the "it's all about the kids" lie

[JamesM]

 

Good to hear your opinion, James. I would like to know if you have kids yourself. It would be great to hear the opinions of the guys on here who DO have kids.

 

I am going to play devil's advocate here. I am not saying I don't agree that a lot of the "I can't leave because of the kids" stuff isn't BS. I had the same 'excuses' from my exMM. I definitely think the kids thing is a contributing factor. I left my exP after 8 years but I know that I would never have done so had it meant leaving my son. Of course, that is a woman's POV! I couldn't imagine choosing anyone over my son! I guess with a woman there is also a lot more sitgma attached when they do leave their kids whereas if a man does it, it's fairly normal.

 

This has been discussed before and I always wonder the same thing. Does it make a man selfish for leaving his kids for a OW, or does it just mean that they are stronger? I always think it depends on the ages of the kids too.

 

BTW, I am definitely NOT saying that kids are better off if their parents stay together. I am proof (I hope) that children thrive just as well living with one parent. My son's father plays a very active role in his upbringing so I am one of the lucky ones. I feel that my son is better off now but I left for my sake, no one elses, and I hold my hands up to that!

 

I have children...yes. And that would play a huge role in rather I would leave my wife for any reason...and that is with or without another woman involved. I don't think the reason is all BS, but I think that there is usually more.

 

Does it make a man selfish if he leaves his wife because she is not having sex? Personally, at this stage for me, yes. And in my case and many cases I read here, the lack of sex does not mean that the couple isn't happy overall. This happens to be an area that needs a lot or a little of improvement. As I said before, if the marriage was that unhappy, many men wouldn't be here...they would leave or be cheating. I do think that in most cases where abuse is not involved it is better if the parents stay together.

 

The examples we leave to our children are many, and here is one that is vital to their future. I believe that many couples can solve their marital difficulties. And I think divorce should be not be considered...most times. If we as parents tried to stay together for the kids, we would try to solve our differences. We would do everything possible before we left. And we would not seek out an affair. No, I am not judging anyone who has done this, but the children usually are not who we think of first. Our first thoughts is of our immediate happiness...and how we are feeling at the moment. This is a bad example to leave.

 

So, why do I feel that the lack of sex is a big problem? Because I know what we had and I know what we are missing. Do the kids think we get along just fine? Absolutely. We do not fight more. In fact we get along fine. So if I divorced....what would they think? They would be confused and never understand why I did not try harder for their sakes to keep the family together.

[plexus]

so james, you are not having sex with your wife??? If that is the case how long has it been......my exMM claims that he hasnt had sex with his wife in the past three years. they also dont really fight anymore.....just coast along.

[JamesM]

so james, you are not having sex with your wife??? If that is the case how long has it been......my exMM claims that he hasn't had sex with his wife in the past three years. they also don't really fight anymore.....just coast along.

 

 

A sexless marriage is defined as when one person does not feel there is enough sex. Yes, I am "having sex" on occasion...about once to twice a month at most. The last time was almost a month ago. But quantity is not my main issue....I can say that good sex where she enjoys it which happens on average once a week...that would be good.

 

So, no, I am not in a position like some here who have no sex for months. And if we were having no sex for months or years, my ultimatum WOULD be marriage counseling or bust. We have never been there, and I doubt we will.

[mineymoe]

I am not sure how anyone can make a blanket statement that a man or woman saying they wouldn't leave a marriage/relationship because of the kids is a bunch of bs.

Men are just as capable of not wanting to leave their children as women.

I don't see how anyone can say that staying in a marriage is no different then shared custody. There are countless interactions that are missed by child and parent when parents split up. And yes I agree wholeheartedly that many times divorce is better for the kids where parents are fighting etc. however no two people or circumstances are the same.

Yes, I think many times men/women use the children as an excuse in attempts to string along a mistress.

Yes, I also think there are times it is a very legitimate concern.

Yes, i think sometimes it means the person doesn't love the other person enough and is mostly comfortable in the face of a big unknown and any (plus more) combinations thereof.

Divorce statistics are very high. How many times i wonder was an ow/om in the picture before a divorce was final?

I know of people from all sides of the issue.

Is it perfect? I don't think so. Is it reality? yes.

I have shared custody. I am not crazy about it. I hate all the little mix ups, the quiet house and empty beds and worry during visitation. I daresay my ex experiences similiar feelings. I don't think anyone can or should make such a generalization.

