Think I might be too set in my ways......

[Just A Girl2]

So this relationship I've been in for nearly 2 months......some of you may recall my past posts about it....how he was very clingy and needy and smothering in the beginning, etc. He is a really good guy in so many important ways so I'm trying to be more openminded about things....though not at the expense of sacrificing my needs/etc.

 

Being in this relationship, I've found, has been rather enlightening. I'm beginning to see just how 'set in my ways' I've become over the years......part of that just due to being very independent, part of it due to having been single for long periods off and on and "doing my own thing".........and part of from really only ever having myself to fully rely on and having to learn to really take care of myself.

 

I wonder if anyone here can relate to all this.......

 

I can be quite opinionated and sometimes I wish I wasn't SOOO much this way. Sometimes I fear that maybe I've become narrowminded?

 

I think a small part of it has to do with some conscious or unconscious fear of being in a relationship and losing my identity and independence. When I was in crappy relationships in my twenties, I DID lose both. I've done a lot of growing since then, learned a lot from my choices and mistakes...........and I would rather get kicked in the arse with a frozen boot then be part of a relationship where my independence slowly dissipates.

 

But I also think there's a fine line...maybe....between ensuring no guy ever expects that I give up my independence......and being too set in my ways and unable to bend/compromise.

 

Here's an example. Last Saturday night, in lieu of Valentine's Day the day before, my guy came over with stuff to make a really nice dinner for me. Nice, hey? Yes! But you should have seen how tense I was when I watched him practically destroy my kitchen in the process of cooking. Yes, he's a good cook......maybe to the point of being a little arrogant in his cooking abilities (and he's normally a VERY humble guy).......but it was really really REALLY hard for me to sit back and watch someone making a mess all over the place, who insisted on doing things "his way."

 

For instance, when he starts to, say, saute onions in a frying pan, he'll crank the burner up to as high as it will go........(the range on the dial is 1-8...he'll crank it up to 8 !!). I nearly flipped when he did this because I have very expensive Lagostina pots and pans and color me crazy but I've heard that you're not supposed to ever turn up the burner that high...it can damage the finish of the pot/pan. He just laughed at me when I freaked out about this (not REALLY freaking out but you know what I mean)........and told me "I always crank it up really high when I'm cooking".........I had a really hard time getting through to him that he can melt the sh*t out of his own pots and pans at his house, but with my stuff, respect my wishes and respect my damn property!

 

Then he was going to cook some chicken breasts. He slapped them down (raw) on the cutting board and color me anal retentive but I'm conscious of the whole "don't contaminate your cooking surfaces/utensils with raw chicken juice/meat"......and I asked him to please not cross contaminate.......you know, don't use the same knife you used to slice up the raw breasts to ALSO cut up the mushrooms, etc....and to wash his hands after handling the chicken, etc. He thought I was "going overboard" and it seemed to make him all the more determined to do things "the way he's always done them." This really got my back up, to the point where I just had to beg him to go sit down on the sofa and have a drink so that I could "help out." LOL Didn't go over so well, seeing how it was HIS goal to make ME dinner LOL.

 

In some ways, he's as stubborn and opinionated as I am........and neither of us will budge very easily....but as conceited as this is going to sound, I don't budge easily on things that I'm really sure about.......he often won't budge with the reasoning of nothing more than "well that's just how I've always done it" regardless of whether there's any logic or reasoning or actual thought process BEHIND the way he does things.

 

Different tangent now. I am a night owl and I've always been once, since I was a kid, will always be one. Doesn't matter if I have to be up at 6:30am, you'll pretty much never find me in bed sleeping before 11pm. That's just how I'm wired. Even when he's not working the next day, he likes to in bed about 10pm. He stays over sometimes, mostly on the weekend, due to the fact that he lives a fair distance away, gas is very expensive here and we really don't see each other during the week due to work schedules.

