now theres more

[spunkyteach]

so in my previous post i shared how some things have been going with my bf lately (not so hot) and just friday i decided to live in the now, we cant let our pasts hold us back, we have an awesome future and dwelling will only make it worse. so i asked him if he could please make time for dinner on friday night so we could talk about things. i just wanted to talk and get things out and tell him idneed his help in dealing with the things that have happened because i wasnt having very good luck at it. from this something got mentioned about a work associate of his. ive heard him talk about her and shes married with two kids so i thought nothing of it. lets back up a few months here and ill share more...my bf is in a wheelchair and he has a pouch on the front of his chair where he keeps all his cards and money and such and one nite as we were getting out of his car some of the things in his pouch fell out...one of them was a yellow posty note that said "hi babe"...he said he didnt know who it was from or how long itd been in there and that he had no clue what was going on and hed throw it away (he said he put it with the other trash from his car and it was gone-so we moved on). then a few weeks ago we were at the DMV and well you all know what the dmv is like so as we were sitting there he was sorting through his pouch and came across a business card from said female at his office that said "IWLTLY just so you know" and i was like thats weird..and he said "yeah i dont even know what that means" blah blah blah and he threw it away. then when burning a disc of pics last week i see a file named menamy on his computer and its the same lady and him all cuddled up in his car...just the two of them dated feb 6 of this year. i thought it was a lil odd so i was just going to ask him about it that nite at dinner as well. so i did and he emphatically told me "she is just a work associate...we have never hung out...we never did anything...shes married and has 2 kids" so again, i believed him. then yesterday while sweeping the kitchen floor i knocked over a stack of his papers he had in the corner and in them were a pile of cards with the same handwriting from the posty note and from the business card and they all said "I would love to love you" or "IWLTLY" and she signed them all Love ya baby-Me...and the cards were explicit, things he could do with his tongue, whipped cream and chocolate syrup. one was about how happy he made her and hes the best thing in her life for as long as she could remember and one was a happy valentines day card. so i asked him about it and he denied it, said he didnt know where theyd have come from. i had them right in front of me. so i pick the things up and while i am i see an old phone of his. (he recently upgraded) and i turned it on i wont lie, curiosity got the best of me and there were SEVERAL texts from her "call me" "im online husbands not home call me" "hey wanna say hi to me" "hi baby hope you have a great weekend kisses". now all of the other things happened before we met as far as i can tell (we met feb 21) BUT the text messages were actually from teh end of march. so he had told me he never had anything with her. that she was ONLY a work associate and she ONLY talked to him about work things when she texted or IM'd (altho last week she called our house at 8 in the morning and asked him to bring her coffee and he left to go take it to her). she will beep in on him when hes not on IM and tell him to get online andhe will...(the messages go to his phone as a text) and he says its all work related. he then tells me that she was having issues with her husband and he was being a friend to her. she took it the wrong way and told her that they couldnt be together cause he wouldnt be that man and she persisted. he says that he would thank her for the cards but tell her she needed to be giving those to her husband. and he took the pic with her in his car one day when all of his work people were going to lunch and she talked him into it. they rode together and met other people at the restaurant. anyways...he sat across the table from me and told me she was nothing, theyd never hung out, she was always going home to her husband (two weeks to the day after i found out that a friend of his on myspace who is married as well tried to start an affair with him and he told her no because she was married and nothing ever happened other than pic and text messages and phone calls and that he never led her on) he says he didnt lead this work lady on either. he said he obviously didnt handle it right because she didnt quit but he says these two women and his association with them are the two most embarrassing things in his whole life and he didnt want to talk about them. he said he knew he was lying when he did it and he never thought twice about it but that he had to because of the situation. he said it is in his past its none of my business and i am no longer allowed to mention it. he said i can be mad about it but he wants this to work but i have to let him try. he says the married ladys husband knows but took his old phone with the messages on it with him this morning when he left because he said he didnt know what i would do to try and mess with her with that info (btw i would NEVER do that to her husband...just FYI and he KNOWS this). the thing is i quit my job to move an hour away from all of my friends after i uprooted my life after my divorce. the past three years have been amazing for me i have grown so much and learned so much and am giving all thatup to move to be with him. (my job is seemingly more transferrable so it seemed the best way to go) i havent seen my friends i havent been out of the house as i am an hour away in a rather large city now and dont know my surroundings. as i mentioned in my last post...he will come straight home and go to his computer to play war games then he goes to the couch and falls asleep and he will come into bed whenever he wakes up in the middle of the night. he says he loves me, wants to marry me, understands what ive done to make this work and all ive sacrificed to be with him but he doesnt show me that much. last nite got ugly with the cards and stuff from the work lady. he tried to tell me that they werent from her then went on to say he knew that the posty note was from her that nite he denied it and he knew what the lil acronym meant on that business card meant but that it was in his past so it didnt matter and i cant ask anymore. the thing is some of the things were sent to him after me so therefore thats not his past, thats his present with me. i guess what i dont know is if im missing red flags here and allowing myself to get taken advantage of again. i really never thought i would find a man like him and i had envisioned my fairy tale life with him and trusted him with everything i had, which for me is a big deal. i stay at home all day and clean and cook and drop things off at the pharmacy and post office for him every day. i wait for him to come home i have the house ready for him. i tell him i love him and that he is amazing and hes the best thing thats ever happened to me again because i believe it and i do love him i love doing all of these things and i want to do it but then through all of this i wonder if he means anything hes said. i wonder if he really wants me to move in with him and if he can ever tell me the truth. he said he was protecting me cause he knew itd hurt me and his exact answer when i asked him how he could lie to me was "i dont know i just did" and he kept saying its not abig deal it wasnt a big deal i never had anything with her i never touched her i never kissed her i never slept with her, but those cards would lead you to think otherwise. and having the lil cuddly pic in his car on top of the other two pics he had of her . he says its his past and doesnt matter, shes married and he wouldnt do it. he works with her every day he said thats another reason he didnt tell me cause he didnt want me to worry while he was away. he says hes distanced her as much as he can and that he doesnt have feelings for her but i cant help but feel like things are different. i cannot imagine lying to him about everything and he says he didnt lie that he just left some things out and if hadnt have kept asking i wouldnt know then i wouldnt be hurt. im sorry i am so rambly here its just that this all started yesterday at like 2 in the afternoon and we were up till 5 this morning arguing about it and ive been up since 8 as i never really slept. on top of this i had been dealing with issues from his last lil series of lies and he basically did the same thing over and over again and has been from about the third week weve been together apparently (in regards to this work lady). i cant quit crying and i cant keep any food down...i just want things back the way they were and i dont know what to do. thanks so much