So Confused !

[yani]

I have been dating this guy for a while now and I just can't figure him out. You see we met and things between us moved very fast. After a short while "he" wanted us to be exclusive together. I was really feeling him so I agreed even though I had just broken up with someone. For a while things were great. We would see eachother everyday while traveling to work. We wouold talk, hold hands, kiss and do all that other stuff couples do. Eventually we were intimate together and things were still great until one day we had a big argument over him constantly making jojes about him messing with other girls. This argument led to us not speaking for 4 days. He then came buy that weekend with his cousin who asked me why we broke up. The thing about it is that we did not break up we just had an argument. I asked the guy I am dating if we broke up and he said no. Then his cousin called himself trying to get us to make up. His cousin told me that my boyfriend felt like I was moving too fast. I was in shock because he was the one who has been pushing us foward so quickly. When I asked him if he felt that way he said no. The next day we spent time together and had some amzing sex. After that we were cool but it's been 2 weeks and things have not yet gone backe to normal between us. I have pulled back as well because I don't want to come on too strong but it's hard because I miss the way we use to be. I'm trying to slow things down but I am unhappy. We still see eachother everyday, he comes by, he calls me all the time. But we don't hold hands anymore, we don't kiss like we use too, and to make it all worse he gives me these grandpa hugs. I feel so down when he use to make me so happy. Please help me out. How can I get the guy who won me over back?

[Tony T]

I happens all the time. When things start out on top of the world right off the bat, there will always be disappointment when the intensity dwindles. But there's no other place for it to go.

 

Most people find it very difficult not to go goo-goo over somebody they really like when they first meet. So the tendency is to go wild and take the relationship to maximum heights right away. The chemicals in our brains which help us with this just don't stay active and potent forever. Evenuatually we come off the high.

 

What people ought to learn is to pace themselves....the start out slowly no matter what the attraction is...and to let things build over time.

 

OK, so this information isn't helping you at all.

 

Now, for damage control. If you want to peak this guy's interest and get him back to where he was, don't call him or return his calls for a few days. That will drive him up a wall. When he calls you for a date, turn him down...tell him that you have other plans but suggest an alternate date. Don't talk to him so much....make your phone conversations shorter and always be the first to end them.

 

Don't make yourself so predictable. People just naturally take others for granted that they know are going to be there.

 

There's a great book called "Love Tactics" by Phillips and McKnight. They even have a website... http://www.lovetactics.com The book and the site show excellent skills for winning in the kind of situation you're in.

 

Let this be a learning experience. You will NEVER, EVER be able to sustain intensity in a relationship. People just aren't built for that. But with intermittent reinforcement, unpredictability, unavailability, etc., you can keep someone's passion and interest peaked.

 

And, I really don't mean to rain on your parade, but when you're married to somebody and around them 24/7, it gets even harder. Most people can't even pull it off. If you can just get a relationship to be stable, comfortable and secure, you're doing real good. That's what you should always strive for long term.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

And don't let anyone talk you into doing something you're not comfortable doing at them moment. If you didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship at the time he wanted to, you should have told him. But as Tony said, for future references, take things very slow. And if things are not going good in a relationship, don't expect amazing sex to make things better.