 

Saturday night he was falling asleep (and snoring) on the couch while we were supposed to be watching a movie. Okay, no biggie....so I told him he might as well just go up and get into bed. He asked if I was coming, I said I'd be there in a while but that I wasn't that tired yet and that I can't stand just lying in bed, tossing and turning and TRYING to go to sleep when I'm not ready. So I got him out of my hair (LOL) and I just laid there on the couch watching the rest of the movie. He couldn't have been upstairs in bed for more than 45 minutes when I'd ended up falling asleep on the couch. Big deal, it's my house, I was tired, I fell asleep. Well I then hear him coming down the stairs and asking me why I'm not coming up to bed, why am I sleeping downstairs. He kind of startled me, and I got a bit defensive and grumpy.........for crissakes I shouldn't have to answer to anyone in my own home......I wasn't AVOIDING HIM....I merely fell asleep. I then begrudgingly trotted upstairs (no, I wasn't stomping lol) and appeased him.

 

If he wasn't in my life, I could come and go as I pleased..meaning, I wouldn't HAVE to answer to anyone...or explain my views...or TEACH them how to do things in my kitchen.....or justify why I didn't come up to bed but fell asleep on the couch for 15 minutes.

 

I'm having a real problem *sometimes* with this. Other times I feel very very close to him and extremely happy. Sometimes I'm hot, sometimes I'm cold.

 

I find myself being a little snappy to him at times, too.......and I can sometimes HEAR myself losing patience with him and I feel bad. He's a pretty easy going guy and it doesn't seem to phaze him......but I don't think that's very nice of me............but sometimes I have to bloody well draw him pictures and explain things that a guy his age should already "get." I don't have an abundance of patience "in general" to begin with.

 

Last night he stayed over. He had to get up for work at 5am, and by 9pm he was going to go up to bed. Well, we've got the drill down pat that I find it pointless to go to bed "too early for me" and just lie there listening to him snore when I can be having some time to myself, watching the news or whatever.......so he says to me, in this sucky tone, "is it okay if I go upstairs and go to bed sweetheart?" I admit, I sort of snapped at him........I told him, "geez, you definitely don't need to ASK MY PERMISSION to go to bed for god's sake......that sounds kind of 'weak' of you to even ask........just take charge and if you need to get to bed, just do it, you know I"ll understand!!!!"

 

I think he's also just trying too damn hard to be perfect "for me." I don't expect perfection, nor do I want a doormat who is going to bend over backwards to be at my beck and call and fulfill my every wish. I need a guy who has a spine....a backbone.....who considers his own needs and isn't always just thinking of mine.

 

He gets in these lovey dovey moods where every second sentence is "sweetie" or "babe" or "sweetheart" and it's almost so sucky and sugary sweet that I find myself literally biting my tongue to stop myself from blurting out "STOP TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS ME!!" I don't need to be called sweetie every 5.6 minutes to know someone cares about me. I'm not a sucky, mushy person like that. I like a guy who's a bit elusive at times.....who's a bit more of a challenge...who keeps me guessing a little bit as to his feelings.

 

Maybe I'm just not the girl for him, or maybe (and I worry about this) I'm just not the girl for ANYONE? Maybe I am too set in my ways........too independent.........??

 

We were talking on the phone tonight......he currently lives with his sister (around his age) and her 2 kids. She's moving out of her current place this Friday and he'll be helping her move when he gets home from work. I have a very bad back due to a past injury and I've moved about 9 times in the past 5 years (always had to hire movers). I am sick to death of moving. I've gotten the distinct impression that he and/or his sister expect that I'll be helping out with the move. Call me a b*tch but I barely even know her, she's a very sarcastic, whiny, sharp-tongued chick who I don't think I care for very much (if you think I'm bossy to him, you should hear her......she speaks to him like she's some nagging, bossy wife OR mother)......and I can think of better things to do on a Friday night, with a bad back, than lugging boxes around.

