Something I have noticed about happy marriages

[johan]

Those are examples of happy marriages. You've identified a characteristic of them, but how do you know you've identified the essential characteristic? Of course, you're analyzing how the man behaves, because that's a personal issue for you. If you had deep-seated personal issues with animals, you would have posted a thread about how all the happy couples you know seem to own retrievers.

 

But you have, at best, a surface view, and you don't know what it's like for them to be together when they're alone. Because we all know deep down, a happy marriage is built on one thing and one thing only: how often the wife puts out and how sexually adventurous she is. If you can find one of those rooms in the basement with many inexplicable contraptions, still damp from use, you've found the core of their bliss.

 

I consider this to be the definitive response to this thread, and so no further responses will be needed. I pretty much covered it.

[Curmudgeon]

They all involved an Alphamale. Every man I know that is in a happy and loving marriage with a woman that appreciates him is an Alpha type. I don't mean that they are cheaters, abusers or controlling but they are very strong and independent types who would never let themselves be under a woman's thumb. They have a life outside of the marriage, plenty of friends and their own hobbies which make them more interesting people. They treat their wives very well but they would never bend over backwards for a woman that gave nothing but drama. On the other hand all the men I know who are having marital problems or going through divorces are the so called sensitive types.

 

That may be all the successful marriages YOU know but that's certainly not my experience. The successful marriages I know are those of equals, neither of whom NEEDS the other but both of whom choose and compliment one another. They are equal partners. They both have strengths and they fill in the other's gaps. One may be a better cook, the other better with money. Whatever their relative strengths or weaknesses, they enhance one another and, thus, their marriage.

 

By the way, I could likely be considered an Alpha male, a former career, combat arms military officer, a former cop (lieutenant), now a successful state manager. But I also happen to both sensitive and discerning. One does not necessarily negate the other. That's a big part of what attracted my wife to me and she was a professional woman in her second successful career who was and remains delightfully independent.

[I love hot men.]

Mr. Ingalls wasn't afraid to show emotion and cry. He was a great guy.

Anyway...I think it's about both partners not willing to accept being treated like crap and letting the other partner walk all over them. It's about being equal partners, it's not about which gender does what, so I don't think it's an 'Alphamale' thing. As far as the rest of it goes, I know couples who have been married for years and DO enjoy doing everything together, and others where they spend more time apart.

[quankanne]

Husband is head, wife is neck

 

 

HA HA HA … I absolutely LOVE that movie, especially the daddy. "Why you want to leave me?"

[Pyro]

That may be all the successful marriages YOU know but that's certainly not my experience. The successful marriages I know are those of equals, neither of whom NEEDS the other but both of whom choose and compliment one another. They are equal partners. They both have strengths and they fill in the other's gaps. One may be a better cook, the other better with money. Whatever their relative strengths or weaknesses, they enhance one another and, thus, their marriage.

 

Thank you for translating my post into something more understandable.

[Missy27]

look, we can debate until we're blue in the face about alpha males and submissive wives or vice versa, but in my experience successful, healthy relationships boil down to mutual respect and open communication. A couple (be it a married couple or a same-sex friendship) learns to be a united front as they learn the other person's strengths and weaknesses, and respecting those differences.

 

it's when someone abuses the relationship by trying to overwhelm the other person that problems start.

 

And let's face it ~~ Having this debate is all well and good, but at the end of the day ~~ Isn't everyone different ~ ? One couples relationship dynamic may not necessarily work for the next couple and one woman's ideal "Alpha Male" may differ from her best friend's. Its all a matter of personal choice. IMHO.

[Zona76]

I don't have anything outside the marriage. And I'm happy with this.

I work but friends are non-existant. They are co-workers only.

We don't have "friends"

We have aquaintances. But Not anyone we can depend on.

Still my marrigae is barely 2 years. We were seeing each other another 2 years prior.

We do everything together. This is my desire as in my first marriage there was NOTHING in common.