[Meaplus3]

I have children...yes. And that would play a huge role in rather I would leave my wife for any reason...and that is with or without another woman involved. I don't think the reason is all BS, but I think that there is usually more.

 

Does it make a man selfish if he leaves his wife because she is not having sex? Personally, at this stage for me, yes. And in my case and many cases I read here, the lack of sex does not mean that the couple isn't happy overall. This happens to be an area that needs a lot or a little of improvement. As I said before, if the marriage was that unhappy, many men wouldn't be here...they would leave or be cheating. I do think that in most cases where abuse is not involved it is better if the parents stay together.

 

The examples we leave to our children are many, and here is one that is vital to their future. I believe that many couples can solve their marital difficulties. And I think divorce should be not be considered...most times. If we as parents tried to stay together for the kids, we would try to solve our differences. We would do everything possible before we left. And we would not seek out an affair. No, I am not judging anyone who has done this, but the children usually are not who we think of first. Our first thoughts is of our immediate happiness...and how we are feeling at the moment. This is a bad example to leave.

 

So, why do I feel that the lack of sex is a big problem? Because I know what we had and I know what we are missing. Do the kids think we get along just fine? Absolutely. We do not fight more. In fact we get along fine. So if I divorced....what would they think? They would be confused and never understand why I did not try harder for their sakes to keep the family together.

 

We would do everything possible before we left. And we would not seek out an affair.

 

Very Good point James, however I don't agree with the not seek out an "A" part. It seem's that lot's of people get into "A'"s sort of by accident, well for lack of something within themselves and their marriage and before the people invloved know it, so much has occured that it's tough to "get out of the "A" You say you and W get along but it's the lack of sex? How can you have true intimacy in your marriage with that lack of sex?

 

AP:)

[JamesM]

You say you and W get along but it's the lack of sex? How can you have true intimacy in your marriage with that lack of sex?

 

AP:)

 

We don't have the true intimacy as is experienced through sex, and that is what I miss. Yet we do have a great friendship and love that is experienced through time together, memories, and children. I would rather spend time with her than with anyone else. I would rather have coffee with her. She is my friend and the one I want to share my day with. And that is what makes it hard...she is also the one I want to show me that she loves me deeply through the intimacy of sex. With her, sex is much more than sex....it is an expression of love.

 

My goal is to reach that intimacy level. I have hope and feel that it could be just around the corner. Empty hope? Could be, but until that is proven...it is a REAL hope to me.

[Meaplus3]

We don't have the true intimacy as is experienced through sex, and that is what I miss. Yet we do have a great friendship and love that is experienced through time together, memories, and children. I would rather spend time with her than with anyone else. I would rather have coffee with her. She is my friend and the one I want to share my day with. And that is what makes it hard...she is also the one I want to show me that she loves me deeply through the intimacy of sex. With her, sex is much more than sex....it is an expression of love.

 

My goal is to reach that intimacy level. I have hope and feel that it could be just around the corner. Empty hope? Could be, but until that is proven...it is a REAL hope to me.

 

You sound hopeful and that's great. I guess I alway's wondered how you can be "Best Friend's" in a marriage and not have a decent sex life? Something that will alway's puzzle me. Just seem's like something is not quite their on a deep emotional level for either party bcasue IMOP LOVE and sex connect. I guess I just have no clue about marriage anymore, LOL.

 

 

 

AP:)

[PoshPrincess]

You sound hopeful and that's great. I guess I alway's wondered how you can be "Best Friend's" in a marriage and not have a decent sex life? Something that will alway's puzzle me. Just seem's like something is not quite their on a deep emotional level for either party bcasue IMOP LOVE and sex connect. I guess I just have no clue about marriage anymore, LOL.

 

My exP and I didn't have sex for over a year and, to be honest, I wasn't too bothered. That's not to say I didn't want sex, but I wasn't really concerned whether I had that sort of intimacy with him. We were great mates, still are, and now I couldn't imagine anything other than that. Of course, it's not particularly healthy to have sexless M/LTR, IMO, unless I suppose, the couple are both perfectly happy with that decision.

 

James, things sound a little more difficult in your case in that your ARE having sex, just not as regularly as you would like. It sounds like you have a great R with your W and what you say is so true, couples should try everything possible to make their M work before they think of quitting. Have you and your W tried some sort of counselling or would you consider it? Does your W know that you are unhappy with the lack of sex? If so, does it concern her? I guess this sort of thing all comes down to the individuals as many couples are probably more than happy having sex a couple of times a month. It totally depends on someone's sex drive I would imagine.

