."

 

Trying to think of all my very strictly enforced trains of thought that are self-imposed is quite a challenge. Those are a few of them. I weigh 175lbs btw. I didn't want to say it because of the last statement, I am losing about 2 lbs per week now so in a few weeks I'll be much better.

 

Because I imposed these thoughts into myself as a defense mechanism, now that I am safe in life I am having a hard time un-doing them. When I made them I was very strict with myself ("NO MATTER WHAT don't ever think that you can get around them!") and when I am having a hard time they all rush back into place to protect me. That is when I have a hard time being around my husband because I just fill with pure hatred and remember all the pain it took me to get to that point and the feeling that "You can never trust anyone but yourself cause you are the only one who can be sure, absolutely SURE of your feelings.". I think this is why my therapist says that Post Traumatic Stress is the most probable of my problems, though I don't qualify for the diagnosis because of the lack of the Flashbacks. I can still go into therapy for it though.

 

 

So wow, going back to your questions. Yes I've always been like this in my adult life. My husband married me knowing about my problems and he said he never expected any kind of recovery (I am much better now then I was 2 years ago) and the recovery he is seeing is "a pleasant surprise" and he "loves to see me happy". Now I am happy about 40% of the time, 2 years ago I was maybe about 15% . I was told by my therapist at the time that I shouldn't be working, I took 3 years out of workforce but I set up a business at home instead because I couldn't stand the thought of making my hubby pay for everything.

 

My husband has always been the happiest person in the world. He is always smiling, having fun at work, ready to go anywhere or do anything on a whim. He seems to just suck the happiness out of whatever he is doing and makes the best scenarios out of everything. He is very quick with compliments, always understanding and supportive, never gets upset with me or makes me feel like my problems are "too much" for him. With all he has put up with in the years, I can't believe that he is still so lively. I must be doing something right.

 

We are both not spiritual people and though I recognize the peace it can bring to someone, I was never able to believe in something I can't see.

 

I guess people sometimes fear good things, fear of intimacy, fear of losing

I have a hard time believing things that are good belong to me. It ruins the whole good thing because I fear it being snatched away again. Sometimes, I even worry that my dog will hate me, then other times I know she is just an animal and probably doesn't have the capacity to hate me.

 

Fear destroys everything.