love necessity Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 I cannot stand when someone else talks about what they need or want!! It seriously gets on my nerves. Is there anyone else out there like that? It makes me feel funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 Well then I hope your self-centeredness serves you well in life. May you always attract people who want and give nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 So are you currently in a relationship, a marriage? If yes, how long have you been in your current one, and how old are you? And how have your relationships worked, typically, given your reluctance to discuss needs and wants? I'm not criticizing you - although I think you're avoiding something necessary for a healthy relationship - it's just that given your perspective, I'm interested in what your relationship experiences have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 I cannot stand when someone else talks about what they need or want!! It seriously gets on my nerves. Is there anyone else out there like that? It makes me feel funny. Yes, yes, it gets on my nerves when someone expresses their emotions... Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 So are you currently in a relationship, a marriage? If yes, how long have you been in your current one, and how old are you? And how have your relationships worked, typically, given your reluctance to discuss needs and wants? I'm not criticizing you - although I think you're avoiding something necessary for a healthy relationship - it's just that given your perspective, I'm interested in what your relationship experiences have been. I'm not going to point any fingers, but I am the only one in my family who has built foundation for myself. It's not that I don't like hearing about peoples dreams and desires, it's that I don't like it when someone always wants something from me. Or when someone only comes around when they need something. I guess I should have been more specific. Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 Yes, yes, it gets on my nerves when someone expresses their emotions... ok, I know now that I should have been more specific. I love hearing about people's emotions, why would I be on here if I didn't??? What I meant by this posting is that I don't like it when people want, want, want, and want, and that's pretty much it...I don't like it when people only come around when they need something. I guess I can blame this way of thinking on my family? But, maybe I am being too hard?? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 8, 2007 Share Posted July 8, 2007 ok, I know now that I should have been more specific. I love hearing about people's emotions, why would I be on here if I didn't??? What I meant by this posting is that I don't like it when people want, want, want, and want, and that's pretty much it...I don't like it when people only come around when they need something. I guess I can blame this way of thinking on my family? But, maybe I am being too hard?? Now that you're being more specific, yes, I do understand. Have you discussed this issue with the individuals involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 9, 2007 Share Posted July 9, 2007 A relationship where one person only takes and never gives and vice versa is NOT healthy. You need to have a serious talk with that person. If they get angry or upset and are not willing to work on fixing the relationship, then maybe you are better off being out of it. It sounds like that person is selfish and self-centered. They probably have personal issues that need to be dealt with. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of talking to this person and addressing the problem, then yes, that might be a factor of how you were raised or of a deeper personality issue. You might seek counseling, or look for references (books, websites, etc.) on setting boundaries. If you are religious there is a series of books out there called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. They have some pretty good advice. I am sure there are other similar books if you are not religious. Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 A relationship where one person only takes and never gives and vice versa is NOT healthy. You need to have a serious talk with that person. If they get angry or upset and are not willing to work on fixing the relationship, then maybe you are better off being out of it. It sounds like that person is selfish and self-centered. They probably have personal issues that need to be dealt with. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of talking to this person and addressing the problem, then yes, that might be a factor of how you were raised or of a deeper personality issue. You might seek counseling, or look for references (books, websites, etc.) on setting boundaries. If you are religious there is a series of books out there called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. They have some pretty good advice. I am sure there are other similar books if you are not religious. I have tried to talk to her, but she's closed minded and very childish. I'm not a religious person, far from, and I don't have personality issues, but thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. I'm sure someone else who reads this thread needs the help will though. Thanks:) Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 LN - I think you need to get even more specific here. I think we're casting around trying to throw out general guidelines, without knowing enough about your situation. It started off sounding like a general avoidance you had of hearing peoples needs and wants, but now it sounds like the problem is narrowed to a specific person in your life? A "her?" You'll need to fill in more