 

It's lovely to hear that you would rather be with your W than anyone else. It's men who are the opposite of you who have got a lot of us girls into the mess we're in now (with a little help from us, of course!) I hope things improve for you.

[frannie]

After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

 

Yes I do. Firstly, that it's dangerous to generalise. Your relationship and your MM I can't comment on, because I don't remember your story. But to say that all men who stay because of the children are really staying because they want to be with the wife..? hmm no, I don't think so.

 

My MM is staying 'because of the children' ... no, not because it would necessarily be better for them (because who knows about that... the jury is always out), but because while he remains married to her, he can see them all weekend every weekend, in their own home which is also his home. In other words, he is staying because he wants to live with his children in his own home. Because they exist. Not because it's for their benefit, or anything necessarily atruistic.

 

As for stringing me along. I've had a few comments that he doesn't really love me because he says this: if he's holding me back, if he's not the right thing for me, then he's prepared to step aside and leave my life. Can't win, can they? If he says 'no, stay!' he's 'stringing me along'... if he says, 'do what you need to do' then he doesn't love me.

 

You know what..? I will go with what I feel is true. He loves me, but puts his time with his kids first. Yes, people can criticise, and can say they know better. But that's really not important to me. I get more and more information (based on experience) all the time.

[overandout]

Yes I do. Firstly, that it's dangerous to generalise. Your relationship and your MM I can't comment on, because I don't remember your story. But to say that all men who stay because of the children are really staying because they want to be with the wife..? hmm no, I don't think so.

 

My MM is staying 'because of the children' ... no, not because it would necessarily be better for them (because who knows about that... the jury is always out), but because while he remains married to her, he can see them all weekend every weekend, in their own home which is also his home. In other words, he is staying because he wants to live with his children in his own home. Because they exist. Not because it's for their benefit, or anything necessarily atruistic.

 

As for stringing me along. I've had a few comments that he doesn't really love me because he says this: if he's holding me back, if he's not the right thing for me, then he's prepared to step aside and leave my life. Can't win, can they? If he says 'no, stay!' he's 'stringing me along'... if he says, 'do what you need to do' then he doesn't love me.

 

You know what..? I will go with what I feel is true. He loves me, but puts his time with his kids first. Yes, people can criticise, and can say they know better. But that's really not important to me. I get more and more information (based on experience) all the time.

 

 

Frannie,

I really like your posts but I can feel the annoyance, bitterness and pain in your comments.

More than a few people have commented on your mm's lack of committment/involvement with you (on the thread you started)--it was actually the majority.

Your mm really doesn't want to change his life at all for you.

If his kids are as important as he tells you, then let him work for the company which is based in his home town and then he can see his children every night. He would have to give you up, but then he is prepared to do that anyway. I don't know, but it wouldn't surprise me if he still loves his wife, but he is not going to tell you that.

 

Most unhappy mm realise that to be with the OW they have to make huge changes and some who want the relationship badly enough will do that. He doesn't see his children during the week by choice, because of where he works. He wants it all and he is getting it all. He sacrifices nothing and a few phone calls is all it takes to maintain the status quo.

He wouldn't want to hurt you by leaving on Friday to go home to his wife, and it does hurt because I have been through it.

 

I just hope that one day you meet a really nice single man who will make you his priority and won't have to phone you sneakily on his cell while his wife's out shopping, because he will be with you. Then you will realise just how much you compromised for your mm.

 

Anyway, I am not going to apologise for wanting the best for you.

[NoIDidn't]

Another thing about the "kids" lie and when it is fallen for: the waiting.

 

The OW that hears "I can't for my kids" eventually hears, "I can't for my grandkids" and "I can't for my great-grandkids". When does it end? When does one wise up and see what they put their own life on hold for?

 

If the kids move out of the house and the MM never does, it still doesn't seem to be enough to jolt some into reality.

 

And in Frannie's MM's case, he's already just a paycheck and a weekend dad. I can't see a D causing him to lose anything other than the convenience of two women fawning over him.

