I've been in deep depression since I know her, and now i'm there flirting with suicide...

[Carl]

Ok, before i'll start i'd like to apologize for my poor english (I am not a native english-speaker).

 

I'm a 16 years old "ordinairy looking" boy. I've meet a really strange but fascinating girl six months ago. With the time we've became good (if not best) friends. It's always been a strange relation between her and me because i am that "good" guy who's always there for her, you know the one that you call when you want to kill yourself at 3:00am (she did it) and i'm always like : "oh, you know that i'll never let you fall apart?". She's not an easy person to live with (I'm the only one who's not gone). Recently i discovered that i did always love her and i wish that we could be more than friends (believe me, everyone agree that we could be the perfect couple) but the problem is that she'll never love me and i know it. She broke my heart many many times, sometimes i wonder if she's diabolic. For example, she comes a day in my house and she starts to tell me how good i am for her, how i saved her from the worsts situations and brings me cookies. After that everyone is like : "Wow men, this girl really loves you". But i know it's not true because as soon as i try to be more closer to her in a very subtile way she get away and say something like : "You know, one of the last thing that i want is a relationship with you, you're just a too good friend..." In others words : "You would be perfect if you weren't that ugly".

 

But still she gives me hope, just after the cookies day she comes back in my house, she was EXTREMLY beautiful, more than ever! She's been in the bathroom a while to get this look, for sure... Then she looks right in my eyes and say : "I'm in deep love!" and i'm like (trying to stay cool and i didn't want to let her see that i think she's talking about me) : "With who?" she reply "Guess" (in my head i'm saying "me me me") so i answer a couple of friends name until I catch a smile from her. Yes it was someone else (of course!!) it was . But he hate her, he's also the kind of athletic guy who will do anything against anybody just to push himself higher. She was going to destroy herself again on this guy and I knew it. Well, she did it and guess who was there for her? Me (as always). And it goes on like that for a couple of weeks...

 

While i've been doing everything that i can to save her, I lost myself and i fell in a big long depression for a number of reasons... But she didn't notice it, in fact nobody did.

 

I love her so much it's making me mad ! Yesterday i finally had the feeling that i was getting out of depression until i learnt something that hurts me bad : she lost her virginity with somekind of butthole guy who didn't love her (you know one of those "##### FRIEND"!) but she told us in the car, i'm with my friends and nobody knows how i feel about her (she don't even know), so again i was acting to be the cool guy who play the independant. In fact, as she was telling me her porn story i thought that i was going to DIE! So after, I went home and I listened to all of my NIN records in my bedroom with tears all over the place... I wish she would have waited me... The pain is so intense it's horrible!

 

As i'm writting this i hope that someone could shoot me it's pathetic. I really know what do to, i want to tell her how i feel but i know it's useless, what should i do??

 

What should i do?

[Cecilie]

When you're young, situations can feel so intense. I think you should really talk to someone who might be able to help you learn how to deal with the strong feelings you're experiencing. Sometimes, it takes an outside perspective to be able to see things clearly and deal with situations calmly. This can be a guidance couselor, a friend (other than this girl), parents, teachers...they all have a vested interest in helping you feel better about yourself.

 

As far as this girl goes, I have numerous male friends. My two best friends are guys. I can't imagine sleeping with them, not because they're ugly, but because things get weird after you have a relationship with someone (and it ends). I truly want to preserve the close bonds I've developed.

 

Young people can be very fickle sometimes, I think. Hell, anyone can be fickle. A lot of people will feel strongly one way one week, then feel strongly in the exact opposite way the next week. That's just how the ups and downs of emotional people go, I guess.

 

In order to truly feel better about things, you might just want to distance yourself from this girl. That doesn't mean cut off all contact, but you should definately think about maybe not being so available to her. It's tearing you up inside! You don't need to be dealing with that, hon. No one does. If she can't see how much you like her, she must be blind. If she can see how much you like her, she's cruel. Either way, she's not making herself very available for you. She's relying on you to be her crutch and support her, but she's not giving any support to you.

 

I know it hurts. I've been where you are now before. Unrequited love is so awful! One minute, you're hopeful that things will turn out ok, the next minute you're devestated because the person you're crushing on is with someone else. Just know that in about 5 years, things will seem very different. Believe me. You don't want to commit suicide, over something that you know will eventually get better.

