80 days til wedding My Mother was and still is a Control Freak;

[go43ah]

I am a 24 y/o woman engaged to my fiance who is 26. He has a good job and takes good care of the boys (our 2 puppies) and me. I also work. My mother and my fiance didn't get off to a good start. I don't think that she ever really gave him a true fair chance. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a finance degree; He didn't have brown hair, brown eyes, and he wasn't a doctor. Who cares?? I don't; I'm happy with him! Our wedding is Sept 28 (80 days away). I have been planning it for months with his mother's help since my mother refused to be involved in the wedding. I already picked out my dress, my bridesmaids dresses, the tuxes, the dj, the food, etc. They are suddenly upset b/c my fiance and I are getting married in the Catholic Church. He is Catholic; I'm a mix of Christian/Baptist/Catholic. I went to a Baptist grade school and a Catholic high school and college. My mother seems to think that I should have the same beliefs as she does. I have learned a lot throughout school and I am a mix on things. I believe what I want to believe. What is wrong with a Catholic?? Nothing in my opinion. If you believe in God, then what is the problem? My fiance really loves me, but my mother and my family is just too much to deal with. My mother has said that she will not be at the wedding, nor will anyone else in the family. That really hurts me a great deal. I'm not sure of what to do? I just hate being in the middle and being torn apart all the time. My family doesn't acknowledge the fact that we are engaged. If they don't acknowledge that, then how are they going to accept and acknowledge the fact that we are married? My mother also goes off on the deep end and calls me a disappointment, bring up money this & that, and that she thinks I'm a *w (the w word). I shouldn't marry a Catholic, I shouldn't get married until I finish college. I have been in college for 5 years. I'm 2 classes away from my nursing degree but I have had a bad bout of things (dealing w/her & her abuse/not wanting to let go of me; I've missed passing a couple of classes by 3 questions -- so I'm kicked out of the program and there is nothing I can do about it right now). At least I am working & not asking her for anything. We didn't even ask her to help with the wedding. We are paying for it with a little help from his mom & dad. I'm at my wits end. I don't want to lose my fiance over my parents & their control issues! How do I get them under control?????

[quankanne]

sometimes you need to pick your battles ... and since you're down to 80 days til marriage (woo HOO!!! Congratulations, kiddo), focus on the wedding. Your family will eventually come around. If not, at the point of sounding cold or crass, that's their problem. You know?

 

you and your fiancé are probably going through a marriage preparation course required by the church: Talk to the presenters, or even make an appointment with the diocesan family life office for pointers on how to handle this problem with your mother and your family. This person might not have all the answers, but you may just feel better talking to a "professional."

 

something you may want to inform your mother about next time she kvetches about marrying a Catholic: the Church takes marriage very, very seriously and does her best to prepare couples for marriage because it is considered a sacrament. That could assuage her fears about you getting mixed up with a denomination she doesn't know anything about.

 

good luck with getting all the wedding details settled, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Remember, even though you are related to your family by blood ties, you're in it with your future groom because you love each other and are willing to take that leap of faith together into the great unknown. And that trumps meddling mother any day in my book.

[Windwalker]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I don't know your whole situation, but it doesn't sound like anything new, and it doesn't sound like it's going to stop until you put some boundaries down about how she can and cannot talk to you. Tell her how you feel and that it's not ok to put you down all the time and that when she does in the future, you'll give her one sweet reminder. If that doesn't do the trick, you'll hang up.

 

I'm sorry. We'd all like to have supportive parents, but some of us just don't. They hurt us, and we have to stand up for ourselves and say stop it and be ready to cut them out of our lives if they're too toxic. Which hurts, but not as much as what she's putting you through now.

[curiousnycgirl]

OY this one simply sux. I too have a controlling mother who used to say very hurtful things (and then deny them) when I did not agree with her.

 

I finally put my foot down and said you can either be part of my life, or not. The choice is yours. If this bad behavior continues then she will clearly have made her choice.

 

I would further elaborate to say that if she chooses to not attend your wedding, and the rest of the family makes the same decision, that you will be saddened, and that it will clearly create a rift between you and the family, but it is a choice you will both have to live with. And it will be a rift that will incumbent upon HER to fix, as she will have been the cause of it.

 

Bottom line is only she can control her behavior, you can control how you react to it and how it affects the other aspects of your life (ie your fiance).

 

Good luck to you.