[Woggle]

My wife and I do many things together as well but we both had a life before the marriage that shouldn't just be discarded. My friends are people I grew up with and we there for me when nobody else was so there is no way I am going to cut them out of my life and she doesn't ask me to.

[I love hot men.]

My wife and I do many things together as well but we both had a life before the marriage that shouldn't just be discarded. My friends are people I grew up with and we there for me when nobody else was so there is no way I am going to cut them out of my life and she doesn't ask me to.

 

Just because a couple spends lots of time together, doesn't mean that anyone is asking you to give up friends or activities you enjoy. Some couples really just like to do everything together. Others don't. See, it is possible to see friends with your wife there.

Also, it doesn't mean your marriage is necessarily that great, either, and that everyone should model after you. In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility.

[Art_Critic]

Also, it doesn't mean your marriage is necessarily that great, either, and that everyone should model after you. In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility.

 

In my mind he has credibility because he is happily married.. you can't discount his opinion because he has been married only a couple of years.

 

If that were to happen then we should discount your opinions on marriage because you have never been married..

See where I'm coming from ?

[JackJack]

In my mind he has credibility because he is happily married.. you can't discount his opinion because he has been married only a couple of years.

 

If that were to happen then we should discount your opinions on marriage because you have never been married..

See where I'm coming from ?

 

 

Excellent point, and its what I was going to say, but AC beat me to it.

[luvmy2ns]

Just because a couple spends lots of time together, doesn't mean that anyone is asking you to give up friends or activities you enjoy. Some couples really just like to do everything together. Others don't. See, it is possible to see friends with your wife there.

Also, it doesn't mean your marriage is necessarily that great, either, and that everyone should model after you. In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility.

 

...and yet more relationship negativity. I see a common thread among your posts.

[I love hot men.]

In my mind he has credibility because he is happily married.. you can't discount his opinion because he has been married only a couple of years.

 

If that were to happen then we should discount your opinions on marriage because you have never been married..

See where I'm coming from ?

 

He thinks it's happy. There may be happier. All marriages have different dynamics.

[Lezbean]

...and yet more relationship negativity. I see a common thread among your posts.

 

I've noticed that too and decided she is a very bitter person.

[I love hot men.]

...and yet more relationship negativity. I see a common thread among your posts.

 

How do you see that? My point is that just because he thinks he has the perfect marriage, doesn't mean that all marriages like his are the happiest marriages. Sorry, but we are allowed to disagree here.

He is basically saying that an alphamale just means that it's a man who doesn't put up with disrespect from his wife. Well, he doesn't mention that women shouldn't accept being disrespected, he makes it into a gender role issue. He is basically saying that it is usually women who are disrespecting their partners, and I don't buy that. My feeling is it has nothing to do with an "alphamale" but that couples should respect each other. Also, sometimes the other couple makes a mistake, not everyone is perfect. I think each member of a relationship should be willing to apologize for that, in a strong, happy marriage.

[I love hot men.]

I've noticed that too and decided she is a very bitter person.

 

No, I'm not. I just disagree with the original poster. I was not the only poster to disagree, including Crumudgeon. In fact my first post to this thread pretty much paraphrases his word for word. Does that make him bitter?

[JackJack]

He thinks it's happy.

 

 

 

You sound really sure of yourself about how he "thinks" it is happy. How do you know?

[I love hot men.]

He thinks it's happy.

 

 

 

You sound really sure of yourself about how he "thinks" it is happy. How do you know?

He also generalizes and says that "all the happiest marriages I know." The fact is, outsiders, even friends, really don't know how "happy" the marriages are. What goes on in the household, he doesn't know, even of his friends' marriages.

It's the whole "men don't put up with crap from your wife" attitude he has going with the "alphamale marriages are best" with which I disagree. It's mutual. He is basically saying that women give crap to their men. Basically he's cutting down women in general.