 

We were talking about this upcoming move and all that, and I told him I wished him luck LOL...and that I've moved 9 times in the past 5 years and that my back can't hack it any more and I won't be moving for a long time. He then asked if I'd be there that night just to "see him" while he's doing all this. I told him "NO".....that her and her friends (she's got a couple friends supposedly helping her) would see me just 'standing around' and think I was simply being lazy.........and that I'd end up feeling awkward and stupid and then next thing you know I'd feel guilty for not helping and I'd be rooked into lifting stuff..and that basically, I don't even owe her any help. He seemed rather choked and miffed that I wouldn't at least "be around" to hang out with him. What does he want, me to hold his hand? See, I think I am a real b*tch and it bothers me.

 

Now if that's not bitchy enough, he takes possession of his new place April 1st. He's starting to buy his appliances and furniture. Yesterday he wanted me to go with him to help him pick stuff out....him saying that one day when we're married, we'll have some of "this stuff" he buys in "our place" so he wants my input. Okay.

 

Oh my god. His sense of taste in furniture and colors and styles is astounding. I surely don't profess to be some interior decorating diva......but I've always taken a real interest in home decor, style, color schemes, etc........and I've watched likely every episode of Trading Spaces and While You Were Out (LOL). I've done a lot of decorating in my own new home....painting and such....doing a lot of "homework" beforehand to make sure my colors flow, styles don't clash, etc.

 

Every sofa he said he liked was like something from a bad acid trip.....something from the early 80's. I still don't think I got through to him that "hunter green" is no longer an "in style" color. His new place is very contemporary...........he wanted to put all kinds of different colored venetian blinds in there, but mostly hunter green. I had to try really hard to explain to him that neutral colors are best, it's best to keep your blinds the same color as the trim around the windows (white).......that you don't want to get too 'far out' because you have to think of resale one day. He asks for my opinion on things because he says he likes my style and how I've decorated my home but when I offer it to him he argues with me.

 

For instance, he was looking for a night table lamp for his bedroom. We're in this store that has SOME nice stuff, and some nasty sh*t. He picks out this cheesy, CHEEEESY semi-tiffany lamp that has pictures of freaking EAGLES (yes, you read that correctly) on the shade....each side of the shade (it was like an octagon shape) had the same picture of an eagle on the glass. I thought he was joking. He was SERIOUS! Even my 85 yr old grandma wouldn't like it. It was TACKY!

 

Then we're looking at sofas and loveseats. I saw one I just loved...it was gorgeous.....a beautiful plum/eggplant color......really nice fabric, really nice contemporary style. He says to me, "I hate that color." UM, well gee....that's the same color as MY OWN loveseat and sofa...so what does that say? Kind of rude.

 

By the time the day was over and he'd finally picked something out, I was totally exasperated because he has absolutely no sense of style whatsoever, but he seems to think he does. This is a guy who was showing me these white plaster pillars in one store (some kind of "greek" look).....they're about 4 feet high and I 'guess' you sit them wherever and put a plant on top. TACKY. He said he had some when he was married and loved them.

 

He wanted, and was hellbent on getting one of those "faux leather" sort of reclining chairs that comes with a matching ottoman. Okay, they're fine if they're real leather...but the 'cheap' ones he was looking at look like the cheapest vinyl or plastic around. Now I'm not a millionaire and I likely couldn't afford the real thing myself, but I also wouldn't buy something that clearly looked so fake and tacky. The two colors were black and a very dark hunter green (ugh). The sofa and loveseat he DID buy yesterday.......well, the color is taupe with very fine (hard to notice except up close) threads of black in it. Today he tells me he went to buy one of these fake leather chairs...and he got the hunter green one. Good God, I already told him yesterday that if he HAD to get one, get the black because there's a touch of black in the sofa and loveseat. Nope, didn't care, didn't listen...just got what he wanted.

 

He also knows nothing about checking out the quality of something. I had to teach him yesterday that when you're buying, say, a dining room table (kitchen table) and chair, lift up the chair, look underneath..check out how it's constructed.....is it going to fall apart after 2 months, is half of it glued together or was it made to actually support a human being? You don't just buy something because it looks good.......you ask questions, you look at the workmanship, etc. I wouldn't think a grown man would be so clueless. His cluelessness and lack of "caring" about things like this cause me to become impatient.........and wondering if we're on the same page or not.

