Abusive ex still controllig my g/f

[QWERTY]

Hi,

 

I've been involved with my g/f for a year, and love her very much. I got involved with her six months after she left an emotionally abusive marriage. She and her husband have children, and they're sharing custody.

 

My g/f expresses a lot of anger about her ex. She used to talk about him a lot -- with me and other people, until I recently got mad at her and told her I didn't like having to hear about him so much.

 

For the first half of our relationship, he was still being abusive to her (not paying her support, etc.). She decided to file for sole custody, and then part way through the process decided to cancel it and they came up with a legal agreement for split custody.

 

Since that agreement, she was spending what I considered a fair bit of time talking to him (an hour or so a week). She said it was "about the kids", but he would talk to her about personal things going on in his life. The last straw came when her sister told her something about his new girlfriend that made her mad, and when I asked her why she said "it was about the kids." It had nothing to do with the kids.

 

A few weeks later, he took the kids out of school to go on a trip and it made her furious, and she was crying in my arms and complaining bitterly. A week later, she had a nice pleasant 10-minute chat with him "about the kids" while I waited in the car.

 

That's when I got angry with her, and told her I thought what she was doing was unhealthy. She agreed to change, and has since told him that there are to be no more phone calls, and that their correspondence would be through email only.

 

She seems to have stuck to this, and has also agreed to stop talking about him unless something he does is bothering her (which I feel is okay -- I'd rather have her let it out with me then have her bothered by it and not saying anything).

 

Oh, and she also still has her wedding ring in her jewellery box, and pictures and momentos from their marriage (cards from anniversaries, etc.) in a box in her closet. She says she's keeping these things "for the children", because her mother got rid of her possessions as a child and she doesn't want to do that to her children.

 

She's obviously still tied to her ex through the children, and through her anger towards him. I don't worry that she wants to get back together with him, but I do feel that in addition to the anger there is still some kind of positive attachment there -- hence the long phone calls after the agreement was made, and keeping momentos from their marriage around. It's like she's continuing to try and appease him, or to make up for the guilt she feels for breaking up the family, or hanging on to that part of her life or something. I've mentioned this to her, but she says denies that there's any kind of attachment other than anger. She's also in counselling, but wants to focus on herself and not on her ex.

 

I admit the situation makes me feel jealous. My question is how much of what I'm feeling is jealousy and insecurity on my part (which I just need to get over), and how much of it is a sign of her being disrespectful to our relationship and/or that she's still emotionally attached to her ex? Am I wrong to want her to get rid of the ring and momentos? And if you do think there's still some kind of attachment to him, what should I do about it?

 

Thanks for any advice you can give.

[LakesideDream]

QWERTY, Yes buddy you are wrong. It's not reasonable for you to ask a "girlfriend" to dispose of momentos of her former marriage.

 

Part of the downside of relationships after a divorce is that the new partner must make room for all the "stuff" that carries over from the previous marriage.

 

New partners also have to deal with the reality that children greatly amplify the problems you will face. The more the "ex" participates in the lives of the children the more contact there will be... period. This is something you are going to have to deal with on a frequent basis as long as the relationship lasts.

 

Good Luck,

[QWERTY]

During the first half of our relationship, she lied a lot to me, including about why her marriage ended (she cheated on him because she was unhappy, and he left her).

 

And she's been in denial about a lot of things and so hasn't been honest with herself, which is what scares me. I was glad she was talking to him after the agreement -- I thought it would be good for the kids if they could be friendly. But when she said "it's for the kids" when she got mad about the length of his newfriend's hair (he always hated when she cut her hair short) and I asked her why she was mad, I began to question why she was talking to him for so long when a shorter call would have done (because she said that was "for the kids" too). If she used "it's for the kids" as an excuse for getting mad about his girlfriend's hair length, what else is she using it as an excuse for?

[InLimbo2]

It takes a long long time to 'process' the breakup of a long term marriage, and it's particularly difficult if you are still tied to the ex through children.

 

The stuff she's going through - like 'why's he with a woman with short hair when he hated when MY hair was short?" - is pretty normal. Even when a marriage was bad, there's still a grieving process that takes place - and a process of trying to 'right yourself' - remember, she intended to spend the rest of her life with this man -and all that went POOF. It takes time to recover, and time to set new boundaries - it comes with time - and gets better with time.

