ex interaction changing my life

[myhotrod123456789]

I was with my ex for about 5 years. Took the relationship from college into the real world, which actually put us living about an hour apart. Eventually, we agreed to split up a little less than a year ago because we began fighting more because I was being needy and she was busy. The distance just made it hard. Too hard to overcome given how long we had been dating and having taken it for granted. The first 4 years of the relationship was amazing and we traveled all around the world. She is as close to a soulmate as I could imagine... not to say she is perfect by any means, but the relationship was easy for so long.

 

After the split up, I still loved her and wanted to get back together, but she was adament that she wanted this time to figure stuff out. She would say stuff like 'we need to take things slow' and 'lets take baby steps' (my old posts might still be accessable on this forum). She sent an email when things were still hard for me that was pretty emotional talking about how much she loves me and since it was tough towards the end, she worried that without knowing what else was out there, it would be hard to remain happy in the long run... she would always wonder and question especially if things were this hard already. Essentially, she phrased it in the sense that given the course we had been on, it is hard not to think in terms of ending up forever with that person. And she said that I am very important to her and it is infinately hard for her to not have me in her life and that is why she wanted to remain in contact with me even though I had expressed concerns.

 

Although she did respect my wishes and we went NC for about 4 months. That ended with her sending me an email saying that she had birthday presents for me that we never exchanged and she wanted konw what to do with them. A way to put the ball in my court. We met up and it was great. We have had dinners and hung out since then and we are beginning to see/talk to eachother more and more. We've gone out to nice restaurants and spent hours talking about everything (except current relationship matters). She sounds excited to talk to me like she did when we started dating years ago. Most recently, we talked about traveling together again and we both make comments about seeing eachother more and questioning why we see eachother so little. She made me promise that we take a camping trip soon. This happened at a gathering where people apparently still thought we were together because we spent the whole evening together and were playful with one another.

 

That brings you all up to the current situation.

 

That is all fine, but the problems:

1) I have issues figuring out where she is coming from. On one hand, it hurt that she was adament about not being with me and it would be hard to simply just let her back into my life without her making a big effort. At the same time, I understand her reasoning and it was a question that I even had when things were hard, but for whatever reason (more scared of being alone?) I wanted to push through it no matter the emotional drain. At this point, she isn't making any moves that would suggest anything beyond good friend status. So, I think the big effort move is still a ways off, but obviously I would like to see her do it sooner rather than before I start investing emotionally in her again. The current situation of essentially getting to know eachother again is fine and I am going along with the flow right now, but I don't like the feeling that she has this much control. I don't want to bring up serious relationship thoughts right now because I enjoy the time we have to hang out right now.

 

2) I have a new girlfriend that I have been seeing for about 3 months. She is infatuated with me and is about as great as a girlfriend as they come. She supports me and is willing to help me at all times. In fact, it is sometimes overbearing. The problem is that I feel like I am emotionally cheating my current girlfriend because of the time and feelings I still have for my ex. I am honest with my gf and told her that I saw a movie with my ex and she kind of flipped out and basically told me that I can't see her anymore as long as I want to be with her. And I know the right thing to do at this point would be to say I am not ready to do that. But I went ahead with it and said I wouldn't see my ex. Essentially my issue is that I am not sure how my ex is influencing my impression of my current gf. If my ex hated me and I would never see her again, then I think I would be much more excited about my current relationship. But the ex is kind of muddying the waters and I think it is unfair... yet I still think she is my soulmate. Go figure.

 

I would appreciate all comments on the 2 problems above. I think I know what I need to do for problem 2, but it is just incredibly hard to stop seeing someone who is so attentive. Especially, when it is kind of choosing my ex over her. An ex that isn't forthcoming with her feelings. This probably makes me sound selfish, but I really am a sensitive and caring person. Just very confused.

[simple_life_a]

Hope this sheads some light.....it seems to me that you are still in love with your ex, and even though the new gf is great, your heart and feelings lie with your ex. I think you have two opportunities to take a good hard look at:

a) Resolution: You need to look at the situation and have clear direction whether or not your ex and you could ever work things out. This could mean a simple conversation regarding what she wants from you and if you could start at slow trying again. If you are honest with her, and do not push the serious relationship note, she should be open and honest with you on what she forsee's for the near future. But you have to be willing to accept the decision and work your way from there.

b) Your current gf: It is not fair to hear to string her along if you still are in love with your ex, or carry those feelings. I would think you need to take time to resolve the situation with your ex before you potentially end up hurting your current gf more in the end. If your honest with her she will respect you for it.

 

I am currently going through a similar scenario, not to this depth, in this case being the current gf of a guy who didn't know if he still had feelings for his ex and it causes some issues for us, we took some time apart so he could figure out what he wanted, which was only fair to me and I was happy he was honest. I didn't want to be stuck in a situation where there is uncertainty, and I am sure your current gf feels the same way.