Broke-up but still acting like we're together

[prism23]

Hi guys,

 

My ex and I (we're both 22) broke up about a month and a half ago. At first, we talked a fair bit after and we saw each other at our Graduations (a week afer the breakup), which was awkward as he had not yet told his family we broke up. The day right after graduation we spent together as we previously had tickets to a show and still both wanted to go, so we went.

 

Over those 3 days (grad+show) we ended up hanging out alot, discussing things, and basically the reason for the break up is: he has alot of things going on right now (starting his own business, renovating an entire house, death in the family, his family moving, & more family issues), and is complicated even more with me moving back home (1 hr - 2 hrs away, depending on if he's at his family home or the house he's renovating) and starting a new school for 2 yrs in Sept. Basically, he still cares about me and loves me, but can't commit to a serious relationship right now. OK, fine. I can actually mostly understand that. I've now worked out that its more he can't deal with the "obligation" (for lack of a better word) of a girlfriend right now (ie feeling guilty for not seeing me, calling me, being too busy to spend time etc)

 

However... I went about my life after grad, we talked alot for about a week but it was getting to me so I just stopped. Didn't really contact him at all, when about a week and a half of us not talking or anything (3-4 wks after the breakup) he out of the blue calls ms up "just to chat". He's at the renovation house, and "coincidently" I am in the town that house is in for the day. We chat, I have to go, and he msgs me later that night. Basically we make plans to meet up the following evening when I am back in 'his' area again (he actually REARRANGED his initial plans so this was possible) He is excited I'm comming.

 

When I'm there, he is acting like everything is normal - it's only awkward because it wasn't awkward at all, if that makes sense. It even got to the point where he'd stand close to me, He even grabbed my hand at one point, put his arm around me, etc. We did end up sleeping together that day, but it his behaviour did not change before or after. At this point (and I know people are going to scoff) I would like to mention that he does NOT 'just sleep' with girls unless he has feelings for them, he has ONLY ever slept with one other girl (his first love) and does not even fool around with girls unless there are feelings involved. Anyways, he even rests his head on my legs when we were watching a movie, etc. He then tries to convince me to spend the night, argues that my work is 'just as close' from his place. I say no, citing the reason of not having my work stuff (really it would have been TOOOOO WEIRD). We fall asleep, and when I wake up it's late and I need to go home, like, an hour ago. He comes up to the door with me, hugs me goodbye (as I expected - as he's done it the 2 other times I've seen him since the breakup), kisses my cheek (also half expected), but what really surprised me was when I pulled away from the hug, he actually KISSED me goodbye. Smiled, "I'll see you later".

 

We talked for the first time tonight since then (a week) and he was a bit standoffish, but he had had a HUGE row with his mother which put him in a foul mood.

 

A few more things to note... His best friend has told me the ex misses me. He STILL has yet to tell his family we've broken up, despite ample opportunity to. He has even said things like "I wish we had met in a few years when we're both more settles", "I honestly think things can work out between us eventually", and "When I am ready for a commitment, I hope it can be with you".

 

However I have made it clear I'm not waiting, and he doesn't expect me too. If, when he is ready, the timing is on our side then it is, and if it isn't than it isn't.

 

What is going on?? (& please, no comments about how we are "too young" and I can't possibly love him/want to spend the rest of my life with him, sick of hearing it) I honestly believe that he is confused and can't deal with the "commitment"/"obligation" right now; but is there a chance in a few years things will work out? I don't want to cut him completly out of my life; and I am not waiting on him but I don't want to fully close the door on things either (hard to put into words). Is he changing his mind/second guessing himself by the way he's acting (which I don't want) or do you think he is just trying to keep the door open for when he is "ready" to settle down, has an estiblished career & house, and has time to devote to a relationship (as he has more or less said is the case)

 

**Edit: Just to clarifly one more thing, I DO NOT want to get back together with him anytime soon... we have talked about this before, how he needs "freedom" and such, and needs to focus on himself as an individual - it has been an ongoing issue for awhile (paticularily last summer, when we were both very busy and working opposite hours, me days, him nights - although in the same town, which made seeing each other tiring and more a 'chore' than enjoyable). He could come to me in a week and say he's changed his mind, and I honestly would not want to get back together with him because I sincerly believe he needs to work these things out before he will be in the right place for a 'serious' relationship. However, this does NOT mean I don't want things to work out in year or two when he DOES have his business started, house finished, I've graduated from my 2nd degree and am working fulltime, etc. I guess I'm trying to figure out the best way to keep that door open for the next few years without "clinging" and hanging on.