 

On another note, on Thursday, my much dreaded and feared breast biopsies were done (3 lumps removed). I was a nervous wreck for a few days before for obvious reasons. The morning of, he calls me on the phone to wish me luck and makes the STUPID remark, "make sure they don't cut off your whole boob, we need those things" and he laughs. Okay, so he likes my boobs and likely a day doesn't go by that he doesn't tell me how much he likes them (which is funny because his ex wife had gotten saline implants a couple years before they split up, I'm sure hers were larger than mine but anyway...). This is NOT the kind of thing you say to a woman a couple hours before she's to go under the knife to have suspicious breast lumps removed. I couldn't care less if I lost both my boobs (mastectomy)..if it came down to that or dying of breast cancer, naturally I wouldn't care about losing my boobs. That comment of his made it seem like all he cared about was my appearance...and nothing whatsoever about the fact that I could have breast cancer. I know sometimes people say stupid things when they don't know WHAT to say, but this really offended me. I am more than just freaking tits for a guy's amusement/enjoyment. My life and health are worth so much more.

 

On a similar note, having had 3 lumps removed from the same breast, I've been pretty sore and bruised since Thursday. For the first day afterward, I was bleeding a fair bit but thankfully that stopped. As you can imagine, I have many stitches in there. I feel sort of mutilated and it's hard to look at my boob in the mirror and see it looking this way. As you can imagine, the very very last thing on my mind this past weekend was sex or anything of an intimate nature. That boob is so sore still that I can't even hug him. Yet all weekend, every chance he got, he had to bring up sex...being horny, having a boner, sometimes even making smart cracks about how it's been two months now and already he's not "getting any." ...he says these things all "in fun" but I am not just some piece of meat. I have to wait til this Thursday to find out the results of the biopsies, I am obviously preoccupied to some extent about this. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I don't feel very sexy with a boob that's nearly all purple and sore and stitches everywhere. I don't think he's been very sensitive about all of this. Maybe his ex wife had the boob job because he made her feel that she had to have one in order to make him happy?

 

Sorry for rambling. God bless anyone who's made it this far ROFL!

 

I just have nobody else to get these things off my chest to....well, I wouldn't want to bore my friends with this stuff.......and I don't want to negatively influence their opinion of him, considering they don't really know him very well yet.

 

Am I in such a quandry here because He's just not the right guy for me, or am I just in some phase where I shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone? Am I just a b*tch? Have I been on my own too long?

 

My feelings for him wax and wane. He wants to spend all of every weekend together, to make up for not seeing each other during the week. From the time Friday afternoon is here, already I'm resentful because I have to rush home from work and I'm so tired and my back is killing me and I have to do all my housework then because I know he'll be here all weekend..and I hate being rushed. He has no idea what it's like to run a house and have 3 bathrooms to clean and floors to wash and a vacuum cleaner to lug around from one floor to the other and dusting to do and laundry to do and groceries to buy and bills to pay. He always had a wife who did all of this, and since he's lived with his sister for the past 2 years, he's only had to clean up his bedroom.

 

Sorry I sound so negative here...I guess i'm just in a funk and I'm feeling somewhat stifled and confused.

 

Maybe there's just something wrong with me. He really is a great guy in a lot of respects. He's someone I can trust to be faithful and to not lie ........(well, so I think)......he works hard, he has a big heart, he tries to hard to make me happy (though he doesn't have to try so hard), my parents really like and respect him.......but man, he really gets under my skin and GOOD, from time to time....I'm not sure it should be this way after only 2 months..or maybe it's JUST ME????

[Dragonflys]

Anyone have a Guiness Book of Records..whats the longest online post's word count?..I'd say this is up there.

 

Hi Just_A_Girl_2 I didn't read it all but I got the drift. From my post it sounds like you are a very intelligent independant woman who has probably lived on her own a lot and you are understandably concerned at how your awareness of what you know may drive you nuts when it comes to letting a new person in.