[skindeep]

Annebelle75-I may have to disagree with the opinion that all men use the kids as an excuse for being trapped into staying in a marraige where they are no longer happy. I have children-and I have to say that, as their mother, I have the advantage regarding custody and visitation. Men LOSE what they enjoyed having access to daily-the books read at bedtime, the baths, perhaps dad readying them for school-whatever rituals have been established in their lives with their children. I am not even sure if that can be viewed as completely selfish, either. It is, after all, what's best for the children-it's just unfortunate when the parents can't make it work. We have the choice to accept their desire to be with their children and conintue the relationship, or walk away. It is easiest for the one who doesn't have that connection to take the high road. Sure, people divorce and kids adapt. But the agony of the loss of the day to day with my children would make me think real long and hard about what was really important. I certainly would not leave mine for someone else. Just a thought.

[JamesM]

Annebelle75-I may have to disagree with the opinion that all men use the kids as an excuse for being trapped into staying in a marraige where they are no longer happy. I have children-and I have to say that, as their mother, I have the advantage regarding custody and visitation. Men LOSE what they enjoyed having access to daily-the books read at bedtime, the baths, perhaps dad readying them for school-whatever rituals have been established in their lives with their children. I am not even sure if that can be viewed as completely selfish, either. It is, after all, what's best for the children-it's just unfortunate when the parents can't make it work. We have the choice to accept their desire to be with their children and conintue the relationship, or walk away. It is easiest for the one who doesn't have that connection to take the high road. Sure, people divorce and kids adapt. But the agony of the loss of the day to day with my children would make me think real long and hard about what was really important. I certainly would not leave mine for someone else. Just a thought.

 

Well said. As a man who has much of that, you listed exactly what becomes important not only to the husbands/fathers but also to the children. Yes, as you said, everyone can adapt, but yet so much is lost.

[NoIDidn't]

Well said. As a man who has much of that, you listed exactly what becomes important not only to the husbands/fathers but also to the children. Yes, as you said, everyone can adapt, but yet so much is lost.

 

Annebelle75-I may have to disagree with the opinion that all men use the kids as an excuse for being trapped into staying in a marraige where they are no longer happy. I have children-and I have to say that, as their mother, I have the advantage regarding custody and visitation. Men LOSE what they enjoyed having access to daily-the books read at bedtime, the baths, perhaps dad readying them for school-whatever rituals have been established in their lives with their children. I am not even sure if that can be viewed as completely selfish, either. It is, after all, what's best for the children-it's just unfortunate when the parents can't make it work. We have the choice to accept their desire to be with their children and conintue the relationship, or walk away. It is easiest for the one who doesn't have that connection to take the high road. Sure, people divorce and kids adapt. But the agony of the loss of the day to day with my children would make me think real long and hard about what was really important. I certainly would not leave mine for someone else. Just a thought.

 

Which is why the ones that are using it as an excuse to not make a new commitment are so convincing. Some DO use it as a lie and some don't. But it becomes a lie when the man would rather upend their world by risking getting caught betraying the order they claim to want to preserve, rather than fix the marriage that those kids depend on for stability.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Which is why the ones that are using it as an excuse to not make a new commitment are so convincing. Some DO use it as a lie and some don't. But it becomes a lie when the man would rather upend their world by risking getting caught betraying the order they claim to want to preserve, rather than fix the marriage that those kids depend on for stability.

 

Substitue "kids" with "life" and I'm all over this, AMEN!

[JamesM]

But it becomes a lie when the man would rather upend their world by risking getting caught betraying the order they claim to want to preserve' date=' rather than fix the marriage that those kids depend on for stability.[/quote']

 

Well said. And that is why affairs are so selfish. A "man" tries to have the best of both worlds...as he sees it. He makes no commitment to either one.

[SoxPrincess]

Boy did I hear this one a lot in my A with exMM. When used as a lie, it really is the perfect excuse to tell an unsuspecting OW. Think about it, MM tells OW he can't leave because of his children and OW thinks he's the bees knees and a wonderful father and agrees to keep hanging on because he's such a great catch and obviously a superb Dad..win/win for the MM. I'm not saying it's ALWAYS used an excuse, but it's right up there with "we're not sleeping together" and "I love her but I'm not in love with her" in the lines that most MMs use.

