Why he claims to want this and push me away?

[LoveLace]

So my roommate asked me what I was doing Sunday so we could talk. But Saturday, he's acting all weird, telling me, everyone cheats, LL, do you know anyone who doesn't cheat? We had a friend over and I told a joke about hunting and Tom said "I don't hunt"...so I was joking around and said "You hunt chicks"...I was kidding and he got all pissed off and said No, I don't...whatever...then he makes it a point to tell his buddy in front of me how much he hated being "domesticated" (with his Ex fiance) and how he "blew up" after 2-3 yrs, and how she had a guy "lined up" to marry her before they even broke up.

 

I figured he's trying to tell me something there, well that's fine. So now I was ready to say MY side. Sunday we couldn't talk because he got up too late. So after he went to work, I called him and said I feel bad about making him feel like I thought we were a "couple". He said he felt bad,too...I asked him why, but then he says we'll sit down and talk about it...AGAIN...he keeps saying that...and it never happens..

 

He was off work yesterday (Monday) but he was gone when I got home, so I took a nap. I woke at 8pm, and his son told me that he went to take his daughter's friend home. So I called him and he happily answered, and asked how my nap was cuz he was home and left again. He complicated how nice my new car looks and wants to go for a ride and I agreed. I asked if he'd be home after this trip, and he says he's going out for a "minute" but "I won't be late"...I just said ok, I wasn't acting mad or anything.

 

So at Midnight he isn't home still, and of course his 14 year-old son is still there (he's not a bother though...he just plays video games..but still). So I texted him "I really wanted to see you tonight but I have to get up early...??" --- several minutes go by --- no response.

 

I couldn't help it-- my Pissed Off switch came right on. I texted him again -- I already have enough reasons to want outta here; don't feel like you should give me more".

 

Don't know if I shoulda done that-- but oh well. I was willing to talk with him rationally about all of my feelings about him, his kids, everything. I was ready for some real f*king communication. He knew I had work AND school today and tonight -- so I figured we'd get this outta the way last night. I was soo pissed, that I got what I needed for work today, and went to a near-by cheap hotel at 1am. Don't know when he got home, and he never called or anything. But his son saw me leave, pissed off with a packed bag, so -- I mean I was just too pissed to even sleep there. I swear I got better sleep at the hotel than I have in days and it wasn't much. I have work/school until 10 pm tonight. I don't know what to do. I don't get why he can say what he feels, but I can't. I don't get why he keeps saying we will talk (I gave up and stopped saying it myself...now it's him) and then blows me off. I don't get why he suddenly started talking to me about cheating, and if he doesn't really hunt chicks as he says, WTF was he doing out last night then?

 

He's off work today and I really don't wanna see his face but it would be ridiculous not to go home again tonight -- although I'm tempted, without calling him or anything. I'd love to pretend he doesn't exist another night.

 

WTF?

[Sun_Conure]

LoveLace

 

Hi, I am familiar with your story and I am very sorry you are going through this. As I understand the situation, you are friends with this guy and he never openly treated you any differently. You never dated, so you are not his ex gf or something. He never said that he wanted to date you. Sorry about that. But you are treating him like he promised you something and never delivered. Trust me, I understand why you are doing that. Been there, done that Just remember, it's extremely counter productive.

 

Here is what I would have done if I were you. I know that you did not ask for this advice .. and I am sure you know all of this ... it's just too hard to see you struggling and say nothing ...

 

So stop expecting anything from him, relax and have fun. Treat him like he is just a friend, nothing more. Be fun to be around, be nice and be flirty. Do not go out of your way to please him. It's a known fact that guys are not attracted to very nice girls, doormats. They are looking for someone pleasant to be around and confident and slightly unavailable. This is who you are! Now it's time to show that to him. Get a life! I mean an exciting interesting life that does not include him.

 

The mistake you make is that you are giving him too much (like money or attention) with an expectation that something more would come out of it (like a relationship). And when he does not give you that, you get pissed off. You do not care that much about money and the talk, but you do care that he does not care. You see what I mean?

 

Be yourself, be happy, be confident, be fun to be around, be drama free, be interesting .... and be flirty, but do not say anything openly, do not tell him about your feelings. Right now, it's too early, he will not appreciate that information. Imply, not tell. And do not expect anything, do not ask anything from him (because that's like demanding stuff and people do not like to be forced). He either comes around and starts pursuing you or you will lose interest in him and find someone much better. Either way, while you are doing this you will lead an interesting and exciting life.

 

I know, it's easier said then done, but fake it untill you make it. Hope it helps

[LoveLace]

Hey Sun..well all I expect is that he does what he says he's going to do...he says we are going to sit down and talk, over and over, so why wouldn't I expect it? Why should he make me believe he wants to hear what I have to say if he really doesn't? And I've been waiting to let him know, I don't do nice things because I expect some big pay-off. But since he hasn't kept his promise about talking, I haven't had the chance to tell him that.