details - what is her relationship to you (friend, neighbor, sister, mom, daughter, co-worker, etc...) and what kinds of things does she expect of you? Is she the only one in your life like this, or is this a pattern among your friends, etc? Without more context, we are just talking in vague platitudes and over-general concepts about needs and wants, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 LN - I think you need to get even more specific here. I think we're casting around trying to throw out general guidelines, without knowing enough about your situation. It started off sounding like a general avoidance you had of hearing peoples needs and wants, but now it sounds like the problem is narrowed to a specific person in your life? A "her?" You'll need to fill in more details - what is her relationship to you (friend, neighbor, sister, mom, daughter, co-worker, etc...) and what kinds of things does she expect of you? Is she the only one in your life like this, or is this a pattern among your friends, etc? Without more context, we are just talking in vague platitudes and over-general concepts about needs and wants, etc... I'm talking about my cousin Vanessa. She turned 18 this past Feb and since then managed to get kicked out of her fathers house, drop out of school, and move into her boyfriends moms house. Her boyfriend Chris, who also has another girlfriend, has been cheating on my cousin the whole time they were together since she was sixteen. Since all of this has happened our friendship/ family status has been dropped. I haven't talked to her for about a month now. It's such a long story. But, I use to take he to school, pick her up, take her shopping for clothes, we use to have so much fun, and I was so proud of her. I didn't know about Chris cheating on her then, but I found out when we stopped talking because of him. Her mom, my aunt passed away in 2001, so I was like her "motherly" figure, someone she could confide in. However, now that she's eighteen and I'm trying to explain to her that she needs an education, all I'm hearing is that I am to judgmental, and that I'm trying to run her life, and that I am too nosy. What a brat!!! When she got kicked out in March, I even told her she could come stay with me, instead of staying with Chris's dumb ass. I told her she would have to go to Job Corps(alternative trade school) though. She said she didn't want to go to Job Corps, because it was too far, and that she wanted to keep her job at kfc, and that she would get her GED. (She hasn't even tried is what I hear from my other cousins.) At this point, I was like fine, ruin your life, but your just going to end up like Chris and his family. They are the type people who sit around the house all day drinking, playing cards, and smoking weed all day. Not to mention don't have jobs and are on welfare. I told my cousin, that's not the way to live, and that she will be setting herself up for failure even living with those people for a short period of time, but she moved in anyway. We haven't talked since. Me, her and the rest of my cousins saw that $hit growing up, and I will not accept being around it if I don't have too. Sorry if that makes me a bad person, by having standards, but I don't want to be around it. Period. I have been living on my own since I was sixteen, when I turned eighteen, I got my own apt, with my current boyfriend, and have been living here ever since. Since then, I have been very stable and the happiest I have been my whole life. I go to school and work full-time, from time to time go out with friends for drinks, and blah, blah, blah, but this is my life and this is who I am. I don't want to hang out in the ghetto with my cousins, because they chose that life style. They can do better than that, which I try to explain to them. Which brings me to why I said what I said. It seems like the time I did spent with my cousin she used me because it was convenient, or maybe I'm just being harsh? I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
Windwalker Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 It sounds like you're annoyed when people talk about what they want and need without taking responsibility for getting those things met themselves. Is that right? If so, who wouldn't be? And it sounds like maybe you think it's your responsibility to meet someone else's wants and needs when they have them. And it's not. It's understandable that you tried to help Vanessa, given her hard times. But tell her you can only do so much to help her live her life. If she chooses not to listen to the wisdom of your life experiences, there's not much you can do except tell her you love her enough to want her to want good things for herself--things that only she can do for herself. Do what you can cheerfully without resentment and don't do anything else. You're no one's genie to make their wants and needs come true for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 You have tried to do the right thing for your cousin. You have tried to be there for her when she needed it. You also set mature boundaries for your relationship with her which is exactly what you should have done. Ultimately a person has to want to be helped for anyone to be able to help them. Tough love is just that, letting that person fall flat on their face until they realize that they need help. Then you can be there for them. Let her know that when she is ready for help that you will be there, but that you will not watch her throw her life away in the mean time. Tell her that it hurts you so much to see her waste her potential in such a way. This way, when she does come to her senses she knows that she can come to you without fear. You are doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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