[Carl]

First of all, i should have described myself a little more in yesterday post. People need to understand that i am a very passionate guy. Not just in love, in almost anything from music to politics. My friends (her included) are always saying : "Carl, with you it's always black or white there's no grey". So if i say that i love her, it's true and for a while. I understand what you mean by thoses fickle emotions, but this time it's not like that (trust me, i used to be fickle with other girls so i know what it is). EVERYDAY I DO MISS HER AND EVERYWHERE I LOOK SHE'S ALL I SEE. I'm been like that for 5 months WITHOUT any pause. I would even say that's it's my first REAL love (gee could it be worse?). It may look strange but i feel like i was cheated. I think she knows it because at first she didn't wanted to tell me what was going on but i insisted (without a doubt, i'm a pure masochist). But right before this she asked for 3 pictures of me and kissed me (damn hope), i don't know if she realize what she's doing to me. Sometimes, i wonder what kind of games she's playing on me anyway it hurts. Each time she breaks my heart i ask for more, i know what's coming and still when i can, i do it all again. On the good side, i do feel really better today because i talked about it and the suicide danger is gone but the pain is still there. How could i explain it? I had a very bad childhood and believe me this is badder than everything else in the past. I agree with you, i really need to get away from her, she's killing me from the inside, for her i screwed up my whole life, my job, school, friends, EVERYTHING! But if i cut contact with her, it's not going to be beautiful. I saved her from suicide a couple of times, i maked her more strong and happy. I let her retreive her self-esteem and i know that i'm the only one who can do that (Her stupid sex friend isn't going to do half of what i did for her, i'm sure!)

 

Should I tell her my feelings? So, at least she wouldn't tell me her sex life and try to avoid loving my best friends... But if i do that, i'll be extremly vulnerable to her and everyone else.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

i'm in a deep need of communication

[odyne]

Hi...

 

It sounds like you are in a really hard situation. I can sympathize a lot because I've been in a similar one. Sometimes the people you love most just can't love you back the way you want. It sounds like this girl needs some help of her own, even though you care about her, you shouldn't be the only one supporting her. If she isn't returning any of the support you give her than maybe she's not as good of a friend as you think. If you know that she'll never love you (your words) than you need to do your best to move on.

 

It sounds like you are really sweet and deserve someone who can love you without hurting you so much. It doesn't mean you have to cut her off completely (unless that's what you want/need) but distancing yourself a little will help make the feelings you have not hurt so much. If you can't let go...then you may want to tell her straight about how you feel. Just be warned that she may answer in a way that won't make you feel the best. Friends have to be honest with eachother though and if you feel like you can't go on hanging out with her without telling her, than do.

 

Whatever you do, don't forget that there are people who care about you, and something like suicide, even thinking about it is not going to solve your problems. If you need to talk more, just email me (<e-mail address removed>).

 

Take care,

 

Odyne

[jackie]

hi,

 

i know that you must be feeling terrible right now, but believe me (and it's hard to), it will one day eventually pass. from how you describe this girl, it sounds like she's got some major problems with closeness and intimacy. i relate to that because i was a similar kind of girl in high school. i had lost my mother and the rest of my family left. because i couldn't deal with it, i created all of these painful situations to deflect the pain (like losing my virginity to someone i barely knew). there was a guy back then who was always there for me. he was supportive and caring, and in return i treated him like dirt. you need to take care of yourself. you cannot take care of her, or be responsible for her feelings. if you're just sixteen, you're a kid! how could you possibly have the emotional strength and maturity to solve these very serious problems all by yourself? i would guess that someone in your family was an alchoholic or abusive. people from families like this feel the overwhelming responsibilty to care for others even though it hurts them deeply. i think that you should tell her that you care very deeply for her, and that it hurts you to hear these sex stories. you may also want to tell her that the way she treats you is confusing and contradictory, and that if she wants to be your real friend, she needs to be consistent in how she acts towards you. relationships need giving and receiving on both sides, and it doesn't sound as if she is capable of giving you anything more than a plate of cookies right now. it'll be hard to let go, it'll feel terrible and you'll feel like dying. you may want to go see a couselor or professional therapist (maybe at school?). most important, you need to focus on yourself. you are so worried about her, when do you have time to think about yourself? the pain you feel is real and true. in order to show yourself that you are worth more and worthy of being loved correctly, you need to remove yourself from the situation that's causing you pain. in her present condition, she is not able to be with you in the way you need. if you let go of her and focus on yourself, she may have the time to seek help for her own problems. in a couple years, who knows? by then, if you're taking good care of yourself and not only others, you'll probably have found another fantastic girl who deserves the kind of love you are capable of giving. believe that you are worth more than what you are getting right now.

 

my best wishes. good luck.

 

jackie