[luvmy2ns]

Also, it doesn't mean your marriage is necessarily that great, either, and that everyone should model after you. In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility.

 

This is the part I was alluding to in my post regarding the negativity aspect. Crumudgeon simply explained his disagreement with the aspects of a relationship. He didn't tell Woggle his marriage isn't "necessarily that great" or suggest that perhaps his marriage would be over at some point prior to 20 years, i.e. "In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility."

 

Negative, negative, negative.

[Kasan]

All of you are correct in your assumptions of what makes a great marriage.

 

I am a alpha female, while DH isn't--although he isn't a pushover by any means. But I do respect what he thinks so I guess I know when to back off and not to cross over the line.

 

I will be celebrating my 32 anniversary in a couple of weeks which is pretty amazing since we both were married extremely young--19 and 20.

 

We are best friends, and I can honestly say for me our marriage has ticked along--you wake-up and 5 years have gone by, before you know it 25 years have come and gone.

 

Have we had tough times, sure don't we all--raising kids is tough, work schedules are tough--there were times that his breathing made me want to strangle him and I am sure he felt the same--maybe our secret is that we never fell out of love with each other at the same time, or what I mean is whenever one of us might have been ready to throw in the towel, one of us did something that made us fall back in love with each other again.

 

My 2 sense for what it's worth.

[I love hot men.]

This is the part I was alluding to in my post regarding the negativity aspect. Crumudgeon simply explained his disagreement with the aspects of a relationship. He didn't tell Woggle his marriage isn't "necessarily that great" or suggest that perhaps his marriage would be over at some point prior to 20 years, i.e. "In 20 years if you are still married, then post on here and you'll have some credibility."

 

Negative, negative, negative.

 

Not really negative. I don't consider where one partner is considered the "Alpha Male" or boss a great marriage, so great is really subjective. It might be great to him in the meantime, but years will show if it's "successful," and even that is subjective.

[Cerise]

To be a alpha male or alpha female dosn't mean to to 'comand' respect or 'bully' the other partner or be 'abusive' or 'controlling' or that you are 'boss' it simply means that ones character is 'strong' they know what they want and they stand up for it,they are the type of people that grab life by the horns, it dosn't mean they can't be senstive, cry, love and in general show emotion. You can be a alpha male/female and treat the other with respect and love and senstivity.

 

Within a marriage there must be harmony and balance. You must compliment each other not compeate with each other and and if you put two 'alpha' personas together most often there wil be power struggles ect. if you place two 'submisive' personas together most often they there life will fall apart around them.

 

I guess it depends on your deffintion of 'equal' if you both make your marriage work and work on making your lives happy and fufilling then you are equal partners, but within the equal partnership you will see personalitys that compliment each other not compeate against each other, if both the peronalitys with in the partnership were the same you would not see harmony and balance within the partnership you would see compition.

 

For example in a business partnership the two parteners will have different places within the company, you do not see them doing the same jobs for if you did they would go belly up in no time flat. They work together to make it work, and if you look further into there realshonship offten you will find one that tends to be more 'alpha' in the running of the company and one that tends to be more easy going and deal with the other stuff.

 

'Alpha' does not nessacely mean 'bad' it does not equal 'controlling' it does not mean that the other parties opinions are not valid and respected it simply implies the type of personality is strong, or willing to go after what it takes to make life work.

 

To not be 'alpha' dosn't mean they are 'weak' it does not equal 'submisive' it does not mean they don't do things or let people walk all over them. it simply implies that there personalty is more easy going and they don't want to take charge of many of the bigger things in life.

 

You put thoes two together and you will have a equal marriage that works in harmony and in balance with each other.

[Krytellan]

My feeling is it has nothing to do with an "alphamale" but that couples should respect each other.

 

Which is a moot point because at some point the man is going to cheat while at a golf outing and the poor woman will not have seen it coming. Why even argue about roles in a marriage when the man is destined to cheat and ruin it anyway?

