is ACOA boyfriend creating drama in the relationship?

[jackie]

my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year now. we have some fights (the usual stuff about time and togetherness), but have just started to go to couples therapy (two sessions so far). in general, we are fulfilled in our relationship. we don't argue constantly, and we share our thoughts and feelings with each other. i've always thought that we worked to meet each others needs. the problem is that he recently asked for a week apart, because he needed space to figure out if our relationship is salvageable. it was completely out of the blue, and i gave it to him out of shock and fear. we've never discussed breaking up before in either therapy or our other time together. the thing is that our therapy sessions have been mainly focused on him. he's been stirring up all of this stuff about his alcoholic and dysfunctional family. he's been crying at least twice a week this month, and he never cries (in itself something we've tried to work on). as well, he's been suffereing from seasonal depression. i feel completely abandoned and shut out. i can't understand how all of this could have happened in the space of a few hours. part of me thinks he is doing this because of all the painful feelings that our couple's therapy has been stirring up. he keeps on saying that he's confused and his comments towards me are very conflicted (i love you and can't bear to spend new year's without you, i don't know if we can make this work, i will fight for the relationship if i can, etc...). i am willing to give him space and dial down our relationship a bit so that he can take care of himself, but i don't want to wait forever. it is very difficult for me to do this because i lost my mother at a young age, so have several painful issues with loss and separation. what do i do? i know that i can't know what he will do at the end of this week. i know that i can't somehow take control of this situation. are people working through tough stuff able to maintain a relationship? is this a bump in the road for us or is it the end? his confusion has made me confused about all of this too.

 

thank you.

[Alani]

my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year now. we have some fights (the usual stuff about time and togetherness), but have just started to go to couples therapy (two sessions so far). in general, we are fulfilled in our relationship. we don't argue constantly, and we share our thoughts and feelings with each other. i've always thought that we worked to meet each others needs. the problem is that he recently asked for a week apart, because he needed space to figure out if our relationship is salvageable. it was completely out of the blue, and i gave it to him out of shock and fear. we've never discussed breaking up before in either therapy or our other time together. the thing is that our therapy sessions have been mainly focused on him. he's been stirring up all of this stuff about his alcoholic and dysfunctional family. he's been crying at least twice a week this month, and he never cries (in itself something we've tried to work on). as well, he's been suffereing from seasonal depression. i feel completely abandoned and shut out. i can't understand how all of this could have happened in the space of a few hours. part of me thinks he is doing this because of all the painful feelings that our couple's therapy has been stirring up. he keeps on saying that he's confused and his comments towards me are very conflicted (i love you and can't bear to spend new year's without you, i don't know if we can make this work, i will fight for the relationship if i can, etc...). i am willing to give him space and dial down our relationship a bit so that he can take care of himself, but i don't want to wait forever. it is very difficult for me to do this because i lost my mother at a young age, so have several painful issues with loss and separation. what do i do? i know that i can't know what he will do at the end of this week. i know that i can't somehow take control of this situation. are people working through tough stuff able to maintain a relationship? is this a bump in the road for us or is it the end? his confusion has made me confused about all of this too. thank you.

 

You sound as if you have a wonderful grasp on what is going on with your lives, individually and collectively. This is great. However, insight does not always "fix" things, does it? As you say, he does seem quite conflicted and confused, as is evidenced by both his remarks and his behaviour. I think that the best thing you can do for your boyfriend at the moment, is to give him the space and the time he obviously requires right now, to work out his feelings. It seems such a cliche, doesn't it? How often have women heard that phrase from their male partners, "I just need some space...". Admittedly, I have sometimes wanted to reply with, "Righto buddy, have all the space you need...have it for the rest of your life for all I care...tata!!". I am not making light of your situation though. I am just saying that sometimes that "space" thing can be as irritating as it is confusing. But... your boyfriend (like yourself also), has some familial issues that, as you say, may very well have emerged since you began therapy together. Perhaps there ARE issues that need working through in your relationship as well, but, dare I offend any male readers, men do not always cope with emotional stuff as well as women. Maybe the therapy is resulting in him touching on pain he hasn't recognised, let alone healed. If there are also relationship issues that need resolving, he may be feeling quite overwhelmed right now. Accordingly, men, as we are all sadly aware, are STILL not really "allowed" to be emotional; to express themselves; to be, heaven forbid, perceived in any way, as not masculine. They are also encouraged from an early age, (which may also be genetically influenced), to be the fix-er-upperers...of all problems. Maybe your boyfriend is wanting space from your relationship for all the reasons I have suggested already, but mainly, perhaps, he is realising that there are some things he can't just "fix". Thus, he might be feeling somewhat inadequate...as a man right now. He might not like you seeing him in pain, or seeing him displaying any vulnerability. I have a feeling that everything will be okay for you both. I think that time and a little distance to start him integrating his new "realities", etc., will find him wanting you back. Be positive, and all the best.