I understand that, I live alone and just recently have a new vistor on weekends. Hmm, I'm a little more easy going so don't have you problem, but you really must communicate your thoughts to your bf. Sounds like you really like him so its worth communicating your concerns. You can't expect perfection from him, letting someone into your life will always mean new challenges, so you need to let some things slide, but I would hope he really does try and listen. If he is then it will only get better and better over time. He will know to tone down his glaring habits and not destroy you kitchen as he hears you mention to him what he is doing.

 

Be prepared for a little mess along the way, but if you guys are gonna work out I would expect an improving trend over time.

 

Oliver

[Debster]

I also didn't read it all.... sorry

From what I did read though, and from your other post about the houseboat, it just seems to me that maybe you're starting to second guess this relationship. I don't think your a Bi&*h, or too set in your ways and the right guy for you won't, either.

[Girl]

I'd sit down with pen and paper and do an honest pro's and con's list about this guys qualities, personality etc... see which side is bigger.

 

Out of all the things you mentioned, I was most bothered by his comment of not "cutting your whole boob off" the morning of your surgery and "not getting any" comments post your surgery. Out of order!. OK, some men aren't as empathetic as women but how much more selfish, insensitive and uncaring could his attitude have been?, not to mention disrespectful... respect defined as "to relate or have concern for, state of being regarded with honor, show consideration for".

 

It's only been two months, if he's got this many things about his personality that are driving you up the wall then why not just cut your losses now?. Here's a question... is this relationship enhancing your life... or are you constantly feeling drained by it?. How you spend your attention, where your energy is leaking to affects your life profoundly more in the long run than how you spend your money. By being with someone who's not right for you, or you them, you're also blocking someone that IS right for you (and vica versa) from entering your life.

 

Good luck

[quankanne]

I dunno, JAG -- while you're rightly concerned about trying to make two distinctly different lifestyles mesh (always hard, but it can work), I get the impression that this guy would make better friend material than boyfriend/SO material.

[Dragonflys]

Quankanne is right now I think about it.

 

A suitable man for you would have similar awareness to yours and have the patience and respect to communicate with you and indicate to you that he is interested in being happy with the way you are.

 

Oliver

[quankanne]

and dammit, he'd respect your pots and pans!

 

[Just A Girl2]

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read, or skim (LOL) my "world's longest ramble." HAHA!

 

I just can't figure out if he sometimes gets on my nerves just because of his personality/our differences/our similarities (both stubborn/opinionated), etc.....or if it's because *I* am the one with the problem.

 

I know I've definitely changed a lot, as a person, over the past 5 years, even. I used to be the type who'd want to spend every spare minute with the guy I was in a relationship with....but NOW, I get bitchy when I feel that I don't have any free time to myself.

 

Like this past weekend.....he usually works Saturdays, which I like because after working all week, I then have ONE DAY TO MYSELF to do housework, sleep in a little bit, not have to rush rush rush. Well this past Friday night he told me he didn't have to work Saturday and I was actually disappointed.......and felt smothered at the thought of him spending the night Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night...and me not having 5 minutes to myself the entire time.

 

I think back to a guy I dated a year ago (for 4 months). We spent weekends together and I loved it.....I never felt smothered....and maybe it was because he "did his own thing" at my place..and wasn't always following me around like a freaking lost puppy, always underfoot, always coming into the room I was in and saying mushy, baby-talk sweet things. THAT guy was much more elusive and distant....there were times I wasn't sure HOW he felt about me. Now this current guy, he's almost tripping over himself constantly to let me know how much he cares about me. Wow, how many women would LOVE to have a guy like that, and here I am complaining. Stupid, hey?