[Trialbyfire]

To be a alpha male or alpha female dosn't mean to to 'comand' respect or 'bully' the other partner or be 'abusive' or 'controlling' or that you are 'boss' it simply means that ones character is 'strong' they know what they want and they stand up for it,they are the type of people that grab life by the horns, it dosn't mean they can't be senstive, cry, love and in general show emotion. You can be a alpha male/female and treat the other with respect and love and senstivity.

 

Within a marriage there must be harmony and balance. You must compliment each other not compeate with each other and and if you put two 'alpha' personas together most often there wil be power struggles ect. if you place two 'submisive' personas together most often they there life will fall apart around them.

 

I guess it depends on your deffintion of 'equal' if you both make your marriage work and work on making your lives happy and fufilling then you are equal partners, but within the equal partnership you will see personalitys that compliment each other not compeate against each other, if both the peronalitys with in the partnership were the same you would not see harmony and balance within the partnership you would see compition.

 

For example in a business partnership the two parteners will have different places within the company, you do not see them doing the same jobs for if you did they would go belly up in no time flat. They work together to make it work, and if you look further into there realshonship offten you will find one that tends to be more 'alpha' in the running of the company and one that tends to be more easy going and deal with the other stuff.

 

'Alpha' does not nessacely mean 'bad' it does not equal 'controlling' it does not mean that the other parties opinions are not valid and respected it simply implies the type of personality is strong, or willing to go after what it takes to make life work.

 

To not be 'alpha' dosn't mean they are 'weak' it does not equal 'submisive' it does not mean they don't do things or let people walk all over them. it simply implies that there personalty is more easy going and they don't want to take charge of many of the bigger things in life.

 

You put thoes two together and you will have a equal marriage that works in harmony and in balance with each other.

Yes, yes, yes!!!! That is exactly it. Too many people fail to understand what "alpha" really means. They believe it means that you have to be an arsehole, especially men. It doesn't. It simply means that you're assertive.

 

I know I'm an alpha person with a Type A personality. I adore alpha men who aren't afraid to express what they want but are respectful and mindful of my wants. When you have this mix, a relationship can be dynamite in chemistry.

[Cerise]

Yes, yes, yes!!!! That is exactly it. Too many people fail to understand what "alpha" really means. They believe it means that you have to be an arsehole, especially men. It doesn't. It simply means that you're assertive.

 

Your right, many, many people do think that alpha means controlling arsehole but the people who are controling are just that - controling, they over compinsate for their short comings by bullying somone eles, they are far from an alpha persona.

 

But it is like peoples veiws on a traditional marriage, the way are grandparents ect were. The whole womens movment made it out to be a bad way of life ( don't get me wrong I am NOT against the womens movement but that is an entirly different subject ).

 

There were marriages that fell into the 'traditional' ways where the women stayed at home and ran the house/children and the men went off to work and provided for the family and the husband was respectfull and loving to his wife and children and generally speaking he was considered the 'alpha' male as he took charge to make sure they were provided for ect. and after 50 years of marriage they were still happy and in love.

 

Why? Because there marriage was equal, they both had there roles within the marrage and there personalitys were in harmony, they were not compeating with each other for control as they both had it in different ways.

 

People think that the traditional marriage involed a man contoling his wife and "putting her in her place" when needed was what a traditonal marriage was and since the womens movement we have all been running from and rejecting anything that seems like a traditonal marriage. Yes there were thoes marriages and still are but they are not the ones where after 50 years they are still in love, they are the ones who were still together cause divorce is 'wrong'.

 

All I'm saying is when you look at the tradinonal marriage ( the happy ones) there was often an alpha male or on ocasion an alpha female and that worked and worked well because things were in balance. The world we are in now is so busy rejecting the idea of 'alpha' and 'traditional' marriages that nobody understands what it really takes to make a marriage work, we spend so much time trying to stay in control and not give our power away that the idea of a alpha marriage is horrifying when in reality it does work.