messy break ups, NC and 2nd chances

[Bella_xx]

Hey all,

 

I'm curious, has any one out there gone through, or heard of, a couple going through a very messy break up, in which it seems certain that it's well and truly over, NC is initiated, and then they've wound up together again down the track?

 

It's been playing on my mind lately. A lot of these posts about NC working etc seem to focus on a break up that is either mutual, or fairly "pleasant" (as pleasant as a break up could ever be!). But what about ones that finish in fireworks, arguments, accusations and massive amounts of anger?? Is it a different story altogether then?

[funkybassplayer]

No differnet, you do it too heal yourself, nithing to do with the other party. it helps you see and think about yourself, and the other person, so you get an inner calm, eventualy.

[Bella_xx]

Hey funkybassplayer, thanks for the reply

 

I guess what I'm curious about isn't so much whether NC works in this.. but whether point A (the nasty break up) ever leads to B (the reconciliation). NC is a great coping method, and I do it for myself with out the hope of my ex ever returning. I've learnt a lot about myself, and grown a lot using it!

 

I'm just interested as to whether any one has had a really nasty bust up, only to find themselves back together down the track?

 

-Bella.

[Interpersonal]

Me and my ex went through a very messy break about about a year and a half ago. It was hurtfull and angry. And at the end my loneliness got the better of me. I had lost my home my boyfriend and my best friend in one go. Took me 4 months to get to grips and the day I did he phoned me wanted to see me. We got back together only for him to break up with me two weeks ago. He said to me that he had made the right decision then and we were just to weak to stick to it. I think what comes with a messy break up is so much hurt and fear that you can never really have the same relationship you had before. And as a stranger told me yesterday the more time you spending trying to fix something that is broken the less time you have looking for Mr. Right.

[funkybassplayer]

If a relationship has gone bad for whatever reason, and you have broke up, then its best to start to move on strait away. Going back will lead to more hurt etc. In most cases nobody really is at fault, most of the time, something (and it can be anything) will cause the other partner to change, or maybe not do something they should, but in the end, its no ones fault. Although both partys will blame each other (argue) In my case because of my ex's unfinished marrige buisness that she brought into our relationship, and many other issues, (that i was willing to work through with her, but she just stuck her head in the sand) i found her less attractive. So its not really anyones fault, her attitude to me caused mine to her, see what i mean. After you go into no contact, you do see things in a much clearer light, and after the fog clears you see people for what they are. I see my ex as selfish, for bringing in so much baggage that she really never told me about before i got deeply involved with her and the kids lives, and she was not willing to offload, even with my offered help, and i felt that was a big lack of commitment to me on her part. I did finish with her, but then went back to her, and she ended it. We were more like friends 2nd time around, but now i dont contact her, as shes with some1 new, and i needed to heal and fast from this person.

[NorCalDave]

If a relationship has gone bad for whatever reason, and you have broke up, then its best to start to move on strait away. Going back will lead to more hurt etc. In most cases nobody really is at fault, most of the time, something (and it can be anything) will cause the other partner to change, or maybe not do something they should, but in the end, its no ones fault. Although both partys will blame each other (argue) In my case because of my ex's unfinished marrige buisness that she brought into our relationship, and many other issues, (that i was willing to work through with her, but she just stuck her head in the sand) i found her less attractive. So its not really anyones fault, her attitude to me caused mine to her, see what i mean. After you go into no contact, you do see things in a much clearer light, and after the fog clears you see people for what they are. I see my ex as selfish, for bringing in so much baggage that she really never told me about before i got deeply involved with her and the kids lives, and she was not willing to offload, even with my offered help, and i felt that was a big lack of commitment to me on her part. I did finish with her, but then went back to her, and she ended it. We were more like friends 2nd time around, but now i dont contact her, as shes with some1 new, and i needed to heal and fast from this person.

 

 

FBP, your post really hit home with me. Everything you said.

I guess I am going through some weird things right now and to hear the truth hurts,but it's what I need to hear I guess.

I let my ex move in and rent a room in my house. She's the one that has broken my heart twice already because of our age gap and her emotional unavailability.

She has been living in my house for a couple weeks and while she knows I am interested in being more than friends, she seems comfortable -"for now"- only being friends/roommates/workout partners.

Part of me wants to kick her out and move on with my life, part of me says to hang in there that I'll get her back again, and part of me says maybe I should just accept friendship even though I am still incredibly physically attracted to her.