 

Sorry this is so long... I hope it made sense, I can get confusing when I ramble... I'm not even sure I'm asking for and/or looking for advice or validation of my thoughs or whether I'm jsut venting... but if you have and thoughts or comments I'd love to hear them... lol!

 

P.

[McFadden]

Get ready to catch hell, you're about to be told by at least half of the people here that

 

a) its not true that he only sleeps with girls he has feelings for and he just wants to keep you in the picture to use you as a friends with benefits scenario because that's obviously how all young guys are and

b) you are too young.

 

Now that thats out of the way I don't think you have to rule out the possibility of him ever being in your life, but at the current time the main thing is to completely move on from the relationship. If you remain in close contact that will be a lot harder. You may want to ask that he give you space for a while and not keep in touch with him a lot if at all. It may be true that he wants to keep the door open and get back together when he is ready for a relationship, but there's a large possibility things on his end will change between now and then. So its good that you aren't depending on things turning out that way. If its meant to be it will.

[spookie]

You know, I am in the exact situation you are, down to the ages, the reasons behind the breakup, my unwavering belief that it would have worked out had we just met a couple of years later.

 

My ex wanted to remain friends as well, and when we hung out, it felt just like we were back together. Actually, it felt better. With the pressure to fulfill boyfriendly obligations off, he WANTED to do things for me. He helped me move. He too me to the airport when I needed to fly home. He called every day. The sex was amazing.

 

I told myself, for a while, that it was ok that we weren't officially together. I guess, subconsciously, I felt that as long as he still loved me, I had nothing to be afraid of.

 

He had told me, when we broke up, that he wanted to focus on himself for a while, that he didn't want to date. He said he just wanted more time to think about his future, work on his career, etc.

 

Well, some time passed with us in this arrangement. He started popping up all over the facebook. RSVPing to parties Making friends with girls. Going swimming with new people, drinking, etc.

 

And that's when I realized that I couldn't be just friends. Maybe nothing was going on between him and his new scantily-clad female friends, but I realized I woudlnt' be able to handle it if something were. Moreover, I couldn't hold him responsible to any kind of fidelity toward me - we were broken up, after all. I realized I needed the security of a relationship, needed the promise form him to think of my feelings first, to NOT put himself in compromising situations. When a guy has a gf and he is drunk and surrounded by hot women who want to mess around with him, he has some moral responsibility to leave the situation. Half the point of being single is that you have no one to be accountable to, and I will guarantee that a single guy in that kind of situation, especially when he might think he likes the girl he is with (and your bf will have plenty of opportunity to be around attractive, likeable girls) will go with the flow. That's the difference between being committed to someone and not.

 

I don't know what to tell you, except that you should be prepared for a world of hurt if you want to remain friends. If he isn't with you, it's likely that at one point or another (and probably sooner than you think, if he is as great as you say) he will get together with someone else - either emotionally, mentally, or physically. Until you can handle that, I would recommend staying away.

 

I don't think not being friends right now will decrease the chance that you could get together in the future. If anything, it would allow you to both move on for real and develop into "real" people without each other's influence. It's likely that as you move on from each other, you will move in opposite directions (it hurts me so much to think about this happening with my ex, whom I still love SOOO much) and your lives will never cross again - but that's life. Right now, you cannot be together. So, be apart, and have faith that the future, no matter which direction it takes you, will bring you joy.

[LakesideDream]

Hey spookie, A little advice from a guy who "didn't when he shoulda" twenty years before you were born.

 

If you love him.. put on your best bathing suit and jump in. Help with his business, work like a laborer on that house, and start building a team/partnership that will last a lifetime.

 

Make a plan, write it down, take it to him and show him how much better life can be with the two of you tackling it together.

 

It might be the greatest love the worlds ever know... you will never know till you try.