[skindeep]

The truth is, that many of us are seeing our situation more from a position of hindsite, I think. Looking back, perhaps we might have done things differently or not at all. But from my experience, when it starts (the A) two people are not actively or consciously "seeking" anything....it just happens, and when it happens, although you may feel deeply in love and find yourself wanting more, there is a second party involved as well-and they have hopes and dreams and (obviously) a family to be considered. If you are someone who is compassionate, understanding and truly love the other person, you want what is best for them, which only they can decide. And while you are both involved and trying to make since of the whole mess, you simply hope not to be discovered. Sometimes when things don't seem to be working out in our favor, we feel angry and distrustful and beat ourselves up for having been naive, or downright stupid. Bottom line is, if you really didn't believe this person to be a decent human being to begin with, and distrusted him from the beginning, why were you involved with him in the first place? Just because our fantasies don't play out, doesn't make us fools or users. And I can forgive, because I believe that my M was sincere in having deep feelings for me, he just lacked the strength of character in the long run to do the

tough part-make a choice and go with it. Now that it has blown up in his face, he is doing some real soul searching and I am leaving him to sort things out, and handle the fallout, without my intervention. I still wrestle with the questions: was it real, were his feelings sincere, am I just another statistic(yuck), was he just feeding me a line of BS? But if I look back on the time we shared, and the heart to hearts we had along the way, I am reassured that the reason I fell for this guy, in spite of his failings and shortcomings, was because he is a decent human being who has found himself lost and torn between the responsibility he feels for his family and the affection he developed for me. Affairs are selfish, no doubt, but not always a premeditated deception.

[child_of_isis]

If it were all about his children, he wouldn't be having an A and risking his M.

 

Children are very connected to their Mother. This connection is mental, physical, spiritual. They are aware when she cries, when she is hurting. Even if she tries her best to put on a happy face.

 

They start hurting also. Because they become confused. Wondering if somehow they are causing her pain.

 

Can you even imagine being a small child walking around thinking.."Mommy is crying so I must be doing something wrong...but I don't know what I am doing wrong". Due to the mother/child bond, this is the way children think.

 

Is that freaking heartbreaking or what? So, as a Mother...no one can tell me that a cheating H is in the mindset of "it's all about the kids". It's not.

 

It is all about him. He comes first. Even before the children.

 

He is just rationalizing when he tells himself this. And due to his lies and manipulating your reality, you too, (the OW) starts rationalizing and defending his behavior in the very exact manner that he does.

 

That's the way it works. That is what the bond between you and him is about.

 

You know what..? I will go with what I feel is true. He loves me, but puts his time with his kids first. Yes, people can criticise, and can say they know better. But that's really not important to me. I get more and more information (based on experience) all the time.

[PoshPrincess]

Annebelle75-I may have to disagree with the opinion that all men use the kids as an excuse for being trapped into staying in a marraige where they are no longer happy. I have children-and I have to say that, as their mother, I have the advantage regarding custody and visitation. Men LOSE what they enjoyed having access to daily-the books read at bedtime, the baths, perhaps dad readying them for school-whatever rituals have been established in their lives with their children. I am not even sure if that can be viewed as completely selfish, either. It is, after all, what's best for the children-it's just unfortunate when the parents can't make it work. We have the choice to accept their desire to be with their children and conintue the relationship, or walk away. It is easiest for the one who doesn't have that connection to take the high road. Sure, people divorce and kids adapt. But the agony of the loss of the day to day with my children would make me think real long and hard about what was really important. I certainly would not leave mine for someone else. Just a thought.

 

SkinDeep, I am totally with you on this. I know from my exPs POV that when we split up he was devastated at the thought of not having that proper 'family' time with his son. To walk through the door in the evening and have him shout "Daddy!" and run into his arms, and all the things you take for granted when you have your kids full-time. He wanted to be there every morning when he son woke up and, like you said, for bathtime, bedtime stories, etc. Just normal stuff. I feel that my son and his Dad actually have a closer R for not living together full-time. His Dad does so much more with him one to one now as the 2/3 times a week they do spend together are so much more precious.

[NoIDidn't]

I still wrestle with the questions: was it real, were his feelings sincere, am I just another statistic(yuck), was he just feeding me a line of BS? But if I look back on the time we shared, and the heart to hearts we had along the way, I am reassured that the reason I fell for this guy, in spite of his failings and shortcomings, was because he is a decent human being who has found himself lost and torn between the responsibility he feels for his family and the affection he developed for me. Affairs are selfish, no doubt, but not always a premeditated deception.

 

I can agree with much of this, but everyone isn't a decent person. There are some real a**holes out there.

 

I have dated guys that have totally mistreated me in hindsight, and I don't hold any bitterness towards them or the situations I allowed. But that doesn't change the fact that some of them were indeed scum.