 

I still have my wedding ring around here somewhere - no clue where - but I didn't throw it out. It's part of my past, and my son or daughter might want it at a later point - I dunno - I just didn't care enough about it to hunt it down and toss it or give it a prominent place in my life. There are still pics of him - and us as a family - hanging around etc. Not like a big wedding portrait or anything, they are mixed in with collage frames. I honestly hadn't even thought of them in years til this post. My kids were pretty young when we split, I did not want to go around and wipe out any trace of their father. The obvious stuff like the embroidered wall hanging with our names and the date of our wedding - those came down later, after we divorced - my daughter was upset - but I told her it was no longer appropriate.

 

You said you are sure she doesn't want to go back - work with that. A few years ago I got involved with a guy 4 months out of his marriage split - I shoulda known better I contributed to the problems by insisting he interact with his soon to be ex-wife how *I* thought he should - as I felt some of it was not respectful of me. It's tough, but I should have let him be - it was their marriage, their divorce, their business. He had that right, and I had the right to be respected the way I thought I should have. And therein lies the problem - until you have enough time and space, you can't do both - he couldn't - and it was a big part of why things didn't work. This is why I have the rule about getting involved with recently separated men - I just failed to heed my own rules on that one

 

 

During the first half of our relationship, she lied a lot to me, including about why her marriage ended (she cheated on him because she was unhappy, and he left her).

 

And she's been in denial about a lot of things and so hasn't been honest with herself, which is what scares me. I was glad she was talking to him after the agreement -- I thought it would be good for the kids if they could be friendly. But when she said "it's for the kids" when she got mad about the length of his newfriend's hair (he always hated when she cut her hair short) and I asked her why she was mad, I began to question why she was talking to him for so long when a shorter call would have done (because she said that was "for the kids" too). If she used "it's for the kids" as an excuse for getting mad about his girlfriend's hair length, what else is she using it as an excuse for?

[dbtmarley]

Querty,

 

I am sorry buddy, but you are wrong. The two posters above have pretty much summed it up. I am divorced twice over and have been in your wife's shoes.

 

Please pay attention to what the other posters here have said because they have given you good advice. I just wanted to add that it may serve you better to be as cordial as possible with the ex. You are going to be a part of the childrens life now. Being the bigger man will serve you, your relationship, and the kids all the way around.

 

The pics and stuff... well that is up to you to make fresh memories and many mementos for her to keep. If you play this right my man you will come out looking like gold!!

 

When you have an ex wife or husband I equate it to a pinky finger. You have one. You never want anything bad to happen to that finger, but you do realize you can live without it.

[QWERTY]

Thanks everyone. I guess I should have been clearer -- instead of "am I wrong", what I really should have said is, "am I right or wrong?" The truth is, between the lying about her affair, the baggage she's still carrying, the issues with her ex and everything else, I've lost all sense of what is disrespectful to me/our relationship and what is my insecurity.

 

And on a separate note, my g/f has a habit of blurting out (what I consider to be) hurtful things, which she later tries to retract. Like when she told me she was happier when she was married when she was filing for sole custody (which I took personally, but she later explained was because she was in denial about how miserable she was when she was married), and when she told me she wasn't really attracted to me (which she later said she didn't remember saying and that she was attracted to me, even though she hasn't really been acting like it). Am I right or wrong to be hurt by those things? I just don't know any more.

 

I guess the bottom line is -- I just may not be strong enough to be with her. I told her when I first started dating her that my two biggest issues in a relationship are lying and cheating. And then she lied to me about cheating on her ex for the first six months of our relationship, after promising she would never do either to me. So I think that thrust me deep into insecurity, and now I'm sensitive to everything she says and does.

 

She's working very hard to get past her issues and live a healthy life, and I wanted to be with her until she got healthier because I believe she is a wonderful person. But based on your responses I'm starting to think I've just become too insecure to be with her. I believe she loves me very much (she's said this is the most important relationship she's ever had), but I don't want to be controlling her or dragging her down because of my issues. She's had enough of that in her life.

[reservoirdog1]

I dunno dude... this doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships. She lied to you for six months about various things, including that she cheated on him. The things you wrote in your post didn't get much into her XH's alleged "emotional abuse" -- are you sure that's really what happened? Or is that just what she SAYS happened? Maybe she just said that so you'd not be bothered by her past cheating.

 

Then that whole things about not being attracted to you? Huge red flag. What people blurt out is often what they really think.