But now, like you said FBP, I am getting closer to her nieces, nephews, sisters, and I feel like part of the family in a way.....so it's nice to be apart of something like that...but I am still not "with her" like I want, and I conflict in myself about what to do.

I want to have a clean slate and date someone who can reciprocate the love I give, and wants what I want, but it also feels great at times being with her and her family.

But I am also afraid that the longer I play along as this "friend/roommate" guy, the harder it will be to get back to "boyfriend" mode....it almost feels like we are falling into a platonic state and that scares me as well....

 

..I guess there's no point in stressing...what will be, will be.

[funkybassplayer]

CAn i be honest?? get her out, you must be living a hell! you really want her in that way, but she does not want you, and you have her under your roof? I think you are going to get really hurt.......alot more than you can imagine. I think once the ex is an ex, so are her family. Not your problem, etc. You got to relly think about things for you. Shes having it easy, and does not give a toss about how you feel, or she thinks that your cool with the situation. MAte think long and hard about what this will do to you. You will get alot more respect if you sent her on her way, rather than be her comfort cusion.

[NorCalDave]

CAn i be honest?? get her out, you must be living a hell! you really want her in that way, but she does not want you, and you have her under your roof? I think you are going to get really hurt.......alot more than you can imagine. I think once the ex is an ex, so are her family. Not your problem, etc. You got to relly think about things for you. Shes having it easy, and does not give a toss about how you feel, or she thinks that your cool with the situation. MAte think long and hard about what this will do to you. You will get alot more respect if you sent her on her way, rather than be her comfort cusion.

 

 

I agree with you and most people say the same thing.

The thing is, I don't know how she can feel comfortable in my house KNOWING that I want more.

A few days after she first moved in, I asked her if we have a chance of getting back together. She said she didn't know, but that I am probably too young for her.

We fought, she cried, then we made up. But, she KNEW then and she KNOWS now that I still obviously have these feelings, yet she still wants to stay.

As long as her cats are happy and her family can visit, she is fine.

She seems to not be taking into account that all this may be very hard for me because I can barely contain myself when I see her lying on the couch in her sweats...I want to just....pounce on her...but I can't....so I control my urges and go play guitar in the garage or go up to my room.

I can barely handle even talking to her from a close distance anymore, because I start to get sucked in to her gravity zone and all the senses and feelings start getting triggered...so I have to literally keep my distance from her to maintain my sanity.

Like I said I don't mind being a good friend and someone she can trust and be friends with....but if it's not going to lead to us getting back together, i will have to eventually shut this party down.

[funkybassplayer]

As long as her cats are happy and her family can visit, she is fine.

 

 

 

After reading that you gotta get her out! You are being used BIG TIME and im sure you feel like a compleat mug, and i bet if your honest with your self, your just dying to chuck her and her cats out in your head! She knows your a soft touch, and shes making the most of your help (but i would call it something else) Some things in life are really difficult to do, but to take back control of your life is what you gotta do. I really dont belive it when you say you dont mind being mates-impossible! She sounds really selfish to me.

[NorCalDave]

As long as her cats are happy and her family can visit, she is fine.

 

 

 

After reading that you gotta get her out! You are being used BIG TIME and im sure you feel like a compleat mug, and i bet if your honest with your self, your just dying to chuck her and her cats out in your head! She knows your a soft touch, and shes making the most of your help (but i would call it something else) Some things in life are really difficult to do, but to take back control of your life is what you gotta do. I really dont belive it when you say you dont mind being mates-impossible! She sounds really selfish to me.

 

She IS selfish, and probably taking advantage of me and my feelings for her.

I am being weak, and the definition of a doormat.

She has already told me that I am too young for her, and doesn't want to be in a relationship, yet also says that she doesn't want to date anyone and doesn't plan on dating or bringing guys back to the house or anything, and that no one has been as nice to her as I have been.

All this nice-guy stuff I am doing for her is a result of my feelings for her and hopes that we can get back together.

But what I may just find out is I DON'T WANT to be with a person like her.

I think this may be my chance to see her for who she truly is, and not the fantasy I have built up in my head.

Maybe when I hit that point of clarity can I then get the strength to give her the boot and move on with my life.

I am just going to keep dealing with this and see what happens.

I know she appreciates what I am doing, and I do enjoy being -what feels like- part of her family.

And it's nice to have a friend to go home and hang out with....it's just that darn thing called "physical attraction" that is killing me! I still look at her and feel attracted to every inch of her body.

Let's just say I am working on my "self-control."