 

But for the last week or more, I've been doing exactly as you explained...he even said we would talk last Wed...but it was holiday that he spent with his family, so I didn't get mad and brushed it off. I was in perfectly happy, good mood, even the night he was talking about cheating, and on the phone with a chick, etc...I just kept smiling and laughing and talking and didn't let any of it bother me. The next day he was much friendlier. And again, he said we will sit down and talk. We don't have all the time in the world for this. We share a lease that expires soon. He's blown off talking several times and I've been very patient about it up until now...I can only be patient for so long. We had plenty of time to talk last night but he went out instead, and ignored my text message, which all it said was I wanted to see you but I have to go to bed...what's drama about that? But then of course, I lost it when he ignored me...one reason I left is to avoid getting more upset.

 

As far as leading a life that doesn't involve him, he sees me dedicate myself to nursing school on nights and even on weekends...and I get really good grades. I have very little time for social fun..but he also sees me take advantage of that time every time I have it. I don't even invite him out with me or anything, cuz I understand we lead seperate social lives and that's fine. I wonder at times if he thinks I'm not seeing anyone just because of him-- but the truth is, it's because I don't have time to date...I only have 4 free days a month. He might realize that. But that's one more thing I wanted to tell him, and I can't since he keeps doing this to me. Over the weekend, I went to a party and got a new car, and I expressed that I had such a great weekend, WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR? I made sure he heard it -- to let him know, I don't rely on him to be responsible for my happiness -- I don't need to rely on anyone for that. I become unhappy when he acts as though he cares, only to then act as though he doesn't at all. And I'm constantly "nice" and "flirty". I loaned him money yea, and I try to hold up my end on cleaning the place, etc. Other than that, it isn't like I buy him gifts or go out of my way to treat him special. I have never been afraid to express to him when he pisses me off -- so I don't see how he could view me as a doormat -- but maybe he does.

 

I'm sure he thought I left home last night, to get his attention. I don't care what he thinks. I don't care if he was pissed that I texted him while he was out. I am tired of only doing what is convenient for him. Normally if he's out, it isn't as though I call him a bunch or act psycho. he still might see it that way though, I don't know. I'm tired of feeling like I walk on eggshells here, just to make sure he doesn't feel "smothered" by me. It's time for him to come face-to-face with my feelings...and by avoiding that, I don't feel HE is the one treating me as a friend. So why should I treat him like one anymore?

 

I have "implied" in some ways...I have never just told him. Hell, he won't "talk" to me like he says he will, so how could I? I have simply made the mistake of believing him everytime he says we will "sit and talk". My fault.

[hope1975]

No Lacey...NOT your fault

He has bought up this talk time & time again...anyone would expect him to follow through with it.

And there's nothing more frustrating then texting someone & it getting ignored...it takes 2 seconds to reply to a text, and honestly, I think it's quite rude not to respond at all, especially when he's been mentioning having this talk with you on sunday.

 

Just out of curiousity, how long did you wait for a reply before you sent your "pissed" text?

 

If you ask me, Maybe the reason he acted the way he did on Sunday was because all weekend he's been trying to get a reaction out of you, talking about other girls deliberately etc..and cos he didn't get it, he might have got a bit put out over it.

 

I have to say that I agree with what Sun wrote in regards to acting flirty, carefree & happy....this'll get to him more then you being pissed at him. Guys are funny...they need to feel like their chasing a girl...until she catches him!!!

 

If you get pissed at him...DON"T let him see it....cos it'll just give him a reason to avoid you...get on here or e-mail me, but don't show him you're mad. I think you need to be honest & express all your feelings to him about everything, the kids, the house etc etc, but wait until you guys are having that talk...do it then..he'll take more notice then, I think...right place, right time.

 

I was thinking that maybe the reason he didn't come home was cos of his "other problem"...you know what I mean? Maybe he didn't text you back cos he'd done some of that stuff, and was avoiding you...could that have been it?

 

I've sent you an e-mail chick

Thinking of you

[LoveLace]

Well I was overly carefree and happy over the last week-- even when he was trying to get a reaction out of me Sat. night -- I kept just laughing and talking, etc...and I didnt go to bed mad. Sunday, he was friendly again.

 

I admit I probably could have given him a little longer to answer my 1st text...I think I sent the 2nd 15-20 min. later. But that's plenty of time to answer...unless he was driving or something...yea I might not should have sent the 2nd one...but I can't go back on that. And since I left for a hotel, it's already showing that I'm pissed off...too late for that too...but I'm tired of him confusing me. I just couldn't lay there wondering how late he would be home, etc, etc, so I got away from it all together, and went somewhere else, so that I wouldn't even know how late he was out.

 

I haven't slept much at all since Sat. night, and it was late by the time I got to a hotel -- so I"m going again tonight, just to have some peace and quiet, and be able to sleep without anything going on around me. I shouldn't go home to him this cranky and upset -- and only make things worse. I can go back home tomorrow, and he'll have to work, so I won't have to be around him then. If he were to call me tonight I'd probably answer (I don't know?) otherwise I just want to be away from the place for right now.

 

I am more than ready to be honest about everything like you said -- but as long as he blows me off I'm not getting that chance. Hence, I'm frustrated, tired, need to cool down and get lots of rest...if he thinks I'm just not going home to get his attention, fine...he can think whatever he wants....if he doesn't care how I feel, he won't even care that I'm gone.