 

There are lots of losers that call themselves fathers that would gladly trade their kids' happiness for their own. They are emotionally stunted and retarded and can't see beyond their own noses. There are far more of these kinds of people nowadays than anyone cares to admit.

 

I stand by my assertion that if a man truly values his kids and family will end the A and work on the M for the sake of the emotional well-being of his kids. And I stand by the fact that it is a lie when he is willing to continue risking their security for his happiness. There is nothing decent about that. May not have started out premeditated, but as it continues it is very much a willful, premeditated and planned deception.

[jj2007]

After my own experince and reading so many stories here I've come to the conclusion that when a MM says "I can't leave because of my kids," he is actually saying, "I don't want to be with you badly enough to give up my wife and life I have become acustom to."

 

Saying they are staying for their kids is a convenient way for them to sound selfless and trapped even though its not a viable excuse. Thousands of people with children divorce every year. When you divorce your spouse you don't suddenly stop being a father to your children. And what's a better example for the children? Two parents who decide to divorce or parents that stay together while one cheats on the other?

 

I really believe that MM that use there kids as an excuse or just stringing OW along and in the process making themselves out to be martyrs. No person is ever truly "trapped" in a marriage. All you have to do is look at the yearly statistic for divorce in the world to know better.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on the matter?

 

Yeah anyone married and cheating is pretty much a liar anyway. That's old news. What surprises me is that people still fall for it.

[skindeep]

Noididn't-I did not mean it to sound as if I was defending the H continuing an affair in lieu of leaving. I agree with everything you said. The fact that he (H) is most troubled by the thought losing his kids- (he imagines the worst case scenario, of course) MAY not be a fabricated lie. The significance of the loss impacts different people in different ways-there are obviously dead-beat dads......I was responding to the comment made that whenever a man tells the OW this, it is always a lie and a ploy to convince her (OW) to continue the deception by eliciting sympathy and empathy from the OW. There's no getting around it-there was always the opportunity for us to leave the situation if it didn't suit us. If we hung around too long, waiting with baited breath for the fantasy to become real, wasted precious years believing in words instead of actions, we chose for ourselves and have no one else to blame. That is, unless you have fallen victim to the no-good shister-type who should have signed on for long-term psychoanalysis instead of an A! Sorry to hear it has happened to you..... Trying to pursuade another person that what

we want is what's best for them, too, doesn't work if it's not what they want. If my OM had just listened to me............I had it all worked out and tied up with a pretty bow.

[NoIDidn't]

Noididn't-I did not mean it to sound as if I was defending the H continuing an affair in lieu of leaving. I agree with everything you said. The fact that he (H) is most troubled by the thought losing his kids- (he imagines the worst case scenario, of course) MAY not be a fabricated lie. The significance of the loss impacts different people in different ways-there are obviously dead-beat dads......I was responding to the comment made that whenever a man tells the OW this, it is always a lie and a ploy to convince her (OW) to continue the deception by eliciting sympathy and empathy from the OW. There's no getting around it-there was always the opportunity for us to leave the situation if it didn't suit us. If we hung around too long, waiting with baited breath for the fantasy to become real, wasted precious years believing in words instead of actions, we chose for ourselves and have no one else to blame. That is, unless you have fallen victim to the no-good shister-type who should have signed on for long-term psychoanalysis instead of an A! Sorry to hear it has happened to you..... Trying to pursuade another person that what

we want is what's best for them, too, doesn't work if it's not what they want. If my OM had just listened to me............I had it all worked out and tied up with a pretty bow.

 

Skindeep

 

Hey, sorry I used your words in my response. They just fit what I wanted to address. I mostly agree with you. Its just that there are guys that are bad guys with only their own interest at heart. Especially the "stringing along" kind.

 

I really have a hard time understanding how someone even believes that "staying for the kids" thing once the kids are grown and gone and grandkids start coming in. I have seen it. Boards and IRL. That, and should the guy ever leave, those kids will hate the mockery that was made of their life by the secrets.

 

But that's really just my opinion, mainly.

[Love is Tragic]

arrggg.. ive heard that so many times from my MM. Not that i want him to leave her for me or anything like that. He claims they hardly ever have sex, and when they do its less than mediocre, that they fight all the time, but she would 'take him for everything' if he ever left her or if she found out about the affair. If it was me, and i was in a marriage like that, theres no way i would stay for the kids. I think the kids would be better off being with parents who are actually happy. I never understood why some people stay so long when they are clearly miserable. Not me.