 

So maybe it's really that I'm not as into him as I should be.........but then, there are lots of times that I feel very close to him and I'm so glad to be spending time with him...........my feelings sort of fluctuate a lot.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he's soooo nice to me, too nice. He tries too hard. Maybe he's trying to make up for shortcomings in his past marriage, I don't know.....but his sucky sweetness that's almost always there, it makes me think of him as weak and pussy-whipped. Even something as stupid as this....we'll be sitting on the couch together and he'll get all sucky and sweet and lean over and put his head on my shoulder/chest....that drives me nuts.......it almost seems so feminine of him, so needy. It's the GIRL who's supposed to put her head on the guy's shoulder, know what I mean?

 

And in the mornings when it's 5am and he's getting up for work, I've already told him that I'm NOT a morning person........and I'm a light sleeper..so please try NOT to wake me up. Well not him, he's got to get all freaking snuggly at that ungodly hour (I don't have to get up til 6:30am) and talk babytalk and say "good morning sweetiepie"......then if I try to block him out because I don't want to "wake up", he'll keep talking...and it's like "LOOK! Please be quiet, don't try to have a conversation with me, let me sleep."

 

Saturday morning, 2 mornings after I had my breast biopsies done (and was still incredibly sore and bruised and not even able to lie on that side), he's sticking his dick in my back and whining because he has a boner and asking how come I don't want sex? I was very clear about it...."look, I am very sore and I'm afraid my boob will get bumped, I have to pee like a racehorse, I have morning breath and so do you, and I'm tired so sorry, not interested." (well, okay, maybe not QUITE that blunt). Geezus Cripes! It's only been 2 months and already the guy is whining like a baby because he wants to get laid. I was the one who told him from the start that I didn't want to rush sex.....that I prefer to take things very slowly in that regard...to focus more on getting to know each other as best friends first.......that I think people rush into sex too fast today, and they end up overlooking all of the other aspects of getting to know each other.

 

Oh man, I could go on and on. I think I am just bugged. He's too 'in my face' and he tries too hard and I just need some personal space.

 

Thanks guys, for being there. I know I sound whiny and petty and negative but it just helps to get this off my chest....

[jamieileana]

interesting that you said that, btw i DID read every SINGLE word that you wrote, why?

 

cause i could of written this WWWWWHOLE post myself but only i would of been him!

 

funny how we get that way with someone so soon isnt it.

what come's to my mind is how you hate him putting his head on your shoulder, all the musy stuff, the whiny stuff, etc..

 

makes me think that maybe he just is not masculine enough for you, manly enough.

 

i've been in your situation before and that is exactly how i felt about the guy.

 

every little thing he did just irked me because i seen him as such a female, too feminine.

 

yes he had the qualities of a saint but just was not manly enough for me either.

 

i ended up dumping him for someone that was more take charge, happy go lucky, and content in his own life that he did not have to depend on me so much, or follow me like a puppy too.

 

i've been so accoustomed to abusive men, verbal or otherwise, not saying that you are/were, but the nice one's were the boringest ones!

 

i could not stand them, i needed strong secure to feel secure, someone to take charge when i could't/wouldn't, that does not make me weak, it made me feel cared for, not taken care of but safe and secure, yet i could depend on myself as well.

 

my current fiancee is like you in a lot of ways, that he is insistent about washing utinsels, counter tops, matching furniture.

 

i was like your boyfriend, in that i had no real style or fasion or worries about about alot of thngs.

 

since we been together now for almost five years, i've learned alot from him, like how to go out and have fun, he has learned alot from me like how to relax at home that you don't need to go out every night of the week to have fun.

 

our differences FINALLY balanced us out, or we would not of survived.

 

we literally educated each other, and learned from the other.

if he does not want to learn about things that are important to you, then that in it's self is not a good sign.

 

i still rebel at times, that naughty little girl in me, she can be such a rebel.

 

maybe you have one too, but your complaints seem very legitimate, except maybe you did go over board on the decorating stuff.

 

my opinion only, but if it is his house, i would not argue with him too much about he wants to fix it up especailly if you have such doubts.

 

if things change in the future and you do "get married" then you can re-docorate it to your liking and it sounds like he would be the type to let you do it to make you happy.

 

just my thoughts and opinions. good luck! you are going to need it!